I realized it and I dont know what to do about it
Today I realized that I haven't the slightest idea of where I'm going with my life. I feel like I'm spiraling out of control. Like my life is absolutely pointless. I don't know if I want to be nurse anymore or what. I feel stuck. I want to get the hell out of this house, but I don't have any money to get out of here. I'm sick of being here. I need my own space. I'm also sick of guys, the one's I don't want are all over me, but the one I do want I havent a clue what's going on with that. Damnit I'm doing exactly what I said I wouldn't do. I'm letting a guy get to me again. There are so many more people out there. just right now, I really need someone. I'm really alone inside. My soul is missing its mate. and I don't know what to do. I'm getting restless. a week ago everything was fine. now everything is screwed up again. one didnt call me like he said he would so I went to twos house. big mistake. he's fuckin head over heels for me and I dont know how to fix this. I want to run away from myself so badly right now. and what sucks is that i work with two. so I'm fucked. I really like one. but I dont know what the fuck happened. I feel like I'm getting what I'm giving. I hope that makes sense to you all. and I'm falling and he's not catching. I want the man of my dreams to come into my life so badly right now. but I know that's not going to happen. It's going to happen when I least expect it. but something in my head and my heart is telling me to look out. something is going to happen. I feel it and it's driving me crazy and I don't know if it's good or bad. It's this vibe running through my veins. It's making me crazy wondering what is going to happen. yall probably think I'm insane, but this is me and I strongly believe in vibes, what's in your heart, and spirituality, and astrology. I'm half drunk right now so I'm probably not making any fuckin sense but I honestly do not care I need to let this out. get this all out of my system. and something else.....I was having a pretty good time with my new friends and that guy, but all of a sudden jon came flooding into my head. I wanted to be with him more than ever, it was like my heart was crying out to him and there was nothing I could possibly do. I wanted to be in jons arms not this other guys. I wanted to be talking to jon, not the other guy. fuck I'm the one head over heels and screwed. fuckin A. well I guess it had to happen at some point. I guess you have to like someone like crazy and them not feel a damn thing towards you. but I duno. I'm too fuckin scared to tell him how I really and truly feel. I dont want to freak him out. fuck I'm done. 5 glasses of wine and I'm done. I'll write more tomorrow I'm sure.