sounding board (and nothing else)
You know, it must not seem like it on here, because here is generally where I go when I absolutely have to blow off steam or to sulk, it's what I do when I'm overwhelmed, but if you know me, I really don't complain much. For a guy with pretty chronic depression and a lot of serious health, social, and financial problems with absolutely no foreseeable future left and no hope left for myself, I don't lean on people often, friends or otherwise. I mostly deal with these things internally, along with day-to-day issues. I keep my problems to myself. I try not to be weak. I try not to whine. Nobody likes a whiner, nobody wants to hear me bitch about my problems, and I damn well know it because I've lost friends that way, so I don't burden people, don't irritate them, and don't drive them away. I internalize, and once in a while, I write it down here. Nobody really knows how absolutely terrified I am that one day I might not be mentally distracted enough that I'd actually be left alone for sixty minutes with my own thoughts, or how hard I work at managing my time to prevent such an emotionally disastrous scenario.
On the other side of the coin, typically I'm a pretty good listener. I'm not always perfect at sympathy, but I try hard, and I do empathize strongly. I'm also usually pretty good at understanding people. Most people tend to naturally trust me, for whatever reason, and I'm alright with that. Even pleased by it. Most of my friends come to me if they need to vent, or if they want advice, and typically I don't mind; in fact, really, I'm happy to help. I like to help, I like to be there. I want for my friends to be happy. If I don't have the time, I make time. Once in a while it gets a little trying, but if so, I don't give in to that urge to close down or make myself unavailable. Instead, I just do my best not to let on. No matter what pressures I might have going on in my life, or how physically tired I might be at the moment, or how exasperated I may feel overall, I never make my friends feel like coming to me is a burden, even if it actually is. Even though sometimes I feel like fucking Atlas. A lot of the time I lend an ear to the same problems over and over, or offer advice that gets ignored, only to then listen to and help deal with the fallout. I consider all this part of being a good friend.
And I don't really care if this sounds immodest and self serving, because it's fucking true. I don't know exactly why it is, but it is: everybody comes to me with their problems, and I like to be able to help in whatever way that I can.
So in the incredibly rare event that I have something that I'm stressed about, and I try and turn to a friend to vent, just for two goddamn minutes, not even about something huge, not even to get help or advice, but just to vent for two goddamned minutes, it would be nice to actually be heard instead of turned away midsentence because there's some more important routine, day-to-day bullshit to attend to.
I guess I shouldn't forget my place. Should always remember my role, to give but never to take, and to know where it is I really stand.
I don't want to hear even one word about this. I don't want anybody's charity, and I sure as hell don't want to vent anymore. I'll take it somewhere else, or I will internalize.
On the other side of the coin, typically I'm a pretty good listener. I'm not always perfect at sympathy, but I try hard, and I do empathize strongly. I'm also usually pretty good at understanding people. Most people tend to naturally trust me, for whatever reason, and I'm alright with that. Even pleased by it. Most of my friends come to me if they need to vent, or if they want advice, and typically I don't mind; in fact, really, I'm happy to help. I like to help, I like to be there. I want for my friends to be happy. If I don't have the time, I make time. Once in a while it gets a little trying, but if so, I don't give in to that urge to close down or make myself unavailable. Instead, I just do my best not to let on. No matter what pressures I might have going on in my life, or how physically tired I might be at the moment, or how exasperated I may feel overall, I never make my friends feel like coming to me is a burden, even if it actually is. Even though sometimes I feel like fucking Atlas. A lot of the time I lend an ear to the same problems over and over, or offer advice that gets ignored, only to then listen to and help deal with the fallout. I consider all this part of being a good friend.
And I don't really care if this sounds immodest and self serving, because it's fucking true. I don't know exactly why it is, but it is: everybody comes to me with their problems, and I like to be able to help in whatever way that I can.
So in the incredibly rare event that I have something that I'm stressed about, and I try and turn to a friend to vent, just for two goddamn minutes, not even about something huge, not even to get help or advice, but just to vent for two goddamned minutes, it would be nice to actually be heard instead of turned away midsentence because there's some more important routine, day-to-day bullshit to attend to.
I guess I shouldn't forget my place. Should always remember my role, to give but never to take, and to know where it is I really stand.
I don't want to hear even one word about this. I don't want anybody's charity, and I sure as hell don't want to vent anymore. I'll take it somewhere else, or I will internalize.