the feeling of deception
hmmm haven't done this in a while
for some reason i haven't deleted this thing
idk why though...hmmmm i kinda like having it around
hmmk so life so far is...interesting....stressful...dreadful..and
becoming utterly pointless to me
so much pressure lately
i'm becoming so...idk depressed..idk if that's the word
but everything is becoming so pointless to me
it's like i'm doing all this for what??
i'm just going to end up dying..matter of fact..why don't i get a head start and just kill myself..ugh it's so lonely..i was thinking about suicide earlier
but then that feeling came..that feeling of if i kill myself i'll be missing out on something or like life will change and i won't be here to experience it or that maybe things will change..but then i start thinking about how i'm not good enough for anything and how everyone just seems so much better than me or the way i just can't seem to trust anyone or the evil secret that keeps haunting me but i can't bring myself to open up or that i have a problem and idk how to make it stop or that no matter what i do or how hard i try..it seems like i'm just always going to end up alone. i'm getting so tired of waiting...for what..i have no idea. just for one day i want to wake up and experience life...i can't even express how i feel. something happened this wk...it really hurt me and no matter how much i try to forget it and brush it off it still keeps nagging me and making me so sad but ugh hopefully it'll pass. i've also started this new method of not crying because whenever i was angry i'd cry because i didn't know how else to express my anger except kill someone and that wasn't going to get me anywhere and so i'd cry which made me feel so weak and stupid and i'd hate it, so anyway, i'm on the no crying challenge but it's taking a tole on me because now i want to cry about every little thing...BUT i'm holding strong and hopefully i don't explode one of these days. haha wow i think this is the longest update i've ever written.
for some reason i haven't deleted this thing
idk why though...hmmmm i kinda like having it around
hmmk so life so far is...interesting....stressful...dreadful..and
becoming utterly pointless to me
so much pressure lately
i'm becoming so...idk depressed..idk if that's the word
but everything is becoming so pointless to me
it's like i'm doing all this for what??
i'm just going to end up dying..matter of fact..why don't i get a head start and just kill myself..ugh it's so lonely..i was thinking about suicide earlier
but then that feeling came..that feeling of if i kill myself i'll be missing out on something or like life will change and i won't be here to experience it or that maybe things will change..but then i start thinking about how i'm not good enough for anything and how everyone just seems so much better than me or the way i just can't seem to trust anyone or the evil secret that keeps haunting me but i can't bring myself to open up or that i have a problem and idk how to make it stop or that no matter what i do or how hard i try..it seems like i'm just always going to end up alone. i'm getting so tired of waiting...for what..i have no idea. just for one day i want to wake up and experience life...i can't even express how i feel. something happened this wk...it really hurt me and no matter how much i try to forget it and brush it off it still keeps nagging me and making me so sad but ugh hopefully it'll pass. i've also started this new method of not crying because whenever i was angry i'd cry because i didn't know how else to express my anger except kill someone and that wasn't going to get me anywhere and so i'd cry which made me feel so weak and stupid and i'd hate it, so anyway, i'm on the no crying challenge but it's taking a tole on me because now i want to cry about every little thing...BUT i'm holding strong and hopefully i don't explode one of these days. haha wow i think this is the longest update i've ever written.