When You're Hit With Lemons.....
This is has been definitely a trying week for me, burying myself in LSAT prep books, Practice tests and review sheets the pressure is to make significant progress for Monday, i.e the "big day." Never had I had so many nervous breakdowns and anxiety attacks as I have. I have put so much pressure on myself this week and really ever since I started my prep course back in March. I definitely gave it the gravity it deserves but I definitely into my own trap of taking too much heat. I have gone into extremes where I didn't give it much value until it was too late and now I am giving the LSAT my undivided attention. I don't take joy in crying at work to my co workers or crying myself to sleep thinking what am I going to do if I blow it on Monday?
I have completely isolated myself from everyone these past couple of weeks. I haven't enjoyed the summer weather only to bury myself in a book. I am tried of talking about the LSAT. I don't really want to know what happened in one logic game or why this particular answer choice was not sufficient enough to weaken an argument. In my daily life, I do this without even thinking, it comes naturally but clearly falls flat on the set. The big blocks of stimuli leave me overwhelmed thinking how am I going to get through this? I tense up and start to panic and silently scream, "what am I going to do?" Every practice exam is a death sentence, a chance to increase my anxiety but my security blanket to help find out what is getting me wigged out so much? How do I bounce back on Monday?
This is a test, filled with arguments, games and passages for me to conquer, not all will be conquered but all it is words, and I am mortified by their power or really the test as a whole has on this process. I am angry that this score can essentially negate everything I have done; working in the entertainment industry, getting a master's in bioethics, working towards my goal of pursuing a career in intellectual, all the extracurriculars I have done in undergrad, and oh my undergrad work, essentially put on the backburner, being the first in my family to graduate from college and do so with honors, and getting a job one month after graduation and getting 2 offers right off the bat without no legit experience. It seems kind of small with the LSAT magnified but honestly it doesn't have to be.
I still have ever intention of doing well, I have officially stopped the crazy studying because I realize it is no longer helping but just helping me relive a nightmare that I had in December 2006 and February 2007 and again in late May 2007 when my law school application cycle ended. I want just to living the dream or better yet awake and get away from the nightmare that has alluded me for so long.
Monday I'll have my number #2 pencils, trusty highlighter to get me through and take it one question at a time, and most importantly my sanity. I realized regardless that I will have to take the different road; I have my entire life. Many told me after scoring a 930 on the SATs and then a 22 on the ACT that I essentially had no shot at college and that my 3.5 GPA was mediocre, I wanted to go to good schools, UCLA, USC, LMU, Pepperdine, UC Irvine, etc. I only got into 2 of those schools but it was the one I ended up going that helped me to appreciate the journey that I had to get that someone out there thought that I can do this and not only did I do it but did it pretty well by graduating with honors. I appreciate the struggle to get to college, getting rejection after rejection after rejection. I still have my rejection letters from college and law school; they are constant reminder for me that those letters help to get to a place where I can better understand myself and helped to take experiences that have been invaluable to me and make something out of them. My whole life I have learned to make due with what I have, sometimes it's not much but it's a start and really the one lesson I have learned and repeatedly ignored is to keep an open mind.
If there is one glimmer of hope that I had this week is that now I get why I want to go to law school and practice law and its not just some directionless dream for more money but really to make a difference in the world around me where one aspect of society has a huge impact and to empower those who utilize it for good. I am someone who is extremely fair and law and justice are rooted in fairness and it is held to a high regard. In order to be a successful attorney is to see what is unfair regardless of its origin in order to truly ascertain fairness. Everyone deserves a chance and I feel that being a lawyer you are giving someone a fair shake to defend themselves whether it is their work or their word in a case or their rights. That's how I have approached life or the things that upset is that we're not given a fair shake when we should. I hope one day I can be able to facilitate in some way.
I have been hit by a ton of lemons this week but I think now I am starting to make that lemonade; it might really watery at first but I am on my way to making it pretty sweet! :)
I have completely isolated myself from everyone these past couple of weeks. I haven't enjoyed the summer weather only to bury myself in a book. I am tried of talking about the LSAT. I don't really want to know what happened in one logic game or why this particular answer choice was not sufficient enough to weaken an argument. In my daily life, I do this without even thinking, it comes naturally but clearly falls flat on the set. The big blocks of stimuli leave me overwhelmed thinking how am I going to get through this? I tense up and start to panic and silently scream, "what am I going to do?" Every practice exam is a death sentence, a chance to increase my anxiety but my security blanket to help find out what is getting me wigged out so much? How do I bounce back on Monday?
This is a test, filled with arguments, games and passages for me to conquer, not all will be conquered but all it is words, and I am mortified by their power or really the test as a whole has on this process. I am angry that this score can essentially negate everything I have done; working in the entertainment industry, getting a master's in bioethics, working towards my goal of pursuing a career in intellectual, all the extracurriculars I have done in undergrad, and oh my undergrad work, essentially put on the backburner, being the first in my family to graduate from college and do so with honors, and getting a job one month after graduation and getting 2 offers right off the bat without no legit experience. It seems kind of small with the LSAT magnified but honestly it doesn't have to be.
I still have ever intention of doing well, I have officially stopped the crazy studying because I realize it is no longer helping but just helping me relive a nightmare that I had in December 2006 and February 2007 and again in late May 2007 when my law school application cycle ended. I want just to living the dream or better yet awake and get away from the nightmare that has alluded me for so long.
Monday I'll have my number #2 pencils, trusty highlighter to get me through and take it one question at a time, and most importantly my sanity. I realized regardless that I will have to take the different road; I have my entire life. Many told me after scoring a 930 on the SATs and then a 22 on the ACT that I essentially had no shot at college and that my 3.5 GPA was mediocre, I wanted to go to good schools, UCLA, USC, LMU, Pepperdine, UC Irvine, etc. I only got into 2 of those schools but it was the one I ended up going that helped me to appreciate the journey that I had to get that someone out there thought that I can do this and not only did I do it but did it pretty well by graduating with honors. I appreciate the struggle to get to college, getting rejection after rejection after rejection. I still have my rejection letters from college and law school; they are constant reminder for me that those letters help to get to a place where I can better understand myself and helped to take experiences that have been invaluable to me and make something out of them. My whole life I have learned to make due with what I have, sometimes it's not much but it's a start and really the one lesson I have learned and repeatedly ignored is to keep an open mind.
If there is one glimmer of hope that I had this week is that now I get why I want to go to law school and practice law and its not just some directionless dream for more money but really to make a difference in the world around me where one aspect of society has a huge impact and to empower those who utilize it for good. I am someone who is extremely fair and law and justice are rooted in fairness and it is held to a high regard. In order to be a successful attorney is to see what is unfair regardless of its origin in order to truly ascertain fairness. Everyone deserves a chance and I feel that being a lawyer you are giving someone a fair shake to defend themselves whether it is their work or their word in a case or their rights. That's how I have approached life or the things that upset is that we're not given a fair shake when we should. I hope one day I can be able to facilitate in some way.
I have been hit by a ton of lemons this week but I think now I am starting to make that lemonade; it might really watery at first but I am on my way to making it pretty sweet! :)