as vain as i allow
for some silly reason i was looking forward to thanksgiving this year. most likely because i've been working consistently, and i want a day of food and festivities. there was an also an added bonus because we switched up the formula this year. grandma didn't join us, so mom and dad decided to try a recipe for an award winning turkey that called for a bunch of pepper, cumin, and three heads of garlic. it was potent, and delicious. i don't usually stuff myself at thanksgiving because its typically not my favorite kind of food, but this time i couldn't even finish my slice of pumpkin pie at the end of the meal.
so of course with my new found excitement for the holiday, i had to turn it into a typical holiday drama, straight from primetime tv. it even started with a conversation about such, where mom was telling about how on the recent episode of trauma, a gay character talked about his desires to come out to his family which always seem to surface around the holiday when they get together. which got me off on a thing about how heteronormativity in media and tv bothers me, and gay people in our everyday lives, and it became impossible to continue the conversation without just saying i'm bi. not something i was planning on doing, not ever in fact. i figured they'd find out when i brought home a girl home one day, which in the back of mind i knew was cruel. maybe i really was afraid of their reaction, or maybe i do just view it as no big deal. i think its more like i didn't want to come out without evidence to back it up, which i don't have now; or the ability to hold to my convictions without sounding like a whiny 14 year old. i expected them to tell me that i should be more discrete, and i thought i was prepared to say no, i want to live my life honestly and openly, but i apparently am not. and i'm not going to lie, it feels kind of weird to try to put my foot down on that when my bedroom is still next to theirs. i'm not living independently yet, so who am i to draw a hard line on something that may effect them? i even found myself saying "well i'm not that young anymore" when mom started with "well a lot of young girls..." i'm a little upset about how things went, but i was kind of upset about admitting it to myself even. i didn't like to think of myself as not normal, so how can i blame them for it? but i got used to it, and while i'm still not thrilled with having to label myself as an "other," i like this identity, it sits easier on me than the old one. maybe it'll do the same for them. but more than that i just wanted them to know that while i am not gay, gayness is part of who i am and what i'm interested in and the way i look at the world and they ought to get used to it if they haven't felt so inclined already. so even though i didn't really want to do this now, now is better than later, and at least i don't have to wonder anymore.
so on a lighter but related note, i bought the fame monster at fye before work, and after i got home at 11:30 that night i rocked out to it for two hours. (it'll probably be the last physical cd i buy, because as it turns out my cd player doesn't work anymore, lol.) its brilliant, i love nearly every second of it. "monster" is deliciously 80s, as is "dance in the dark" though the latter is harder in the verses and softer in the chorus, which still throws me off a bit, its probably my least favorite song even though its still awesome and i even felt a little emotional towards the end of it. my favorite right now "so happy i could die." it makes me want to really learn how to dance, it combines the old 80s italo sound with a more modern hip hop vibe which is fucking amazing. and lyrically i love gaga for writing it, which i feel about "dance in the dark" too. "teeth" will probably be in next season's ads for true blood, its a pretty sexy, gritty song with a totally different sound. there's "speechless," a bowie-esque ballad, which i'm not that into because i don't like pop music for the ballads, but is still very good. and "telephone" is a raver, thrashing, move your hips until your abs are sore rock out dance track, so perfectly and thoroughly produced there is no way it won't be a huge hit. its my soundtrack right now, and when its not, adam lambert fills in the gaps.
also, in regards to popular culture, but with considerably less heft, i saw new moon with one of my coworkers on tuesday. it was pretty bad, though i can't say it was a complete waste of time because i was entertained. my butt never felt numb, and i never felt bored. but other than ogling taylor lautner, there was no real pay off, no substance, nothing to gain from it. just fluff.
next week is going to be a light workload, only fifteen freaking hours, the first week of a holiday shopping season, i don't know what these people are on. i plan on watching movies, going to the gym, and writing, as long as office team doesn't call me for anything. i'm working black friday, as well as this weekend, maybe i'll start doing deep breathing exercises to ward off a nervous breakdown. i keep on thinking about a job applied to, administrative assistant in the waterbury court house. i want it badly - 40k salary, state benefits, a normal, real fucking job. yesterday i was so on edge at work that i could see myself just walking out. maybe they'll fire me after the holidays, because i don't think anyone sees me as particularly good at my job, even the ones that like me. i'm just sick of the environment. as mad as i am at my crush for leaving me behind, i envy her more than anything. she got out, she has a plan. i never did, just some ideas, as always.
so of course with my new found excitement for the holiday, i had to turn it into a typical holiday drama, straight from primetime tv. it even started with a conversation about such, where mom was telling about how on the recent episode of trauma, a gay character talked about his desires to come out to his family which always seem to surface around the holiday when they get together. which got me off on a thing about how heteronormativity in media and tv bothers me, and gay people in our everyday lives, and it became impossible to continue the conversation without just saying i'm bi. not something i was planning on doing, not ever in fact. i figured they'd find out when i brought home a girl home one day, which in the back of mind i knew was cruel. maybe i really was afraid of their reaction, or maybe i do just view it as no big deal. i think its more like i didn't want to come out without evidence to back it up, which i don't have now; or the ability to hold to my convictions without sounding like a whiny 14 year old. i expected them to tell me that i should be more discrete, and i thought i was prepared to say no, i want to live my life honestly and openly, but i apparently am not. and i'm not going to lie, it feels kind of weird to try to put my foot down on that when my bedroom is still next to theirs. i'm not living independently yet, so who am i to draw a hard line on something that may effect them? i even found myself saying "well i'm not that young anymore" when mom started with "well a lot of young girls..." i'm a little upset about how things went, but i was kind of upset about admitting it to myself even. i didn't like to think of myself as not normal, so how can i blame them for it? but i got used to it, and while i'm still not thrilled with having to label myself as an "other," i like this identity, it sits easier on me than the old one. maybe it'll do the same for them. but more than that i just wanted them to know that while i am not gay, gayness is part of who i am and what i'm interested in and the way i look at the world and they ought to get used to it if they haven't felt so inclined already. so even though i didn't really want to do this now, now is better than later, and at least i don't have to wonder anymore.
so on a lighter but related note, i bought the fame monster at fye before work, and after i got home at 11:30 that night i rocked out to it for two hours. (it'll probably be the last physical cd i buy, because as it turns out my cd player doesn't work anymore, lol.) its brilliant, i love nearly every second of it. "monster" is deliciously 80s, as is "dance in the dark" though the latter is harder in the verses and softer in the chorus, which still throws me off a bit, its probably my least favorite song even though its still awesome and i even felt a little emotional towards the end of it. my favorite right now "so happy i could die." it makes me want to really learn how to dance, it combines the old 80s italo sound with a more modern hip hop vibe which is fucking amazing. and lyrically i love gaga for writing it, which i feel about "dance in the dark" too. "teeth" will probably be in next season's ads for true blood, its a pretty sexy, gritty song with a totally different sound. there's "speechless," a bowie-esque ballad, which i'm not that into because i don't like pop music for the ballads, but is still very good. and "telephone" is a raver, thrashing, move your hips until your abs are sore rock out dance track, so perfectly and thoroughly produced there is no way it won't be a huge hit. its my soundtrack right now, and when its not, adam lambert fills in the gaps.
also, in regards to popular culture, but with considerably less heft, i saw new moon with one of my coworkers on tuesday. it was pretty bad, though i can't say it was a complete waste of time because i was entertained. my butt never felt numb, and i never felt bored. but other than ogling taylor lautner, there was no real pay off, no substance, nothing to gain from it. just fluff.
next week is going to be a light workload, only fifteen freaking hours, the first week of a holiday shopping season, i don't know what these people are on. i plan on watching movies, going to the gym, and writing, as long as office team doesn't call me for anything. i'm working black friday, as well as this weekend, maybe i'll start doing deep breathing exercises to ward off a nervous breakdown. i keep on thinking about a job applied to, administrative assistant in the waterbury court house. i want it badly - 40k salary, state benefits, a normal, real fucking job. yesterday i was so on edge at work that i could see myself just walking out. maybe they'll fire me after the holidays, because i don't think anyone sees me as particularly good at my job, even the ones that like me. i'm just sick of the environment. as mad as i am at my crush for leaving me behind, i envy her more than anything. she got out, she has a plan. i never did, just some ideas, as always.