(no subject)
The human brain is a strange thing. I've posted things about strange dreams before, but these are almost unbearable.
I know what the truth is, and that she is gone.
That does not stop my brain from coming up with ridiculous scenarios that explain away a need to "stage her own death."
This is the constant subject of my recent dreams.
The most recent dream involved a long back story, and her entrance into the witness protection program.
In the dream, everyone she knew had to believe that she was gone so that she would be protected.
I searched and searched for her all night long, and she's always behind the next door.
Usually these dreams will go on until I wake up with absolutely no closure.
Like watching a movie and never viewing the end, But with one thousand times more emotion packed into every second.
Except recently.
Last night it ended with her driving up to her old house in a yellow beetle.
The program had done it's job, and she was free to go.
There is no way to describe how happy I was to see her.
She seemed equally as happy to see me and I squeezed her tight and kissed her face.
But there was something wrong with her skin. It was cold, hard and felt like porcelain.
It felt just as real in my dream as it did when I held her hand as she lay in her casket.
I can't stand these dreams, but maybe they are necessary for me to be able to get on with life eventually.
I would like to experience a positive dream with good memories instead of bad ones, but those never work out.
I guess there's no way to get rid of the pain you feel when someone so close to you dies, and I wouldn't really want to I suppose.
Drugs help a little though.
I know what the truth is, and that she is gone.
That does not stop my brain from coming up with ridiculous scenarios that explain away a need to "stage her own death."
This is the constant subject of my recent dreams.
The most recent dream involved a long back story, and her entrance into the witness protection program.
In the dream, everyone she knew had to believe that she was gone so that she would be protected.
I searched and searched for her all night long, and she's always behind the next door.
Usually these dreams will go on until I wake up with absolutely no closure.
Like watching a movie and never viewing the end, But with one thousand times more emotion packed into every second.
Except recently.
Last night it ended with her driving up to her old house in a yellow beetle.
The program had done it's job, and she was free to go.
There is no way to describe how happy I was to see her.
She seemed equally as happy to see me and I squeezed her tight and kissed her face.
But there was something wrong with her skin. It was cold, hard and felt like porcelain.
It felt just as real in my dream as it did when I held her hand as she lay in her casket.
I can't stand these dreams, but maybe they are necessary for me to be able to get on with life eventually.
I would like to experience a positive dream with good memories instead of bad ones, but those never work out.
I guess there's no way to get rid of the pain you feel when someone so close to you dies, and I wouldn't really want to I suppose.
Drugs help a little though.