Need some help, but I'll never reach for it....
If anyone here really knows me then they'd know my problem.
Basicaly, I'm using this right now as a outlet and I'm going to be open and NOT make this private so only I can see. I don't need people to respond to this or even care to know if you've read it. It's just here so that maybe not only you'll understand me but maybe I can come to terms and learn to understand and figure myself out as well!!!
So, here goes...
I've been going up and down with my emotions ever since I moved out. I enjoy the freedom. I would HATE to live at home. But I've opened this door inside of me to an empty place. I try to fill myself up with happiness, buying nice thing's I need for my place, a new cd to relax me, surrounding myself in friends. But even all the happiness that can bring in, well it slowly leaks out. And it's leaking faster and faster. There's the issues of me harming myself that comes into play here, and I know I'm not the only one who has experienced this, but I might be the only one who thought they'd get over it on there own. I am now learning that I need someone to help me. And it's hard to reach out and ask someone to be there for you. Because one that is a huge thing to ask and I'm not sure who or how to do it. Also I know that I don't want to involve a doctor in this, that brings me back home, people thinking I'm crazy and all sorts of stuff I can't handle. What I need is to be able to call someone, and have them answer the phone.
Tonight, about 40 minutes or so before I had to leave for work I broke down. This came to me out of nowhere, I bursted out into tears. I didn't know what to do, I needed to relax. So I put a little vodka in my drink (enough to taste not get tipsy). I was hoping it would just calm my nerves a little, I didn't want to reach for a knife. But then I did. I didn't do anything, instead in the midst of all my fallen tears I decided to call my boyfriend, HE SHOULD be there for me when I'm like this. His phone line was busy. So, I decided to reach out to a close friend who knows of my situation, I called Paul. But when he answered, I muffled my tears back and tried to act happy. I was faking it, but he knew something sounded off. I couldn't bring myself to tell him. So, I hung up the phone. He called back, I felt bad, so I answered. I told him how I felt crazy, because I had all these desires to cry for no good reason and then how I wanted to harm myself. It came to me out of nowhere and I couldn't explain it and I don't understand it either. I ended up just hanging up the phone again so I could cry.
I've been having a hard time falling asleep, I find it most peaceful when Fabian is near me, there is that comfort I get from him. It's hard for me to sleep at night, I'm not sure where that stems from, well I do actually but I'm afraid to bring that topic up.
My problem can't be solved overnight. We all know that. I need to find a balance in my life. Nothing seems healthy. I want to drink a lot, but if I do when I'm alone it just brings me down and makes me go off the edge.
I've never wanted to die before, but I have these serious thought's of sucide. I don't want to end my life, but I believe there are parts of me that are already dead so they rest of me wants to match up. It's odd. It's like I'm being pulled into two directions. There's a up and there's a down.
I have this internal conflict where I want to reach out and ask someone to help me, fuck just hold me when I'm going through this, but then another parts of me holds back. Thinking I will lose whoever I ask, that no one can handle this or like me for what I go through. I don't want anyone to think I'm insane because I know I'm not. I'm not crazy. I've just had a lot of fucked up thing's happen to me in my life that I haven't come to terms with that I don't know how to deal with. I'm afraid to ask Fabian to be there for me, he may not want to deal with me, he could turn and walk away. I really don't know how he would react you know. I always doubt that he cares for me, I'm just always like that really. I don't know what to think in terms of him handling me like this or what he'll think of me. I shouldn't care right, he should be there for me regardless and if not fuck him...right???
There is this quote from a LIVE song that is sticking in my head, I'm not 100% sure why but here it is
"I've got the scars to prove that love has had it's day and it's way with me"
I get real lonely...I sink to my lowest point...I cry...I bleed...I feel my release...then I hide.
Basicaly, I'm using this right now as a outlet and I'm going to be open and NOT make this private so only I can see. I don't need people to respond to this or even care to know if you've read it. It's just here so that maybe not only you'll understand me but maybe I can come to terms and learn to understand and figure myself out as well!!!
So, here goes...
I've been going up and down with my emotions ever since I moved out. I enjoy the freedom. I would HATE to live at home. But I've opened this door inside of me to an empty place. I try to fill myself up with happiness, buying nice thing's I need for my place, a new cd to relax me, surrounding myself in friends. But even all the happiness that can bring in, well it slowly leaks out. And it's leaking faster and faster. There's the issues of me harming myself that comes into play here, and I know I'm not the only one who has experienced this, but I might be the only one who thought they'd get over it on there own. I am now learning that I need someone to help me. And it's hard to reach out and ask someone to be there for you. Because one that is a huge thing to ask and I'm not sure who or how to do it. Also I know that I don't want to involve a doctor in this, that brings me back home, people thinking I'm crazy and all sorts of stuff I can't handle. What I need is to be able to call someone, and have them answer the phone.
Tonight, about 40 minutes or so before I had to leave for work I broke down. This came to me out of nowhere, I bursted out into tears. I didn't know what to do, I needed to relax. So I put a little vodka in my drink (enough to taste not get tipsy). I was hoping it would just calm my nerves a little, I didn't want to reach for a knife. But then I did. I didn't do anything, instead in the midst of all my fallen tears I decided to call my boyfriend, HE SHOULD be there for me when I'm like this. His phone line was busy. So, I decided to reach out to a close friend who knows of my situation, I called Paul. But when he answered, I muffled my tears back and tried to act happy. I was faking it, but he knew something sounded off. I couldn't bring myself to tell him. So, I hung up the phone. He called back, I felt bad, so I answered. I told him how I felt crazy, because I had all these desires to cry for no good reason and then how I wanted to harm myself. It came to me out of nowhere and I couldn't explain it and I don't understand it either. I ended up just hanging up the phone again so I could cry.
I've been having a hard time falling asleep, I find it most peaceful when Fabian is near me, there is that comfort I get from him. It's hard for me to sleep at night, I'm not sure where that stems from, well I do actually but I'm afraid to bring that topic up.
My problem can't be solved overnight. We all know that. I need to find a balance in my life. Nothing seems healthy. I want to drink a lot, but if I do when I'm alone it just brings me down and makes me go off the edge.
I've never wanted to die before, but I have these serious thought's of sucide. I don't want to end my life, but I believe there are parts of me that are already dead so they rest of me wants to match up. It's odd. It's like I'm being pulled into two directions. There's a up and there's a down.
I have this internal conflict where I want to reach out and ask someone to help me, fuck just hold me when I'm going through this, but then another parts of me holds back. Thinking I will lose whoever I ask, that no one can handle this or like me for what I go through. I don't want anyone to think I'm insane because I know I'm not. I'm not crazy. I've just had a lot of fucked up thing's happen to me in my life that I haven't come to terms with that I don't know how to deal with. I'm afraid to ask Fabian to be there for me, he may not want to deal with me, he could turn and walk away. I really don't know how he would react you know. I always doubt that he cares for me, I'm just always like that really. I don't know what to think in terms of him handling me like this or what he'll think of me. I shouldn't care right, he should be there for me regardless and if not fuck him...right???
There is this quote from a LIVE song that is sticking in my head, I'm not 100% sure why but here it is
"I've got the scars to prove that love has had it's day and it's way with me"
I get real lonely...I sink to my lowest point...I cry...I bleed...I feel my release...then I hide.