The Week in Sex
For the week starting March 31st
aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
"You never get a second chance to make a first impression." What a great proverb. Too bad it's from a dandruff commercial. And you know anything having to do with advertising is usually just a big fat lie. So don't be too quick to dis every flaky-scalped hottie who looks over their snow-covered shoulder at you this week--they'll probably turn out to be a Pulitzer Prize winner or, at the very least, a Prada model.
taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
You're not going to feel like meeting new people this week, but you may find yourself forced into situations where you're surrounded by strangers. Don't lock yourself in the bathroom all night! People will think you're a loser, and then, when they need to pee, they'll get really mad. Instead, be polite, reserved and observant--then people will simply think you're mysterious.
gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Your social life is full of holes. Make like brightly colored, decorative thread and do some patchwork.
cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
You're a walking Viagra advertisement this week--at least, the "before" part of a Viagra ad. A roll in the sack will be about as appealing to you as root canal work. Don't worry, it's not permanent. It happens to all of us, as they say. And don't let anyone make you feel bad because of it; remind them that absence makes the heart (among other organs) grow fonder.
leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Love is in the air this week, so take deep breaths. But remember, unlike air, love isn't free, so don't hyperventilate.
virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Normally, we're derisive of any kind of seduction system. You know, like don't call too soon or you'll seem desperate. But there is such a thing as opening up to someone too soon. Even the best of us--those of us who bought and burned multiple copies of The Rules just to keep the book out of the hands of gullible daters--can be scared off by someone who declares their undying affection on the first date. You're just asking to have your precious little heart stomped on. So, zip it.
libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
A character in a movie once said to his wife: "It's like your thoughts just drop down from your brain and out your mouth like a gumball machine!" He meant this as an insult. But this week, it's your mandate, 'cause everyone's gonna want some of the brain candy you've got to offer. (If you can guess the movie, then you win this week!)
scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
A friend asked us the other day, "Is there a name for the feeling that you'll never meet the right person, the sudden thought that you've been too picky your whole life, the fear that your ship passed in the night and you slept right through it?" To which we answered, "Yes: life." A lesser person might lower their standards for a quick fling, but we know that you're better than that. Stay true to yourself--at least for this week.
sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
It's like you've taken a long, hot bath in self-confidence, and now your skin is soft and glowing with self-assurance and you're radiating sweet-smelling positive energy. Drain the tub, throw some clothes on, get out there and make the most of it this week!
capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
You would do well to spend your time with old friends this week. People who've known you for years, people who know all your bad habits, people you feel so comfortable with you can throw the remote at them if they annoy you. The kind of behavior that might get you arrested out in the real world with less understanding acquaintances. Hey man, we're just trying to keep you out of jail.
aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
This week, try relying on your brains, your photographic memory and your wealth of useless trivia to win friends, influence people and get acquaintances to become your own personal back massagers.
pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Patience is a virtue. So what, you say? Okay, how about this: patience will get you laid. Now do we have your attention? You'll be tempted to fast-forward a relationship to the sex scene this week. But what's your hurry? It's Netflix--there's no late fees. Take your time, hit pause, order a pizza and then sit back and enjoy a good movie. Because without all the plot and dialogue, it's just a porno.