Fathers of Daughters 1/1 Oz: Beecher/Stabler - Someone Like You bonus track
Fathers of Daughters
by Dr Squidlove
drsquidlove@livejournal.com
Toby is reminded that being a dad is much more difficult than it looks in the brochures, and that Elliot's pretty much faking it, too.
This is a brief bonus-piece to Someone Like You http://drsquidlove.livejournal.com/56096.html. It will make sense without reading that story, but you probably won't care what's going on unless you did. (Ha! This isn't what y'all were expecting when you asked for extra bits. Suckers!)
Beecher/Stabler
But really this is a Toby and Holly piece. Elliot's just hanging out on the edges.
Rated a mild R, for a little groping. No violence.
Wordcount: 4330
Oz is the property of Tom Fontana and HBO. Law & Order: SVU is the property of Dick Wolf and NBC. The characters are used without permission, but with much appreciation.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
"Dad! What are you doing?"
"You wanted me to colour in the forest areas."
Holly snatched the pencil out of his hand. "Deciduous forest is pink, not green. Green is grasslands."
The key turned in the door and they both looked up, Holly beating him to "Hey, Elliot."
Toby added a "Hi."
"Hi." Elliot hung his coat and pushed off his knitted cap, ruffling his hair. "It's freezing out there."
"How was drinks?"
A strange smile crept over his face. "It was good. I told Olivia happy birthday from both of you."
"Is something funny?"
"Liv was drinking San Pellegrino."
"Really?" That was intriguing. "Maybe she didn't feel like a drink?"
Elliot snorted. "On her birthday? Liv thinks wine is one of the five food groups."
"That's intriguing."
"Yes."
"What's intriguing?" asked Holly, staring at each of them like they were crazy.
Toby just bopped her on the head with a book. "Secret fathers' business."
"I'm just going to..." Elliot waved towards the bedroom.
"Sure."
Elliot headed through, and Toby sorted through the print-outs until he found the colour key he was supposed to be copying from. "You like geography?"
"Yeah." She was making notes about ecosystems on a yellow legal pad in her careful loopy writing. "How come you didn't go to Olivia's birthday party?"
An evening at a bar holding Elliot's hand in front of all the cops and prosecutors he worked with? That day was a long way off. "It was a police-thing, for the people she used to work with."
"When is she going back to work?"
"It's going to be a little while longer." Maybe quite a while, if Elliot was right.
"How come you and Elliot never go out with friends?"
Toby stared at her, bemused. "I don't have many friends." Neither did Elliot, come to think of it. "We have our families."
"You should have friends." She flipped a page, and started taking notes on deserts, highlighting anything about cute animals.
Toby really hadn't felt any particular hole in his life. He was full up on family and fucking, these days. "Maybe we'll have Olivia over for dinner soon."
"Sure."
Elliot came out in sweats and a long sleeved t-shirt that hugged his chest nicely. Why would Toby want to go out with other people, when he could stay home and stare at that? Elliot wandered over to lay a hand on Toby's shoulder and chat about the homework project filling up the dining table, gave Toby a quick kiss and then seemed happy enough to sit on the couch and watch TV. He turned on Jeopardy, looked over at Toby and Holly doing her homework and switched to football. No chance of distracting Holly with sports.
Toby obediently coloured in until Holly excused herself to the bathroom, and then he headed straight for the couch, sliding in beside Elliot for a real kiss, and a grope. Sweatpants weren't the sexiest thing to look at, but Toby loved the easy access. "Hey."
"Hey." Elliot was smiling.
Toby's fingers played over the soft package, feeling it stir. "Did she say..."
"No, she didn't say anything."
"Has she talked about it at all since Thanksgiving?"
"No."
Toby drew a finger back down. "And you're too chickenshit to ask her."
Elliot smiled more. "Yeah."
No time for a hand job now, so Toby turned and leaned back, and Elliot slid an arm over his shoulders. It was heavy and it twisted Toby's spine a little, but he was happy to stay right here. It was definitely time to have Olivia over to dinner, and then Toby would ask her himself.
Elliot was absorbed in the chatter of the sportscasters, the helmetted guys milling around while the coaches pointed and yelled. Toby was absorbed in the weight of Elliot's arm, in the heat pressed to his side, the fresh-showered scent of him. Elliot was here as often as he was home these days. He'd probably be here most nights, if his family was closer. Toby wouldn't mind that.
"What happened to Holly?"
Toby opened his eyes. "She went to the bathroom." But that was... ten minutes ago, at least. "I'll go check on her." He pushed himself out of Elliot's warmth and headed to the hallway. The bathroom door was closed. "Holly, you okay in there?" Silence, and worry curled in Toby's gut. "Holly?"
"Go away."
Toby stepped back. She'd never, ever told him to go away. He was torn between slamming in and not wanting to intrude. "Is something wrong?" Through the door he heard her whimper, and his decision was made. "Are you decent? I'm coming in. Okay?" Another choked sound, but Toby forced himself to wait a couple of seconds, in case she wanted to fix her clothes. "I'm coming in now." He turned the handle and opened the door to find her fully dressed and backed up against the sink. As soon as he saw her streaked red face he reached for her but Holly jerked away, clutching her elbows, and he was left standing helpless as she broke into sobs. "What is it, Hol? What's wrong?" The gates opened, and she was sobbing and shaking, turning away from him. He didn't know what to do, had no idea where this had come from. Everything was fine fifteen minutes ago. He reached again and caught himself, dug his fingernails into his palms. It was torture, standing back and watching Holly cry but he forced himself to wait until she was down to hiccups. "Please talk to me."
"I want Gran."
It shouldn't have hurt, but it did. "She's up in Boston."
"I want her."
Toby sat on the edge of the bath. "You're stuck with me, baby. Are you sick?"
She wouldn't answer, and Toby's panic ratcheted up. "Are you in pain?"
"I don't want you! I want Gran."
"Holly-"
She jerked away as he reached. "Leave me alone."
"Hol-"
"Please!"
Toby raised his hands, terrified that this was about to get out of control. "Okay." No way in hell could he leave her alone. His own eyes were stinging, and his throat burned. "What if I call her? Can I get her on the phone? How about that?"
Holly sniffled and nodded, rolled off a great wad of toilet paper to wipe her nose. Toby stood, relief making his knees weak. Something he could do. Someone else who could fix this.
Toby went out to the living room to grab his phone, found Elliot sitting at the table checking out Holly's map sketches. Elliot stood and pulled Toby straight into his arms, and Toby latched on. Thank god he could hug someone. He squeezed hard, like Holly's terrible secret might pop out of Elliot, but Elliot just hugged him back. "Is she okay?"
Toby held on for half a minute, and then he had to let go. "She won't tell me what's wrong, she won't let me touch her, she won't come out of the bathroom; she just keeps asking for my mother. I don't know what to do." His voice was shaking.
Elliot blinked twice, and the worry dissolved into something that was close enough to a smile to piss Toby off.
"What?"
"Your twelve year-old girl won't leave the bathroom, and wants to talk to a woman?"
"Yeah."
Elliot just kept on looking at him, like he was some kind of idiot.
Toby parsed the sentence again: twelve, girl, bathroom, woman... And it all fell into place. "No..." Holly? But she was only... "This is the age?"
"Give or take. Elizabeth was twelve. Kathleen was ten."
But Toby had only just caught up with the tween years, and now they were rocketing into adolescence?
"You weren't ready for this, Toby?"
"Who's ready for this?"
Elliot turned sheepish. "Okay, no one."
Toby definitely wasn't. He wasn't ready for Holly to grow up, and he wasn't ready to do... whatever a parent was supposed to do about this. "I spent the last eight years worrying about Nazis, not tampons." Toby pulled out his phone. "I have to call my mother." He really didn't want to talk to his mother about this stuff, either, but he sure as hell couldn't be the one to go back in the bathroom.
Elliot took the phone out of his hand and pushed it back in Toby's pocket. "No, Toby, you have to talk to Holly."
He couldn't. Not about this. "This is something a mother is supposed to deal with."
"You have to be her mother. You were married for long enough and saw your wife through three pregnancies; you know what you need to know."
Toby was one hundred percent sure that wasn't true. "Did you have to talk to yours?"
Elliot opened his mouth and closed it again. "No, Kathy always took point on that one, thank god."
Of course she did. "Do you think we could invite her over?"
He sat at the table, serious face, and Toby sat beside him. "Kathy took point, but I was out-numbered. It was a girls' house. I've been sent out to buy girl-things."
Not the same. Toby would have gladly done a run to CVS while someone else explained things to Holly.
"Holly already learned about this stuff, right?"
Toby rubbed his face as he wracked his brain. Surely someone had... "Yeah, Mother said she watched the movie at school, and I think Mother talked to her about it."
Elliot nudged one of Holly's sketches. "There's a big difference between drawing maps and moving to Texas."
"No kidding."
"So how you react right now, you're either going to teach her that her body is embarrassing and awful, or that this is an exciting part of growing up."
"No pressure, then." Toby hated that he was right. "I need to buy a book."
"While Holly hides in the bathroom for the next hour?"
"Are you sure we can't call Kathy?"
Elliot leaned over to brush a kiss over his lips. "Go talk to your girl."
Yeah. Toby didn't know what to say, but in the last year and a half he'd figured out that he never did. The best plan was show up, and muddle through. He took a handful of Elliot's shirt and tugged him in for another kiss. "I'd just like to point out that in the midst of your smug, plain-speaking feminist pep-talk, you called tampons 'girl-things'."
"Shut up."
Toby kissed him again. "Can I ask a favour?"
"Sure."
"Can you go buy her some girl-things?"
Elliot's face only screwed up for a moment, but it was enough to reassure Toby that Elliot was only pretending to be this easy-going about it to calm him down. That peek at the repressed straight-ish guy Toby knew and loved was comforting.
Elliot pulled on a coat and headed out, and Toby paused at the bathroom door to steel himself. This had to be the first time he'd ever wished he was facing Nazis instead of his own daughter. He knew he was being ridiculous: however bad he screwed this up, nobody was going to end up in the infirmary, and once they got through this crushingly embarrassing conversation, they'd be stronger for it.
Or maybe they'd never look each other in the eye again.
He knocked. They were going to be stronger after this. "Holly, it's me." He gave her a couple of seconds and let himself in.
She was sitting on the closed toilet. Two seconds of hope, until she saw he didn't have a phone in hand, and then she slumped, miserable again.
Toby sat on the edge of the bath, and reminded himself he was thirty-eight years old. Also, that he was going to use adult words. "Holly, did you get your period?"
She flushed from her neck to the tips of her ears, eyes wide and horrified.
"You know that's perfectly normal, right? You're growing up. Right on schedule."
Her gaze snapped back to the tiles. "I want Gran."
"I'm sorry. You're stuck with me." He waited, but nothing, and for the first time in years, Genevieve's absence swept through him like a sudden gust of icy wind. "I wish your mother was here. She'd be so excited and happy to share this with you."
"Happy?"
"Of course! This is supposed to be a mother-daughter thing. You're joining the... the sisterhood of women."
"Great." She didn't sound enthusiastic.
"Tonight it's just going to be you and me. Do you have any questions?"
She wrinkled her nose, but at least she was looking at him, now. "You're a boy."
"That's true, but I'm not completely useless." He wasn't sure he'd ever felt as much of a stupid boy as he did right now. "I know twelve year-old boys are aliens. This is a secret girl thing and you'd never talk about it with boys your age, but grown-ups are different. When you're older, and you have a boyfriend of your own, it's something you'll talk about with him. It won't feel embarrassing anymore."
She shot him a look of total disbelief.
"Your mother and I used to keep track of her periods together on a big calendar when we were trying to have you and your brothers. A great big poster on the wall, coloured-in with Sharpies."
Her doubt barely shifted. "Really?"
"Of course. And when you start having children, your partner is going to know about way messier things than menstruation." He gave himself a gold star for using the word. "So if you want to ask me anything..."
"But you're a-"
"Try me. The worst I can say is, 'I don't know.'" He was sure there were plenty of things he didn't know, but a twelve year-old's questions couldn't be too complicated. Maybe. He'd use the internet if he had to.
Her breath caught, and she shuddered, and Toby dug his fingernails into his thumbs to stop himself from reaching for her. "I hate..." Her voice dropped so low, Toby barely heard, "blood."
Toby's gut clenched. Of course she did. She got queasy at a nose bleed, and now she was going to face this every month. "I know you do." He chewed his lip, searching for magical hand-waving something. "You know it's different to if you cut yourself, right? Do you remember what you learned at school, about-"
"Yes."
He went on anyway. "This is lining that was in your uterus to wait for a baby, and now it's done, your body is getting rid of waste, just like when you pee, or, or, you know. Poo." Toby was pretty sure he hadn't even thought the word 'uterus' since Harry was a newborn.
"I don't want to be ready for a baby."
"That makes two of us." Talking about Holly's body being ready for a baby was making him feel seriously seasick. "And it isn't. It's just... getting used to the idea. This is your body checking the pantry to make sure it's got all the ingredients. Actually cooking dinner is a long way off."
She huffed, and shot him a scathing look from the corner of her eye, and Toby smiled.
It would have been easier to push off the subject, but he couldn't leave Holly worrying alone, so he tracked back, forced himself to think his way through. "I know it looks just like normal blood at first, but after a day or two it changes colour, and it doesn't." He shrugged at her surprise. "I told you, once you're in a real relationship with someone you love, there's nothing much left that's private or embarrassing." Genevieve loved sex during her period, and she spent six months dealing with a seriously gross rash on her toes, and she could fart louder than Toby, but Toby wasn't going to tell Holly any of that. Or about the things Genevieve had known about Toby. "How about you get through this first time, just find out what actually happens, and if it's really hard, we'll talk about it, find a way to deal with it in the future."
After a long moment, she nodded.
He reached out, and she let him take her hand. "This is a big day, Holly. It's like getting your driver's licence, or graduating. We should celebrate. "
"That's silly."
"No, baby, it's not. This is special and wonderful. Do you want me to send Elliot home, do something with just the two of us?"
"You'd do that?"
"Of course." He wouldn't hesitate. "Holly, you will always come first with me."
She smiled.
"You and Harry."
She wrinkled her nose, but the smile didn't completely disappear. She slid her hand free, finally sitting up straight. "What do you want to do?"
"We could dress up nice and go out to dinner?"
That wiped the smile away. "I don't want to go out."
Okay, yeah, he could understand her not wanting to leave the house yet. "We could make popcorn, curl up on the couch and watch a girl power movie."
"Like?"
"Dirty Dancing? A young woman, coming of age..."
Holly folded her arms as her eyebrows climbed. "You want to watch Dirty Dancing?"
"No." No man ever wanted to watch Dirty Dancing. Not even curled up under a blanket with his daughter, mourning her childhood. "I just thought, if you did?"
She didn't seem sold on the idea.
Toby wished there was a woman around, or even a big sister. Or... "Would you like to have Kelly and Aisha over?" They were only a year older, but there was a decent chance at least one of them had already started her period. Toby really wanted to stop thinking about young girls and their reproductive systems.
"To sleep over?" She definitely perked up at that. "But it's a school night."
"I'll call their mothers. Maybe we can make an exception for a special occasion." He heard the click of the front door. "Do you have any..." He barely caught himself from saying 'girl-things'. "Did Gran give you any tampons?"
She shook her head.
No wonder she didn't want to go out - she'd probably just stuffed a pile of toilet paper down there, humiliated at the idea of telling Toby she needed something. "Give me a minute."
Toby kissed the top of her head and went out to find Elliot, who pointed at a plastic bag sitting on top of Holly's geography homework. She'd been a little girl when she started that project. Toby picked up the bag, peeked inside. There were a couple of different brands of pads, that his boyfriend had bought for his twelve year-old daughter, and now he was back to feeling icky. Though maybe that was okay, because it made him realise that it hadn't felt icky talking to Holly. It had been a pretty good talk.
"You only bought pads?"
"That's what Kathy bought for our girls when they started. Something about, about the other things taking practise, or... something that I didn't want to know about."
"Okay." Toby didn't want to know either. "I'll be back in a minute." He took the bag in to Holly. "Here you go. Are you okay to figure this out by yourself?"
"Yes." She blushed again, not reaching for the bag, so he put it down on the counter by the sink. Her head jerked up, blush turning to a frown. "Where did these...? Oh my god, Elliot knows?"
"Elliot was married too, remember? And he has three girls older than you. It's not embarrassing to him, either." Not much.
"Why don't you put it on a billboard!" She covered her face. "This is so humiliating!"
"Hol." Toby stepped close, and this time he wasn't going to let her shake him off. He pushed her hands away, cupped her cheeks and lifted her face. "I'm so proud of you right now, I would put it on a billboard if I didn't think you'd kill me. I can't wait to see the woman you're growing into." He pressed his lips to his forehead and kept them there a long time, stroking a hand down her braid when he finally let go.
Her eyes were glassy, and it made him want to kiss her again. She took a breath. "I don't mind if he stays."
"All right."
"He won't say anything, will he?"
"I promise." Toby was sure that would be just fine with Elliot. He headed for the door.
"Dad?"
"Yeah?"
"I'm okay with this being a father-daughter thing."
Toby doubled back and dragged her into a hug. "Thank you. I love you, Hol." He left her to figure things out, closed the bathroom door and wandered over to the dining table, dropping into the seat next to Elliot.
"You survived?"
"I just had a conversation with my twelve year-old daughter about her uterus."
Elliot couldn't help his shudder. So much for Mr Sensitive New Age Dad.
"There's going to be an invasion of girls. I guess tonight's the night we find out if Kelly and Aisha's parents mind them sleeping over in the care of a single father." He'd never offered, because it seemed better not to know. Toby reached for his phone, glad to feel Elliot's solid hand on his back. He called Kelly's mother Madeleine first, and as soon as she heard why, she offered to call Aisha's mother and bring both girls, no hesitation at all. Toby heaved a sigh of relief.
Elliot rubbed Toby's back. "I guess I should get going."
Toby wanted to tie him down. Holly had just aged ten years in five minutes and then picked her friends over him. Toby wanted company. "I understand if you want to, but you don't have to. They're not going to think anything of me having another guy over to share popcorn and watch the game." Toby nodded towards the TV, where some new football team was playing some other football team, sound turned low. They might think it was suspicious if they knew how little Toby cared about sports, but he was sure two teenage girls didn't spare him that much thought at all.
They both looked up as the bathroom door finally opened, but a second later Holly's door closed. "I remember that," said Elliot.
Toby wished she was coming out to curl under a blanket with him and watch Patrick Swayze. "It's very important to her that you in no way acknowledge that you know what happened tonight."
Elliot snorted. "I can do that."
Toby moved some papers around, tidying up Holly's homework. It wasn't due for a few more days, so she could take care of it tomorrow. Elliot watched him thoughtfully, until Toby met his gaze and waited.
Elliot stood and pulled Toby over to the couch, sitting him down and tugging him close. "You look happy."
Toby leaned into him. He was. "I missed Holly's first day of kindergarten. Losing all her baby teeth, the six months she took ballet when she was five." Eight birthdays. "I'm not going to be the one to talk Harry through puberty. Gary never got a chance to learn about changing bodies at all, or sex or... so much." Every milestone Holly hit was one that Gary had lost.
Elliot's arm tightened around him. "That doesn't sound like much to be happy about."
"But I have this. I don't think a lot of dads get to share this with their daughters."
"I think you're right."
"I love what I have with Holly."
Lips touched his neck. "You should be proud of it."
Toby was. He was really proud of this. "But Mother's going to be the one to take her bra shopping."
Elliot snorted, and turned up the volume on the game. Toby settled in. This was no father-daughter movie night, but it was pretty nice.
No time at all seemed to pass before the front door buzzer buzzed.
Toby and Elliot jumped apart, and then shared wry smiles. Elliot arranged himself innocently on one end of the couch while Toby got up to hit the door button, and then opened the apartment door and waited for everyone to climb the stairs. "Thanks for this, Madeleine."
"No trouble, Toby."
The girls trooped in. Kelly grinned. "Hey Mr Beecher!" She was carrying a plastic bag, and it looked like more pads, maybe whatever brand was cool with seventh-graders these days.
"Hi Mr Beecher. Hollyyyyyy!" Aisha dove past and threw her arms around Holly, and Holly looked genuinely happy for the first time tonight.
Holly waved back at the couch. "That's Dad's boyfriend, Elliot."
"Hey Elliot," the girls chorused, already forgetting him on their way through to Holly's room.
Elliot looked like a cartoon of a guy who'd just sat on a cactus.
Toby wondered if he did, too. What if Madeleine yanked the girls home again?
Madeleine glided over to the couch to offer her hand. "Hi Elliot. I'm Maddy. I'm Kelly's mom."
Elliot scrambled up, graceless enough that Toby nearly laughed. "Hi."
They shook, and Madeleine turned to Toby. "You boys will be all right to get the three of them to school tomorrow?"
Toby couldn't look at Elliot. "Yeah."
"Three is a lot harder than one."
"I, I have, um, four," said Elliot.
She grinned. "Then I'll leave them in your capable hands. Have a good night."
"Thanks for bringing them over," said Toby, as he saw her out, and then leaned back against the closed door, trying not to smile. "Guess we never talked to Holly about that."
Elliot was still wide-eyed. "Guess not."
It wouldn't have mattered; Toby wouldn't ever have asked her to keep Elliot a secret. He'd placed enough burdens on her already. "I guess we forgot she isn't as uncomfortable and repressed as we are."
"Yeah." Elliot rubbed both hands over his face. "That's a good thing, right?"
Toby slid over and wrapped his arms around Elliot, hoping the girls would stay locked in Holly's room for the moment. "I'm pretty sure it is."
___
end
I love hearing from readers. Does anyone not love hearing from readers? If so, they are strange, and their ways should not ruin fanfic land for the rest of us.
The complete Squidfic can be found at
The Lecherous Tentacles of Dr Squidlove
http://members.iinet.net.au/~tentacles/squidfic.html
by Dr Squidlove
drsquidlove@livejournal.com
Toby is reminded that being a dad is much more difficult than it looks in the brochures, and that Elliot's pretty much faking it, too.
This is a brief bonus-piece to Someone Like You http://drsquidlove.livejournal.com/56096.html. It will make sense without reading that story, but you probably won't care what's going on unless you did. (Ha! This isn't what y'all were expecting when you asked for extra bits. Suckers!)
Beecher/Stabler
But really this is a Toby and Holly piece. Elliot's just hanging out on the edges.
Rated a mild R, for a little groping. No violence.
Wordcount: 4330
Oz is the property of Tom Fontana and HBO. Law & Order: SVU is the property of Dick Wolf and NBC. The characters are used without permission, but with much appreciation.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
"Dad! What are you doing?"
"You wanted me to colour in the forest areas."
Holly snatched the pencil out of his hand. "Deciduous forest is pink, not green. Green is grasslands."
The key turned in the door and they both looked up, Holly beating him to "Hey, Elliot."
Toby added a "Hi."
"Hi." Elliot hung his coat and pushed off his knitted cap, ruffling his hair. "It's freezing out there."
"How was drinks?"
A strange smile crept over his face. "It was good. I told Olivia happy birthday from both of you."
"Is something funny?"
"Liv was drinking San Pellegrino."
"Really?" That was intriguing. "Maybe she didn't feel like a drink?"
Elliot snorted. "On her birthday? Liv thinks wine is one of the five food groups."
"That's intriguing."
"Yes."
"What's intriguing?" asked Holly, staring at each of them like they were crazy.
Toby just bopped her on the head with a book. "Secret fathers' business."
"I'm just going to..." Elliot waved towards the bedroom.
"Sure."
Elliot headed through, and Toby sorted through the print-outs until he found the colour key he was supposed to be copying from. "You like geography?"
"Yeah." She was making notes about ecosystems on a yellow legal pad in her careful loopy writing. "How come you didn't go to Olivia's birthday party?"
An evening at a bar holding Elliot's hand in front of all the cops and prosecutors he worked with? That day was a long way off. "It was a police-thing, for the people she used to work with."
"When is she going back to work?"
"It's going to be a little while longer." Maybe quite a while, if Elliot was right.
"How come you and Elliot never go out with friends?"
Toby stared at her, bemused. "I don't have many friends." Neither did Elliot, come to think of it. "We have our families."
"You should have friends." She flipped a page, and started taking notes on deserts, highlighting anything about cute animals.
Toby really hadn't felt any particular hole in his life. He was full up on family and fucking, these days. "Maybe we'll have Olivia over for dinner soon."
"Sure."
Elliot came out in sweats and a long sleeved t-shirt that hugged his chest nicely. Why would Toby want to go out with other people, when he could stay home and stare at that? Elliot wandered over to lay a hand on Toby's shoulder and chat about the homework project filling up the dining table, gave Toby a quick kiss and then seemed happy enough to sit on the couch and watch TV. He turned on Jeopardy, looked over at Toby and Holly doing her homework and switched to football. No chance of distracting Holly with sports.
Toby obediently coloured in until Holly excused herself to the bathroom, and then he headed straight for the couch, sliding in beside Elliot for a real kiss, and a grope. Sweatpants weren't the sexiest thing to look at, but Toby loved the easy access. "Hey."
"Hey." Elliot was smiling.
Toby's fingers played over the soft package, feeling it stir. "Did she say..."
"No, she didn't say anything."
"Has she talked about it at all since Thanksgiving?"
"No."
Toby drew a finger back down. "And you're too chickenshit to ask her."
Elliot smiled more. "Yeah."
No time for a hand job now, so Toby turned and leaned back, and Elliot slid an arm over his shoulders. It was heavy and it twisted Toby's spine a little, but he was happy to stay right here. It was definitely time to have Olivia over to dinner, and then Toby would ask her himself.
Elliot was absorbed in the chatter of the sportscasters, the helmetted guys milling around while the coaches pointed and yelled. Toby was absorbed in the weight of Elliot's arm, in the heat pressed to his side, the fresh-showered scent of him. Elliot was here as often as he was home these days. He'd probably be here most nights, if his family was closer. Toby wouldn't mind that.
"What happened to Holly?"
Toby opened his eyes. "She went to the bathroom." But that was... ten minutes ago, at least. "I'll go check on her." He pushed himself out of Elliot's warmth and headed to the hallway. The bathroom door was closed. "Holly, you okay in there?" Silence, and worry curled in Toby's gut. "Holly?"
"Go away."
Toby stepped back. She'd never, ever told him to go away. He was torn between slamming in and not wanting to intrude. "Is something wrong?" Through the door he heard her whimper, and his decision was made. "Are you decent? I'm coming in. Okay?" Another choked sound, but Toby forced himself to wait a couple of seconds, in case she wanted to fix her clothes. "I'm coming in now." He turned the handle and opened the door to find her fully dressed and backed up against the sink. As soon as he saw her streaked red face he reached for her but Holly jerked away, clutching her elbows, and he was left standing helpless as she broke into sobs. "What is it, Hol? What's wrong?" The gates opened, and she was sobbing and shaking, turning away from him. He didn't know what to do, had no idea where this had come from. Everything was fine fifteen minutes ago. He reached again and caught himself, dug his fingernails into his palms. It was torture, standing back and watching Holly cry but he forced himself to wait until she was down to hiccups. "Please talk to me."
"I want Gran."
It shouldn't have hurt, but it did. "She's up in Boston."
"I want her."
Toby sat on the edge of the bath. "You're stuck with me, baby. Are you sick?"
She wouldn't answer, and Toby's panic ratcheted up. "Are you in pain?"
"I don't want you! I want Gran."
"Holly-"
She jerked away as he reached. "Leave me alone."
"Hol-"
"Please!"
Toby raised his hands, terrified that this was about to get out of control. "Okay." No way in hell could he leave her alone. His own eyes were stinging, and his throat burned. "What if I call her? Can I get her on the phone? How about that?"
Holly sniffled and nodded, rolled off a great wad of toilet paper to wipe her nose. Toby stood, relief making his knees weak. Something he could do. Someone else who could fix this.
Toby went out to the living room to grab his phone, found Elliot sitting at the table checking out Holly's map sketches. Elliot stood and pulled Toby straight into his arms, and Toby latched on. Thank god he could hug someone. He squeezed hard, like Holly's terrible secret might pop out of Elliot, but Elliot just hugged him back. "Is she okay?"
Toby held on for half a minute, and then he had to let go. "She won't tell me what's wrong, she won't let me touch her, she won't come out of the bathroom; she just keeps asking for my mother. I don't know what to do." His voice was shaking.
Elliot blinked twice, and the worry dissolved into something that was close enough to a smile to piss Toby off.
"What?"
"Your twelve year-old girl won't leave the bathroom, and wants to talk to a woman?"
"Yeah."
Elliot just kept on looking at him, like he was some kind of idiot.
Toby parsed the sentence again: twelve, girl, bathroom, woman... And it all fell into place. "No..." Holly? But she was only... "This is the age?"
"Give or take. Elizabeth was twelve. Kathleen was ten."
But Toby had only just caught up with the tween years, and now they were rocketing into adolescence?
"You weren't ready for this, Toby?"
"Who's ready for this?"
Elliot turned sheepish. "Okay, no one."
Toby definitely wasn't. He wasn't ready for Holly to grow up, and he wasn't ready to do... whatever a parent was supposed to do about this. "I spent the last eight years worrying about Nazis, not tampons." Toby pulled out his phone. "I have to call my mother." He really didn't want to talk to his mother about this stuff, either, but he sure as hell couldn't be the one to go back in the bathroom.
Elliot took the phone out of his hand and pushed it back in Toby's pocket. "No, Toby, you have to talk to Holly."
He couldn't. Not about this. "This is something a mother is supposed to deal with."
"You have to be her mother. You were married for long enough and saw your wife through three pregnancies; you know what you need to know."
Toby was one hundred percent sure that wasn't true. "Did you have to talk to yours?"
Elliot opened his mouth and closed it again. "No, Kathy always took point on that one, thank god."
Of course she did. "Do you think we could invite her over?"
He sat at the table, serious face, and Toby sat beside him. "Kathy took point, but I was out-numbered. It was a girls' house. I've been sent out to buy girl-things."
Not the same. Toby would have gladly done a run to CVS while someone else explained things to Holly.
"Holly already learned about this stuff, right?"
Toby rubbed his face as he wracked his brain. Surely someone had... "Yeah, Mother said she watched the movie at school, and I think Mother talked to her about it."
Elliot nudged one of Holly's sketches. "There's a big difference between drawing maps and moving to Texas."
"No kidding."
"So how you react right now, you're either going to teach her that her body is embarrassing and awful, or that this is an exciting part of growing up."
"No pressure, then." Toby hated that he was right. "I need to buy a book."
"While Holly hides in the bathroom for the next hour?"
"Are you sure we can't call Kathy?"
Elliot leaned over to brush a kiss over his lips. "Go talk to your girl."
Yeah. Toby didn't know what to say, but in the last year and a half he'd figured out that he never did. The best plan was show up, and muddle through. He took a handful of Elliot's shirt and tugged him in for another kiss. "I'd just like to point out that in the midst of your smug, plain-speaking feminist pep-talk, you called tampons 'girl-things'."
"Shut up."
Toby kissed him again. "Can I ask a favour?"
"Sure."
"Can you go buy her some girl-things?"
Elliot's face only screwed up for a moment, but it was enough to reassure Toby that Elliot was only pretending to be this easy-going about it to calm him down. That peek at the repressed straight-ish guy Toby knew and loved was comforting.
Elliot pulled on a coat and headed out, and Toby paused at the bathroom door to steel himself. This had to be the first time he'd ever wished he was facing Nazis instead of his own daughter. He knew he was being ridiculous: however bad he screwed this up, nobody was going to end up in the infirmary, and once they got through this crushingly embarrassing conversation, they'd be stronger for it.
Or maybe they'd never look each other in the eye again.
He knocked. They were going to be stronger after this. "Holly, it's me." He gave her a couple of seconds and let himself in.
She was sitting on the closed toilet. Two seconds of hope, until she saw he didn't have a phone in hand, and then she slumped, miserable again.
Toby sat on the edge of the bath, and reminded himself he was thirty-eight years old. Also, that he was going to use adult words. "Holly, did you get your period?"
She flushed from her neck to the tips of her ears, eyes wide and horrified.
"You know that's perfectly normal, right? You're growing up. Right on schedule."
Her gaze snapped back to the tiles. "I want Gran."
"I'm sorry. You're stuck with me." He waited, but nothing, and for the first time in years, Genevieve's absence swept through him like a sudden gust of icy wind. "I wish your mother was here. She'd be so excited and happy to share this with you."
"Happy?"
"Of course! This is supposed to be a mother-daughter thing. You're joining the... the sisterhood of women."
"Great." She didn't sound enthusiastic.
"Tonight it's just going to be you and me. Do you have any questions?"
She wrinkled her nose, but at least she was looking at him, now. "You're a boy."
"That's true, but I'm not completely useless." He wasn't sure he'd ever felt as much of a stupid boy as he did right now. "I know twelve year-old boys are aliens. This is a secret girl thing and you'd never talk about it with boys your age, but grown-ups are different. When you're older, and you have a boyfriend of your own, it's something you'll talk about with him. It won't feel embarrassing anymore."
She shot him a look of total disbelief.
"Your mother and I used to keep track of her periods together on a big calendar when we were trying to have you and your brothers. A great big poster on the wall, coloured-in with Sharpies."
Her doubt barely shifted. "Really?"
"Of course. And when you start having children, your partner is going to know about way messier things than menstruation." He gave himself a gold star for using the word. "So if you want to ask me anything..."
"But you're a-"
"Try me. The worst I can say is, 'I don't know.'" He was sure there were plenty of things he didn't know, but a twelve year-old's questions couldn't be too complicated. Maybe. He'd use the internet if he had to.
Her breath caught, and she shuddered, and Toby dug his fingernails into his thumbs to stop himself from reaching for her. "I hate..." Her voice dropped so low, Toby barely heard, "blood."
Toby's gut clenched. Of course she did. She got queasy at a nose bleed, and now she was going to face this every month. "I know you do." He chewed his lip, searching for magical hand-waving something. "You know it's different to if you cut yourself, right? Do you remember what you learned at school, about-"
"Yes."
He went on anyway. "This is lining that was in your uterus to wait for a baby, and now it's done, your body is getting rid of waste, just like when you pee, or, or, you know. Poo." Toby was pretty sure he hadn't even thought the word 'uterus' since Harry was a newborn.
"I don't want to be ready for a baby."
"That makes two of us." Talking about Holly's body being ready for a baby was making him feel seriously seasick. "And it isn't. It's just... getting used to the idea. This is your body checking the pantry to make sure it's got all the ingredients. Actually cooking dinner is a long way off."
She huffed, and shot him a scathing look from the corner of her eye, and Toby smiled.
It would have been easier to push off the subject, but he couldn't leave Holly worrying alone, so he tracked back, forced himself to think his way through. "I know it looks just like normal blood at first, but after a day or two it changes colour, and it doesn't." He shrugged at her surprise. "I told you, once you're in a real relationship with someone you love, there's nothing much left that's private or embarrassing." Genevieve loved sex during her period, and she spent six months dealing with a seriously gross rash on her toes, and she could fart louder than Toby, but Toby wasn't going to tell Holly any of that. Or about the things Genevieve had known about Toby. "How about you get through this first time, just find out what actually happens, and if it's really hard, we'll talk about it, find a way to deal with it in the future."
After a long moment, she nodded.
He reached out, and she let him take her hand. "This is a big day, Holly. It's like getting your driver's licence, or graduating. We should celebrate. "
"That's silly."
"No, baby, it's not. This is special and wonderful. Do you want me to send Elliot home, do something with just the two of us?"
"You'd do that?"
"Of course." He wouldn't hesitate. "Holly, you will always come first with me."
She smiled.
"You and Harry."
She wrinkled her nose, but the smile didn't completely disappear. She slid her hand free, finally sitting up straight. "What do you want to do?"
"We could dress up nice and go out to dinner?"
That wiped the smile away. "I don't want to go out."
Okay, yeah, he could understand her not wanting to leave the house yet. "We could make popcorn, curl up on the couch and watch a girl power movie."
"Like?"
"Dirty Dancing? A young woman, coming of age..."
Holly folded her arms as her eyebrows climbed. "You want to watch Dirty Dancing?"
"No." No man ever wanted to watch Dirty Dancing. Not even curled up under a blanket with his daughter, mourning her childhood. "I just thought, if you did?"
She didn't seem sold on the idea.
Toby wished there was a woman around, or even a big sister. Or... "Would you like to have Kelly and Aisha over?" They were only a year older, but there was a decent chance at least one of them had already started her period. Toby really wanted to stop thinking about young girls and their reproductive systems.
"To sleep over?" She definitely perked up at that. "But it's a school night."
"I'll call their mothers. Maybe we can make an exception for a special occasion." He heard the click of the front door. "Do you have any..." He barely caught himself from saying 'girl-things'. "Did Gran give you any tampons?"
She shook her head.
No wonder she didn't want to go out - she'd probably just stuffed a pile of toilet paper down there, humiliated at the idea of telling Toby she needed something. "Give me a minute."
Toby kissed the top of her head and went out to find Elliot, who pointed at a plastic bag sitting on top of Holly's geography homework. She'd been a little girl when she started that project. Toby picked up the bag, peeked inside. There were a couple of different brands of pads, that his boyfriend had bought for his twelve year-old daughter, and now he was back to feeling icky. Though maybe that was okay, because it made him realise that it hadn't felt icky talking to Holly. It had been a pretty good talk.
"You only bought pads?"
"That's what Kathy bought for our girls when they started. Something about, about the other things taking practise, or... something that I didn't want to know about."
"Okay." Toby didn't want to know either. "I'll be back in a minute." He took the bag in to Holly. "Here you go. Are you okay to figure this out by yourself?"
"Yes." She blushed again, not reaching for the bag, so he put it down on the counter by the sink. Her head jerked up, blush turning to a frown. "Where did these...? Oh my god, Elliot knows?"
"Elliot was married too, remember? And he has three girls older than you. It's not embarrassing to him, either." Not much.
"Why don't you put it on a billboard!" She covered her face. "This is so humiliating!"
"Hol." Toby stepped close, and this time he wasn't going to let her shake him off. He pushed her hands away, cupped her cheeks and lifted her face. "I'm so proud of you right now, I would put it on a billboard if I didn't think you'd kill me. I can't wait to see the woman you're growing into." He pressed his lips to his forehead and kept them there a long time, stroking a hand down her braid when he finally let go.
Her eyes were glassy, and it made him want to kiss her again. She took a breath. "I don't mind if he stays."
"All right."
"He won't say anything, will he?"
"I promise." Toby was sure that would be just fine with Elliot. He headed for the door.
"Dad?"
"Yeah?"
"I'm okay with this being a father-daughter thing."
Toby doubled back and dragged her into a hug. "Thank you. I love you, Hol." He left her to figure things out, closed the bathroom door and wandered over to the dining table, dropping into the seat next to Elliot.
"You survived?"
"I just had a conversation with my twelve year-old daughter about her uterus."
Elliot couldn't help his shudder. So much for Mr Sensitive New Age Dad.
"There's going to be an invasion of girls. I guess tonight's the night we find out if Kelly and Aisha's parents mind them sleeping over in the care of a single father." He'd never offered, because it seemed better not to know. Toby reached for his phone, glad to feel Elliot's solid hand on his back. He called Kelly's mother Madeleine first, and as soon as she heard why, she offered to call Aisha's mother and bring both girls, no hesitation at all. Toby heaved a sigh of relief.
Elliot rubbed Toby's back. "I guess I should get going."
Toby wanted to tie him down. Holly had just aged ten years in five minutes and then picked her friends over him. Toby wanted company. "I understand if you want to, but you don't have to. They're not going to think anything of me having another guy over to share popcorn and watch the game." Toby nodded towards the TV, where some new football team was playing some other football team, sound turned low. They might think it was suspicious if they knew how little Toby cared about sports, but he was sure two teenage girls didn't spare him that much thought at all.
They both looked up as the bathroom door finally opened, but a second later Holly's door closed. "I remember that," said Elliot.
Toby wished she was coming out to curl under a blanket with him and watch Patrick Swayze. "It's very important to her that you in no way acknowledge that you know what happened tonight."
Elliot snorted. "I can do that."
Toby moved some papers around, tidying up Holly's homework. It wasn't due for a few more days, so she could take care of it tomorrow. Elliot watched him thoughtfully, until Toby met his gaze and waited.
Elliot stood and pulled Toby over to the couch, sitting him down and tugging him close. "You look happy."
Toby leaned into him. He was. "I missed Holly's first day of kindergarten. Losing all her baby teeth, the six months she took ballet when she was five." Eight birthdays. "I'm not going to be the one to talk Harry through puberty. Gary never got a chance to learn about changing bodies at all, or sex or... so much." Every milestone Holly hit was one that Gary had lost.
Elliot's arm tightened around him. "That doesn't sound like much to be happy about."
"But I have this. I don't think a lot of dads get to share this with their daughters."
"I think you're right."
"I love what I have with Holly."
Lips touched his neck. "You should be proud of it."
Toby was. He was really proud of this. "But Mother's going to be the one to take her bra shopping."
Elliot snorted, and turned up the volume on the game. Toby settled in. This was no father-daughter movie night, but it was pretty nice.
No time at all seemed to pass before the front door buzzer buzzed.
Toby and Elliot jumped apart, and then shared wry smiles. Elliot arranged himself innocently on one end of the couch while Toby got up to hit the door button, and then opened the apartment door and waited for everyone to climb the stairs. "Thanks for this, Madeleine."
"No trouble, Toby."
The girls trooped in. Kelly grinned. "Hey Mr Beecher!" She was carrying a plastic bag, and it looked like more pads, maybe whatever brand was cool with seventh-graders these days.
"Hi Mr Beecher. Hollyyyyyy!" Aisha dove past and threw her arms around Holly, and Holly looked genuinely happy for the first time tonight.
Holly waved back at the couch. "That's Dad's boyfriend, Elliot."
"Hey Elliot," the girls chorused, already forgetting him on their way through to Holly's room.
Elliot looked like a cartoon of a guy who'd just sat on a cactus.
Toby wondered if he did, too. What if Madeleine yanked the girls home again?
Madeleine glided over to the couch to offer her hand. "Hi Elliot. I'm Maddy. I'm Kelly's mom."
Elliot scrambled up, graceless enough that Toby nearly laughed. "Hi."
They shook, and Madeleine turned to Toby. "You boys will be all right to get the three of them to school tomorrow?"
Toby couldn't look at Elliot. "Yeah."
"Three is a lot harder than one."
"I, I have, um, four," said Elliot.
She grinned. "Then I'll leave them in your capable hands. Have a good night."
"Thanks for bringing them over," said Toby, as he saw her out, and then leaned back against the closed door, trying not to smile. "Guess we never talked to Holly about that."
Elliot was still wide-eyed. "Guess not."
It wouldn't have mattered; Toby wouldn't ever have asked her to keep Elliot a secret. He'd placed enough burdens on her already. "I guess we forgot she isn't as uncomfortable and repressed as we are."
"Yeah." Elliot rubbed both hands over his face. "That's a good thing, right?"
Toby slid over and wrapped his arms around Elliot, hoping the girls would stay locked in Holly's room for the moment. "I'm pretty sure it is."
___
end
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The complete Squidfic can be found at
The Lecherous Tentacles of Dr Squidlove
http://members.iinet.net.au/~tentacles/squidfic.html