(Untitled)

[drunkenmusician]

So I was going to post some stuff on fictionpress, but I can't decide what genre they are. So I'm slapping them up here in a cut. Feel free to read them and let me know what you think. Or feel free not to. Whatever floats your boat.

I Will Be Home Then

The hand holding the letter began to shake. With a cry, Colleen fell to the floor

Comments

[thatswhthesaid]

I Will Be Home Then
1. Apropos of nothing: Soldiers are hot.
2. Real critism:
I L-O-V-E this story. From concept to cinematic completion, this story pretty much rocks my striped socks off.

The only real complaint I can find would be the shortness. I really wish there was more in the middle; I dislike how the "all but forgotten" bit kind of simply sums up the loss of Alexander and the removal of his son from her existence. I would like something more of a nod back to the former life. If only something like "She thought of Alexander's son each time she bore a daughter" (not that tacky wording, obviously, but that general feeling of not forgetting, but pretending you have, you know?)
Also, I think making it more obvious that the tree was in the yard would be a tad more helpful.

Sailing Through the PinesI believe I read this when it was still titled "Rudolph

[drunkenmusician]

I agree with you on the first one. I always kind of felt like it's too short, but I'm just not sure how to extend it, and to keep that extension from being cheesey and lame. Although I think it's so short that it's almost cheesey already. Personally, I didn't imagine the tree being in their yard, exactly. I thought of them kind of walking home on a long country road, and there's a tree just half-way home or something. Maybe a few hundred yards from the house. I think somebody else told me that about the tree though, before, I just have to figure out how to make the tree-placement more specific

[thatswhthesaid]

I know what you mean about the whole knowing you need lenght but not really sure how to add it thing. It's difficult. Usually I just leave something, and wait until I can't sleep, then I've got a billion ideas for it...then you can add something to it? I dunno. And yeah, the tree is still a little confusing...

Props for Spoon River. I need to actually sit down and read the whole thing--that's public domain by this point, yeah? -scuttles over to Project Gutenberg-

I know what you're saying, alot of times I just stop when I get sick of something. Then I forget what I was thinking of doing, so I've got a really fun four pages of...plot-less dribble. Just don't abandon the story. Keep poking it with a stick until it breathes something halfway worthwile.

[drunkenmusician]

Yeah. I just have to wait a while until I can stand it again.

And yeah, Spoon River's public domain. http://www.bartleby.com/84/index1.html

[thatswhthesaid]

Nice. -le click-

This comment is an excuse to use another icon. :D

[drunkenmusician]

I do like your icons. XD

And your layout. I want one.

[thatswhthesaid]

Why thank you~

I got the layout from someone in http://community.livejournal.com/freelayouts/profile
they usually post the code to for it too, so you don't have do the whole "GLOBAL HEAD JUNK JUNK SPAN A CONFUSED" Yeah.

[thatswhthesaid]

Also, I like that the boys aren't like...suppppppper hot. They're just like...guys you know and go to school with but yet somehow cannot quite date even though they're not superstars. (They might be from a band. I dunno...I don't really care. I just like gay boys.)

[drunkenmusician]

Was it really clear what time I Will Be Home Then was in, or is it fairly ambiguous? I'm thinking it's pretty vague, but I'm not sure. Also, did you catch that nod to Titus in there? I forgot it was there, and it's pretty cheesy, but it's Titus so it's staying...

[thatswhthesaid]

I was assuming it was like...WWI/WWIIish? Like, Alexander Sr. was in WWI, and Alexander Jr. wanted to see his mother before leaving for WWII. There's something about the choice of names and the overall feel of that way you write that makes me think all of your stories are 1920s-1950s era. I see it all happening in sepia-tone film with those little white scratches and sunspots scrolling over the screen.

"It is so soaked with your tears, it cannot dry mine.” Is a reference to Titus's line:
"Thy napkin cannot drink a tear of mine,
For thou, poor man, hast drown'd it with thine own."

I adore this play; it's like a Greek "catharsis" play on steroids. Poor Lavinia breaks my heart. Actually, I have a cousin named Levinia, (its some kind of family name)...but I can't be happy around her. It's just too sad.

I'm not sure if it's too cheesy, because when someone dies close to you dies you get license to be cheesy and tacky and emo. It's just the laws of the emotional universe. And, I don't think most people would even know where it came

[drunkenmusician]

Actually, I was thinking Civil War, but I think I might like WWI/II better.

[thatswhthesaid]

Duuuuuuur. Now I feel dumb. I see the CivWar now.