Over-analyzing and over-describing, per use
I don’t really know where to go right now. In life. It’s all just so complicated and I want to hit pause, or better yet rewind- replay- do it better. There’s so much I have to fix before I can move forward- but it’s impossible, because it’s nothing I can fix- just stuff I screwed up in the first place and now is haunting me. I need to learn how to make the right choices- but that’s a little difficult when I never recognize a choice. I believe in free will- I do- but I don’t see evidence of it. It’s like every choice is already made for me- or rather doesn’t even exist- like I’m being dragged behind some boat through the bumpiest waters imaginable and my arms are holding on to the tether, but there’s no way to turn, to change courses. I can shift my body weight and move around a little, but it’s not going to make much of a difference. I’m still being towed by the boat. I’m still being beaten, broken down. The only way to stop is to let go of the rope, and be lost in eddies which will inevitably form as the boat encircles me, trying to get me to hop back on, to be a good little follower. That eddy is enticing, but more dangerous than severing my arms holding on to the rope because the eddy leads to unknown, uncharted waters. Yea, the allusion has failed to make sense at this point- somehow the eddy has become a black-hole- but it’s all pretty much the same.
If I let go of the rope I stand to lose everything- friends, family, respect, a future. I will be jobless, homeless, directionless, and almost completely alone. I will doubt every decision I’ve ever made. I will be in debt, and unable to pay it off. Likely I will have no mode of transportation, no communication with the outside world (no money to pay for internet or a cell phone), hungry, smelly and free.
I will have the chance to sleep at a normal time. Time to work on projects I actually care about. Time to do the things I really want to do. I will be wandering aimlessly- and I will likely be completely miserable- and more at peace than I have ever been. IF, and that’s a big if, I have the courage to jump.
I don’t know where that black-hole leads to, then again I don’t know where the boat is taking me- I’ve tried, but I can’t see over the back edge into the boat, let alone up and over the top. I’ve lost count of the turns we’ve made…..
I don’t want to disappoint people, to let others down. I’ve already done that- and I know if I hold on I will keep doing that. But letting go makes it all the more certain.
If I let go eventually I could make it up to these people, it will take time, hard hard work, and their willingness to forgive me. I’d rather not hurt them in the first place, but at what point should I start to care about myself?
Staying on this rope, as long as I have, has weakened me spiritually, emotionally, physically and mentally. I don’t recognize myself. I’m not the same. I long to go back, but while I cling to the certainty of this boat, I cannot. I should jump, soon.
It’s all I’ve been able to think about, for weeks. I’ve told myself- if this happens, I’ll do it; if that happens- I won’t. THIS has happened, and then THAT did too. The rope is more intricately wound around my arms - and I stand to lose both if I let go now.
If I jump everyone will call me a coward- they’ll say I’ve run away. If I hang on I will be a coward and I will lose the chance to run towards something.
This is likely the biggest decision of my life- the one which determines who I am, and who I will be. Other decisions can hold similar power- but this one is somehow much more definitive, and I know it.
I know what this sounds like. It’s not that. I have faced death. “It is the most unexciting contest you can imagine. It takes place in an impalpable grayness, with nothing underfoot, with nothing around, without spectators, without clamour, without glory, without the great desire of victory, without the great fear of defeat, in a sickly atmosphere of tepid skepticism, without much belief in your own right, and still less in that of your adversary” (Joseph Conrad- Heart of Darkness).
This is nothing like death. The potential for everything rests in this contest. Electricity flows through my body at all hours, building, waiting to be released. When I make a decision there will be lightening. Either everyone will see the strike, or no one will.
Strike is an appropriate word. Strike out on your own. Three strikes you’re out. Strike while the metal’s hot. Strike, protest.
1. to deal a blow or stroke to (a person or thing), as with the fist, a weapon, or a hammer; hit.
2. to inflict, deliver, or deal (a blow, stroke, attack, etc.).
3. to drive so as to cause impact: to strike the hands together.
4. to thrust forcibly: Brutus struck a dagger into the dying Caesar.
5. to produce (fire, sparks, light, etc.) by percussion, friction, etc.
6. to cause (a match) to ignite by friction.
7. (of some natural or supernatural agency) to smite or blast: Lightning struck the spire. May God strike you dead!
8. to come into forcible contact or collision with; hit into or against: The ship struck a rock.
9. to reach or fall upon (the senses), as light or sound: A shrill peal of bells struck their ears.
10. to enter the mind of; occur to: A happy thought struck him.
11. to catch or arrest (the sight, hearing, etc.): the first object that strikes one's eye.
12. to impress strongly: a picture that strikes one's fancy.
13. to impress in a particular manner: How does it strike you?
14. to come across, meet with, or encounter suddenly or unexpectedly: to strike the name of a friend in a newspaper.
15. to come upon or find (oil, ore, etc.) in drilling, prospecting, or the like.
16. to send down or put forth (a root), as a plant or cutting.
17. to arrive at or achieve by or as by balancing: to strike a balance; to strike a compromise.
18. to take apart or pull down (a structure or object, as a tent).
19. to remove from the stage (the scenery and properties of an act or scene): to strike a set.
20. Nautical.
a. to lower or take down (a sail, mast, etc.).
b. to lower (a sail, flag, etc.) as a salute or as a sign of surrender.
c. to lower (something) into the hold of a vessel by means of a rope and tackle.
21. Falconry. to loosen (a hood) from the head of a hawk so that it may be instantly removed.
22. Angling.
a. to hook (a fish that has taken the bait) by making a sharp jerk on the line.
b. (of a fish) to snatch at (the bait).
23. to harpoon (a whale).
24. (in technical use) to make level or smooth.
25. to make level or even, as a measure of grain or salt, by drawing a strickle across the top.
26. to efface, cancel, or cross out, with or as with the stroke of a pen (usually fol. by out): to strike a passage out of a book.
27. to impress or stamp (a coin, medal, etc.) by printing or punching: to strike a medal in commemoration.
28. to remove or separate with or as if with a cut (usually fol. by off): Illness struck him off from social contacts. The butcher struck off a chop.
29. Masonry. to finish (a mortar joint) with a stroke of the trowel.
30. to indicate (the hour of day) by a stroke or strokes, as a clock: to strike 12.
31. to afflict suddenly, as with disease, suffering, or death (often fol. by down): The plague struck Europe. Apoplexy struck him down.
32. to overwhelm emotionally, as with terror or fear; affect deeply.
33. to make blind, dumb, etc., suddenly, as if by a blow.
34. to implant or induce (a feeling): to strike fear into a person.
35. to start or move suddenly into (vigorous movement): The horse struck a gallop.
36. to assume (an attitude or posture): He likes to strike a noble pose.
37. to cause (chill, warmth, etc.) to pass or penetrate quickly.
38. to come upon or reach in traveling or in a course of procedure: We struck Rome before dark.
39. to make, conclude, or ratify (an agreement, treaty, etc.).
40. to estimate or determine (a mean or average).
41. to leave off (work) or stop (working) as a coercive measure, or as at the close of the day.
42. (of a union or union member)
a. to declare or engage in a suspension of (work) until an employer grants certain demands, such as pay increases, an improved pension plan, etc.
b. to declare or engage in a suspension of work against (a factory, employer, industry, etc.) until certain demands are met.
43. to draw (a straight line); paint the edge of an area with (a regular, usually straight line).
44. Law. to choose (a jury) from a panel by striking off names until only the required number remains.
-verb (used without object)
45. to deal or aim a blow or stroke, as with the fist, a weapon, or a hammer.
46. to make an attack, esp. a planned military assault: Our troops struck at dawn.
47. to knock, rap, or tap.
48. to hit or dash on or against something, as a moving body does; come into forcible contact; collide.
49. to run upon a bank, rock, or other obstacle, as a ship does.
50. to fall, as light or sound does (fol. by on or upon).
51. to make an impression on the mind, senses, etc., as something seen or heard.
52. to come suddenly or unexpectedly (usually fol. by on or upon): to strike on a new way of doing a thing.
53. to sound by percussion: The clock strikes.
54. to be indicated by or as by such percussion: The hour has struck.
55. to ignite or be ignited by friction, as a match.
56. to make a stroke, as with the arms or legs in swimming or with an oar in rowing.
57. to produce a sound, music, etc., by touching a string or playing upon an instrument.
58. to take root, as a slip of a plant.
59. to go, proceed, or advance, esp. in a new direction: They struck out at dawn. They struck toward a new town.
60. a. U.S. Army. to act as a voluntary paid servant to a commissioned officer.
b. U.S. Navy. to work hard: strive (followed by for): He is striking for yeoman.
61. (of a union or union member) to engage in a suspension of work until an employer or industry meets certain demands.
62. Nautical.
a. to lower the flag or colors, esp. as a salute or as a sign of surrender.
b. to run up the white flag of surrender.
63. Angling. (of fish) to swallow or take the bait.
-noun
64. an act or instance of striking.
65. a concerted stopping of work or withdrawal of workers' services, as to compel an employer to accede to workers' demands or in protest against terms or conditions imposed by an employer.
66. a temporary stoppage of something.
67. Also called strike plate. a metal plate on a jamb holding the bolt of the lock on a door when closed.
68. Baseball.
a. a pitch that is swung at and missed by the batter.
b. a pitch that passes through the strike zone and is not swung at by the batter.
c. a foul tip caught by the catcher when there are already two strikes against the batter.
d. a foul bunt when there are already two strikes against the batter.
e. a ball hit foul and not caught on the fly when there are less than two strikes against the batter.
69. Bowling.
a. the knocking down of all of the pins with the first bowl.
b. the score so made. Compare SPARE (def. 22).
70. Horology. the striking mechanism of a timepiece.
71. Brewing. the degree of excellence or strength of beer, ale, etc.
72. Angling.
a. a sharp jerk on the line, made in order to set the hook in the mouth of the fish.
b. a pull on the line, made by the fish in the process of taking the bait.
73. Coining. a quantity of coins struck at one time.
74. Geology.
a. the direction of the line formed by the intersection of the bedding plane of a bed or stratum of sedimentary rock with a horizontal plane.
b. the direction or trend of a structural feature, as an anticlinal axis or the lineation resulting from metamorphism.
75. the discovery of a rich vein or ore in mining, of petroleum in boring, etc.
76. Military. a planned attack, esp. by aircraft, on a target.
-adjective
77. Military. describing a fighter-bomber aircraft designed to carry large payloads at high speeds and low altitudes and also to engage in air-to-air combat.
-Verb phrases
78. strike in, to interrupt suddenly; intervene: I struck in with a suggestion.
79. strike off,
a. Printing. to print: They struck off 300 copies of the book.
b. to remove or cancel, as from a record, list, etc.: His name was struck off the waiting list.
c. to produce rapidly and easily: She struck off several letters and had no more work to do.
d. to depart rapidly: We struck off for the country.
80. strike out,
a. Baseball. to put out or be put out by a strike-out: The pitcher walked two and struck out three. He struck out twice in three times at bat.
b. (of a person or effort) to fail: His next two business ventures struck out.
c. to lose favor.
d. to erase; cross out.
e. to set forth; venture forth: She struck out on her own at the age of 18.
81. strike up,
a. to begin to play or to sing: The orchestra struck up a waltz.
b. to set in operation; begin: Strike up the band!
c. to bring into being; commence; begin: to strike up an acquaintance with new neighbors.
-Idioms
82. have two strikes against one, to be in an unfavorable or a critical position: His age and his lack of education are two strikes against him in his search for a job.
83. on strike, engaged in a stoppage of work, services, or other activities, as by union workers to get better wages.
84. strike camp, to dismantle and pack up equipment; prepare to move on; break camp: The army struck camp and moved on.
85. strike hands, to conclude a bargain, as by shaking or joining hands; confirm an agreement: They reached a price satisfactory to both of them, and struck hands on it.
86. strike home,
a. to deal an effective blow, hit a vulnerable part, or wound critically or mortally: The second arrow struck home.
b. to have the intended effect; hit the mark: The sermon on Christian charity struck home.
87. strike it rich,
a. to come upon a valuable mineral or oil deposit.
b. to have sudden or unexpected financial success: She struck it rich in real estate.
88. strike oil. OIL (def. 18).
________________________________________
[Origin: bef. 1000; 1768 for def. 65; (v.) ME striken to stroke, beat, cross out, OE strīcan to stroke, make level; c. G streichen; (n.) ME: unit of dry measure (i.e., something leveled off; see STRICK), deriv. of the v.; akin to STREAK, STROKE1 ]
-Related forms
strikeless, adjective
-Synonyms 1. Strike, hit, knock imply suddenly bringing one body in contact with another. Strike suggests such an action in a general way: to strike a child. Hit is less formal than strike, and often implies giving a single blow, but usually a strong one and definitely aimed: to hit a baseball. To knock is to strike, often with a tendency to displace the object struck; it also means to strike repeatedly: to knock someone down; to knock at a door. See also BEAT.
-Antonyms 1. miss.
Sounds about right. Baaaaaaaaaaaaah-tah up!
If I let go of the rope I stand to lose everything- friends, family, respect, a future. I will be jobless, homeless, directionless, and almost completely alone. I will doubt every decision I’ve ever made. I will be in debt, and unable to pay it off. Likely I will have no mode of transportation, no communication with the outside world (no money to pay for internet or a cell phone), hungry, smelly and free.
I will have the chance to sleep at a normal time. Time to work on projects I actually care about. Time to do the things I really want to do. I will be wandering aimlessly- and I will likely be completely miserable- and more at peace than I have ever been. IF, and that’s a big if, I have the courage to jump.
I don’t know where that black-hole leads to, then again I don’t know where the boat is taking me- I’ve tried, but I can’t see over the back edge into the boat, let alone up and over the top. I’ve lost count of the turns we’ve made…..
I don’t want to disappoint people, to let others down. I’ve already done that- and I know if I hold on I will keep doing that. But letting go makes it all the more certain.
If I let go eventually I could make it up to these people, it will take time, hard hard work, and their willingness to forgive me. I’d rather not hurt them in the first place, but at what point should I start to care about myself?
Staying on this rope, as long as I have, has weakened me spiritually, emotionally, physically and mentally. I don’t recognize myself. I’m not the same. I long to go back, but while I cling to the certainty of this boat, I cannot. I should jump, soon.
It’s all I’ve been able to think about, for weeks. I’ve told myself- if this happens, I’ll do it; if that happens- I won’t. THIS has happened, and then THAT did too. The rope is more intricately wound around my arms - and I stand to lose both if I let go now.
If I jump everyone will call me a coward- they’ll say I’ve run away. If I hang on I will be a coward and I will lose the chance to run towards something.
This is likely the biggest decision of my life- the one which determines who I am, and who I will be. Other decisions can hold similar power- but this one is somehow much more definitive, and I know it.
I know what this sounds like. It’s not that. I have faced death. “It is the most unexciting contest you can imagine. It takes place in an impalpable grayness, with nothing underfoot, with nothing around, without spectators, without clamour, without glory, without the great desire of victory, without the great fear of defeat, in a sickly atmosphere of tepid skepticism, without much belief in your own right, and still less in that of your adversary” (Joseph Conrad- Heart of Darkness).
This is nothing like death. The potential for everything rests in this contest. Electricity flows through my body at all hours, building, waiting to be released. When I make a decision there will be lightening. Either everyone will see the strike, or no one will.
Strike is an appropriate word. Strike out on your own. Three strikes you’re out. Strike while the metal’s hot. Strike, protest.
1. to deal a blow or stroke to (a person or thing), as with the fist, a weapon, or a hammer; hit.
2. to inflict, deliver, or deal (a blow, stroke, attack, etc.).
3. to drive so as to cause impact: to strike the hands together.
4. to thrust forcibly: Brutus struck a dagger into the dying Caesar.
5. to produce (fire, sparks, light, etc.) by percussion, friction, etc.
6. to cause (a match) to ignite by friction.
7. (of some natural or supernatural agency) to smite or blast: Lightning struck the spire. May God strike you dead!
8. to come into forcible contact or collision with; hit into or against: The ship struck a rock.
9. to reach or fall upon (the senses), as light or sound: A shrill peal of bells struck their ears.
10. to enter the mind of; occur to: A happy thought struck him.
11. to catch or arrest (the sight, hearing, etc.): the first object that strikes one's eye.
12. to impress strongly: a picture that strikes one's fancy.
13. to impress in a particular manner: How does it strike you?
14. to come across, meet with, or encounter suddenly or unexpectedly: to strike the name of a friend in a newspaper.
15. to come upon or find (oil, ore, etc.) in drilling, prospecting, or the like.
16. to send down or put forth (a root), as a plant or cutting.
17. to arrive at or achieve by or as by balancing: to strike a balance; to strike a compromise.
18. to take apart or pull down (a structure or object, as a tent).
19. to remove from the stage (the scenery and properties of an act or scene): to strike a set.
20. Nautical.
a. to lower or take down (a sail, mast, etc.).
b. to lower (a sail, flag, etc.) as a salute or as a sign of surrender.
c. to lower (something) into the hold of a vessel by means of a rope and tackle.
21. Falconry. to loosen (a hood) from the head of a hawk so that it may be instantly removed.
22. Angling.
a. to hook (a fish that has taken the bait) by making a sharp jerk on the line.
b. (of a fish) to snatch at (the bait).
23. to harpoon (a whale).
24. (in technical use) to make level or smooth.
25. to make level or even, as a measure of grain or salt, by drawing a strickle across the top.
26. to efface, cancel, or cross out, with or as with the stroke of a pen (usually fol. by out): to strike a passage out of a book.
27. to impress or stamp (a coin, medal, etc.) by printing or punching: to strike a medal in commemoration.
28. to remove or separate with or as if with a cut (usually fol. by off): Illness struck him off from social contacts. The butcher struck off a chop.
29. Masonry. to finish (a mortar joint) with a stroke of the trowel.
30. to indicate (the hour of day) by a stroke or strokes, as a clock: to strike 12.
31. to afflict suddenly, as with disease, suffering, or death (often fol. by down): The plague struck Europe. Apoplexy struck him down.
32. to overwhelm emotionally, as with terror or fear; affect deeply.
33. to make blind, dumb, etc., suddenly, as if by a blow.
34. to implant or induce (a feeling): to strike fear into a person.
35. to start or move suddenly into (vigorous movement): The horse struck a gallop.
36. to assume (an attitude or posture): He likes to strike a noble pose.
37. to cause (chill, warmth, etc.) to pass or penetrate quickly.
38. to come upon or reach in traveling or in a course of procedure: We struck Rome before dark.
39. to make, conclude, or ratify (an agreement, treaty, etc.).
40. to estimate or determine (a mean or average).
41. to leave off (work) or stop (working) as a coercive measure, or as at the close of the day.
42. (of a union or union member)
a. to declare or engage in a suspension of (work) until an employer grants certain demands, such as pay increases, an improved pension plan, etc.
b. to declare or engage in a suspension of work against (a factory, employer, industry, etc.) until certain demands are met.
43. to draw (a straight line); paint the edge of an area with (a regular, usually straight line).
44. Law. to choose (a jury) from a panel by striking off names until only the required number remains.
-verb (used without object)
45. to deal or aim a blow or stroke, as with the fist, a weapon, or a hammer.
46. to make an attack, esp. a planned military assault: Our troops struck at dawn.
47. to knock, rap, or tap.
48. to hit or dash on or against something, as a moving body does; come into forcible contact; collide.
49. to run upon a bank, rock, or other obstacle, as a ship does.
50. to fall, as light or sound does (fol. by on or upon).
51. to make an impression on the mind, senses, etc., as something seen or heard.
52. to come suddenly or unexpectedly (usually fol. by on or upon): to strike on a new way of doing a thing.
53. to sound by percussion: The clock strikes.
54. to be indicated by or as by such percussion: The hour has struck.
55. to ignite or be ignited by friction, as a match.
56. to make a stroke, as with the arms or legs in swimming or with an oar in rowing.
57. to produce a sound, music, etc., by touching a string or playing upon an instrument.
58. to take root, as a slip of a plant.
59. to go, proceed, or advance, esp. in a new direction: They struck out at dawn. They struck toward a new town.
60. a. U.S. Army. to act as a voluntary paid servant to a commissioned officer.
b. U.S. Navy. to work hard: strive (followed by for): He is striking for yeoman.
61. (of a union or union member) to engage in a suspension of work until an employer or industry meets certain demands.
62. Nautical.
a. to lower the flag or colors, esp. as a salute or as a sign of surrender.
b. to run up the white flag of surrender.
63. Angling. (of fish) to swallow or take the bait.
-noun
64. an act or instance of striking.
65. a concerted stopping of work or withdrawal of workers' services, as to compel an employer to accede to workers' demands or in protest against terms or conditions imposed by an employer.
66. a temporary stoppage of something.
67. Also called strike plate. a metal plate on a jamb holding the bolt of the lock on a door when closed.
68. Baseball.
a. a pitch that is swung at and missed by the batter.
b. a pitch that passes through the strike zone and is not swung at by the batter.
c. a foul tip caught by the catcher when there are already two strikes against the batter.
d. a foul bunt when there are already two strikes against the batter.
e. a ball hit foul and not caught on the fly when there are less than two strikes against the batter.
69. Bowling.
a. the knocking down of all of the pins with the first bowl.
b. the score so made. Compare SPARE (def. 22).
70. Horology. the striking mechanism of a timepiece.
71. Brewing. the degree of excellence or strength of beer, ale, etc.
72. Angling.
a. a sharp jerk on the line, made in order to set the hook in the mouth of the fish.
b. a pull on the line, made by the fish in the process of taking the bait.
73. Coining. a quantity of coins struck at one time.
74. Geology.
a. the direction of the line formed by the intersection of the bedding plane of a bed or stratum of sedimentary rock with a horizontal plane.
b. the direction or trend of a structural feature, as an anticlinal axis or the lineation resulting from metamorphism.
75. the discovery of a rich vein or ore in mining, of petroleum in boring, etc.
76. Military. a planned attack, esp. by aircraft, on a target.
-adjective
77. Military. describing a fighter-bomber aircraft designed to carry large payloads at high speeds and low altitudes and also to engage in air-to-air combat.
-Verb phrases
78. strike in, to interrupt suddenly; intervene: I struck in with a suggestion.
79. strike off,
a. Printing. to print: They struck off 300 copies of the book.
b. to remove or cancel, as from a record, list, etc.: His name was struck off the waiting list.
c. to produce rapidly and easily: She struck off several letters and had no more work to do.
d. to depart rapidly: We struck off for the country.
80. strike out,
a. Baseball. to put out or be put out by a strike-out: The pitcher walked two and struck out three. He struck out twice in three times at bat.
b. (of a person or effort) to fail: His next two business ventures struck out.
c. to lose favor.
d. to erase; cross out.
e. to set forth; venture forth: She struck out on her own at the age of 18.
81. strike up,
a. to begin to play or to sing: The orchestra struck up a waltz.
b. to set in operation; begin: Strike up the band!
c. to bring into being; commence; begin: to strike up an acquaintance with new neighbors.
-Idioms
82. have two strikes against one, to be in an unfavorable or a critical position: His age and his lack of education are two strikes against him in his search for a job.
83. on strike, engaged in a stoppage of work, services, or other activities, as by union workers to get better wages.
84. strike camp, to dismantle and pack up equipment; prepare to move on; break camp: The army struck camp and moved on.
85. strike hands, to conclude a bargain, as by shaking or joining hands; confirm an agreement: They reached a price satisfactory to both of them, and struck hands on it.
86. strike home,
a. to deal an effective blow, hit a vulnerable part, or wound critically or mortally: The second arrow struck home.
b. to have the intended effect; hit the mark: The sermon on Christian charity struck home.
87. strike it rich,
a. to come upon a valuable mineral or oil deposit.
b. to have sudden or unexpected financial success: She struck it rich in real estate.
88. strike oil. OIL (def. 18).
________________________________________
[Origin: bef. 1000; 1768 for def. 65; (v.) ME striken to stroke, beat, cross out, OE strīcan to stroke, make level; c. G streichen; (n.) ME: unit of dry measure (i.e., something leveled off; see STRICK), deriv. of the v.; akin to STREAK, STROKE1 ]
-Related forms
strikeless, adjective
-Synonyms 1. Strike, hit, knock imply suddenly bringing one body in contact with another. Strike suggests such an action in a general way: to strike a child. Hit is less formal than strike, and often implies giving a single blow, but usually a strong one and definitely aimed: to hit a baseball. To knock is to strike, often with a tendency to displace the object struck; it also means to strike repeatedly: to knock someone down; to knock at a door. See also BEAT.
-Antonyms 1. miss.
Sounds about right. Baaaaaaaaaaaaah-tah up!