33 Ways to Seduce Kim Kibum 1/2
Title: 33 Ways to Seduce Kim Kibum
Genre: university!AU
Rating: PG-13
Pairing/Focus: Jongkey, side 2min
Summary: In which Jonghyun recruits the assistance of not one but four alpacas, Kibum is like a sexy unicorn in a karaoke room, Jinki applies operant conditioning, Taemin is full of infinite wisdom, and Minho is a dick.
33 Ways to Seduce Kim Kibum
People who know Jonghyun well know that he’s uncommonly frank, both with himself and with others.
People who know Jonghyun well also know that he’s incredibly, incorrigibly tenacious, and once he has a goal in mind, he'll wade through the fiery rivers of hell and back to achieve it.
This is why when he puts on his most winning smile and asks one Kim Kibum-second year art student and generally acknowledged heartless bastard-for a midnight kiss at Shim Da Young’s new years eve party, he’s not entirely discouraged by the response he receives.
“I’m not interested in gnomes,” says Kibum, his dark eyes flicking over his suitor. He smirks. “No matter how cute they are."
Tongue-tied, Jonghyun is left with no other option but to watch the other boy turn on the heels of his outlandishly expensive shoes and saunter off into the crowd.
When he returns to his apartment later that evening, the first thing that greets him is a face full of water.
“No,” his roommate says firmly. “No.” He squirts Jonghyun again with the plastic spray bottle in his hand.
“What the fuck, Jinki?” Jonghyun splutters, wiping his face on the back of his sleeve and ruing the day Jinki got that part-time job at a dog café.
“Minho’s boyfriend texted Minho who texted me about what happened at the party,” says Jinki.
“So?” Jonghyun asks defensively, still stinging from Kibum’s rejection
“So,” Jinki states, looking immensely aggrieved-as if he were the one who had just been cruelly and publicly humiliated, “I know you, Jonghyun. I know where this is going. Straight to nowhere good.”
“Okay, I don’t know what you heard, but it wasn’t that bad,” Jonghyun insists. “I mean, I think I still might have a chance with this guy. I just need a better plan of attack. Yeah, I just need to strategize a bit. You know what, you might be able to help me out on th-WILL YOU CUT THAT OUT?”
Jinki, his expression increasingly fearful, is frantically spraying him and whimpering, “No! Bad Jonghyun! No!”
~*~
His roommate’s worries are not exactly groundless though. Jonghyun stays up the entire night drafting a comprehensive schema to capture Kim Kibum's elusive and prickly heart. He ends up coming up with 33 separate and detailed approaches which he maps onto 2 pieces of A4 he’s tapes together. The entire thing ends up looking like a mutant snowflake-shaped flow chart with all 33 arms pointing to the word “SEX” scrawled in huge block letters in the center.
The next morning, he shows his plan to Minho right before their shared seminar on music theory.
“So what do you think?” Jonghyun asks eagerly, thrusting the diagram in the other boy’s face. “Brilliant, huh?”
For a long moment, the taller boy squints at the paper. The range of facial expressions that passes over his features as he processes Jonghyun’s master plan ranges from begrudging amusement to downright incredulity.
Jonghyun met Minho last autumn in Introduction to Korean Music 1, a class that was taught by a Professor Hwang, a prim, terrifying little woman who had resolutely hated Jonghyun and just about everyone else who wasn’t convinced that Korean traditional music was the most sublime manifestation of beauty that existed in the entire universe. Of course, she loved Minho, who came from long line of daegeum players and has been playing the gayageum since he was six. The other boy had been critical in helping Jonghyun pass the class even though he thoroughly enjoyed making fun of Jonghyun’s incompetence in the process. Jonghyun tolerated the treatment because even Minho’s constant jibes were better then having Professor Hwang hand him his balls every Friday.
“I think,” Minho says sagely, “that you are an utterly ridiculous human being. Also, your handwriting looks likes someone tied pencils to a chicken and tried to make it tap-dance on paper.”
Jonghyun punches him in the shoulder. “Come on, be serious! There’s some great stuff in there! One of those methods is bound to work.”
“Well, I can tell you right now which one won’t.” Minho points to Plan 6, which-among other things-involves a guitar, a soulful serenade, and a ride up to Namsan Tower. "Kibum is afraid of heights, so I doubt you'll be able to trick him into anything involving a cable car."
Jonghyun stares at Minho in surprise. "Wait, and you know this because?"
Minho rubs the bridge of his nose and flips open his textbook, saying, "Before you rush off and embarrass yourself any further, I suggest that you do some research about this guy. At the very least, it'll help you understand why someone like Kim Kibum will never be interested in someone like you."
"Your lack of faith is really inspiring," Jonghyun grumbles, shoving his diagram back into his folder. "And what do you mean he wouldn’t be interested in someone like me? He called me cute! That has to mean something, right?"
"He also called you a gnome," Minho reminds him.
"Height isn't everything, you-you freaky tree person, you."
Minho shrugs. "Whatever you say, gnomie."
~*~
Jonghyun ultimately decides to take Minho's advice and do a little reconnaissance before he puts any of his ideas into action. Since Kibum is so popular, information on him proves to be easy to find. However, since Kibum is so popular, it's difficult to determine which stories are real and which ones are just rubbish contrived by an overenthusiastic rumor mill. In the end, it doesn't really matter since nothing he discovers about the other boy turns out to be the least bit encouraging.
Here are some of the things Jonghyun hears about Kim Kibum:
- Kibum's family works in real estate and is rich in a way that most people would label obscene. They don't just own the apartment they live in; they own their entire apartment complex.
- Though he's his father’s sole heir and sits comfortably on top of a vast network of fortune, Kibum has no plans to enter the family's business. Accounts differ on why. Some say it's simply because he's more interested in making art. Others say that his father banned him from the company due to an incident that involved the son of the CFO of Samsung, a webcam, and a lot of rope.
- Kibum has a long and storied history of making the men around him feel conflicted about their sexuality. During his freshman year, he apparently gave a visiting professor a nervous breakdown. Said professor is rumored to have filed a complaint that said, "I can't teach him! He keeps looking at me!"
- Despite his popularity/infamy, he limits most of his interactions to a small, inner circle that he would do just about anything for-such as dumping hot expresso on another guy's crotch in the middle of a crowded café.
- His list of exes includes but is not limited to: a Greek oil tycoon, the leader of a Busan-based rap trio, the son of the prime minister of Thailand, an actual cowboy, and a dashing, dark-haired young man with very white teeth who looks like he should either be ripping bodices on the cover of a romance novel or captaining his own yacht.
- Kibum is not interested in dating right now. It's not clear what spurred his decision, but about a year and a half ago, he pointedly removed himself from the market, and according to all sources, currently expresses zero interest in establishing a romantic interest with anyone. Period.
In light of all this information, Jonghyun is willing to admit that his chances with Kibum appear bleak at best. However, he’s not the kind of person who backs down easily from a challenge. Sure, he’s not famous or wealthy or ripped like some of the other guys Kibum has dated. But he’s creative and he’s persistent. Also, a lot of people owe him favors.
So despite the fact that just about everyone he encounters thinks he has a better chance wooing Kim Jong Un than Kim Kibum, Jonghyun decides that he’s going to go after Kibum, naysayers be damned. After all, his mother had raised him right, instilling in him three of life's most important lessons.
- People could do anything as long they put their mind to it.
- Anything worth having is worth working for.
- Don't leave a fan on in a closed room. It will kill you.
~*~
Seven months and 26 attempts later, Jonghyun is still single. He thinks that most people-people with weaker wills that is-would have given up by now, but he remains stalwartly optimistic ("Pig-headed," his friends bemoan-all except for Minho, who just shakes his head.)
Jonghyun knows that the people around him are getting increasingly worried and that he's developing a reputation as something of a stalker. However, where his friends all see a desperate downward spiral, Jonghyun sees a flicker of hope. Despite the fact that his original diagram has been whittled down to seven measly ideas, he thinks he's gaining ground. Kibum's rejections have gotten consistently less cold and vitriolic over time. During Plans 20 through 26, he even smiled while he shot Jonghyun down. It had been a soft, fond smile, akin to the sort of expression a person might wear while watching their Labrador running into a sliding glass door.
Jonghyun elects to call that progress.
Plan 27, however, turns out to be the most disastrous. In preparation, Jonghyun acquires a bouquet of roses, a step ladder, a basket of champagne, and a parakeet (don't ask). However, he really should have invested in a more stable step ladder because an hour later he finds himself waking up in a hospital bed with a blinding pain behind his head and a cast on his arm.
"You're finally up," a soft voice says.
Jonghyun's eyes focus on the figure sitting near the foot of his bed.
It's Kibum. He's dressed in skinny jeans made up of dozens of dark patches of blue fabric. Over his turquoise shirt, he’s wearing an exquisitely tailored waistcoat with a pattern of golden clock gears. He looks ridiculous and beautiful-like always.
Upon seeing the other boy, Jonghyun's face splits into a wide grin, but then he stops because smiling has never been this excruciating.
"Ow," he whimpers. "My brain. It hurts."
"You have a mild concussion," Kibum informs him. "You'll be alright, but you're going to need to take it easy for a while."
Jonghyun glances around, realizing all of a sudden that he’s in a private room rather than one of the cots in the emergency care center.
"Um, this is a really nice hospital," he says.
"Thanks. My uncle owns it." Because Kibum's uncle would.
Kibum closes the book he’s been reading and walks over to Jonghyun's side.
"You seem okay,” he says, bending down and bringing their faces close together. His eyes search Jonghyun for signs of disorientation. They lock gazes, and Jonghyun suddenly feels like there's an anchor sitting on his chest and all the air has been pressed out of his lungs.
"I feel fine," he croaks. Maybe it's the concussion talking or maybe Kibum is just really beautiful-or maybe it's a bit of both-but Jonghyun wants to pen poetry about the shape of the other boy's eyes and the lush, sweeping curve of his lower lip.
Kibum’s mouth dips in a frown. He pulls away.
"Stop that," he says disapprovingly.
"Stop what?" Jonghyun wheezes, still working on getting his heart to stutter back to a start.
Kibum walks over the window, putting some distance between him and the bed. He looks out at the obnoxiously blue sky.
"You know," he starts slowly, "at first I thought it was some kind of joke. I thought maybe you were mocking me or trying to get back at me for saying no to you that first time at the party. So I thought if I just ignored you, you'd give up and go away." He looks back at Jonghyun. "Don't you get tired of getting rejected?"
"Don't you get tired of rejecting me?" Jonghyun shoots back.
Kibum's eyes widen and he turns away again, but not before Jonghyun catches the slight smile tugging at the corner of his lips.
"Sometimes," he admits.
Jonghyun wants to pump his fist and whoop with victory. He would if he didn't feel like a walrus just sat on his skull. Still, he can't miss an opportunity like this.
"Then go out with me," he urges, instantly upbeat. "It’ll be great. We can go to a movie or dinner or a café or all three if you want. How about this Saturday?"
"Jonghyun, you just fell off a ladder," Kibum says sternly. "You're not doing anything this weekend except staying in bed. Besides, I already told you-again and again and again: I'm not interested in dating anyone right now."
Thwarted, Jonghyun sighs heavily and settles back into his pillow. His mind reaches for a persuasive retort, anything he could use to change the other boy’s mind, but comes up empty. He's too drained and his head throbs too much for him to do anything but accept Kibum's refusal for now.
A long silence swallows up the space between them. He studies Kibum studying a vase of yellow roses sitting on the window sill. They might even be the same roses Jonghyun dropped when he fell off the ladder-some of the petals look a bit bruised.
"I don't get you," Kibum says quietly. "You’re really strange, that’s for sure, but I bet there are plenty of other guys who would be interested in you. Why are you so fixated on me? How can you even like me after all the times I've turned you down?"
Jonghyun mulls over Kibum’s question. He spends a long moment turning over in his head the events that unfolded over the past seven months.
In truth, the whole ordeal to win Kibum over had been about the challenge at first. It had been about touching the untouchable, like being able to reach his hands out and grasp a star. Everyone Jonghyun met and everything he learned about the other boy informed him that the task he was undertaking was impossible, which had only succeeded in fueling his ambition more.
However, somewhere along the line, things had changed. Something had sparked a genuine interest in the person buried beneath all that notoriety.
"Plan 24," Jonghyun recalls.
Kibum blinks. "What?"
"Plan 24," Jonghyun repeats. "Remember that time I sent my roommate to deliver a singing telegram to you?"
"Yeah," Kibum says, the memory surfacing. "Wasn't he on gondola? And he sang in Italian? And he was even wearing a striped shirt and a little straw hat?"
Jonghyun snickers. Jinki had proven his true worth as a friend that day-unlike Minho, who was a total bastard and had laughed in Jonghyun's face when he'd asked for help.
"And when you saw him you cracked up so hard, you spilled coffee all over yourself.” Jonghyun remembers the way the other boy had laughed, head thrown back, braced against a wall for support like he was about to collapse.
Kibum can't help but grin even now. "Well, can you blame me?"
"No," Jonghyun says. "But that was the first time you didn't get mad or annoyed at me for asking you out. You just laughed."
"Hm, I guess I did," Kibum says.
"I realized something that day." Jonghyun yawns, his eyelids beginning to droop as exhaustion sets in. "I realized that if you reacted like that every time I asked you out, it didn’t matter if you kept turning me down. Because it would be worth it just to see you laugh.”
Something darts across Kibum's face, a worried, conflicted expression that passes too quickly for Jonghyun's injured brain to decipher.
Kibum’s shoulders slumps and he sighs, exasperated. "Why do you have to be so impossible, Jonghyun?"
"I could say the same to you," Jonghyun mumbles, his eyes drifting closed.
~*~
The effects of a concussion and broken arm do nothing to dissuade Jonghyun from executing Plans 28 through 32. Although all five prove to be just as futile as their predecessors, it’s not their failure that bothers Jonghyun.
Something’s changed between him and Kibum. Ever since their conversation at the hospital, the other boy has been distant. Instead of reacting to Jonghyun’s outlandish proposals with laughter or derision, he just gives him a tight-lipped smile followed by a polite and vaguely apologetic refusal.
“What’s wrong?” Jonghyun asks. He’s standing in the plaza near the center of campus dressed in a brown tweed suit and holding over a hundred balloons of assorted colors in his right hand. He even got one of his art major friends to draw the gangly, exotic bird on his cast.
There are dozens of spectators nearby gawking at them, but he doesn’t pay them any mind. What’s more important is that Kibum is staring at Jonghyun with a sad, pained expression.
“I thought this was your favorite movie,” Jonghyun says, adjusting his glasses. “Did I get it wrong?"
“No, it is. It’s just-“ Jonghyun has never seen Kibum at such a loss for words. The other boy always seems ready with an arsenal of scathing retort or dry, witty quips. Seeing him rendered speechless is unsettling to say the least.
“Is it the dog?” Jonghyun wonders aloud, gesturing towards the fat golden retriever scratching itself near his feet. “Because I swear to you, I got permission to borrow him. It’s not like that time with the swans and the-“
“Jonghyun, stop.” There’s no reason Kibum should be looking at him like that, like Jonghyun’s breaking his heart-impossible because he can’t break something he never had can he? “I’m serious. I can’t play this game with you anymore. Maybe it was fun at the beginning, but this has to end. I mean it. No more public declarations, no more singing, no more ridiculous outfits, no more animals. All of this needs to stop because-“ he hugs the sketchbook he’s holding tightly to his chest, “-it’s too hard for me to watch you doing this to yourself.”
Before Jonghyun can respond, Kibum turns and says the one thing he’s never said to him before.
“Go away, Jonghyun. I don’t want to see you again.”
For the thirty-third time, Jonghyun watches the other boy leave him.
Continue to Part 2