(no subject)
They gave me a Duke ID card. With my picture on it.
Somehow none of the higer-ups have realized that I have attended 3 days of orientation, including today's Convocation, and that I have a Duke ID. And a Duke e-mail address. And as I sit in meeting after meeting, listening to the plans for the next five years, that is how I feel. That somehow no one noticed that I slipped into the Graduate School without a thorough check.
Back in January when I was invited for an interview day, it didn't feel real. Interviews didn't feel real, nor did the e-mail letter of acceptance, nor the phone calls from the faculty confirming that it was a valid acceptance. I visited in May - Lisa took me for a tour around the building, showed me my office. Nope, not yet. Free lunch with the grad students, no. I thought that orientation would finally trigger a feeling of reality. And it hasn't. I sat through Convocation today, completely in awe of the (beyond words) chapel and feeling incredibly inspired by the brilliant female deans, one of whom was chosen to give the formal address. And all I could think was, "Wow, this would be a cool place to go!" It didn't make sense that I start class on Tuesday (Applied Analysis of Variance, no less...) and even stranger...I have a real ID.
I have an NCSU ID. Two, actually. That makes sense to me. My picture, grinning, next to the Belltower with its manufactured chimes and Raleigh charm. Swiped through good old Carmichael gym's scanner and the DH Hill Circulation desk computer. Yup, Brickyard and Wolf Village and Wolfpack. Makes sense.
But this. My picture, four years older, next to Duke Chapel? I've only seen one other Duke ID before and uh...it wasn't my face. So this ID is just surreal. My office is surreal. My Duke lunchbox and all the other free crap they've thrown at us is surreal. I feel like I'm walking through orientation week in a daze, wondering why the hell I'm on this re-familiar campus and when do NCSU classes start again, because I don't want to miss the first day.
And yet within this daze, part of me is ready to begin acceptance and push forward with this (re)new(ed) reality. Part of me wants to stand up, cough politely, and assure everyone that yes...maybe I *do* belong here. Here with these brilliant, brilliant women. Here with this potential and opportunity. Regardless of how I feel I got here, I know I am standing on the cusp of something great, something huge. Sort of like that feeling I used to get with Sadie, at the last stride right before a jump that was just a bit beyond the height of my confidence...that moment of breath (in) before the gathering of all energy and explosion.
This lit search on body image and females has propelled me forward into nights of reading feminist (can you call it that?) literature...I just devour pages, angered and inspired. I want to break away from the submissive suppression, distance myself from the distasteful remains of my gender. I want so much (more and more) for my career, my future. And yet that pushes me closer to the question men never have to ask - what does that mean for a family? Nevermind children, but even a healthy marriage? Is it possible? I want so much that it stretches the bounds of the human lifespan - can I fit a marriage? Does that have to be pushed forward into my late 20's or 30's? Will there ever be a right time for a pregnancy and a child?
And the biggest question
...why should I have to choose?
Somehow none of the higer-ups have realized that I have attended 3 days of orientation, including today's Convocation, and that I have a Duke ID. And a Duke e-mail address. And as I sit in meeting after meeting, listening to the plans for the next five years, that is how I feel. That somehow no one noticed that I slipped into the Graduate School without a thorough check.
Back in January when I was invited for an interview day, it didn't feel real. Interviews didn't feel real, nor did the e-mail letter of acceptance, nor the phone calls from the faculty confirming that it was a valid acceptance. I visited in May - Lisa took me for a tour around the building, showed me my office. Nope, not yet. Free lunch with the grad students, no. I thought that orientation would finally trigger a feeling of reality. And it hasn't. I sat through Convocation today, completely in awe of the (beyond words) chapel and feeling incredibly inspired by the brilliant female deans, one of whom was chosen to give the formal address. And all I could think was, "Wow, this would be a cool place to go!" It didn't make sense that I start class on Tuesday (Applied Analysis of Variance, no less...) and even stranger...I have a real ID.
I have an NCSU ID. Two, actually. That makes sense to me. My picture, grinning, next to the Belltower with its manufactured chimes and Raleigh charm. Swiped through good old Carmichael gym's scanner and the DH Hill Circulation desk computer. Yup, Brickyard and Wolf Village and Wolfpack. Makes sense.
But this. My picture, four years older, next to Duke Chapel? I've only seen one other Duke ID before and uh...it wasn't my face. So this ID is just surreal. My office is surreal. My Duke lunchbox and all the other free crap they've thrown at us is surreal. I feel like I'm walking through orientation week in a daze, wondering why the hell I'm on this re-familiar campus and when do NCSU classes start again, because I don't want to miss the first day.
And yet within this daze, part of me is ready to begin acceptance and push forward with this (re)new(ed) reality. Part of me wants to stand up, cough politely, and assure everyone that yes...maybe I *do* belong here. Here with these brilliant, brilliant women. Here with this potential and opportunity. Regardless of how I feel I got here, I know I am standing on the cusp of something great, something huge. Sort of like that feeling I used to get with Sadie, at the last stride right before a jump that was just a bit beyond the height of my confidence...that moment of breath (in) before the gathering of all energy and explosion.
This lit search on body image and females has propelled me forward into nights of reading feminist (can you call it that?) literature...I just devour pages, angered and inspired. I want to break away from the submissive suppression, distance myself from the distasteful remains of my gender. I want so much (more and more) for my career, my future. And yet that pushes me closer to the question men never have to ask - what does that mean for a family? Nevermind children, but even a healthy marriage? Is it possible? I want so much that it stretches the bounds of the human lifespan - can I fit a marriage? Does that have to be pushed forward into my late 20's or 30's? Will there ever be a right time for a pregnancy and a child?
And the biggest question
...why should I have to choose?