I hate flying!
It’s strange how one fulfilling day can make you regret everything you are about to do next. This particular day that I speak of was full of one complete hour and a half where I don’t think I stopped smiling once, a conversation with my sister which allowed her to accomplish her big sister role and give me sound advice, and thorough packing that prepared me for the next trip home. Lunch, or perhaps I should say observing lunch, with a friend whom I have not seen since a time where neither one had begun to physically mature, had me floating for the rest of the day. From the time I saw him get out of his care with a smile to greet me, to the hug that closed our time together, I felt what I hadn’t since I left Interlochen. A mutual understanding and respect for both persons. No need to explain my life, artistic tendencies, or my adolescent desires. It was a good thing that I danced with rain fairies, made forts, and blushed with my eyes. It was ok to be afraid that everything I have worked for might be on the brink of never being again. Most importantly, that feeling of striving to be perfect at the one thing that we understand was not silly but just the way things are to be, always. There aren’t enough ways to say thank you for what I was given on my last day at home.
My sister gave me the chance to talk about my relationship with another. She knew exactly what I was going through and helped me pull the whole thing together by explaining the situations. I was able to clearly see, for the first time, what was really happening. She gave me ideas on what to do and strength on how to handle what is about to come. She knows what it feels like to be stubborn as hell and not give up when everyone else has. The hope that we carry is one of the strongest fuels to keep us going. I can now take comfort in the fact that I can pick up the phone and tell her everything that is going on without being judged or scoffed at. I know that she will listen all the way through and not interrupt with useless comments that stifle me and offer now help. I still have unanswered questions like, “What do I say when they say this?” and “Should I trust my instincts to give them the benefit of the doubt and take their words as sincere ones?” At least I know that I have a source with answers. I still worry about the reaction and secrets may be released along with the swarm of emotions that are bound to result. I wouldn’t’ be me if I weren’t worried. I can’t/won’t/shouldn’t change. My sister pointed out that, in the back of his head, he is always going to want me to change. Sometimes, I guess, a person is not longer worth the struggle.
The more I packed last night, the bigger my fear grew. I don’t know why my body isn’t ready yet. I have completely run out of patience. This can not effect the rest of my life. To be honest, if it does, I will truly be heartbroken. I am strong and resilient when it comes to relations with others, including deaths but, if I were to ever loose the ability to dance, I would surely wind up among the Willies. I deny that this will be the outcome but, how far does denial take you?
I look forward to summer dreams that brighten my vision when they enter my mind. February is about to come and I wonder how different it will be this year. I wonder, does one ever get SAD from too much sun?