ϑ
damage control
6275; r
yoochun/junsu; junsu/jaejoong; yoochun/jaejoong; yunho/jaejoong
junsu isn't innocent, not by a long shot.
but he manages to stay untarnished by it all and even when he's introduced to the world of fooling around with boys instead of fumbling with his own hand, he still doesn't go all the way.
yoochun can brush fingers lightly down the insides of arms and a sensitive stomach and make it so that he receives moans and smothered gasps in return, but junsu still only ever asks for yoochun's hands, and sometimes when he's feeling particularly brave, yoochun's mouth.
there are some lines junsu doesn't cross, some thoughts he only experiences through yoochun's breath and mumblings in his ear, stroking himself against junsu's thigh, fuck, the things i could do to you.
› › ›
junsu thinks it would be okay if jaejoong did things in moderation. but he never does, as if living years in the public eye had taught him nothing.
he can't talk normally, has to make sure to stick in something that makes everyone look and stare. he can't let a joke die, has to keep replaying it over and over until someone hits the back of his head and provokes a harmless fight. jaejoong can't even play along with those, lets it escalate until yunho tells him to calm down. even showing affection meant bone-crushing hugs, hips pressing too close and hands wandering too low, to the point where he had to be physically extracted from the other person.
the slightest mention of a party means jaejoong is already turning up the stereo and taking out plastic cups from underneath the sink. he makes sure to drink enough for everyone, wrapping himself around anyone brave enough to be within a two foot distance, pulling drinks out of hands, downing half of it and putting it back in the original hands, pressing sloppy spit-laced kisses to necks.
he can’t even dance without making a scene, usually far too drunk to care that his hands probably shouldn’t be wandering across junsu's belt and fumbling to undo it in front of everyone. he always tries to kiss him, but junsu pulls back, never drunk enough to not dodge just in time and through a tight smile say a 'very funny, jaejoong' that he doesn’t even seem to register.
though more often than not, jaejoong topples over onto the floor and laughs at the ceiling lights and how long changmin's legs look. yoochun always watches off to the distance, leaning against the wall with a highly amused grin and junsu always wonders why he's never the one to take care of jaejoong. it's always junsu scooping jaejoong off the floor, sometimes walking, sometimes dragging him to the bedroom, listening to him complain about how everything is spinning so fast, oh my god junsu how do you have four ears.
junsu always pushes jaejoong onto the bed a little harder than he has to, maybe trying to teach him a lesson, maybe trying to see if he's really as strong as he looks. he falls like a rag doll every time.
“i'm sorry, junsu. did i embarrass you again?”
“no, jaejoong.” junsu replies, finding it impossible not to smile down at the mess of hair and curious eyes full of regret. “only yourself.”
jaejoong sticks out his tongue and laughs, because what good was embarrassing himself if he did it in moderation anyways?
› › ›
it isn't like puzzle pieces or finding your other half, jaejoong tells him.
oh? yoochun turns over on the bed, rests his head on this hand looks at jaejoong, shirtless, staring at the ceiling with his legs crossed, hands behind his head.
it's about crashing into each other over and over again, coming away with broken noses and swollen lips, making yourselves fit, falling breathless and spent to the floor, promising yourself you won't ever do it again.
that sounds unnecessarily violent, yoochun chuckles, moving closer and putting his arm across jaejoong's chest.
exactly, jaejoong murmurs.
› › ›
junsu thinks that there's no point at all trying to undress yoochun and get him into bed like a normal person when he and jaejoong come back from their 'walks' feeling a little too rejuvenated from all that 'fresh air'.
all he does is flop around his arms and legs like a petulant child, trying to get junsu to stay with him a little bit longer, poking his stomach and thighs with his toes, junsu. junsu-yah, come play with me. i'm hungry, make me something. let's cuddle, junsu. somewhere around the fifth time junsu considers smothering him with his pillow, yoochun eventually passes out.
one time though, yoochun is even more excitable than usual and he's wriggled his way out of his jeans and shirt on his own and before junsu knows it, he's rolling over and on top of him, hair getting in his face. his grin is similar to his 'i'm so drunk and everything's so goddamn funny,' one, but that night it's a little more predatory, makes junsu's heart skip a beat.
yoochun kisses more of his own hair than junsu's lips, splutters and runs into the bathroom.
the second time, it's junsu's rum and coke, yoochun's salt and tequila and changmin's what the fuck you guys not here.
the third time, they're alone in a room and they both know what's going to happen.
the fourth time they're both sober, but only because junsu gets tired of waiting.
› › ›
junsu is the one good with words. even if they make no sense, even if sometimes his sentences are to be nodded along with or laughed at and not to be understood, he still has the words and they flow freely, honest and endearing, right out of his mouth. he always has an answer, even if it doesn't match the question or avoids it completely. he's never caught tongue-tied. sometimes he chooses not to speak, but that isn't the same thing.
yoochun is supposed to make him tongue-tied and trip over words, according to books and the songs. but the way junsu likes him, has always liked him, just makes him answer back even more, a running dialogue between the two of them that no one else can keep up with. junsu can say white and left and yoochun can say black and right, and they're opposites but somehow still the same. sometimes they're just quiet together, and that isn't the same as not speaking to one another, not the same as not understanding each other.
junsu accepts yoochun's need to be alone, but has a sixth sense about when is a good time to come and pull him out of hiding and back into the human world again. yoochun knows junsu's type of moodiness is a lot different than his, that when he would rather just smoke alone on the balcony or lock himself in a room for half the day, junsu won't push him away when yoochun forces his head into junsu's lap, threads their fingers together. yoochun leans on junsu more than he has to, keeping them both grounded so yoochun can keep his head out of the clouds and keep junsu away from those thoughts and secrets yoochun knows he has.
with yoochun, junsu collides head-on with the awkwardness normal teenagers eventually stumble their way out of, adorned with bruises from tripping over the curb drunk and making mistakes to be repeated countless times. the sloppiness of a first time is something he entertains when he isn't too tired to fall asleep immediately but it's always been perfection perfection perfection demanded of him and junsu doesn't attempt it often.
with junsu, yoochun can melt into something real, terrifying and silly at the same time. he doesn't put a label on it, because he's a little bit of a coward and doesn't want to it to be any different.
› › ›
jaejoong compares the two a lot.
both of them have their own variations on absent-mindedness and a tenacity, a persistence about them almost as potent as the rest of them put together.
they also have a genuine niceness about them that make them the easiest to approach. junsu, the little brother that always reminds them that laughter truly is the best medicine. yunho, the older brother that'll always sit down next to them, listen to all their problems, and think, really think about the best course of action but still won't hesitate to tell them that their individual problems were nothing in comparison to the bigger picture.
jaejoong's always admired the way both of them never thought that they had the privilege to complain about schedules, not enough time to eat or no possibility of a private life because they were pursuing their dreams, doing something they loved to do. the rest of them weren't quite at that level, and sometimes jaejoong felt guilty for not being able to swallow the difficulties and take it all in stride.
jaejoong felt guilty too for knowing yunho's few weaknesses. maybe it was also jaejoong's fault that he was willing to exploit it to feel something close to love, affection, just something to hold onto in a spiral of loneliness, despite the plethora of fans and ecstatic company executives.
it wasn't his fault that yunho liked wallowing in his own self-pity and guilt more than he liked jaejoong, jaejoong thinks bitterly.
"jaejoong-i think. i just think that sometimes unnatural fixations develop in these kinds of situations and we're all lonely, but it's up to us to stay normal and i think we should stop." yunho had said.
"yeah well fuck you too." jaejoong had replied, but he knew it was a long time coming.
"i still love you." yunho had looked down, and jaejoong had never seen him so close to breaking, the cracks in voice, his posture.
jaejoong had held him in his arms, whispered, being normal is overrated i love you i love you i can't help being so obvious i'll try to stop i'm sorry i love you. but all yunho had done was shake his head in between jaejoong's neck and shoulder, choked and said no we can't we can't we can't.
jaejoong would be the one yunho went to for the feel of another person against him, not only because jaejoong was willing participant. but in the end, yunho loved them all the same, equally.
touching jaejoong too long, making too many promises and loving him too much meant compromising the group's integrity.
jaejoong couldn't hate yunho for this reasoning, even made him fall deeper in love with him although they had started sleeping in different beds.
so maybe it was only natural, jaejoong thinks, for him to start watching junsu a little longer than usual afterwards.
their similarities made his heart twist, but jaejoong was different with junsu, never really figured out how to sit down and have a conversation with him. couldn't really laugh with him the same way he could with changmin and yoochun. junsu seemed to always be bouncing on the balls of his feet, moving rapidly from one thing to another. jaejoong couldn't keep up. but junsu would eat whatever jaejoong made for them, always compliment him without fail, always a beacon of sunshine.
but then something happened between yoochun and junsu, and junsu seemed even more grounded, stable somehow. yoochun would smile more and they would sit together on the couch for hours, twittering ticking and poking until changmin asked them politely to shut up. it wasn't like they weren't close before, but there was something different in the way they looked at each other.
so he asked yoochun over a shared cigarette one night, a huge smile plastered on his face as he passed it back to jaejoong
"we kiss a lot."
jaejoong had laughed out loud, covered his mouth so as not wake the others. "that's it?"
"not normal ones, okay. like the kind i wouldn't mind dying in."
jaejoong had continued smiling, crushed the end of the cigarette underneath his shoe.
what do you like about him, jaejoong asked.
he sees through my bullshit, yoochun answered.
› › ›
junsu traces his fingers against the small of his back, and yoochun feels his fingers brush against his vertebrae, the upward ridge between the x and q, his breath soft and measured. yoochun times his breathing with his, and they slip into a lazy kind of silence. when junsu finishes following the curve of the c, yoochun asks
do you think you'll ever get one?
a tattoo?
yeah.
i dunno.
no?
the idea of putting something permanent on my body that might not be permanent bothers me.
oh. yoochun falls quiet and wonders if junsu realizes the weight of his own words.
what? you want me to tattoo 'property of yoochun' on my body? junsu teases.
no, just as long as it's already tattooed on your heart, yoochun replies.
...you're disgusting.
yoochun flips onto his back and pulls junsu on top of him, laughing, i'm only disgusting with you, baby.
you're such a liar, junsu replies, muffled, into yoochun's chest.
› › ›
getting back to their hotel room that night was even more of an adventure than usual, yoochun grappling with a locked door handle for a good minute before realizing it wasn't even their car, yunho tripping constantly over changmin gleefully and trying to take him down as well, junsu doing some complicated dance on the sidewalk and behind him, jaejoong trying to keep up.
when they all finally managed to pile into the van, junsu found himself in the back between jaejoong and yoochun, changmin and yunho up front. jaejoong opens the windows in the back all the way down and changmin yells back at him, hyung, are you stupid what if someone sees us? jaejoong turns red and hurriedly pulls them up while the rest of the van take turns laughing at him.
yoochun has his arm around junsu's waist, pulls junsu against him and brushes his lips against his temple while junsu rests his head on yoochun's shoulder. jaejoong presses himself closer to the window side but watches them, not really sober enough to hide it well. the van is suddenly overwhelmingly humid from their collective body heat, and jaejoong, clearing his throat, asks the driver to turn on the air conditioning.
when jaejoong's drunk, he's even more paranoid about the elevator than usual. whenever he's forced to ride in one, he talks constantly as though to convince himself the noise will keep them from getting stuck, the lights going out and trapping them, all of them asphyxiating to death.
so when they all reach the lobby, jaejoong stops behind them, eyes the elevator warily.
“i'm not taking the elevator.”
“not it!”
“not it!”
“not it!”
“not it what?”
“junsu, it's you!”
“you get to take jaejoong up the stairs!”
“to the the 12th floor!”
the elevator dings.
“have fun!”
“peace!”
yoochun waves at him as the elevator doors close.
junsu glares at him, then at jaejoong, who looks so grateful that junsu has to sigh, take his arm and walk to the staircase.
jaejoong trips a lot, usually a few times in a row, almost to the point where junsu wishes he could piggyback him just to get it over with. jaejoong clearly finds it amusing when the world jerks itself out from under his feet and lands him on his ass, laughs when he's on his hands and knees trying to crawl up the stairs. by the fourth floor, junsu gives up trying to be expedient about the entire thing, joins jaejoong on all fours and challenges him to a race.
they knock against each other, arms and legs flying every which way, purposely pushing and blocking in order to gain ground on the other. they're head to head by the sixth floor, and just as junsu is about to turn into another flight of stairs, jaejoong shoves him hard against the railing, knocks junsu's head painfully against the wood and before junsu can get his hand to the back of his head to rub it better, jaejoong is kissing him, noses bumping against each other, too spontaneous to even adjust the angle.
the first thing junsu thinks isn't whether he should be doing this, isn't to pull away and pretend like nothing's happened. instead, he closes his eyes and thinks of yoochun, wonders if this is the way jaejoong kisses yoochun. in the name of research, junsu adjusts his head and opens his mouth against jaejoong's and is met by a surprised, complying moan.
jaejoong tries not to admit to himself that he's been thinking about this for a really long time, that he's been fantasizing about this very outcome, awkward and perfect.
it's completely different from the first time he'd kissed yunho, planned and executed to the very last detail. jaejoong always had some sort of self-satisfaction, an innate knowledge that yunho could be manipulated easily and even though yunho would always be the responsible, no we can't do this anymore type, jaejoong had the upper hand with yunho and yes we can do this again would win out every time. with junsu it's different, and it thrills jaejoong to know that he isn't the one in charge, that playing with junsu is a little dangerous, unpredictable.
they both pull apart at the same time, jaejoong blushing furiously. he half expects junsu to crack up, burst into giggles, or god forbid, go running to yoochun so both of them can laugh the night away at his expense.
instead, junsu cocks his head slightly, looking thoughtful.
“your lips are softer than yoochun's.”
jaejoong is flooded with relief, presses his fingers against his lips and says, “are they really?”
“yeah.” junsu leans over and kisses jaejoong again, briefly. “yup, definitely softer.”
they walk up the rest of the way on two legs, jaejoong taking extra precaution not trip again, looping 'right foot, left foot' in his head so as not to embarrass himself after such an impressive showing. but jaejoong falters somewhere in the middle of the ninth floor, and junsu smiles at him, takes his hand. junsu starts humming softly, and after a couple seconds of confusion, jaejoong identifies the song and they end up harmonizing until the twelfth floor.
junsu walks jaejoong to his room, giggling while jaejoong goes through nine pockets looking for his key card. when he does manage to fish it out, it takes six swipes for him to get the green light. jaejoong half-wishes that junsu weren't so goddamn considerate as to accompany him and witness this sad spectacle.
“you got it?” junsu grins at him.
“yeah.” jaejoong says awkardly. they're standing in silence for what seems like eternity before jaejoong blurts out, “want to come in?”
“i think i'm going to call it a night.” junsu makes it sound like it's not a rejection, like he really is tired. jaejoong wonders if he's going to go to yoochun's room after this.
“oh. well. thank you for helping me.”
“anytime.”
jaejoong falls asleep half on the bed, half off the bed, wakes up to his fingers against his lips and yunho pounding on the door.
› › ›
junsu thinks the word love sounds pretty.
yoochun's first love didn't know he existed.
jaejoong falls a little in love with everyone.
› › ›
during a company mixer, yoochun catches junsu's eye but junsu glances away before he can try mouthing something to him or gesture for him to come over. yoochun watches him, unflinchingly, as junsu carries on a wonderfully professional, business-like conversation with some suit in charge of their pr, stares hard at him, trying to make junsu feel fingers on hips, shoulder underneath teeth, hands holding wrists down.
when he's finally done, junsu comes over, close and intimate, and starts to debrief him on his previous conversation. yoochun doesn't pay much attention, just stares at junsu's lips. after junsu finishes talking, yoochun looks at junsu in his entirety, his eyes silently asking how anyone could ever deny him anything.
they don't, junsu tells him behind a locked door. yoochun smiles against his lips.
› › ›
jaejoong and yoochun never really went through the 'like' phase in their relationship. they both jumped headfirst into being confidants and when they touched each other, there was no electricity of a first time with a new lover. it was comfortable, like taking a warm shower at the end of the day. there was no self-consciousness, no need to think about what the other person was thinking.
yoochun never considered himself greedy until the day junsu kissed him and he still kissed jaejoong afterwards.
› › ›
their first real fight catches them both by surprise, both not even remembering how it started. what they do remember is that an unfortunate combination of fatigue and an interview that had lasted too long led one of them to snap at the other, and the other snapped back, equally vicious.
junsu had dug his open hand against yoochun's stomach and pushed him away hard, nothing playful in the gesture. not even realizing it himself, yoochun came back at him with one arm raised and junsu retaliated in a hiss through his teeth, you better not fucking touch me. yoochun's stubborness made him answer well if you weren't asking for it. junsu's eyes had widened and he left the room slowly, almost sauntering, yoochun thought, not even bothering to slam the door.
yoochun calls junsu when he can't find him anywhere and all he wants to do is kiss him and put his hands around his waist and smell him through his t-shirt.
changmin mentions something about junsu asking about his grey hoodie a couple hours back. when junsu picks up the phone, yoochun asks him where he is, can he meet him somewhere? i'm sorry, baby. you know i would never-junsu tells him calling him baby doesn't fix everything, doesn't make him less of an asshole and hangs up on him. the second time yoochun calls, it's gotten dark and goes straight to voicemail.
i take it back, i take it back, just let me take it back, yoochun pleads with his cellphone.
› › ›
junsu doesn't return until the next morning. jaejoong is the first one to see him enter the kitchen. yunho looks up from his coffee when junsu pulls up a chair, asks him if he's alright and exempts him from the third degree. jaejoong can't help but think that if either he or yoochun had pulled a stunt along those same lines, there would have been hell to pay. but this is junsu, jaejoong thinks, junsu never does anything irresponsible like leaving without telling anyone. there was no doubt that yoochun was somehow involved.
junsu nods and begins to unenthusiastically chew on a corner of french toast. changmin pushes a glass of orange juice his way.
jaejoong leans against the stove, wants to pull junsu into a hug and tell him, hey, this is how things go. just let him say sorry, and you can roll your eyes and call him a hopeless idiot, he'll agree and kiss you breathless and then you'll forget all about it. don't stay angry at him because i'll think that i have a chance.
yoochun walks into the kitchen right as they're all cleaning up, rubbing his eyes. he stops short when he sees junsu.
"where were you?"
junsu doesn't answer.
"where were you?" yoochun repeats, this time with an edge of desperation. he looks at yunho accusingly, "did you know about this?"
"yoochun." yunho interjects, warning and fear in his voice. jaejoong looks at him in surprise, sees something flicker in yunho's eyes that he hasn't seen in a long time.
junsu gets up from his chair as if yoochun isn't even there, puts his plates in the sink next to jaejoong and starts running the water. he smiles sweetly up at him and "thanks for breakfast, hyung." yoochun scowls at them, but junsu's back is to him and jaejoong is the one who bears the brunt of it. yoochun steps towards them and yunho mirrors him, taking his elbow and pulling him back.
jaejoong takes the dishes from junsu and tells him maybe he should go get some rest for the shoot in the afternoon. junsu looks up at him and nods. jaejoong feels a twinge of guilt in the bottom of his stomach when he lets his fingers rest on junsu's a little longer than he has to.
› › ›
yoochun walks into the room, turns off the light. jaejoong looks up from the text he was about to send, surprised.
yoochun?
let's fuck.
huh? jaejoong watches, confused, as yoochun starts taking things out of the nightstand. then it dawns on him.
yoochun, look. doing this won't make junsu-
this isn't about him.
right, jaejoong mutters under his breath and yoochun only pretends not to hear.
› › ›
junsu bites his tongue and tries to keep his peace, his brain immediately jumping to worst case scenarios. the worst could be that yes, yoochun's gotten over him, never was in anything with him in the first place, and now's he finally gone back with the one he always had from the beginning. junsu was a fun little pastime that made him laugh but jaejoong was the one that he shares secrets with, the one he fucks.
junsu isn't usually one to color himself fatalistic, but the way yoochun doesn't meet his eyes, pulls a crumpled t-shirt over his head and down across his chest, his lips looking kiss-swollen, junsu thinks it's all over.
he starts looking around for something that might dull the pain of realization for more than a few minutes, not just an ipod or a nice video game where he can blow up little computer animated soldiers that all look remarkably like yoochun. he comes up empty.
junsu thinks maybe he just wants another apology from yoochun.
it all gets a little too real a little too fast when jaejoong walks towards him with only a pair of sweatpants on.
jaejoong places a hand on his shoulder, the musk of sex unmistakable, asks him
"are you hungry? do you want me to make you something?"
junsu shakes his head tersely, no, you slut, junsu thinks, then immediately regrets it, files away that particular brand of guilt to the back of his mind and swallows.
he continues clicking the mouse in rapid succession. casualty. casualty. casualty. jaejoong hesitates for a moment, sees how junsu's hand is curled around the mouse before he heads to the kitchen and starts taking out pots and pans.
junsu sees yoochun in the corner of his eye, switches from his semi-automatic to an assault rifle.
by the time jaejoong's finishes measuring out the rice into the rice cooker, junsu's already beat his high score.
i can be bad too.
› › ›
i know you want this, junsu tells him.
no, i don't, jaejoong replies, with as much conviction he can muster.
you do it with yoochun. how is it any different with me? junsu says, painfully artless, straightforward.
it's not the same.
but you're always coming on to me.
jaejoong winces.
well, uh, that's-i'm drunk most of the time.
do you want to drink? will it make it easier? we can.
jaejoong wonders how junsu can look so innocent when he's pretty much openly inviting him to have sex.
junsu closes the space between them, puts his hand on jaejoong's belt buckle, starts undoing it. this is what you want to do, right hyung?
jaejoong is frozen in place, sure that's he passed the point of no return. junsu pulls down his zipper, puts his hand against jaejoong, hesitant and firm. can i kiss you? junsu asks after a couple moments. then says in a voice that makes jaejoong's mouth dry, blushing, i'm really good at it.
all he can do is nod.
junsu presses his mouth against his, and it's nothing like the first time. there's nothing experimental and restrained about this, all open-mouthed, slow and torturous. junsu wasn't kidding.
junsu puts his hands on jaejoong's shoulders but jaejoong's arms are stuck to his side, and he's at a loss about what to do with them. putting them around junsu's waist or his neck seems too much like usurping yoochun's place, like pretending to be someone to junsu that he's clearly not. before he can think too much about it, junsu pulls away,
"sit on the bed."
jaejoong walks backwards until the the back of his knees hit something soft and he falls back. junsu kneels in front of him, pulls off his trousers and briefs. jaejoong gasps when junsu takes most of him in his mouth on the first try, wasting no time with foreplay. it almost seems like he's trying to get him off as quickly as possible. jaejoong feels like a customer, like he's paid junsu to do this, never mind that he came to him first and never mind that jaejoong never technically said yes.
jaejoong tries not to consider the ramifications of that thought.
he braces himself against the bed with both hands, not daring to touch junsu's hair.
junsu uses his hand to draw out the last of jaejoong's orgasm.
when he gets up off his knees, junsu takes off his shirt and jaejoong, through the dim haze of just finished sex, beckons junsu to come over. but junsu just wipes off his hand on the fabric and starts to leave the room.
"wait!"
"yeah?"
"let me-let me at least do something for you. come here, i can-"
"you don't have to."
jaejoong knows that he's being used, neither of them being terribly subtle about it.
› › ›
but you guys have had fights before. out of anyone, you two should be the ones to just laugh it off.
yeah, but when you love-when you're in love with someone, everything changes. i know we were friends first, but now we're something else. and that something else is so intense that sometimes i lay in my bed and i can't stop my heart from pounding. now when he says something, i hear something else. when he touches me, i feel something else. when he's angry with me, i want to cut open my chest if that would mean him forgiving me.
just say sorry.
i did.
say it again.
he doesn't want to hear it.
he wants to hear it more than you think.
that's why he's fucking around with you, huh?
look-
no, it's okay. i'm not going to be a hypocrite about it.
it's not that.
then?
you need to figure out what you're doing with him. you can't leave it hanging.
i never had to define anything with you.
you know that's not the same.
i'm.
what?
nothing.
(i'm scared he means more to me than i mean to him.)
› › ›
jaejoong politely declined the dinner invitation, said that he had a headache and wanted to stay at home.
changmin had made a big production of trying to get junsu to come, singing high praise of the restaurant's food, the way they had free refills of everything. it was almost as if. as if he just wanted to get junsu out of the house, to get him in the same room as yoochun. but junsu had shook his head, resolute, no, okay. i'm not going. yoochun had left the room ten minutes ago, said that he'd be downstairs waiting. yunho tried too, saying, junsu, you sure you don't want to come?
when the door clicks shut, junsu waits a minute before turning to jaejoong, touching him with a careful, concentrated precision. jaejoong tries to say something then immediately reconsiders because even though he can't talk to junsu, can't say anything that won't make him like a complete idiot. but he can kiss him with intent, can let his fingers speak the words that he can't really say.
jaejoong walks into the bedroom and junsu seems shy now. there's none of the bravado of the previous night, nothing of the steamroller that had ran him over, had left him crushed and winded.
"is there something wrong?"
"oh. no." junsu shakes himself out of his thoughts, smiles and sits on the bed.
with his fingers, jaejoong follows outline of junsu's cupid bow, slowly rounding the curve of mouth against the lower lip. he doesn't waste any time about wondering whether or not he can place his hand against his hip, against his cheek because junsu is here and jaejoong is willing to forget for a few hours that he isn't really his, is just a convenient substitute.
jaejoong is gentle and purposeful, savouring the slow burn of flesh against flesh, kissing the insides of junsu's wrists, the hollow of his throat. junsu presses his hips against his, arches his shoulders upwards. jaejoong looks up to kiss him, but he finds junsu's head twisted to the side, against the pillow, eyes squeezed shut. jaejoong gets up, the reality of the situation jolting through him.
"why are you here, junsu? what are you doing?"
i-i want you to be my first, junsu whispers.
jaejoong can feel the desire shoot all the way down to his toes, white-hot down to the base of his spine, to the suffocating beating pulse in his throat. jaejoong runs his tongue across the seam of junsu's lips, junsu's mouth opening easily, and jaejoong thinks, oh god, i don't deserve this, i don't deserve this, i don't deserve this.
junsu doesn't speak through the rest of it, communicates to jaejoong with moans and whimpers, mapping out the press-stops into a recognizable rhythm. junsu comes seconds after jaejoong, a breathless keening sound around his fingers.
junsu doesn't get up immediately and jaejoong lies next to him, unsure about whether or not he should try to hold him.
"was it okay?"
junsu gives him a small smile, presses a kiss to his jaw.
"yeah. thanks hyung."
jaejoong relives it the rest of the night, closes his eyes and imagines it's just him and junsu, ghosts his fingers across the creases of the sheets far after he's left and waits for a night after, for hands against skin, for blushes spread through large patches of traffic-lit skin, for the small bits of remembering and for everything else but.
› › ›
i can taste him on you, yoochun says.
› › ›
you should stop, yunho tells him.
jaejoong acts like he has no idea what he's talking about. yunho looks down, continues.
just-just because we didn't work out doesn't mean that you have to keep them apart.
oh so now it's okay, huh. why the sudden change of heart? jaejoong snarls, unable to keep the frustration, anger out of his voice.
i want to be brave for them the way i couldn't be brave for you, yunho answers.
› › ›
it isn't like yoochun doesn't know what happened with yunho and jaejoong. jaejoong fucked up good with yunho. but they both had enabled each other. it wasn't jaejoong's fault that yunho had been the one to finally realize limits long after they had been crossed.
but yoochun's had more than his fair share of fuck-ups and junsu's one name he doesn't want to add to the list. so he goes to jaejoong after junsu leaves, before jaejoong's fully come down, before jaejoong's clear-headed enough to push him away and touches him vicariously, kisses him like he would junsu and and thinks maybe this way he won't hurt junsu, won't hurt himself.
it isn't like junsu doesn't know what happened between yunho and jaejoong. he just didn't think he'd ever be stupid enough to be in their place.
but yoochun makes him feel like he's too familiar to ask, too cocky to leave, makes his fingers shake.
junsu knows what he's doing, and if jaejoong won't say no, he won't either.
6275; r
yoochun/junsu; junsu/jaejoong; yoochun/jaejoong; yunho/jaejoong
junsu isn't innocent, not by a long shot.
but he manages to stay untarnished by it all and even when he's introduced to the world of fooling around with boys instead of fumbling with his own hand, he still doesn't go all the way.
yoochun can brush fingers lightly down the insides of arms and a sensitive stomach and make it so that he receives moans and smothered gasps in return, but junsu still only ever asks for yoochun's hands, and sometimes when he's feeling particularly brave, yoochun's mouth.
there are some lines junsu doesn't cross, some thoughts he only experiences through yoochun's breath and mumblings in his ear, stroking himself against junsu's thigh, fuck, the things i could do to you.
› › ›
junsu thinks it would be okay if jaejoong did things in moderation. but he never does, as if living years in the public eye had taught him nothing.
he can't talk normally, has to make sure to stick in something that makes everyone look and stare. he can't let a joke die, has to keep replaying it over and over until someone hits the back of his head and provokes a harmless fight. jaejoong can't even play along with those, lets it escalate until yunho tells him to calm down. even showing affection meant bone-crushing hugs, hips pressing too close and hands wandering too low, to the point where he had to be physically extracted from the other person.
the slightest mention of a party means jaejoong is already turning up the stereo and taking out plastic cups from underneath the sink. he makes sure to drink enough for everyone, wrapping himself around anyone brave enough to be within a two foot distance, pulling drinks out of hands, downing half of it and putting it back in the original hands, pressing sloppy spit-laced kisses to necks.
he can’t even dance without making a scene, usually far too drunk to care that his hands probably shouldn’t be wandering across junsu's belt and fumbling to undo it in front of everyone. he always tries to kiss him, but junsu pulls back, never drunk enough to not dodge just in time and through a tight smile say a 'very funny, jaejoong' that he doesn’t even seem to register.
though more often than not, jaejoong topples over onto the floor and laughs at the ceiling lights and how long changmin's legs look. yoochun always watches off to the distance, leaning against the wall with a highly amused grin and junsu always wonders why he's never the one to take care of jaejoong. it's always junsu scooping jaejoong off the floor, sometimes walking, sometimes dragging him to the bedroom, listening to him complain about how everything is spinning so fast, oh my god junsu how do you have four ears.
junsu always pushes jaejoong onto the bed a little harder than he has to, maybe trying to teach him a lesson, maybe trying to see if he's really as strong as he looks. he falls like a rag doll every time.
“i'm sorry, junsu. did i embarrass you again?”
“no, jaejoong.” junsu replies, finding it impossible not to smile down at the mess of hair and curious eyes full of regret. “only yourself.”
jaejoong sticks out his tongue and laughs, because what good was embarrassing himself if he did it in moderation anyways?
› › ›
it isn't like puzzle pieces or finding your other half, jaejoong tells him.
oh? yoochun turns over on the bed, rests his head on this hand looks at jaejoong, shirtless, staring at the ceiling with his legs crossed, hands behind his head.
it's about crashing into each other over and over again, coming away with broken noses and swollen lips, making yourselves fit, falling breathless and spent to the floor, promising yourself you won't ever do it again.
that sounds unnecessarily violent, yoochun chuckles, moving closer and putting his arm across jaejoong's chest.
exactly, jaejoong murmurs.
› › ›
junsu thinks that there's no point at all trying to undress yoochun and get him into bed like a normal person when he and jaejoong come back from their 'walks' feeling a little too rejuvenated from all that 'fresh air'.
all he does is flop around his arms and legs like a petulant child, trying to get junsu to stay with him a little bit longer, poking his stomach and thighs with his toes, junsu. junsu-yah, come play with me. i'm hungry, make me something. let's cuddle, junsu. somewhere around the fifth time junsu considers smothering him with his pillow, yoochun eventually passes out.
one time though, yoochun is even more excitable than usual and he's wriggled his way out of his jeans and shirt on his own and before junsu knows it, he's rolling over and on top of him, hair getting in his face. his grin is similar to his 'i'm so drunk and everything's so goddamn funny,' one, but that night it's a little more predatory, makes junsu's heart skip a beat.
yoochun kisses more of his own hair than junsu's lips, splutters and runs into the bathroom.
the second time, it's junsu's rum and coke, yoochun's salt and tequila and changmin's what the fuck you guys not here.
the third time, they're alone in a room and they both know what's going to happen.
the fourth time they're both sober, but only because junsu gets tired of waiting.
› › ›
junsu is the one good with words. even if they make no sense, even if sometimes his sentences are to be nodded along with or laughed at and not to be understood, he still has the words and they flow freely, honest and endearing, right out of his mouth. he always has an answer, even if it doesn't match the question or avoids it completely. he's never caught tongue-tied. sometimes he chooses not to speak, but that isn't the same thing.
yoochun is supposed to make him tongue-tied and trip over words, according to books and the songs. but the way junsu likes him, has always liked him, just makes him answer back even more, a running dialogue between the two of them that no one else can keep up with. junsu can say white and left and yoochun can say black and right, and they're opposites but somehow still the same. sometimes they're just quiet together, and that isn't the same as not speaking to one another, not the same as not understanding each other.
junsu accepts yoochun's need to be alone, but has a sixth sense about when is a good time to come and pull him out of hiding and back into the human world again. yoochun knows junsu's type of moodiness is a lot different than his, that when he would rather just smoke alone on the balcony or lock himself in a room for half the day, junsu won't push him away when yoochun forces his head into junsu's lap, threads their fingers together. yoochun leans on junsu more than he has to, keeping them both grounded so yoochun can keep his head out of the clouds and keep junsu away from those thoughts and secrets yoochun knows he has.
with yoochun, junsu collides head-on with the awkwardness normal teenagers eventually stumble their way out of, adorned with bruises from tripping over the curb drunk and making mistakes to be repeated countless times. the sloppiness of a first time is something he entertains when he isn't too tired to fall asleep immediately but it's always been perfection perfection perfection demanded of him and junsu doesn't attempt it often.
with junsu, yoochun can melt into something real, terrifying and silly at the same time. he doesn't put a label on it, because he's a little bit of a coward and doesn't want to it to be any different.
› › ›
jaejoong compares the two a lot.
both of them have their own variations on absent-mindedness and a tenacity, a persistence about them almost as potent as the rest of them put together.
they also have a genuine niceness about them that make them the easiest to approach. junsu, the little brother that always reminds them that laughter truly is the best medicine. yunho, the older brother that'll always sit down next to them, listen to all their problems, and think, really think about the best course of action but still won't hesitate to tell them that their individual problems were nothing in comparison to the bigger picture.
jaejoong's always admired the way both of them never thought that they had the privilege to complain about schedules, not enough time to eat or no possibility of a private life because they were pursuing their dreams, doing something they loved to do. the rest of them weren't quite at that level, and sometimes jaejoong felt guilty for not being able to swallow the difficulties and take it all in stride.
jaejoong felt guilty too for knowing yunho's few weaknesses. maybe it was also jaejoong's fault that he was willing to exploit it to feel something close to love, affection, just something to hold onto in a spiral of loneliness, despite the plethora of fans and ecstatic company executives.
it wasn't his fault that yunho liked wallowing in his own self-pity and guilt more than he liked jaejoong, jaejoong thinks bitterly.
"jaejoong-i think. i just think that sometimes unnatural fixations develop in these kinds of situations and we're all lonely, but it's up to us to stay normal and i think we should stop." yunho had said.
"yeah well fuck you too." jaejoong had replied, but he knew it was a long time coming.
"i still love you." yunho had looked down, and jaejoong had never seen him so close to breaking, the cracks in voice, his posture.
jaejoong had held him in his arms, whispered, being normal is overrated i love you i love you i can't help being so obvious i'll try to stop i'm sorry i love you. but all yunho had done was shake his head in between jaejoong's neck and shoulder, choked and said no we can't we can't we can't.
jaejoong would be the one yunho went to for the feel of another person against him, not only because jaejoong was willing participant. but in the end, yunho loved them all the same, equally.
touching jaejoong too long, making too many promises and loving him too much meant compromising the group's integrity.
jaejoong couldn't hate yunho for this reasoning, even made him fall deeper in love with him although they had started sleeping in different beds.
so maybe it was only natural, jaejoong thinks, for him to start watching junsu a little longer than usual afterwards.
their similarities made his heart twist, but jaejoong was different with junsu, never really figured out how to sit down and have a conversation with him. couldn't really laugh with him the same way he could with changmin and yoochun. junsu seemed to always be bouncing on the balls of his feet, moving rapidly from one thing to another. jaejoong couldn't keep up. but junsu would eat whatever jaejoong made for them, always compliment him without fail, always a beacon of sunshine.
but then something happened between yoochun and junsu, and junsu seemed even more grounded, stable somehow. yoochun would smile more and they would sit together on the couch for hours, twittering ticking and poking until changmin asked them politely to shut up. it wasn't like they weren't close before, but there was something different in the way they looked at each other.
so he asked yoochun over a shared cigarette one night, a huge smile plastered on his face as he passed it back to jaejoong
"we kiss a lot."
jaejoong had laughed out loud, covered his mouth so as not wake the others. "that's it?"
"not normal ones, okay. like the kind i wouldn't mind dying in."
jaejoong had continued smiling, crushed the end of the cigarette underneath his shoe.
what do you like about him, jaejoong asked.
he sees through my bullshit, yoochun answered.
› › ›
junsu traces his fingers against the small of his back, and yoochun feels his fingers brush against his vertebrae, the upward ridge between the x and q, his breath soft and measured. yoochun times his breathing with his, and they slip into a lazy kind of silence. when junsu finishes following the curve of the c, yoochun asks
do you think you'll ever get one?
a tattoo?
yeah.
i dunno.
no?
the idea of putting something permanent on my body that might not be permanent bothers me.
oh. yoochun falls quiet and wonders if junsu realizes the weight of his own words.
what? you want me to tattoo 'property of yoochun' on my body? junsu teases.
no, just as long as it's already tattooed on your heart, yoochun replies.
...you're disgusting.
yoochun flips onto his back and pulls junsu on top of him, laughing, i'm only disgusting with you, baby.
you're such a liar, junsu replies, muffled, into yoochun's chest.
› › ›
getting back to their hotel room that night was even more of an adventure than usual, yoochun grappling with a locked door handle for a good minute before realizing it wasn't even their car, yunho tripping constantly over changmin gleefully and trying to take him down as well, junsu doing some complicated dance on the sidewalk and behind him, jaejoong trying to keep up.
when they all finally managed to pile into the van, junsu found himself in the back between jaejoong and yoochun, changmin and yunho up front. jaejoong opens the windows in the back all the way down and changmin yells back at him, hyung, are you stupid what if someone sees us? jaejoong turns red and hurriedly pulls them up while the rest of the van take turns laughing at him.
yoochun has his arm around junsu's waist, pulls junsu against him and brushes his lips against his temple while junsu rests his head on yoochun's shoulder. jaejoong presses himself closer to the window side but watches them, not really sober enough to hide it well. the van is suddenly overwhelmingly humid from their collective body heat, and jaejoong, clearing his throat, asks the driver to turn on the air conditioning.
when jaejoong's drunk, he's even more paranoid about the elevator than usual. whenever he's forced to ride in one, he talks constantly as though to convince himself the noise will keep them from getting stuck, the lights going out and trapping them, all of them asphyxiating to death.
so when they all reach the lobby, jaejoong stops behind them, eyes the elevator warily.
“i'm not taking the elevator.”
“not it!”
“not it!”
“not it!”
“not it what?”
“junsu, it's you!”
“you get to take jaejoong up the stairs!”
“to the the 12th floor!”
the elevator dings.
“have fun!”
“peace!”
yoochun waves at him as the elevator doors close.
junsu glares at him, then at jaejoong, who looks so grateful that junsu has to sigh, take his arm and walk to the staircase.
jaejoong trips a lot, usually a few times in a row, almost to the point where junsu wishes he could piggyback him just to get it over with. jaejoong clearly finds it amusing when the world jerks itself out from under his feet and lands him on his ass, laughs when he's on his hands and knees trying to crawl up the stairs. by the fourth floor, junsu gives up trying to be expedient about the entire thing, joins jaejoong on all fours and challenges him to a race.
they knock against each other, arms and legs flying every which way, purposely pushing and blocking in order to gain ground on the other. they're head to head by the sixth floor, and just as junsu is about to turn into another flight of stairs, jaejoong shoves him hard against the railing, knocks junsu's head painfully against the wood and before junsu can get his hand to the back of his head to rub it better, jaejoong is kissing him, noses bumping against each other, too spontaneous to even adjust the angle.
the first thing junsu thinks isn't whether he should be doing this, isn't to pull away and pretend like nothing's happened. instead, he closes his eyes and thinks of yoochun, wonders if this is the way jaejoong kisses yoochun. in the name of research, junsu adjusts his head and opens his mouth against jaejoong's and is met by a surprised, complying moan.
jaejoong tries not to admit to himself that he's been thinking about this for a really long time, that he's been fantasizing about this very outcome, awkward and perfect.
it's completely different from the first time he'd kissed yunho, planned and executed to the very last detail. jaejoong always had some sort of self-satisfaction, an innate knowledge that yunho could be manipulated easily and even though yunho would always be the responsible, no we can't do this anymore type, jaejoong had the upper hand with yunho and yes we can do this again would win out every time. with junsu it's different, and it thrills jaejoong to know that he isn't the one in charge, that playing with junsu is a little dangerous, unpredictable.
they both pull apart at the same time, jaejoong blushing furiously. he half expects junsu to crack up, burst into giggles, or god forbid, go running to yoochun so both of them can laugh the night away at his expense.
instead, junsu cocks his head slightly, looking thoughtful.
“your lips are softer than yoochun's.”
jaejoong is flooded with relief, presses his fingers against his lips and says, “are they really?”
“yeah.” junsu leans over and kisses jaejoong again, briefly. “yup, definitely softer.”
they walk up the rest of the way on two legs, jaejoong taking extra precaution not trip again, looping 'right foot, left foot' in his head so as not to embarrass himself after such an impressive showing. but jaejoong falters somewhere in the middle of the ninth floor, and junsu smiles at him, takes his hand. junsu starts humming softly, and after a couple seconds of confusion, jaejoong identifies the song and they end up harmonizing until the twelfth floor.
junsu walks jaejoong to his room, giggling while jaejoong goes through nine pockets looking for his key card. when he does manage to fish it out, it takes six swipes for him to get the green light. jaejoong half-wishes that junsu weren't so goddamn considerate as to accompany him and witness this sad spectacle.
“you got it?” junsu grins at him.
“yeah.” jaejoong says awkardly. they're standing in silence for what seems like eternity before jaejoong blurts out, “want to come in?”
“i think i'm going to call it a night.” junsu makes it sound like it's not a rejection, like he really is tired. jaejoong wonders if he's going to go to yoochun's room after this.
“oh. well. thank you for helping me.”
“anytime.”
jaejoong falls asleep half on the bed, half off the bed, wakes up to his fingers against his lips and yunho pounding on the door.
› › ›
junsu thinks the word love sounds pretty.
yoochun's first love didn't know he existed.
jaejoong falls a little in love with everyone.
› › ›
during a company mixer, yoochun catches junsu's eye but junsu glances away before he can try mouthing something to him or gesture for him to come over. yoochun watches him, unflinchingly, as junsu carries on a wonderfully professional, business-like conversation with some suit in charge of their pr, stares hard at him, trying to make junsu feel fingers on hips, shoulder underneath teeth, hands holding wrists down.
when he's finally done, junsu comes over, close and intimate, and starts to debrief him on his previous conversation. yoochun doesn't pay much attention, just stares at junsu's lips. after junsu finishes talking, yoochun looks at junsu in his entirety, his eyes silently asking how anyone could ever deny him anything.
they don't, junsu tells him behind a locked door. yoochun smiles against his lips.
› › ›
jaejoong and yoochun never really went through the 'like' phase in their relationship. they both jumped headfirst into being confidants and when they touched each other, there was no electricity of a first time with a new lover. it was comfortable, like taking a warm shower at the end of the day. there was no self-consciousness, no need to think about what the other person was thinking.
yoochun never considered himself greedy until the day junsu kissed him and he still kissed jaejoong afterwards.
› › ›
their first real fight catches them both by surprise, both not even remembering how it started. what they do remember is that an unfortunate combination of fatigue and an interview that had lasted too long led one of them to snap at the other, and the other snapped back, equally vicious.
junsu had dug his open hand against yoochun's stomach and pushed him away hard, nothing playful in the gesture. not even realizing it himself, yoochun came back at him with one arm raised and junsu retaliated in a hiss through his teeth, you better not fucking touch me. yoochun's stubborness made him answer well if you weren't asking for it. junsu's eyes had widened and he left the room slowly, almost sauntering, yoochun thought, not even bothering to slam the door.
yoochun calls junsu when he can't find him anywhere and all he wants to do is kiss him and put his hands around his waist and smell him through his t-shirt.
changmin mentions something about junsu asking about his grey hoodie a couple hours back. when junsu picks up the phone, yoochun asks him where he is, can he meet him somewhere? i'm sorry, baby. you know i would never-junsu tells him calling him baby doesn't fix everything, doesn't make him less of an asshole and hangs up on him. the second time yoochun calls, it's gotten dark and goes straight to voicemail.
i take it back, i take it back, just let me take it back, yoochun pleads with his cellphone.
› › ›
junsu doesn't return until the next morning. jaejoong is the first one to see him enter the kitchen. yunho looks up from his coffee when junsu pulls up a chair, asks him if he's alright and exempts him from the third degree. jaejoong can't help but think that if either he or yoochun had pulled a stunt along those same lines, there would have been hell to pay. but this is junsu, jaejoong thinks, junsu never does anything irresponsible like leaving without telling anyone. there was no doubt that yoochun was somehow involved.
junsu nods and begins to unenthusiastically chew on a corner of french toast. changmin pushes a glass of orange juice his way.
jaejoong leans against the stove, wants to pull junsu into a hug and tell him, hey, this is how things go. just let him say sorry, and you can roll your eyes and call him a hopeless idiot, he'll agree and kiss you breathless and then you'll forget all about it. don't stay angry at him because i'll think that i have a chance.
yoochun walks into the kitchen right as they're all cleaning up, rubbing his eyes. he stops short when he sees junsu.
"where were you?"
junsu doesn't answer.
"where were you?" yoochun repeats, this time with an edge of desperation. he looks at yunho accusingly, "did you know about this?"
"yoochun." yunho interjects, warning and fear in his voice. jaejoong looks at him in surprise, sees something flicker in yunho's eyes that he hasn't seen in a long time.
junsu gets up from his chair as if yoochun isn't even there, puts his plates in the sink next to jaejoong and starts running the water. he smiles sweetly up at him and "thanks for breakfast, hyung." yoochun scowls at them, but junsu's back is to him and jaejoong is the one who bears the brunt of it. yoochun steps towards them and yunho mirrors him, taking his elbow and pulling him back.
jaejoong takes the dishes from junsu and tells him maybe he should go get some rest for the shoot in the afternoon. junsu looks up at him and nods. jaejoong feels a twinge of guilt in the bottom of his stomach when he lets his fingers rest on junsu's a little longer than he has to.
› › ›
yoochun walks into the room, turns off the light. jaejoong looks up from the text he was about to send, surprised.
yoochun?
let's fuck.
huh? jaejoong watches, confused, as yoochun starts taking things out of the nightstand. then it dawns on him.
yoochun, look. doing this won't make junsu-
this isn't about him.
right, jaejoong mutters under his breath and yoochun only pretends not to hear.
› › ›
junsu bites his tongue and tries to keep his peace, his brain immediately jumping to worst case scenarios. the worst could be that yes, yoochun's gotten over him, never was in anything with him in the first place, and now's he finally gone back with the one he always had from the beginning. junsu was a fun little pastime that made him laugh but jaejoong was the one that he shares secrets with, the one he fucks.
junsu isn't usually one to color himself fatalistic, but the way yoochun doesn't meet his eyes, pulls a crumpled t-shirt over his head and down across his chest, his lips looking kiss-swollen, junsu thinks it's all over.
he starts looking around for something that might dull the pain of realization for more than a few minutes, not just an ipod or a nice video game where he can blow up little computer animated soldiers that all look remarkably like yoochun. he comes up empty.
junsu thinks maybe he just wants another apology from yoochun.
it all gets a little too real a little too fast when jaejoong walks towards him with only a pair of sweatpants on.
jaejoong places a hand on his shoulder, the musk of sex unmistakable, asks him
"are you hungry? do you want me to make you something?"
junsu shakes his head tersely, no, you slut, junsu thinks, then immediately regrets it, files away that particular brand of guilt to the back of his mind and swallows.
he continues clicking the mouse in rapid succession. casualty. casualty. casualty. jaejoong hesitates for a moment, sees how junsu's hand is curled around the mouse before he heads to the kitchen and starts taking out pots and pans.
junsu sees yoochun in the corner of his eye, switches from his semi-automatic to an assault rifle.
by the time jaejoong's finishes measuring out the rice into the rice cooker, junsu's already beat his high score.
i can be bad too.
› › ›
i know you want this, junsu tells him.
no, i don't, jaejoong replies, with as much conviction he can muster.
you do it with yoochun. how is it any different with me? junsu says, painfully artless, straightforward.
it's not the same.
but you're always coming on to me.
jaejoong winces.
well, uh, that's-i'm drunk most of the time.
do you want to drink? will it make it easier? we can.
jaejoong wonders how junsu can look so innocent when he's pretty much openly inviting him to have sex.
junsu closes the space between them, puts his hand on jaejoong's belt buckle, starts undoing it. this is what you want to do, right hyung?
jaejoong is frozen in place, sure that's he passed the point of no return. junsu pulls down his zipper, puts his hand against jaejoong, hesitant and firm. can i kiss you? junsu asks after a couple moments. then says in a voice that makes jaejoong's mouth dry, blushing, i'm really good at it.
all he can do is nod.
junsu presses his mouth against his, and it's nothing like the first time. there's nothing experimental and restrained about this, all open-mouthed, slow and torturous. junsu wasn't kidding.
junsu puts his hands on jaejoong's shoulders but jaejoong's arms are stuck to his side, and he's at a loss about what to do with them. putting them around junsu's waist or his neck seems too much like usurping yoochun's place, like pretending to be someone to junsu that he's clearly not. before he can think too much about it, junsu pulls away,
"sit on the bed."
jaejoong walks backwards until the the back of his knees hit something soft and he falls back. junsu kneels in front of him, pulls off his trousers and briefs. jaejoong gasps when junsu takes most of him in his mouth on the first try, wasting no time with foreplay. it almost seems like he's trying to get him off as quickly as possible. jaejoong feels like a customer, like he's paid junsu to do this, never mind that he came to him first and never mind that jaejoong never technically said yes.
jaejoong tries not to consider the ramifications of that thought.
he braces himself against the bed with both hands, not daring to touch junsu's hair.
junsu uses his hand to draw out the last of jaejoong's orgasm.
when he gets up off his knees, junsu takes off his shirt and jaejoong, through the dim haze of just finished sex, beckons junsu to come over. but junsu just wipes off his hand on the fabric and starts to leave the room.
"wait!"
"yeah?"
"let me-let me at least do something for you. come here, i can-"
"you don't have to."
jaejoong knows that he's being used, neither of them being terribly subtle about it.
› › ›
but you guys have had fights before. out of anyone, you two should be the ones to just laugh it off.
yeah, but when you love-when you're in love with someone, everything changes. i know we were friends first, but now we're something else. and that something else is so intense that sometimes i lay in my bed and i can't stop my heart from pounding. now when he says something, i hear something else. when he touches me, i feel something else. when he's angry with me, i want to cut open my chest if that would mean him forgiving me.
just say sorry.
i did.
say it again.
he doesn't want to hear it.
he wants to hear it more than you think.
that's why he's fucking around with you, huh?
look-
no, it's okay. i'm not going to be a hypocrite about it.
it's not that.
then?
you need to figure out what you're doing with him. you can't leave it hanging.
i never had to define anything with you.
you know that's not the same.
i'm.
what?
nothing.
(i'm scared he means more to me than i mean to him.)
› › ›
jaejoong politely declined the dinner invitation, said that he had a headache and wanted to stay at home.
changmin had made a big production of trying to get junsu to come, singing high praise of the restaurant's food, the way they had free refills of everything. it was almost as if. as if he just wanted to get junsu out of the house, to get him in the same room as yoochun. but junsu had shook his head, resolute, no, okay. i'm not going. yoochun had left the room ten minutes ago, said that he'd be downstairs waiting. yunho tried too, saying, junsu, you sure you don't want to come?
when the door clicks shut, junsu waits a minute before turning to jaejoong, touching him with a careful, concentrated precision. jaejoong tries to say something then immediately reconsiders because even though he can't talk to junsu, can't say anything that won't make him like a complete idiot. but he can kiss him with intent, can let his fingers speak the words that he can't really say.
jaejoong walks into the bedroom and junsu seems shy now. there's none of the bravado of the previous night, nothing of the steamroller that had ran him over, had left him crushed and winded.
"is there something wrong?"
"oh. no." junsu shakes himself out of his thoughts, smiles and sits on the bed.
with his fingers, jaejoong follows outline of junsu's cupid bow, slowly rounding the curve of mouth against the lower lip. he doesn't waste any time about wondering whether or not he can place his hand against his hip, against his cheek because junsu is here and jaejoong is willing to forget for a few hours that he isn't really his, is just a convenient substitute.
jaejoong is gentle and purposeful, savouring the slow burn of flesh against flesh, kissing the insides of junsu's wrists, the hollow of his throat. junsu presses his hips against his, arches his shoulders upwards. jaejoong looks up to kiss him, but he finds junsu's head twisted to the side, against the pillow, eyes squeezed shut. jaejoong gets up, the reality of the situation jolting through him.
"why are you here, junsu? what are you doing?"
i-i want you to be my first, junsu whispers.
jaejoong can feel the desire shoot all the way down to his toes, white-hot down to the base of his spine, to the suffocating beating pulse in his throat. jaejoong runs his tongue across the seam of junsu's lips, junsu's mouth opening easily, and jaejoong thinks, oh god, i don't deserve this, i don't deserve this, i don't deserve this.
junsu doesn't speak through the rest of it, communicates to jaejoong with moans and whimpers, mapping out the press-stops into a recognizable rhythm. junsu comes seconds after jaejoong, a breathless keening sound around his fingers.
junsu doesn't get up immediately and jaejoong lies next to him, unsure about whether or not he should try to hold him.
"was it okay?"
junsu gives him a small smile, presses a kiss to his jaw.
"yeah. thanks hyung."
jaejoong relives it the rest of the night, closes his eyes and imagines it's just him and junsu, ghosts his fingers across the creases of the sheets far after he's left and waits for a night after, for hands against skin, for blushes spread through large patches of traffic-lit skin, for the small bits of remembering and for everything else but.
› › ›
i can taste him on you, yoochun says.
› › ›
you should stop, yunho tells him.
jaejoong acts like he has no idea what he's talking about. yunho looks down, continues.
just-just because we didn't work out doesn't mean that you have to keep them apart.
oh so now it's okay, huh. why the sudden change of heart? jaejoong snarls, unable to keep the frustration, anger out of his voice.
i want to be brave for them the way i couldn't be brave for you, yunho answers.
› › ›
it isn't like yoochun doesn't know what happened with yunho and jaejoong. jaejoong fucked up good with yunho. but they both had enabled each other. it wasn't jaejoong's fault that yunho had been the one to finally realize limits long after they had been crossed.
but yoochun's had more than his fair share of fuck-ups and junsu's one name he doesn't want to add to the list. so he goes to jaejoong after junsu leaves, before jaejoong's fully come down, before jaejoong's clear-headed enough to push him away and touches him vicariously, kisses him like he would junsu and and thinks maybe this way he won't hurt junsu, won't hurt himself.
it isn't like junsu doesn't know what happened between yunho and jaejoong. he just didn't think he'd ever be stupid enough to be in their place.
but yoochun makes him feel like he's too familiar to ask, too cocky to leave, makes his fingers shake.
junsu knows what he's doing, and if jaejoong won't say no, he won't either.