Took him ten days...
And on the 11th it was over. I had called Fabian a bunch of times that day, first he was asleep and I couldn't get through. Later on no one was home to answer the phone. I left a message. He called me back later that night. Only for me to have to ask if he was breaking up with me... a pause and a yeah. I made him come over to tell me to my face. It was so horrible, he was so cold to me. Saying that he didn't like me, he didn't have those feelings for me, and he no longer wanted to be with me. I'm still crushed, and when I write this I cry, and I can't fight it. You can all say it's for the best, YES he was an ass to me a lot of times. But I fucking fell in love with him. It's hard to just wash it away and pretend that I will be okay. I'm not okay and I don't want to be without him.
But I know I have to find an inner peace. I won't be pathetic, I won't call, I won't show up where I know he will be. I hate it, but I WILL let him walk away from me. I miss him SO much!!!
My birthday is in a few days, I have no cause to celebrate. I miss my sister and I wish she was here right now.
I'm going to be staying at my mom's for about a week or so. I can't be in that basement anymore. I'm looking for a new place. I need to start over. My mom is going to help me.
I haven't been eating, I slept a grand total of 8 hours in the past three days. I can't go back to "my home" there's too much there that is haunting me. I need some type of escape, and I want it to be a healthy one.
After work, I'll go back, pack my bag, go to my moms, sleep there and stay there for a while.
I have four days off this week. Thursday-Sunday. And to think I was finally going to have a real sleep over with him, but he doesn't want me...you know how much that hurts??? And I thought we were happy, I thought I was good to him, for him. He couldn't appreciate that and he couldn't feel anything for me. This is the worse pain I will ever know!!!
He gave me back my sweater, forgot about my video game. I packed this small bag, filled it with his photos, photos of us, poems I've written about him starting back when we were just dating, his pen he left at my place, the cd's he burned for me, cards that I did not yet give him, his guitar pick, a painting I made when we were hanging out, and the condoms....yes I gave them to him. So basicaly all the thing's reminding me of moments we shared went all to him..and I hope he feels something.
Here are some lyrics that I'm relating to...I was trying to actualy stay away from music, he had a huge influence on me with music, so I wanted to disregard it for a while, because it just makes me depressed, anything that relates to him and this situation...fucking pains me...
"I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And my scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel "
- Scars- Papa Roach-
"I've got another confession to make
I'm your fool
Everyone's got their chains to break
Holdin' you
Were you born to resist or be abused?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Are you gone and onto someone new?
I needed somewhere to hang my head
Without your noose
You gave me something that I didn't have
But had no use
I was too weak to give in
Too strong to lose
My heart is under arrest again
But I break loose
My head is giving me life or death
But I can't choose
I swear I'll never give in
I refuse
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
You trust, you must
Confess
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Oh...
Oh...Oh...Oh...Oh...
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
The life, the love
You die to heal
The hope that starts
The broken hearts
You trust, you must
Confess
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
I've got another confession my friend
I'm no fool
I'm getting tired of starting again
Somewhere new
Were you born to resist or be abused?
I swear I'll never give in
I refuse
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
You trust, you must
Confess
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Oh..."
-Best Of You-Foo Fighters-
"Take it back, take it all back now
The things I gave, like the taste of my kiss on your lips,
I miss that now
I can't try any harder than I do
All the reasons I gave, excuses I made for you
I'm broken in two
All the things left undiscovered
Leave me empty and left to wonder
I need you
All the things left undiscovered
Leave me waiting and left to wonder
I need you
Yeah I need you
Don't walk away
Touch me now how I wanna feel
Something so real, please remind me
My love, and take me back
Cuz I'm so in love with what we were
I'm not breathing I'm suffocating without you
Do u feel it too?
All the things left undiscovered
Leave me waiting and left to wonder
I need you
All the things left undiscovered
Leave me empty and left to wonder
I need you
Yeah I need you
When I'm in the dark and all alone
Dreaming that you'll walk right through my door,
Its then I know my heart is whole
There's a million reasons why I cry
Hold my covers tight and close my eyes
Cuz I don't wanna be alone
All the things left undiscovered
Leave me waiting and left to wonder
I need you
All the things left undiscovered
Leave me empty and left to wonder
I need you, I need you
Cuz I can't fake and I can't hate
But it's my heart
Thats about to break
You're all I need
I'm on my knees
Watch me bleed
Would you listen please
I give in
I breathe out
I want you, theres no doubt
I freak out, I'm left out
Without you, I'm without
I'm crossed out
I can't doubt
I cry out
I reach out
Don't walk away
Don't walk away
Don't walk away
Don't walk away"
-Undiscovered-Ashlee Simpson-
"
I found myself wrong again
Starin out my window
Wonderin what it is I should have said
I found myself at home again
Waitin for the after call
From a fallout that feels like such a mess
Ohhhh I can only be myself
I'm sorry that's hell for you
Heyyy so what's my damage today
Don't let me get in your way
Let it out like you always do
The trouble between me and you
Is nothing new
So I listen to you complain and then
I bite my tongue in vain again
As I let it all just slowly settle in
Such a pretty picture that you paint
I'm so vile while your a saint
Funny how your eyes see thick not thin
Ohhhh I can only be myself
Your lookin for someone else
Heyyy so what's my damage today
Don't let me get in your way
Let it out like you always do
The trouble between me and you
Is nothing new
You know how to give it but you can't take it
It's all just a waste now you can save it
No matter what I do
Is never good enough, never good enough
Heyyy so what's my damage today
Don't let me get in your way
Let it out like you always do
The trouble between me and you
Is nothing new
Is nothing new
Save your breath cause here comes the truth
I'm over the drama of you
And that's something new
Well I'm starin' out my window
Wonderin' what it is I should have, said"
-Nothing New-Ashlee Simpson-
"Someday you will find the place
It's the place where love takes over hate
Then you'll see all the things you do
Affect everyone around you
"Then you'll see there's no fear at all
You held my hand, we took down that wall
As I looked at you with nothing to say
Now I understand why you pushed me away
I went far and now I see
That the only one I needed was me"
-The Last Song-Hilary Duff-
"There's not much going on today.
I'm really bored, it's getting late.
What happened to my Saturday?
Monday's coming, the day I hate.
Sit on the bed alone, staring at the phone.
He wasn't what I wanted, what I thought, no.
He wouldn't even open up the door.
He never made me feel like I was special.
He isn't really what I'm looking for.
This is when I start to bite my nails.
And clean my room when all else fails.
I think it's time for me to bail.
This point of view is getting stale.
Sit on the bed alone, staring at the phone.
He wasn't what I wanted, what I thought, no.
He wouldn't even open up the door.
He never made me feel like I was special.
He isn't really what I'm looking for.
Na na na na na, we've all got choices.
Na na na na, we've all got voices.
Na na na na na, stand up make some noise.
Na na na na, stand up make some noise.
Sit on the bed alone, staring at the phone.
He wasn't what I wanted, what I thought, no.
He wouldn't even open up the door.
He never made me feel like I was special.
He isn't really what I'm looking for.
He wasn't what I wanted, what I thought, no.
He wouldn't even open up the door.
He never made me feel like I was special.
Like I was special, cuz I was special.
Na na na na na."
-He Wasn't-Avril Lavigne
"
Found myself today
Oh I found myself and ran away
Something pulled me back
The voice of reason I forgot I had
All I know is you're not here to say
What you always used to say
But it's written in the sky tonight
So I won't give up
No I won't break down
Sooner than it seems life turns around
And I will be strong
Even if it all goes wrong
When I'm standing in the dark I'll still believe
Someone's watching over me
Seen that ray of light
And it's shining on my destiny
Shining all the time
And I wont be afraid
To follow everywhere it's taking me
All I know is yesterday is gone
And right now I belong
To this moment to my dreams
So I won't give up
No I won't break down
Sooner than it seems life turns around
And I will be strong
Even if it all goes wrong
When I'm standing in the dark I'll still believe
Someone's watching over me
It doesn't matter what people say
And it doesn't matter how long it takes
Believe in yourself and you'll fly high
And it only matters how true you are
Be true to yourself and follow your heart
So I won't give up
No I won't break down
Sooner than it seems life turns around
And I will be strong
Even if it all goes wrong
When I'm standing in the dark I'll still believe
That I won't give up
No I won't break down
Sooner than it seems life turns around
And I will be strong
Even when it all goes wrong
When I'm standing in the dark I'll still believe
That someone's watching over
Someone's watching over
Someone's watching over me
Someone's watching over me"
-Someones Watching Over Me-Hilary Duff-
But I know I have to find an inner peace. I won't be pathetic, I won't call, I won't show up where I know he will be. I hate it, but I WILL let him walk away from me. I miss him SO much!!!
My birthday is in a few days, I have no cause to celebrate. I miss my sister and I wish she was here right now.
I'm going to be staying at my mom's for about a week or so. I can't be in that basement anymore. I'm looking for a new place. I need to start over. My mom is going to help me.
I haven't been eating, I slept a grand total of 8 hours in the past three days. I can't go back to "my home" there's too much there that is haunting me. I need some type of escape, and I want it to be a healthy one.
After work, I'll go back, pack my bag, go to my moms, sleep there and stay there for a while.
I have four days off this week. Thursday-Sunday. And to think I was finally going to have a real sleep over with him, but he doesn't want me...you know how much that hurts??? And I thought we were happy, I thought I was good to him, for him. He couldn't appreciate that and he couldn't feel anything for me. This is the worse pain I will ever know!!!
He gave me back my sweater, forgot about my video game. I packed this small bag, filled it with his photos, photos of us, poems I've written about him starting back when we were just dating, his pen he left at my place, the cd's he burned for me, cards that I did not yet give him, his guitar pick, a painting I made when we were hanging out, and the condoms....yes I gave them to him. So basicaly all the thing's reminding me of moments we shared went all to him..and I hope he feels something.
Here are some lyrics that I'm relating to...I was trying to actualy stay away from music, he had a huge influence on me with music, so I wanted to disregard it for a while, because it just makes me depressed, anything that relates to him and this situation...fucking pains me...
"I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And my scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel "
- Scars- Papa Roach-
"I've got another confession to make
I'm your fool
Everyone's got their chains to break
Holdin' you
Were you born to resist or be abused?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Are you gone and onto someone new?
I needed somewhere to hang my head
Without your noose
You gave me something that I didn't have
But had no use
I was too weak to give in
Too strong to lose
My heart is under arrest again
But I break loose
My head is giving me life or death
But I can't choose
I swear I'll never give in
I refuse
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
You trust, you must
Confess
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Oh...
Oh...Oh...Oh...Oh...
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
The life, the love
You die to heal
The hope that starts
The broken hearts
You trust, you must
Confess
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
I've got another confession my friend
I'm no fool
I'm getting tired of starting again
Somewhere new
Were you born to resist or be abused?
I swear I'll never give in
I refuse
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
You trust, you must
Confess
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Oh..."
-Best Of You-Foo Fighters-
"Take it back, take it all back now
The things I gave, like the taste of my kiss on your lips,
I miss that now
I can't try any harder than I do
All the reasons I gave, excuses I made for you
I'm broken in two
All the things left undiscovered
Leave me empty and left to wonder
I need you
All the things left undiscovered
Leave me waiting and left to wonder
I need you
Yeah I need you
Don't walk away
Touch me now how I wanna feel
Something so real, please remind me
My love, and take me back
Cuz I'm so in love with what we were
I'm not breathing I'm suffocating without you
Do u feel it too?
All the things left undiscovered
Leave me waiting and left to wonder
I need you
All the things left undiscovered
Leave me empty and left to wonder
I need you
Yeah I need you
When I'm in the dark and all alone
Dreaming that you'll walk right through my door,
Its then I know my heart is whole
There's a million reasons why I cry
Hold my covers tight and close my eyes
Cuz I don't wanna be alone
All the things left undiscovered
Leave me waiting and left to wonder
I need you
All the things left undiscovered
Leave me empty and left to wonder
I need you, I need you
Cuz I can't fake and I can't hate
But it's my heart
Thats about to break
You're all I need
I'm on my knees
Watch me bleed
Would you listen please
I give in
I breathe out
I want you, theres no doubt
I freak out, I'm left out
Without you, I'm without
I'm crossed out
I can't doubt
I cry out
I reach out
Don't walk away
Don't walk away
Don't walk away
Don't walk away"
-Undiscovered-Ashlee Simpson-
"
I found myself wrong again
Starin out my window
Wonderin what it is I should have said
I found myself at home again
Waitin for the after call
From a fallout that feels like such a mess
Ohhhh I can only be myself
I'm sorry that's hell for you
Heyyy so what's my damage today
Don't let me get in your way
Let it out like you always do
The trouble between me and you
Is nothing new
So I listen to you complain and then
I bite my tongue in vain again
As I let it all just slowly settle in
Such a pretty picture that you paint
I'm so vile while your a saint
Funny how your eyes see thick not thin
Ohhhh I can only be myself
Your lookin for someone else
Heyyy so what's my damage today
Don't let me get in your way
Let it out like you always do
The trouble between me and you
Is nothing new
You know how to give it but you can't take it
It's all just a waste now you can save it
No matter what I do
Is never good enough, never good enough
Heyyy so what's my damage today
Don't let me get in your way
Let it out like you always do
The trouble between me and you
Is nothing new
Is nothing new
Save your breath cause here comes the truth
I'm over the drama of you
And that's something new
Well I'm starin' out my window
Wonderin' what it is I should have, said"
-Nothing New-Ashlee Simpson-
"Someday you will find the place
It's the place where love takes over hate
Then you'll see all the things you do
Affect everyone around you
"Then you'll see there's no fear at all
You held my hand, we took down that wall
As I looked at you with nothing to say
Now I understand why you pushed me away
I went far and now I see
That the only one I needed was me"
-The Last Song-Hilary Duff-
"There's not much going on today.
I'm really bored, it's getting late.
What happened to my Saturday?
Monday's coming, the day I hate.
Sit on the bed alone, staring at the phone.
He wasn't what I wanted, what I thought, no.
He wouldn't even open up the door.
He never made me feel like I was special.
He isn't really what I'm looking for.
This is when I start to bite my nails.
And clean my room when all else fails.
I think it's time for me to bail.
This point of view is getting stale.
Sit on the bed alone, staring at the phone.
He wasn't what I wanted, what I thought, no.
He wouldn't even open up the door.
He never made me feel like I was special.
He isn't really what I'm looking for.
Na na na na na, we've all got choices.
Na na na na, we've all got voices.
Na na na na na, stand up make some noise.
Na na na na, stand up make some noise.
Sit on the bed alone, staring at the phone.
He wasn't what I wanted, what I thought, no.
He wouldn't even open up the door.
He never made me feel like I was special.
He isn't really what I'm looking for.
He wasn't what I wanted, what I thought, no.
He wouldn't even open up the door.
He never made me feel like I was special.
Like I was special, cuz I was special.
Na na na na na."
-He Wasn't-Avril Lavigne
"
Found myself today
Oh I found myself and ran away
Something pulled me back
The voice of reason I forgot I had
All I know is you're not here to say
What you always used to say
But it's written in the sky tonight
So I won't give up
No I won't break down
Sooner than it seems life turns around
And I will be strong
Even if it all goes wrong
When I'm standing in the dark I'll still believe
Someone's watching over me
Seen that ray of light
And it's shining on my destiny
Shining all the time
And I wont be afraid
To follow everywhere it's taking me
All I know is yesterday is gone
And right now I belong
To this moment to my dreams
So I won't give up
No I won't break down
Sooner than it seems life turns around
And I will be strong
Even if it all goes wrong
When I'm standing in the dark I'll still believe
Someone's watching over me
It doesn't matter what people say
And it doesn't matter how long it takes
Believe in yourself and you'll fly high
And it only matters how true you are
Be true to yourself and follow your heart
So I won't give up
No I won't break down
Sooner than it seems life turns around
And I will be strong
Even if it all goes wrong
When I'm standing in the dark I'll still believe
That I won't give up
No I won't break down
Sooner than it seems life turns around
And I will be strong
Even when it all goes wrong
When I'm standing in the dark I'll still believe
That someone's watching over
Someone's watching over
Someone's watching over me
Someone's watching over me"
-Someones Watching Over Me-Hilary Duff-