Going home...
So, it's Thanksgiving...can you believe it? I am excited to see my family. I can't wait to spend some quality time with my mom. I want to talk to my dad about sports and politics. I want to play with my dog for hours on end. I'm excited to eat turkey, mashed potatoes, corn, string beans, and, of course, my favorite home treat, cheddar and broccoli pasta!
The trouble, however, arises when I am expected to be social. I guess when I say expected I mean both by myself and others. I mean, it's weird of me to prefer sitting online or playing the sims or listening to music or reading a book or watching cnn or...clipping my toe nails to hanging out with people.
And really, I don't think it's a problem with the people. It's really just a problem with my attitude and expectations. Each time, I come home with a new, positive attitude. Though it may not seem that way, I really do try to "start over" every time. I just picture myself hanging out with my friends the way we did in high school. I get really excited because I really miss those times a lot. But when I get home, I am always disappointed to realize that everything is different.
Really, I think all that's messed up is my idea of what should happen when I go home. I expect to see these kids who knew me so well at one point and instantly feel comfortable. I expect to just sit around and say whatever comes to mind. I expect to confide in them. I expect to be instantly understood. I expect all of these things because that's the way it was at one point. When I get there and realize that I'm simply not comfortable, that I really don't know these people anymore, and they really don't know me, I instantly get uncomfortable. And, this frustrates me so much. I'm not frustrated that they're different or that I'm different, or that the situation is different. I'm just frustrated that I don't feel comfortable with people whom I considered
It makes perfect sense that it should be different now. I haven't seen these kids in over three months. Most of them, I've only talked to (online) about 3 or 4 times each since leaving over the summer. And, although I'm not bitter, resentful, or jealous, it is worth noting that they have all seen one another a few times this semester.
I know a lot of it is my fault. But I really feel sometimes like the biggest divide between us (me & my friends from HS) is that I don't drink. It seems silly, because almost all of my friends at school drink, however, sometimes I feel as though, at home, i'm perceived as "the baby" because compared to everyone else, I'm really inexperienced and niave. And though it was that way all through High School, it really didn't bother me until recently.
I'm going home, again, with high hopes and expectations, and a fresh attitude; I don't wish to go home and feel instantly comfortable. I want to go home hoping that maybe knowing where someone is coming from is enough, even if you don't know exactly where they are now. It makes me smile when I think these guys, in some ways, have an edge over the "family" of friends I have here at Marist. Some of them knew me when I had braces. They remember when I fell on my face over the aztec print chair, they remember when I had a crush on Dylan Bell and he serenaded me, they remember when I cried when the cops told us to "walk back to haagen daaz," and our fight at Popovsky's birthday party. They remember who I was before I changed, and I remember who they were before life changed for all of us.
And maybe that's enough.
Instead of going home and expecting Nardone to be drinking Half & Half and eating altoids. Or expecting Kelly to want to play Super Mario 64 with me all night. Or expecting Halenar to be completely unable to say the word "vagina." Instead of all of that, I'm just going to meet these people again, for the first time.
And maybe that will be enough this time?
So, here's to an awesome Thanksgiving break. One filled with family, food, and, if I can swing it, friends. The beirut skills I tuned over the summer have gotten a little rusty from lack of practice this semester, however, I hope I can make it up with some Super Mario 64. =)
The trouble, however, arises when I am expected to be social. I guess when I say expected I mean both by myself and others. I mean, it's weird of me to prefer sitting online or playing the sims or listening to music or reading a book or watching cnn or...clipping my toe nails to hanging out with people.
And really, I don't think it's a problem with the people. It's really just a problem with my attitude and expectations. Each time, I come home with a new, positive attitude. Though it may not seem that way, I really do try to "start over" every time. I just picture myself hanging out with my friends the way we did in high school. I get really excited because I really miss those times a lot. But when I get home, I am always disappointed to realize that everything is different.
Really, I think all that's messed up is my idea of what should happen when I go home. I expect to see these kids who knew me so well at one point and instantly feel comfortable. I expect to just sit around and say whatever comes to mind. I expect to confide in them. I expect to be instantly understood. I expect all of these things because that's the way it was at one point. When I get there and realize that I'm simply not comfortable, that I really don't know these people anymore, and they really don't know me, I instantly get uncomfortable. And, this frustrates me so much. I'm not frustrated that they're different or that I'm different, or that the situation is different. I'm just frustrated that I don't feel comfortable with people whom I considered
It makes perfect sense that it should be different now. I haven't seen these kids in over three months. Most of them, I've only talked to (online) about 3 or 4 times each since leaving over the summer. And, although I'm not bitter, resentful, or jealous, it is worth noting that they have all seen one another a few times this semester.
I know a lot of it is my fault. But I really feel sometimes like the biggest divide between us (me & my friends from HS) is that I don't drink. It seems silly, because almost all of my friends at school drink, however, sometimes I feel as though, at home, i'm perceived as "the baby" because compared to everyone else, I'm really inexperienced and niave. And though it was that way all through High School, it really didn't bother me until recently.
I'm going home, again, with high hopes and expectations, and a fresh attitude; I don't wish to go home and feel instantly comfortable. I want to go home hoping that maybe knowing where someone is coming from is enough, even if you don't know exactly where they are now. It makes me smile when I think these guys, in some ways, have an edge over the "family" of friends I have here at Marist. Some of them knew me when I had braces. They remember when I fell on my face over the aztec print chair, they remember when I had a crush on Dylan Bell and he serenaded me, they remember when I cried when the cops told us to "walk back to haagen daaz," and our fight at Popovsky's birthday party. They remember who I was before I changed, and I remember who they were before life changed for all of us.
And maybe that's enough.
Instead of going home and expecting Nardone to be drinking Half & Half and eating altoids. Or expecting Kelly to want to play Super Mario 64 with me all night. Or expecting Halenar to be completely unable to say the word "vagina." Instead of all of that, I'm just going to meet these people again, for the first time.
And maybe that will be enough this time?
So, here's to an awesome Thanksgiving break. One filled with family, food, and, if I can swing it, friends. The beirut skills I tuned over the summer have gotten a little rusty from lack of practice this semester, however, I hope I can make it up with some Super Mario 64. =)