So Sorry - A One Tree Hill Fanfic {Leyton}
Disclaimer: I do not own One Tree Hill or it's characters.
We're so helpless
We're slaves to our impulses
We're afraid of our emotions
And no one knows where the shore is
We're divided by the ocean
“Hey babe?” Peyton called out from the couch in the living room.
Lucas turned off the water and picked up the dishtowel. He dried his hands as he walked out of the kitchen.
“Yeah?”
Peyton looked up at him and smiled sweetly, “Can you get me my slippers?”
Lucas smirked. As much as Peyton loved her independence, he knew she adored when he waited on her. She had once confessed that it made her feel safe knowing that he was always around. Lucas knew better than anyone how lonely she had felt in highschool and how she had to learn how to take care of herself from an early age. It made his heart swell at the thought that she trusted him enough to take care of her.
Lucas leaned forward and lightly caressed her cheek “Sure.”
Peyton smiled brilliantly, “Thanks Luke,” then turned back to the television.
----
Lucas looked around the floor in their bedroom but the bunny slippers were nowhere to be found. He lowered himself to the floor and looked underneath the bed.
‘Ha’ he thought when he felt the plush material beneath his fingertips.
As he went to pull them out, his hand brushed against something large and solid. Taking another look underneath the bed, he saw that the large object was in fact a box. Lucas pulled out the large, round box and looked at it curiously. He debated whether or not to open it since it was probably Peyton’s and he knew how she was about her privacy. In the end, his curiosity won out and he slowly lifted the lid.
Lucas smiled as he saw many different momentos of their past. The CDs she had produced in high school, the picture of Ellie holding her as a baby and her drawings were just some of the items in the box. With a strange feeling of deja vu, Lucas pulled out the stack of drawings and sifted through them. Some were familiar, while others were obviously new. There was one depicting the moment they had met when her Comet broke down; the beginning of their tragic and epic love story. His heart clenched as he looked on to the next drawing. It was of the day of the shooting, when they had hid out in the library together and she had kissed him. Lucas quickly passed by the drawing because he hated to remember the day when he lost Keith and had almost lost Peyton.
A smile broke on his face when he looked at the next one. It was of that fateful basketball game where he had realized that she would always be the one he wanted next to him when his dreams came true. He chuckled as he realized that as long as Peyton was by his side, his dreams would already be reality because she was what he dreamt about. Lucas continued smiling as he placed the drawing back with the others. The next drawing was of the night they had finally gotten engaged. His smiled faded, however, when he noticed the writing at the bottom of the paper.
‘Love, Mom.’
It took Lucas a moment to realize that this box filled with their memories was meant for the baby in Peyton’s womb.
The baby that had been both a blessing and a curse.
Lucas pinched the bridge of his nose and clenched his eyes shut at the sudden rush of emotions. Moisture began to build behind his lashes as the realization hit him.
Peyton didn’t believe that she would survive the pregnancy.
“Luke? Did you find them?” He was brought back from his thoughts at the sound of his fiancé's voice.
His fiancé.
Lucas moaned in pain as he thought about how they had only had a few happy months together and already the universe was conspiring against them.
“Luke?”
Lucas looked up from the floor to see Peyton standing in the doorway to their bedroom. Even with thousands of thoughts running through his mind, he couldn't help but think how beautiful she was. The low lighting behind her created a halo effect around her body. Her hair was a little frizzy like she had just woken up and the silk robe that framed her pregnant body, was like a second skin. He was violently taken from his thoughts as he focused on her belly and remembered why he was in such pain.
Lucas looked down at the box and then back up at Peyton, who by now had a worried look on her face.
“What is this?” Lucas asked.
He noticed how her hands unconsciously slid to her swollen belly.
“It’s a memory box...for the baby” she said.
Even though Lucas already knew the answer to his next question, he wanted to hear it from her lips.
“Why did you make this?”
Peyton bit her lower lip before answering, “Just in case something goes wrong, I want the baby to have something to remember me by.”
Peyton jumped slightly when Lucas abruptly stood from the floor, causing the contents of the box to crash to the floor.
Lucas felt his body go hot and cold at the same time. Hot from his anger and cold from the fear that settled deep into his bones.
“Just in case you die” he stated.
Peyton looked at him sadly as she remained silent. She moved closer to him and placed a hand on his cheek.
“We've talked about this. It’s okay Luke. I’m okay with this.”
Lucas laughed without humor, “You’re okay with this. What about me Peyton? How am I supposed to be okay with this?”
He knew that they had this argument countless times already, but he just couldn’t stop himself from starting it once again. Especially not after he just discovered the memory box.
Lucas moved away from her touch as it sunk into his brain that he was actually going to lose her. This wasn’t something he could save her from and that terrified him. He had never felt so powerless in his life. On some level, she didn’t believe she was going to make it, despite all of her past reassurances.
Peyton patiently watched him as he paced the room. He then suddenly faced her with a determined look on his face.
“Okay. Tomorrow we’re going to the doctor. You are not going to have this baby.”
Peyton recoiled as if he had struck her but she quickly composed herself.
“No” she simply said, with a quiet resolution he had never seen before.
‘So this is what a mother protecting her young looks like’ he thought.
She was not going to let any harm come to the unborn child in her belly and Lucas knew that. There was nothing he could do to change her mind.
“Dammit Peyton” he yelled out in frustration before quickly adding “I have to go.”
Lucas could see the tears forming in her eyes but he couldn’t stay in that room. It felt like the air was being sucked out and he was being suffocated. Lucas quickly left before Peyton could even call out his name.
---
Lucas stood outside of his home in the dark. He had been walking around Tree Hill for the past two hours and was physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted. Checking his watch, he realized that it was five minutes past midnight and groaned. Two hours ago, he had stormed out of the house to get some air, leaving his pregnant fiancé alone. Lucas had never felt guiltier.
He slowly opened his front door, not wanting to wake Peyton up in case she was asleep. The soft sounds of her breathing greeted him as he stood in the open doorway of their bedroom. The sight of her sleeping form triggered a memory. It was of the day Peyton told him she was pregnant and how he rushed home to be with her. How he wished he could turn back the clock and go back to that happier time when his thoughts were filled with little girls that had Peyton’s smile and little boys that had his nose. Instead, his thoughts were filled with fear and pain of the thought of losing the woman he loved with his entire flawed heart. Just looking at Peyton now was too much for him to bear when he knew that any moment could be the last he had with her.
Lucas sighed tiredly and ran a hand over his face. He walked away from the bedroom, and without meaning to, walked right into the nursery. The moon was shining so brightly in the room, that he didn’t bother to turn on the light. He made his way to the rocking chair and sat down slowly. It suddenly felt like he had aged fifty years. Lucas placed his head in his hands and remained that way until he heard a soft voice speak to him.
“You’re home” Peyton whispered into the moonlit room. Lucas could hear the obvious relief in her voice. She had probably been so worried about him. It amazed him that even when her own life was hanging in the balance, she would always worry about his well being. When he saw the look of absolute love and devotion on Peyton’s face, the thin and fragile strings holding his heart together snapped and he let out a moan of complete anguish.
Within seconds, Lucas felt Peyton hold his head to her body and softly caress his hair. At the display of such tenderness, Lucas clutched her as tightly as her belly would allow.
“Shhhh” Peyton cooed, as she continued to stroke his hair.
After what seemed like an eternity, Lucas’ sobs quieted and he lifted his head to meet her eyes.
“I'm so sorry Peyton. I shouldn't have left like that."
"It's okay Luke. You needed time to be alone. I know how that feels."
Lucas brought her hand to his lips and gently kissed her knuckles.
"I can’t lose you Peyton,” he said through his tears, “I meant what I said back in Las Vegas. I want to be selfish with you."
His body shook with silent sobs, "When I think about all that time we had been apart and how I just got you back. I just...I ...I can’t lose you Peyt.”
Peyton smiled softly down at him and gently wiped the tears from his cheeks.
“And you’re not going to. Everything will be alright Luke. I can feel it in my soul.” Peyton trailed a hand down his face "Trust me."
She then leaned down to place a tender kiss on his lips, which he returned.
"Come on," Peyton lightly tugged at his hand, "let's go to bed."
---
As they lay in bed, Lucas could feel the soft movement of her body against his as she slept. Even though it felt like a small weight had been lifted off his shoulders, he still couldn’t sleep. And he probably wouldn’t be getting much sleep for the rest of the pregnancy. Without even realizing it, Lucas had slid his hand to rest on Peyton’s protruding bump and his entire body froze when he felt the tiny kick against his palm. He remembered when Peyton had told him that loving the baby didn't mean he didn't love her but he still couldn't do it. It shamed him that he still couldn’t fully love this baby because of the threat it posed to the woman he loved. But even then, in that one moment, he felt his adoration for the child grow a tiny bit. He knew it would probably take him a long time before he could love this baby without feeling any guilt.
When Lucas felt another soft kick against his hand, Nathan's words sounded in his head.
"Child birth is the ordinary miracle. You can't believe it happens everyday."
So as Lucas closed his eyes and held Peyton tightly, he prayed that he would get his own miracle. That Peyton and the baby would be alright and that they would finally get their happy ending.
We don't need to say goodbye
We don't need to fight and cry
Oh we, we could hold each other tight tonight
Let me know what you think!!
Title is named after "So Sorry" by Feist