An Officer and the Noble Woman, Part 42
An Officer and the Noble Woman, Part 42
Author: dtstrainers
Paring: Donna Noble/Peter Carlisle
Co-Captain of this Ship: WhosInTheAttic, for getting me started on this, but all errors are mine alone.
First Mate: The lovely serenityslady has officially joined the crew. Thanks for the support and suggestions, especially this time around.
Rating: PG for Plot Galore and A for a Console Room chock full o' AngstWord Count: 5,255
Disclaimer: Donna and Peter- not mine, but in my mind.
Part 1 | Part 5 | Part 10 | Part 15 | Part 20.1 | Part 25 | Part 30 | Part 35.1 | Part 40
Last Thursday, July 5, 2012 2:20 AM
The TARDIS materialized among the trees on Turnham Green, across the street from Donna's flat, amidst a swirl of leaves and the groan of machinery that was ancient before mankind learned to walk upright. As the door was thrown wide and the Doctor prepared to rush out, a dark shape stepped from the shadows, barring his way.
"So, Doc- tell me. Are the stories true?” Jack Harkness asked in a jaunty tone, his hands in his pockets as he stood fast in the doorway. If the Doctor had taken a moment to look, he would have seen the smile the Captain wore seemed a bit forced and came nowhere near his eyes. "Can Time Lords control their regenerations? You know, determine their appearance at will?” Jack persisted.
"Get out of my way, Jack," the Doctor demanded angrily. He thrust out a hand, locking his elbow in place as he prepared to push past. "Donna needs me."
"No, she doesn't," Jack stated calmly, bracing himself against the TARDIS doorframe. He glanced down at the Doctor’s hand splayed against his chest, then back to the Doctor’s face. "She’ll be fine."
"Jack, you don't know what is going on, right here, right now, what the readings indicate is happening to Donna,” the Doctor snarled, gesturing wildly behind him at the TARDIS console with his free hand. He pushed against Jack frantically, crying, "She has only minutes to live! Now get out of my way-"
Jack lifted his chin in quiet defiance and looked down his nose at the agitated Time Lord. "Check your readings again, Doc," Jack insisted calmly, stepping into the TARDIS and forcing the Doctor back.
"What? What are you playing at?" the Doctor protested, trying to dance around Jack. "Donna is in terrible-"
"Check your readings again," Jack repeated slowly, with the air of an adult repeating instructions to an agitated, impulsive child. "Check your readings again and then answer my question," he insisted with a hint of impatience beneath the calm as he stepped aside.
The Doctor scowled at Jack for a moment before he thrust the sonic screwdriver through the TARDIS doorway, pointing up in the direction of Donna's bedroom. With a sniff of impatience, he jerked the sonic back before him, sparing a cursory glance at the readout as he prepared to swing about self-righteously when something strange registered mid-pirouette. He continued his spin 360 degrees and arced his arm around, full circle, training the sonic on the building across the way yet again.
"She's moved," the Doctor muttered to himself as he snatched the sonic back and studied the display. "In her current condition, she shouldn't be capable of that." He stepped outside and swept his arm up and down, shuffling forward and pointing the device at Donna’s flat once more.
The Doctor pulled the sonic back and peered at it before he turned and dashed past Jack into the TARDIS. "Based on my earlier reconnaissance of the premises, she seems to have moved from the bedroom to the bath, and at a fairly quick pace," he mumbled, darting to the TARDIS console and checking the readouts. He swung around to the opposite side, his boots scrabbling madly on the glass floor for purchase as he grabbed hold of the monitor and pulled it closer.
Jack took advantage of his distraction to look about the control room with an appraising eye. He pursed his lips and bobbed his head from side to side as he considered the bright, shiny space around him, comparing the current control room to his memories. "I like what you've done with the place," he finally decided. "It suits this new you, somehow. Bright and shiny at first glance, but there's a lot just below the surface, if you take the time to look," he said.
He took a sudden step back, staring through the floor as he craned his head about, trying to get a better view of the space beneath the console. "Is that a cradle down there, Doc?,” he asked, stunned. "I mean, I realize you and the old girl are close, but suspension bondage?” He stood back and chewed his lip for a moment before he let out a low whistle. "This new you is a bit kinky.”
Engrossed as he was in reconciling the current readings on the sonic with his original data set, the Doctor ignored Jack completely.
"Not that I'm knocking the previous model, mind,” he mused, remembering a Doctor who was charming, cheeky and seemed perhaps a bit more confident. He ran a finger across the console controls and looked for anything that looked familiar. He sniffed and sauntered around the console to stand next to his new/old friend. “Though I think I miss the organic, steampunk vibe a bit. I quite liked the coral and the round things. Sort of felt like I was inside a giant sea urchin. You never did explain what the round things were for…”
The Doctor continued to act as though Jack wasn’t there. "She's stabilizing,” he breathed with a curious mix of gratitude and incredulity. "There was a spike, Jack, one of dangerous, almost certainly deadly proportions, but it's dissipating. She's almost entirely normal again.” The Doctor verified the readings one more time, until, satisfied that Donna was safe, he turned accusingly on Jack. "And you knew,” he said with an air of quiet menace. He advanced, his eyes dark and dangerous as the former Time Agent stood his ground. "You knew this would happen, Captain.” The Doctor settled into a state of almost preternatural calm as he came face to face with Jack, his eyes level and unblinking. "Explain yourself."
“I’m just doing what you asked me to,” Jack replied nonchalantly, smiling sweetly, a picture of perfect innocence. "Trust me when I tell you she's fine right now. I’ve bounced around a bit in Ms. Noble's personal timeline and, for once, I'm not the one going off half-cocked, like some old west cowboy,” he assured the Doctor as he reached up to flick the Stetson he wore. Noting the bullet hole in the crown of the hat, Jack’s eyebrow twitched once. “Still charming your way across time and space, I see,” he added with a smirk. Without thinking, Jack peered a bit closer at the Doctor’s face, and in a surprisingly intimate gesture, he licked his thumb and swiped it across the Doctors cheekbone to remove a smudge of black.
“You ‘bounced around' in her timeline?,” the Doctor cried, batting Jack's hand away in annoyance. ‘That's extraordinarily reckless by any standard, even for you, not to mention dangerous for Donna!” He stalked back to the console once more, flicking switches and pressing buttons as he consulted various sensors. He glanced at a monitor hung just at eye level as he passed and, grabbing the edge of the console to use it as an anchor, he swung himself back to the display with a frown. "And how do you know that whatever you saw that makes you think she’s all right will come to pass?” the Doctor demanded angrily, swinging the screen around for Jack to see. An image of Donna flickered there, shifting between a view of her sat in a gently-lit window-seat cradling a small bundle and another of her in the same location, slumped against the glass and staring morosely into the dark. The Doctor read something on the screen and his lip curled into a sneer as he rounded once more on Jack. “Time is in flux and-"
“Doctor,” Jack interjected, stepping forward and turning the screen to himself, wondering just what the concentric and overlapping circles that danced there meant. He turned his attention to Donna’s picture, watching as it oscillated between scenes of quiet joy and profound misery before he continued.
"I've watched them,” he stated quietly, still looking at the monitor. Jack turned and laid a steading hand on the Doctor’s shoulder as he tilted his head and considered how best to proceed. "He's good for her,” he added urgently. "When I spoke to him-“
"You spoke to him?!?” the Doctor roared, rearing back and refusing to be placated by Jack’s charm offensive. "Spoke to him! What, you just popped by for a little chat? Did you drop in during office hours or lie in wait for him down at the pub ? Did you 'just say hello'," the Doctor mocked, making air quotes before flapping his hands about to bat away the series of unwanted images that popped into his head. He pivoted on the ball of one foot and lunged towards Jack, his voice shaking with undisguised fury.
"Or was it all ‘Fancy a pint, Detective Inspector, and oh, while we're at it, let me tell you all about your amnesiac girlfriend?" He whirled about like a mad scarecrow in a storm, all but shouting, "I told you to get rid of him, not give him permission to date Donna as though she was your daughter!" He folded his arms across his chest and slumped back against the TARDIS console, crossing his legs at the ankle and fuming silently as he glared at Jack.
Jack watched the proceeding display impassively, rocking back on his heels with his hands casually resting in his trouser pockets as he waited for the storm to pass. "No, Doctor, you asked me to look after her,” he corrected, pursing his lips and looking to the heavens as he tapped his bottom lip with a finger. "What were your exact words?” he wondered aloud. "Oh, yes: I was to protect her from you, if I recall.” Jack struck a heroic pose, legs planted firmly apart and arms folded across his chest. He raised his chin and stared levelly at the Doctor. "And that's exactly what I'm doing."
"You were supposed to warn him off!" the Doctor erupted, launching himself off the console and skidding to a halt in front of the Captain.
'I did,” Jack replied calmly. "I warned him off looking into her past."
“That’s not what I meant and you know it!” the Doctor yelled, windmilling his arms about furiously.
“So what did you mean, Doc?" Jack demanded, unfolding his arms and stepping directly into the Doctor’s path. " I think you need to step back a bit and examine your motives. Go on- take a long, hard look," he challenged, poking the Doctor in the chest. "What do you want?”
The Doctor scowled at Jack but refused to answer.
"Look," Jack said, shaking his head in frustration. "I lied for you. I made him think this was all Torchwood, that we were the ones watching her.” He stepped back with a frown, running his fingers through his hair before murmuring, "Not that it matters. It's not like there’s anyone left for him to cause trouble for." He looked up sharply and demanded, “And it was you, wasn't it? In his office? In her flat?”
The Doctor's furious silence was all the response he needed.
"I thought so," Jack continued moving closer to his friend. "So just tell me- what do you, the Doctor, want?"
“I want her safe!” The Doctor bellowed abruptly, stalking about the room like a caged beast. He rotated on one heel and stomped over to Jack with a petulant jut to his chin. “I want her happy!”
Jack merely raised a skeptical eyebrow and the Doctor stepped closer, glaring at him in a silent challenge to disagree. After a full minute under Jack’s unrelenting scrutiny, however, the Doctor wavered in place before he stepped back and deflated visibly. “I want her back,” he finally muttered with a frown. He glanced up at Jack guiltily as he fidgeted with the sonic. “I want her back with me.”
“Is that possible?” Jack ventured, knowing the answer before he even asked.
“No,” the Doctor replied, rolling the sonic restlessly between his hands.
"Have you looked?” Jack asked gently, gaining himself a withering stare in the process. He stood back, straightening as he demanded, “Well, have you, Mister High and Mighty Time Lord, or are you just assuming?”
“Yes. Yes, of course I've looked,” the Doctor said under his breath, hanging his head and scratching at his ear in a gesture Jack found painfully familiar.
“And?”
“It won’t work, Jack," the Doctor confessed morosely, looking down at his open hands. "Every time I think I’ve found a way, there's always a catch. Whenever something did look promising, I’d investigate further and look at the timelines, and every single time, her chances of a permanent recovery were one in a hundred thousand million." He spread his fingers wide, then reflexively balled them into fists as he screwed his eyes shut. But even with his eyes closed, he could still see it- that one, perfect day when all the stars aligned and all was right with the universe and Donna Noble remembered; remembered him, remembered the TARDIS, remembered everything. He opened his eyes slowly and shook head, looking over to Jack. “She promised me forever, Jack, but it’s too dangerous. I won’t risk her life.”
"I'm sorry, Doctor,” Jack said quietly. "I didn't realize until later how close the two of you were."
The Doctor gave a noncommittal shrug and looked back at his hands. His lips twitched once and Jack had to strain to hear the words he spoke then. "I used to be a Martian, did you know?" he said wistfully.
"Doc,” Jack risked asking, "have you watched them together?" He saw the Doctor flinch slightly, but otherwise, he remained immobile. Jack was sure, however, that he was listening and decided to forge ahead. “Because I have. And you may not want to hear this, but he’s good for her. She’s happy. They’re happy together.” The Doctor's face remained impassive but he swallow hard as Jack continued. “I dunno what it is, but they look like a couple.”
The Doctor suddenly flared to life with a snarl. “She’s only reacting to that man in that manner because somehow, she remembers me!” He stuffed his sonic screwdriver into his jacket pocket and leaned heavily against the console, acting as though he were reading the figures displayed there.
“So, you two were like that, then?” Jack persisted, disbelief etched in his voice. He followed the Doctor as he sidestepped around the console, throwing random switches and pretending to peer at gages. When it was obvious that the Time Lord had no intention of responding, Jack tried another approach.
“OK, Doc" he pointed out conversationally, "you never answered my question. Tell me. Are the stories true?” The Doctor paused in his retreat around the controls with an air of confusion and Jack suppressed a smile: despite the fact that they were in a round chamber, he had him cornered.
"Can Time Lords control their regenerations? Determine their appearance at will?” he asked casually. The Doctor’s eyes narrowed as he scratched his chin in thought. "After all, my friend has changed on me twice now,” Jack prodded. "I think I’ve earned the right to know."
With an abrupt burst of energy, the Doctor rebooted into professorial mode. "Well, yes and no,” he drawled pedantically. "The older one gets, the easier it is to make ... suggestions?” he began, warming to the topic. "But some Time Lords were extraordinarily gifted in that area from the start. My friend the Corsair, for instance- always had a tattoo that served to identify him, or her, as the case may be.” Jack’s eyes widened slightly in surprise as he considered the implications.
"I remember waking up in jail one time,” the Doctor continued, veering off-topic as his delivery gained in speed and he reeled around the room. "Somehow, we'd started the night with a friendly drink at a tavern, not too far from here in the Spring of 1687, and the next thing I know, we're waking up in a jail cell some time late next year after having been found singing “Tubthumping” at the top of our lungs in the main vault of the Bank of England.” He slid smoothly across the glass floor to stop in front of Jack, his voice dropping to conspiratorial levels. "We had a hell of a time making bail, let me tell you. I think our rendition of “Danny Boy’ whilst in custody may have adversely affected-"
“Doctor,” Jack interrupted reluctantly, “as fascinating as all this is, can we get back to the point?"
“Point?” the Doctor said, blinking. "Ah, yes, well - not to put too fine a point on it, but yes.” He shook his head and began to pontificate once more.
"Yes, we can control our appearance, with varying degrees of success. It depends upon the circumstances of the regeneration, of course, and the more violent ones are generally pot luck, but sometimes,” he paused for emphasis and to suck in a breath. “Sometimes, a face from your travels sticks with you, or a feature you particularly fancy pops into your head, and sometimes, rarely, it's someone you will meet, in the future, but generally, in my case, it's in response to what I felt I needed the last time or what I feel I’m going to need on the next go around.” He ended with a flourish of hands as he gestured at himself, then straightened abruptly to study Jack’s reaction.
“And I’d say your last regeneration was violent, if I had to guess,” Jack mused, pursuing his lips and looking about the TARDIS.
“A bit, yes,” the Doctor admitted hesitantly.
"That explains it, then," Jack muttered.
"Explains what?” the Doctor asked.
“Hey, Doc, you regenerated in here,” Jack said, indicating the room with a sweep of his hand. “And I think the destruction you obviously caused was on purpose.”
“Are you mad?” the Doctor protested. “The TARDIS is my home! Why would I ever-“
“Well, when you went from big ears to big hair, you controlled it a lot better,” Jack pointed out. “But that time, you changed so you could stick around. You had Rose to live for. Not this last time, though.” Jack said, sitting down on the stairs leading beyond the control room. “This time, it looks like you wanted to obliterate anything that had a connection to your old life. You wanted to erase everything that would remind you of what you had and lost,” Jack pronounced darkly.
He sniffed once and twisted around to look down the corridor behind him. “Is my room still down there? Is hers?” he asked, purposefully leaving the question ambiguous.
“I’m afraid I’m not following you, Jack,” the Doctor said guardedly.
"Well, I always thought, you know, that your last body…” he explained, waving awkwardly as he decided how to respond. He gave up on diplomacy with a shrug and blurted out, “Well, I just assumed it was for Rose, yeah?” The Doctor cocked his head to the side with a puzzled frown as Jack barreled on.
"And I always thought that was a bit of a waste, seeing how much she loved you with a bad attitude, big ears, and leather.” Jack nodded slowly, looking over the Doctor’s shoulder and into the past as the pieces fell into place.
“But now I get it. That body, it wasn't for Rose. I mean, not really, was it?” He focused on the Doctor’s face and leaned back, reclining on the stairs with a slightly lascivious smirk. "I mean, yeah, she appreciated it. Hell, I appreciated it. Every sentient being with sensory organs and a libido appreciated it, but that's not what it was for, was it?"
The Doctor refused to meet Jack's eyes as he fumbled with his bow tie. "I’m sure I don't know what you mean, Captain,” he said stiffly and, for Jack, that sealed it. The Doctor only used his title when he wanted distance, Jack knew, and he realized his remarks must have been cutting a bit too close to the bone.
"Hey, I know I hurt Donna's feelings that first time on the TARDIS when I didn't hug her,” Jack confessed, standing and stretching, "but I'd gotten tired of you warning me off your companions.” He walked slowly around the Time Rotor, spreading his arms wide as he stopped before the Doctor. "And after I saw how you were when Donna was trapped in the TARDIS and you thought she was gone? You begged a Dalek to let you die in her place, man, with Rose right there beside you!”
Jack took a step back and turned on the spot, letting his coat flare out around him. He spun dramatically back to the Doctor as he thrust his hands into his coat pockets, stalking back to where the Time Lord stood with a hooded expression. "Well, I tried to tell myself it was because you'd do that for any companion or that you’d rather die in the TARDIS alone than be trapped somewhere for the rest of your days without the old girl... but the desolation in your eyes?" He continued his relentless pursuit as the Doctor made for the controls again, but Jack was there, interspersing himself between the Time Lord and the console for his closing argument.
“What I'm saying is that you didn't change for Rose, did you? You thought you did, at the time, but it wasn't Rose. Absorbing all that Time Vortex energy from the Bad Wolf and then releasing it back into the TARDIS,” he thought aloud, shaking his head. "It was a violent change and you couldn't control it. Your time sense was confused and overrun. You changed- into that body- because you saw this, but you didn’t know what this was, exactly,” Jack accused. He saw the chink in the Doctor’s armor and intensified his offensive.
“All you knew was that face, the face you saw as the Time Vortex bled away- That - Face- was the face of the man the woman you would come to love would love in return,” he asserted. Jack slowly drew himself up when the full extent of the Doctor’s loss came clear. "You changed into that face,” he breathed, "because you knew that was the face the woman you would love would want to spend forever with. And naturally, at the time, you assumed that woman was going to be Rose. But it wasn't, was it?"
"Stop it, Jack," the Doctor warned, his face pale as he leaned over the controls and gripped the edge of the console with white-knuckled hands. "Stop it this instant." But Jack was on a roll and there was no stopping him.
"I know you can’t really see your own timeline, but in the turmoil, you caught glimpses, impressions, emotions that bled over from your future, and you thought they came from Rose, standing right there, but they weren’t. But how could you know? You hadn’t even met her yet,” Jack reasoned as he thought aloud. “But when you changed, you felt those emotions and you heard forever and you mistook what you saw for your future together with Rose. But what you really saw was Donna’s future with …” Jack’s eyes widened in sudden understanding.
“You really did think you loved Rose and she was going to be your forever. And then she was gone, you thought forever, and you never believed you’d love anyone again anyway. I get that. But by the time you worked out that you’d fallen in love with Donna, you couldn’t tell her. You thought you’d blown it with all your “just mates” blarney.” Jack was swept away by the force of his logic and in his mania, he missed the Doctor’s stricken expression.
“And then when you heard her tell Martha she was going to travel with you forever, you must have been so happy. You must have been so sure you’d be able to make her know how you felt eventually and that she was going to be able to give you at least her version of forever." Jack stopped short when the Doctor’s head jerked around in alarm.
“What?” Jack said defensively. “You think you never came up in conversation when Martha and I went out for a coffee? Especially after we found out what happened to Donna?” The Doctor stared at him coldly before he dropped his head into his hands, and Jack risked reaching out to lay a consoling hand on the his shoulder.
“Oh, Doctor- I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry,” Jack said sincerely. “It’s a bit ironic, if you think of it,” he mused, looking up at the ceiling. “Rose and Donna; They’re both ending up with a man with that face and here you are alone with me.” He half-expected the Doctor to leap to his feet and deny everything, to protest, to rebuff him, to maybe even throw him out of the TARDIS, this time for good, and he held his breath as he waited to see which it would be. He was all but astonished when the Time Lord turned around and sat back heavily on the stairs with his hands clasped despondently between his knees.
“What do I do now, Jack?” he asked, rubbing his hand across his face. When he turned to look up, Jack was startled to see his red-rimmed eyes brim over and a single tear stain his cheek.
Jack considered his words for a long moment before he spoke. “Doc, the way I see it, you have exactly two options,” he said. “It's simple: you get her back or you let her go.” When the Doctor huffed out an ironic snort, Jack added, “You said you hadn’t found a way to fix her. Maybe we can work together-”
“No,” the Doctor interrupted, shutting down Jack’s offer. “I've looked everywhere. There's just no precedence for what’s happened to Donna.” He covered his face and spoke from behind his hands. “There are theories- mad, dangerous notions - but they're unproven and I can't risk it,” he breathed, scrubbing his face madly then threading his fingers though his hair. “I can't even ask her if I should try,” he complained.
“Well, that's a switch,” Jack said dryly before he could stop himself. “You, giving a companion an opportunity to choose?”
“What exactly are you implying, Captain?,” the Doctor retorted stiffly. “I always have the best interests of my companions at heart.”
In for a pound, thought Jack before he replied, “Their interests? Yeah, but you treat them like children, incapable of making their own decisions.” The Doctor gaped at him indignantly and as he opened his mouth to retort, Jack cut him off.
“Do you need a list?” he demanded. “I can start with Rose. Or should I begin with me?”
The Doctor closed his mouth with an audible click of teeth and had the good grace to look ashamed. Jack leaned over him and rested both hands on his shoulders.
“Doctor, if you’re sure you can’t save her, you have no choice. If you can’t make her remember, then you have to leave her,” Jack urged. He sat down heavily next to the Doctor and stared down into the darkness beneath his feet.
“She was my best mate,” the Doctor admitted and for a moment, Jack thought he heard the ghost of his friend’s previous self in his voice. “When I lost her …. I … things… I went a bit mad, Jack, without her.” He smiled grimly before he continued. “Grief does funny things to you, sometimes.” He looked up suddenly into the Captain’s eyes. “I mean, I've lost companions before ... But no one fought harder and to lose her at my own hands…”
"When you did ... what you had to do," Jack said, his eyes still on the darkness below, hyperaware of the Doctor's vulnerability, "Is that when you realized how much you loved her? As more than just a mate?" The Doctor regarded him gratefully, glad that the Captain for once had the tact and self-restraint to not indulge in the obvious joke.
"Me?” the Doctor said ruefully, shaking his head with a frown. "Love her? That was never the question.” Jack risked a sideways glance at the admission. The Doctor looked lost and forlorn and for once, Jack saw nothing but naked vulnerability in his too-private friend.
“No, Jack, that's when I saw that she loved me." He started to reach up and adjust his tie, but he arrested the gesture midway and let his hands fall limply into his lap. "I saw that she had for quite some time, but she couldn't believe that I could ever return…She thought … she believed she wasn't good enough and that I...," he choked out, deeply ashamed at his display of weakness.
He took a deep, shuddering breath and closed his eyes to focus on his breathing. ”But she was prepared to stay anyway, Jack. She was content just traveling with me. She had no expectations, but she would have stayed with me for the rest of her life, and she would have been happy. We could have gone on forever, just as friends and nothing more, and she would have been happy,” he said in a broken, hollow voice. "And knowing that now? Knowing how she felt, about herself and about me?” He looked up at Jack imploringly. “What’s that Earth saying, Captain? While there's life, there's hope?”
“Peter Carlisle is helping her put her life back together, and he’s helping her build context for those memories that have been leaking through since she got back,” Jack said urgently. “It's what destroyed her marriage to Shaun.”
“And Donna wanted children,” the Doctor revealed, going on as if he’d never heard a word the Captain had said. "She never said, but I could tell. Just another thing she was prepared to give up to stay with me, Jack, and it started me thinking."
Jack shook his head in frustration and twisted around, reaching for his friend’s hand. “Doc, you have to own up to facts. You can’t fix what happened. You lost her,” he said.
"I thought it would be fun to see which me any children of hers would resemble,” the Doctor murmured. He drew in a deep breath and affected a jaunty air and a false smile. "Now I know.” He couldn’t maintain the facade for long, though, and another tear streaked down his face. He wiped it away and looked off into space. "Maybe one of them will be ginger,” he added in a whisper and Jack’s heart broke anew.
“Donna’s gone to you,” Jack pronounced, hating the finality of the situation. "If you love her, you’ll let her go.”
The Doctor swallowed past the lump that had unaccountably formed in his throat. “Will that make it go away, Jack? The pain?” he wanted to know.
“No,” Jack confessed. “No, only time can do that.”
The Doctor gave an ironic snort and a wry smile graced his lips before his face fell again.
“How can you stand it, Jack? Human emotion?” the Doctor asked without looking at him.
“Eternity is a long, lonely time without love, Doctor,” Jack replied, remembering morning lie ins and seemingly-endless mugs of perfect coffee with a melancholy smile. “You can try doing what I do. Hold tight to the memories and cherish what you had. If you’re lucky, you’ll find another hand to hold. But just know that even if you do, it will never feel the same again.”
Part 1 | Part 5 | Part 10 | Part 15 | Part 20.1 | Part 25 | Part 30 | Part 35.1 | Part 40
Author: dtstrainers
Paring: Donna Noble/Peter Carlisle
Co-Captain of this Ship: WhosInTheAttic, for getting me started on this, but all errors are mine alone.
First Mate: The lovely serenityslady has officially joined the crew. Thanks for the support and suggestions, especially this time around.
Rating: PG for Plot Galore and A for a Console Room chock full o' AngstWord Count: 5,255
Disclaimer: Donna and Peter- not mine, but in my mind.
Part 1 | Part 5 | Part 10 | Part 15 | Part 20.1 | Part 25 | Part 30 | Part 35.1 | Part 40
Last Thursday, July 5, 2012 2:20 AM
The TARDIS materialized among the trees on Turnham Green, across the street from Donna's flat, amidst a swirl of leaves and the groan of machinery that was ancient before mankind learned to walk upright. As the door was thrown wide and the Doctor prepared to rush out, a dark shape stepped from the shadows, barring his way.
"So, Doc- tell me. Are the stories true?” Jack Harkness asked in a jaunty tone, his hands in his pockets as he stood fast in the doorway. If the Doctor had taken a moment to look, he would have seen the smile the Captain wore seemed a bit forced and came nowhere near his eyes. "Can Time Lords control their regenerations? You know, determine their appearance at will?” Jack persisted.
"Get out of my way, Jack," the Doctor demanded angrily. He thrust out a hand, locking his elbow in place as he prepared to push past. "Donna needs me."
"No, she doesn't," Jack stated calmly, bracing himself against the TARDIS doorframe. He glanced down at the Doctor’s hand splayed against his chest, then back to the Doctor’s face. "She’ll be fine."
"Jack, you don't know what is going on, right here, right now, what the readings indicate is happening to Donna,” the Doctor snarled, gesturing wildly behind him at the TARDIS console with his free hand. He pushed against Jack frantically, crying, "She has only minutes to live! Now get out of my way-"
Jack lifted his chin in quiet defiance and looked down his nose at the agitated Time Lord. "Check your readings again, Doc," Jack insisted calmly, stepping into the TARDIS and forcing the Doctor back.
"What? What are you playing at?" the Doctor protested, trying to dance around Jack. "Donna is in terrible-"
"Check your readings again," Jack repeated slowly, with the air of an adult repeating instructions to an agitated, impulsive child. "Check your readings again and then answer my question," he insisted with a hint of impatience beneath the calm as he stepped aside.
The Doctor scowled at Jack for a moment before he thrust the sonic screwdriver through the TARDIS doorway, pointing up in the direction of Donna's bedroom. With a sniff of impatience, he jerked the sonic back before him, sparing a cursory glance at the readout as he prepared to swing about self-righteously when something strange registered mid-pirouette. He continued his spin 360 degrees and arced his arm around, full circle, training the sonic on the building across the way yet again.
"She's moved," the Doctor muttered to himself as he snatched the sonic back and studied the display. "In her current condition, she shouldn't be capable of that." He stepped outside and swept his arm up and down, shuffling forward and pointing the device at Donna’s flat once more.
The Doctor pulled the sonic back and peered at it before he turned and dashed past Jack into the TARDIS. "Based on my earlier reconnaissance of the premises, she seems to have moved from the bedroom to the bath, and at a fairly quick pace," he mumbled, darting to the TARDIS console and checking the readouts. He swung around to the opposite side, his boots scrabbling madly on the glass floor for purchase as he grabbed hold of the monitor and pulled it closer.
Jack took advantage of his distraction to look about the control room with an appraising eye. He pursed his lips and bobbed his head from side to side as he considered the bright, shiny space around him, comparing the current control room to his memories. "I like what you've done with the place," he finally decided. "It suits this new you, somehow. Bright and shiny at first glance, but there's a lot just below the surface, if you take the time to look," he said.
He took a sudden step back, staring through the floor as he craned his head about, trying to get a better view of the space beneath the console. "Is that a cradle down there, Doc?,” he asked, stunned. "I mean, I realize you and the old girl are close, but suspension bondage?” He stood back and chewed his lip for a moment before he let out a low whistle. "This new you is a bit kinky.”
Engrossed as he was in reconciling the current readings on the sonic with his original data set, the Doctor ignored Jack completely.
"Not that I'm knocking the previous model, mind,” he mused, remembering a Doctor who was charming, cheeky and seemed perhaps a bit more confident. He ran a finger across the console controls and looked for anything that looked familiar. He sniffed and sauntered around the console to stand next to his new/old friend. “Though I think I miss the organic, steampunk vibe a bit. I quite liked the coral and the round things. Sort of felt like I was inside a giant sea urchin. You never did explain what the round things were for…”
The Doctor continued to act as though Jack wasn’t there. "She's stabilizing,” he breathed with a curious mix of gratitude and incredulity. "There was a spike, Jack, one of dangerous, almost certainly deadly proportions, but it's dissipating. She's almost entirely normal again.” The Doctor verified the readings one more time, until, satisfied that Donna was safe, he turned accusingly on Jack. "And you knew,” he said with an air of quiet menace. He advanced, his eyes dark and dangerous as the former Time Agent stood his ground. "You knew this would happen, Captain.” The Doctor settled into a state of almost preternatural calm as he came face to face with Jack, his eyes level and unblinking. "Explain yourself."
“I’m just doing what you asked me to,” Jack replied nonchalantly, smiling sweetly, a picture of perfect innocence. "Trust me when I tell you she's fine right now. I’ve bounced around a bit in Ms. Noble's personal timeline and, for once, I'm not the one going off half-cocked, like some old west cowboy,” he assured the Doctor as he reached up to flick the Stetson he wore. Noting the bullet hole in the crown of the hat, Jack’s eyebrow twitched once. “Still charming your way across time and space, I see,” he added with a smirk. Without thinking, Jack peered a bit closer at the Doctor’s face, and in a surprisingly intimate gesture, he licked his thumb and swiped it across the Doctors cheekbone to remove a smudge of black.
“You ‘bounced around' in her timeline?,” the Doctor cried, batting Jack's hand away in annoyance. ‘That's extraordinarily reckless by any standard, even for you, not to mention dangerous for Donna!” He stalked back to the console once more, flicking switches and pressing buttons as he consulted various sensors. He glanced at a monitor hung just at eye level as he passed and, grabbing the edge of the console to use it as an anchor, he swung himself back to the display with a frown. "And how do you know that whatever you saw that makes you think she’s all right will come to pass?” the Doctor demanded angrily, swinging the screen around for Jack to see. An image of Donna flickered there, shifting between a view of her sat in a gently-lit window-seat cradling a small bundle and another of her in the same location, slumped against the glass and staring morosely into the dark. The Doctor read something on the screen and his lip curled into a sneer as he rounded once more on Jack. “Time is in flux and-"
“Doctor,” Jack interjected, stepping forward and turning the screen to himself, wondering just what the concentric and overlapping circles that danced there meant. He turned his attention to Donna’s picture, watching as it oscillated between scenes of quiet joy and profound misery before he continued.
"I've watched them,” he stated quietly, still looking at the monitor. Jack turned and laid a steading hand on the Doctor’s shoulder as he tilted his head and considered how best to proceed. "He's good for her,” he added urgently. "When I spoke to him-“
"You spoke to him?!?” the Doctor roared, rearing back and refusing to be placated by Jack’s charm offensive. "Spoke to him! What, you just popped by for a little chat? Did you drop in during office hours or lie in wait for him down at the pub ? Did you 'just say hello'," the Doctor mocked, making air quotes before flapping his hands about to bat away the series of unwanted images that popped into his head. He pivoted on the ball of one foot and lunged towards Jack, his voice shaking with undisguised fury.
"Or was it all ‘Fancy a pint, Detective Inspector, and oh, while we're at it, let me tell you all about your amnesiac girlfriend?" He whirled about like a mad scarecrow in a storm, all but shouting, "I told you to get rid of him, not give him permission to date Donna as though she was your daughter!" He folded his arms across his chest and slumped back against the TARDIS console, crossing his legs at the ankle and fuming silently as he glared at Jack.
Jack watched the proceeding display impassively, rocking back on his heels with his hands casually resting in his trouser pockets as he waited for the storm to pass. "No, Doctor, you asked me to look after her,” he corrected, pursing his lips and looking to the heavens as he tapped his bottom lip with a finger. "What were your exact words?” he wondered aloud. "Oh, yes: I was to protect her from you, if I recall.” Jack struck a heroic pose, legs planted firmly apart and arms folded across his chest. He raised his chin and stared levelly at the Doctor. "And that's exactly what I'm doing."
"You were supposed to warn him off!" the Doctor erupted, launching himself off the console and skidding to a halt in front of the Captain.
'I did,” Jack replied calmly. "I warned him off looking into her past."
“That’s not what I meant and you know it!” the Doctor yelled, windmilling his arms about furiously.
“So what did you mean, Doc?" Jack demanded, unfolding his arms and stepping directly into the Doctor’s path. " I think you need to step back a bit and examine your motives. Go on- take a long, hard look," he challenged, poking the Doctor in the chest. "What do you want?”
The Doctor scowled at Jack but refused to answer.
"Look," Jack said, shaking his head in frustration. "I lied for you. I made him think this was all Torchwood, that we were the ones watching her.” He stepped back with a frown, running his fingers through his hair before murmuring, "Not that it matters. It's not like there’s anyone left for him to cause trouble for." He looked up sharply and demanded, “And it was you, wasn't it? In his office? In her flat?”
The Doctor's furious silence was all the response he needed.
"I thought so," Jack continued moving closer to his friend. "So just tell me- what do you, the Doctor, want?"
“I want her safe!” The Doctor bellowed abruptly, stalking about the room like a caged beast. He rotated on one heel and stomped over to Jack with a petulant jut to his chin. “I want her happy!”
Jack merely raised a skeptical eyebrow and the Doctor stepped closer, glaring at him in a silent challenge to disagree. After a full minute under Jack’s unrelenting scrutiny, however, the Doctor wavered in place before he stepped back and deflated visibly. “I want her back,” he finally muttered with a frown. He glanced up at Jack guiltily as he fidgeted with the sonic. “I want her back with me.”
“Is that possible?” Jack ventured, knowing the answer before he even asked.
“No,” the Doctor replied, rolling the sonic restlessly between his hands.
"Have you looked?” Jack asked gently, gaining himself a withering stare in the process. He stood back, straightening as he demanded, “Well, have you, Mister High and Mighty Time Lord, or are you just assuming?”
“Yes. Yes, of course I've looked,” the Doctor said under his breath, hanging his head and scratching at his ear in a gesture Jack found painfully familiar.
“And?”
“It won’t work, Jack," the Doctor confessed morosely, looking down at his open hands. "Every time I think I’ve found a way, there's always a catch. Whenever something did look promising, I’d investigate further and look at the timelines, and every single time, her chances of a permanent recovery were one in a hundred thousand million." He spread his fingers wide, then reflexively balled them into fists as he screwed his eyes shut. But even with his eyes closed, he could still see it- that one, perfect day when all the stars aligned and all was right with the universe and Donna Noble remembered; remembered him, remembered the TARDIS, remembered everything. He opened his eyes slowly and shook head, looking over to Jack. “She promised me forever, Jack, but it’s too dangerous. I won’t risk her life.”
"I'm sorry, Doctor,” Jack said quietly. "I didn't realize until later how close the two of you were."
The Doctor gave a noncommittal shrug and looked back at his hands. His lips twitched once and Jack had to strain to hear the words he spoke then. "I used to be a Martian, did you know?" he said wistfully.
"Doc,” Jack risked asking, "have you watched them together?" He saw the Doctor flinch slightly, but otherwise, he remained immobile. Jack was sure, however, that he was listening and decided to forge ahead. “Because I have. And you may not want to hear this, but he’s good for her. She’s happy. They’re happy together.” The Doctor's face remained impassive but he swallow hard as Jack continued. “I dunno what it is, but they look like a couple.”
The Doctor suddenly flared to life with a snarl. “She’s only reacting to that man in that manner because somehow, she remembers me!” He stuffed his sonic screwdriver into his jacket pocket and leaned heavily against the console, acting as though he were reading the figures displayed there.
“So, you two were like that, then?” Jack persisted, disbelief etched in his voice. He followed the Doctor as he sidestepped around the console, throwing random switches and pretending to peer at gages. When it was obvious that the Time Lord had no intention of responding, Jack tried another approach.
“OK, Doc" he pointed out conversationally, "you never answered my question. Tell me. Are the stories true?” The Doctor paused in his retreat around the controls with an air of confusion and Jack suppressed a smile: despite the fact that they were in a round chamber, he had him cornered.
"Can Time Lords control their regenerations? Determine their appearance at will?” he asked casually. The Doctor’s eyes narrowed as he scratched his chin in thought. "After all, my friend has changed on me twice now,” Jack prodded. "I think I’ve earned the right to know."
With an abrupt burst of energy, the Doctor rebooted into professorial mode. "Well, yes and no,” he drawled pedantically. "The older one gets, the easier it is to make ... suggestions?” he began, warming to the topic. "But some Time Lords were extraordinarily gifted in that area from the start. My friend the Corsair, for instance- always had a tattoo that served to identify him, or her, as the case may be.” Jack’s eyes widened slightly in surprise as he considered the implications.
"I remember waking up in jail one time,” the Doctor continued, veering off-topic as his delivery gained in speed and he reeled around the room. "Somehow, we'd started the night with a friendly drink at a tavern, not too far from here in the Spring of 1687, and the next thing I know, we're waking up in a jail cell some time late next year after having been found singing “Tubthumping” at the top of our lungs in the main vault of the Bank of England.” He slid smoothly across the glass floor to stop in front of Jack, his voice dropping to conspiratorial levels. "We had a hell of a time making bail, let me tell you. I think our rendition of “Danny Boy’ whilst in custody may have adversely affected-"
“Doctor,” Jack interrupted reluctantly, “as fascinating as all this is, can we get back to the point?"
“Point?” the Doctor said, blinking. "Ah, yes, well - not to put too fine a point on it, but yes.” He shook his head and began to pontificate once more.
"Yes, we can control our appearance, with varying degrees of success. It depends upon the circumstances of the regeneration, of course, and the more violent ones are generally pot luck, but sometimes,” he paused for emphasis and to suck in a breath. “Sometimes, a face from your travels sticks with you, or a feature you particularly fancy pops into your head, and sometimes, rarely, it's someone you will meet, in the future, but generally, in my case, it's in response to what I felt I needed the last time or what I feel I’m going to need on the next go around.” He ended with a flourish of hands as he gestured at himself, then straightened abruptly to study Jack’s reaction.
“And I’d say your last regeneration was violent, if I had to guess,” Jack mused, pursuing his lips and looking about the TARDIS.
“A bit, yes,” the Doctor admitted hesitantly.
"That explains it, then," Jack muttered.
"Explains what?” the Doctor asked.
“Hey, Doc, you regenerated in here,” Jack said, indicating the room with a sweep of his hand. “And I think the destruction you obviously caused was on purpose.”
“Are you mad?” the Doctor protested. “The TARDIS is my home! Why would I ever-“
“Well, when you went from big ears to big hair, you controlled it a lot better,” Jack pointed out. “But that time, you changed so you could stick around. You had Rose to live for. Not this last time, though.” Jack said, sitting down on the stairs leading beyond the control room. “This time, it looks like you wanted to obliterate anything that had a connection to your old life. You wanted to erase everything that would remind you of what you had and lost,” Jack pronounced darkly.
He sniffed once and twisted around to look down the corridor behind him. “Is my room still down there? Is hers?” he asked, purposefully leaving the question ambiguous.
“I’m afraid I’m not following you, Jack,” the Doctor said guardedly.
"Well, I always thought, you know, that your last body…” he explained, waving awkwardly as he decided how to respond. He gave up on diplomacy with a shrug and blurted out, “Well, I just assumed it was for Rose, yeah?” The Doctor cocked his head to the side with a puzzled frown as Jack barreled on.
"And I always thought that was a bit of a waste, seeing how much she loved you with a bad attitude, big ears, and leather.” Jack nodded slowly, looking over the Doctor’s shoulder and into the past as the pieces fell into place.
“But now I get it. That body, it wasn't for Rose. I mean, not really, was it?” He focused on the Doctor’s face and leaned back, reclining on the stairs with a slightly lascivious smirk. "I mean, yeah, she appreciated it. Hell, I appreciated it. Every sentient being with sensory organs and a libido appreciated it, but that's not what it was for, was it?"
The Doctor refused to meet Jack's eyes as he fumbled with his bow tie. "I’m sure I don't know what you mean, Captain,” he said stiffly and, for Jack, that sealed it. The Doctor only used his title when he wanted distance, Jack knew, and he realized his remarks must have been cutting a bit too close to the bone.
"Hey, I know I hurt Donna's feelings that first time on the TARDIS when I didn't hug her,” Jack confessed, standing and stretching, "but I'd gotten tired of you warning me off your companions.” He walked slowly around the Time Rotor, spreading his arms wide as he stopped before the Doctor. "And after I saw how you were when Donna was trapped in the TARDIS and you thought she was gone? You begged a Dalek to let you die in her place, man, with Rose right there beside you!”
Jack took a step back and turned on the spot, letting his coat flare out around him. He spun dramatically back to the Doctor as he thrust his hands into his coat pockets, stalking back to where the Time Lord stood with a hooded expression. "Well, I tried to tell myself it was because you'd do that for any companion or that you’d rather die in the TARDIS alone than be trapped somewhere for the rest of your days without the old girl... but the desolation in your eyes?" He continued his relentless pursuit as the Doctor made for the controls again, but Jack was there, interspersing himself between the Time Lord and the console for his closing argument.
“What I'm saying is that you didn't change for Rose, did you? You thought you did, at the time, but it wasn't Rose. Absorbing all that Time Vortex energy from the Bad Wolf and then releasing it back into the TARDIS,” he thought aloud, shaking his head. "It was a violent change and you couldn't control it. Your time sense was confused and overrun. You changed- into that body- because you saw this, but you didn’t know what this was, exactly,” Jack accused. He saw the chink in the Doctor’s armor and intensified his offensive.
“All you knew was that face, the face you saw as the Time Vortex bled away- That - Face- was the face of the man the woman you would come to love would love in return,” he asserted. Jack slowly drew himself up when the full extent of the Doctor’s loss came clear. "You changed into that face,” he breathed, "because you knew that was the face the woman you would love would want to spend forever with. And naturally, at the time, you assumed that woman was going to be Rose. But it wasn't, was it?"
"Stop it, Jack," the Doctor warned, his face pale as he leaned over the controls and gripped the edge of the console with white-knuckled hands. "Stop it this instant." But Jack was on a roll and there was no stopping him.
"I know you can’t really see your own timeline, but in the turmoil, you caught glimpses, impressions, emotions that bled over from your future, and you thought they came from Rose, standing right there, but they weren’t. But how could you know? You hadn’t even met her yet,” Jack reasoned as he thought aloud. “But when you changed, you felt those emotions and you heard forever and you mistook what you saw for your future together with Rose. But what you really saw was Donna’s future with …” Jack’s eyes widened in sudden understanding.
“You really did think you loved Rose and she was going to be your forever. And then she was gone, you thought forever, and you never believed you’d love anyone again anyway. I get that. But by the time you worked out that you’d fallen in love with Donna, you couldn’t tell her. You thought you’d blown it with all your “just mates” blarney.” Jack was swept away by the force of his logic and in his mania, he missed the Doctor’s stricken expression.
“And then when you heard her tell Martha she was going to travel with you forever, you must have been so happy. You must have been so sure you’d be able to make her know how you felt eventually and that she was going to be able to give you at least her version of forever." Jack stopped short when the Doctor’s head jerked around in alarm.
“What?” Jack said defensively. “You think you never came up in conversation when Martha and I went out for a coffee? Especially after we found out what happened to Donna?” The Doctor stared at him coldly before he dropped his head into his hands, and Jack risked reaching out to lay a consoling hand on the his shoulder.
“Oh, Doctor- I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry,” Jack said sincerely. “It’s a bit ironic, if you think of it,” he mused, looking up at the ceiling. “Rose and Donna; They’re both ending up with a man with that face and here you are alone with me.” He half-expected the Doctor to leap to his feet and deny everything, to protest, to rebuff him, to maybe even throw him out of the TARDIS, this time for good, and he held his breath as he waited to see which it would be. He was all but astonished when the Time Lord turned around and sat back heavily on the stairs with his hands clasped despondently between his knees.
“What do I do now, Jack?” he asked, rubbing his hand across his face. When he turned to look up, Jack was startled to see his red-rimmed eyes brim over and a single tear stain his cheek.
Jack considered his words for a long moment before he spoke. “Doc, the way I see it, you have exactly two options,” he said. “It's simple: you get her back or you let her go.” When the Doctor huffed out an ironic snort, Jack added, “You said you hadn’t found a way to fix her. Maybe we can work together-”
“No,” the Doctor interrupted, shutting down Jack’s offer. “I've looked everywhere. There's just no precedence for what’s happened to Donna.” He covered his face and spoke from behind his hands. “There are theories- mad, dangerous notions - but they're unproven and I can't risk it,” he breathed, scrubbing his face madly then threading his fingers though his hair. “I can't even ask her if I should try,” he complained.
“Well, that's a switch,” Jack said dryly before he could stop himself. “You, giving a companion an opportunity to choose?”
“What exactly are you implying, Captain?,” the Doctor retorted stiffly. “I always have the best interests of my companions at heart.”
In for a pound, thought Jack before he replied, “Their interests? Yeah, but you treat them like children, incapable of making their own decisions.” The Doctor gaped at him indignantly and as he opened his mouth to retort, Jack cut him off.
“Do you need a list?” he demanded. “I can start with Rose. Or should I begin with me?”
The Doctor closed his mouth with an audible click of teeth and had the good grace to look ashamed. Jack leaned over him and rested both hands on his shoulders.
“Doctor, if you’re sure you can’t save her, you have no choice. If you can’t make her remember, then you have to leave her,” Jack urged. He sat down heavily next to the Doctor and stared down into the darkness beneath his feet.
“She was my best mate,” the Doctor admitted and for a moment, Jack thought he heard the ghost of his friend’s previous self in his voice. “When I lost her …. I … things… I went a bit mad, Jack, without her.” He smiled grimly before he continued. “Grief does funny things to you, sometimes.” He looked up suddenly into the Captain’s eyes. “I mean, I've lost companions before ... But no one fought harder and to lose her at my own hands…”
"When you did ... what you had to do," Jack said, his eyes still on the darkness below, hyperaware of the Doctor's vulnerability, "Is that when you realized how much you loved her? As more than just a mate?" The Doctor regarded him gratefully, glad that the Captain for once had the tact and self-restraint to not indulge in the obvious joke.
"Me?” the Doctor said ruefully, shaking his head with a frown. "Love her? That was never the question.” Jack risked a sideways glance at the admission. The Doctor looked lost and forlorn and for once, Jack saw nothing but naked vulnerability in his too-private friend.
“No, Jack, that's when I saw that she loved me." He started to reach up and adjust his tie, but he arrested the gesture midway and let his hands fall limply into his lap. "I saw that she had for quite some time, but she couldn't believe that I could ever return…She thought … she believed she wasn't good enough and that I...," he choked out, deeply ashamed at his display of weakness.
He took a deep, shuddering breath and closed his eyes to focus on his breathing. ”But she was prepared to stay anyway, Jack. She was content just traveling with me. She had no expectations, but she would have stayed with me for the rest of her life, and she would have been happy. We could have gone on forever, just as friends and nothing more, and she would have been happy,” he said in a broken, hollow voice. "And knowing that now? Knowing how she felt, about herself and about me?” He looked up at Jack imploringly. “What’s that Earth saying, Captain? While there's life, there's hope?”
“Peter Carlisle is helping her put her life back together, and he’s helping her build context for those memories that have been leaking through since she got back,” Jack said urgently. “It's what destroyed her marriage to Shaun.”
“And Donna wanted children,” the Doctor revealed, going on as if he’d never heard a word the Captain had said. "She never said, but I could tell. Just another thing she was prepared to give up to stay with me, Jack, and it started me thinking."
Jack shook his head in frustration and twisted around, reaching for his friend’s hand. “Doc, you have to own up to facts. You can’t fix what happened. You lost her,” he said.
"I thought it would be fun to see which me any children of hers would resemble,” the Doctor murmured. He drew in a deep breath and affected a jaunty air and a false smile. "Now I know.” He couldn’t maintain the facade for long, though, and another tear streaked down his face. He wiped it away and looked off into space. "Maybe one of them will be ginger,” he added in a whisper and Jack’s heart broke anew.
“Donna’s gone to you,” Jack pronounced, hating the finality of the situation. "If you love her, you’ll let her go.”
The Doctor swallowed past the lump that had unaccountably formed in his throat. “Will that make it go away, Jack? The pain?” he wanted to know.
“No,” Jack confessed. “No, only time can do that.”
The Doctor gave an ironic snort and a wry smile graced his lips before his face fell again.
“How can you stand it, Jack? Human emotion?” the Doctor asked without looking at him.
“Eternity is a long, lonely time without love, Doctor,” Jack replied, remembering morning lie ins and seemingly-endless mugs of perfect coffee with a melancholy smile. “You can try doing what I do. Hold tight to the memories and cherish what you had. If you’re lucky, you’ll find another hand to hold. But just know that even if you do, it will never feel the same again.”
Part 1 | Part 5 | Part 10 | Part 15 | Part 20.1 | Part 25 | Part 30 | Part 35.1 | Part 40