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i don't even know...........so i am joining the club with scotty.........and it isn't a very fun club.........how can i even begin to fathom............it doesn't make sense. so i will pick up my organs and keep going. just like last time, and just like the next time. i am on day two of not wanting to eat and puking my brains out. the pit of my stomach grows.....i'm tired, but i can't sleep. this world is really too much.............i just need to be home. that is definately where the TRUE HEART is..........i am sick. i wanna drive needles into my veins. i am caught in a place unreachable. i shake my head for the lack of understanding. it is all i can do. i have no control. you don't want shit to get the best of you, but it has it's ways. shit is amazing. it can fuck u in the ass faster than a high speed vibrator...................................puking out all emotions. life would be easier to take without emotions. i am wrung. i dunno how people do it. how do people find each other? how can someone find a person to complete them? there are two people in particular, and they totally are the half to eachothers whole. and i envy it. but i feel compassion. i love them both. and they know it. and i would never want what they have ruined....................why can't i just find that? the impossible has just become more impossible.....................maybe cocaine will solve my problems..........if someone can't love u for u, then why bother? just for the mere chance? perhaps........perhaps.................i have been riding an emotional roller coaster to hell..................and right now, i am not on the upside. choking on every breath. wanting to suffocate in the vats of hell................choking on noxious fumes. stuggling to find self.............when only days before, i thought i completly knew who i was. thank god for family and friends........or i would have nothing. but a bare and serene life. filled with emptiness. white. cold. blank. empty. lackluster. dead. totally dead. deader than i have ever felt before.