until the truth becomes a lie, until you change, until you deny, until you believe
on the bus today i had some kind of revelation. okay, so maybe not a revelation exactly, but something similar. with my book in my lap i realised that whenever i need to do things, have to do things, something inside me resists. this is not something that brings me joy, clearly, but rather makes me feel frustrated and sad. the road i walk when i resist and resist more and maybe if i'd resist some more it'll magically solve things? is never positve. whenever i instead fully throw myself into what it is i have to do it's rarely as bad as my mind makes it out to be beforehand. and more importantly, if i accept what i'm doing and need to do, i can ususally even glean enjoyment from it.
so the point is, i should stop resisting.
which is not the same as saying i should be accepting. yes, it's possible that it's a better way to say it - it's a positive way, but it's not the way that pushes my button. and i'm taking what i can get in terms of happiness and personal solutions.
so i sat and smiled and listened to jimmy eat world and jim sang if i don't let myself be happy now, then when? if not now, when?, which felt like confirmation to my thoughts. i'm stuck inside this institution for a little over two years more, while i'm there i'm going to be happy. i can be happy even caged. it's not a real cage if i want to be there.
and i swung my leg and read
The scrub might have been low and wizened and the stones badly weathered, but after every shower of rain they all shone; they stood up new and fresh, as though they'd only moments ago heaved themselves from the skin of the earth.
- Breath, Tim Winton.
and for some reason loved it.
so the point is, i should stop resisting.
which is not the same as saying i should be accepting. yes, it's possible that it's a better way to say it - it's a positive way, but it's not the way that pushes my button. and i'm taking what i can get in terms of happiness and personal solutions.
so i sat and smiled and listened to jimmy eat world and jim sang if i don't let myself be happy now, then when? if not now, when?, which felt like confirmation to my thoughts. i'm stuck inside this institution for a little over two years more, while i'm there i'm going to be happy. i can be happy even caged. it's not a real cage if i want to be there.
and i swung my leg and read
The scrub might have been low and wizened and the stones badly weathered, but after every shower of rain they all shone; they stood up new and fresh, as though they'd only moments ago heaved themselves from the skin of the earth.
- Breath, Tim Winton.
and for some reason loved it.