(no subject)
damn, ive never felt like this before. ever. im drifting...lost. ive been empty before but never like this. never before. there've been times where i was unrealistic and only wanted what i had dreamed and i wanted it immediately. where all else seemed hopeless. but now it seems hopeless everywhere...even my dreams. i dont think i can do it. i dont think im suited for anything. i feel like im just another number. im another equation. just some matter within a certain space. im at the emotions absolute zero...i just feel hopeless. there i people i want to thank who are there for me...just when i need friends...or a lover. but even with that, im uncontrollable. even to myself. i dont know if i will wake up tomorrow and just kill someone. i dont know what can happen. theres like a little pandoras box in my head that is just waiting to be opened...and i dont know whats inside...no one does. not even my doctors. according to them its "psychotic disorder, NSO"...no specific origin. i mean its obvious what that means in idiot terms. "well we dont know whats wrong with him theres just something definitely wrong." so for my medication and whatnot they have to take my word for symptoms and whatnot but half the time i dont even know whats the fuck is wrong with me myself. so there is just this big bad monster with "no specific origin" waiting to be unleashed. i need help. i need it soon.