tonight i raise the bar...

[drummingfish]

tonight i raise the bar. i no longer am good enough in my own mind. tonight my mental state of thinking that i am one of the better musicians for my age has been destroyed. i am proof of how far one can get solely on natural talent and personal motivation. i no longer have personal motivation. my eyes have been opened and i cant shade the images. ive let the only thing that gives me the will to live slip slowly into the back of my mind. no amount of personal talent or diligence can bring me to the level of musical prestige that i wish to obtain. i feel like shit. the one thing that ive worked for, for 5 years, and i have less then good enough to show. as well as watching the event that i planned for 6 months play out slowly and deteriorate before me. the bands were good. placing the blame and ettison clio were amazing. the only reason ettison clio even wasted their time to come way the fuck out here was because we half lied to them. we are helping people and thats great. the crowd was less then mildly acceptable for what we promised to be there. there is more attendance for a jefferson middle school jazz band performance. bullshit. i worked for this for nothing...."no you didnt your helping cure cancer." how many billions of dollars are donated every year to "cure" cancer....how many advances have they made in the past 5 years? not fucking enough therefore $800 is not gonna make a fucking differance. yeah i worked for nothing. they only thing i actually ran in student congress and it was horrible. the only thing im credible for in student congress is a cancer benefit show that not even 10 student congress members attended let alone the general public. we did just as good as we did last year planning this event in 2 weeks. are people gonna talk about the cancer benefit show? no. do people even care about it existing. no. and im talking about people outside us that ran the show or played at it. tonight i question myself. tonight actually made me ask myself whether or not its worth it to keep doing the ONLY thing that ive EVER been good at. too everyone else its no big deal. i take this so hard because this is the only thing i have to my name and i finally realize that its not worth my 2 cents. working towards a goal and working hard at it is not something i do. i dont work hard for things. mental or physical. but now im forcing myself to. and even that may have no affect on my mental status. im in a state of extreme lazyiness in long term situations. i was bound to see it sometime. now i have.
i hate my life.

Andy