(no subject)
I visited Duke today. I think it made this surreal situation a little more real. A little. Lisa (Dr. Linnenbrink?) was wonderfully sweet as always - I think I have the best advisor in the world. And everyone tells me she's the best, too. She's so welcoming and understanding and relaxingly nice! And so is Corrine, the director of TIP who will be my boss (along with Martha Putallaz) - they're all so nice. And so thrilled that I chose Duke. When in reality it's actually the total opposite - I'm thrilled they chose me. Lisa said today that three applicants were extended invitations to attend - and possibly a fourth person if they can find funding. Out of the nine that interviewed and the god-knows-how-many who applied.
Standing outside today in the quad in front of the soc/psych building, I tried to squish the feeling that I do not belong in a place like this. The feeling that had enveloped things two years ago when the differences between Duke and NCSU were palpable and real. I keep trying to convince myself that I am wanted here, I was invited here and encouraged to attend. Welcomed! A shared office, with an actual window. A gothic-style window, no less. A real desk.
Digging through self-efficacy articles the other day I was struck with the realization that we truly *do* study what we do not understand in ourselves, at least in the psychology field. Jason cited emotion speciailists who know nothing of their own, social interaction specialists who live like hermits...the Duke grad students talked about Dr. Feng who studies psycholinguistics yet speaks strangely, and others... It's said that developmental psychologists are drawn to the field because of something amiss in their own development. And I am studying giftedness and development. What does that say about me? For so long I've been driven by this inner passion, and for the kids no one seems to care about.
And this project...self-efficacy. Females. And my own? Absolutely terrible. I have one e-mail sent to Tara - "I shouldn't even apply to Duke. It's a waste of $75 that I'll just throw away for a rejection letter." Even after the call for interviews, nothing changed. Jason has total faith in me, Erik does, everyone does. No one was really surprised with Duke. My sophomore year independent study was on self-beliefs and self-judgements in the gifted. Do we see ourselves the way others see us? Do we know how others judge us? My self-assessment is so far gone from everyone else's, and I feel this vague, unsettling dissonance with how I am, how I see myself, and how others see me. And I studied it. Now I study metacognition and cognitive monitoring - yet I overanalyze every step I make and micro-manage my mental skills to exhaustion. The next step is self-efficacy, how we judge our own ability to do something, and I have miserable self-efficacy. Yet I study it. Next year I'll embark on research in motivation and achievement. Fabulous. I'm so cranked on over-achievement and so high on motivation that I lose sight of what's important. And giftedness...I have no sense of my own, yet I feel destined and driven to study it in others. How can I, at 22, study the development of others when I've not yet completed my own?
Jennie said last week that what Pro really needs is someone to believe in him, have confidence in him. Danielle said it in her reading - his words, directly. As a baby, his mom told him that when he found his special person, he'd finally be happy. He places his whole world in me, who is searching for someone to have full, steadily faithful confidence in herself.
And that's what all this is. A chain of confidence and faith. We all draw it from somewhere.
Standing outside today in the quad in front of the soc/psych building, I tried to squish the feeling that I do not belong in a place like this. The feeling that had enveloped things two years ago when the differences between Duke and NCSU were palpable and real. I keep trying to convince myself that I am wanted here, I was invited here and encouraged to attend. Welcomed! A shared office, with an actual window. A gothic-style window, no less. A real desk.
Digging through self-efficacy articles the other day I was struck with the realization that we truly *do* study what we do not understand in ourselves, at least in the psychology field. Jason cited emotion speciailists who know nothing of their own, social interaction specialists who live like hermits...the Duke grad students talked about Dr. Feng who studies psycholinguistics yet speaks strangely, and others... It's said that developmental psychologists are drawn to the field because of something amiss in their own development. And I am studying giftedness and development. What does that say about me? For so long I've been driven by this inner passion, and for the kids no one seems to care about.
And this project...self-efficacy. Females. And my own? Absolutely terrible. I have one e-mail sent to Tara - "I shouldn't even apply to Duke. It's a waste of $75 that I'll just throw away for a rejection letter." Even after the call for interviews, nothing changed. Jason has total faith in me, Erik does, everyone does. No one was really surprised with Duke. My sophomore year independent study was on self-beliefs and self-judgements in the gifted. Do we see ourselves the way others see us? Do we know how others judge us? My self-assessment is so far gone from everyone else's, and I feel this vague, unsettling dissonance with how I am, how I see myself, and how others see me. And I studied it. Now I study metacognition and cognitive monitoring - yet I overanalyze every step I make and micro-manage my mental skills to exhaustion. The next step is self-efficacy, how we judge our own ability to do something, and I have miserable self-efficacy. Yet I study it. Next year I'll embark on research in motivation and achievement. Fabulous. I'm so cranked on over-achievement and so high on motivation that I lose sight of what's important. And giftedness...I have no sense of my own, yet I feel destined and driven to study it in others. How can I, at 22, study the development of others when I've not yet completed my own?
Jennie said last week that what Pro really needs is someone to believe in him, have confidence in him. Danielle said it in her reading - his words, directly. As a baby, his mom told him that when he found his special person, he'd finally be happy. He places his whole world in me, who is searching for someone to have full, steadily faithful confidence in herself.
And that's what all this is. A chain of confidence and faith. We all draw it from somewhere.