..just like i imagined, i could never feel this way.
ok so i lied..i am listening to music. sugarcult to be exact. memory..and im crying..because im a loser..and im really emotional. and i could be losing the kid of my dreams to my best friend. well..who wouldnt be emotional. i dont think ive ever cried so much over a guy..chris..yea. but its something so different with him. i feel really empty knowing that he likes shayna. i dont know why. i do. it hurts so much. adam says that its gonna happen to me in life. i say it already happened once..why is it happening again. god must hate me. seriously. i must have done something really horrible. the heartache i have right now..its like woah. i could just picture it all...being with him. and then hearing he likes shayna. its all gone. everyone that knows me knows that im realy insecure..and when something happens...big or little...every doubt known comes to mind for me. and why is it always shayna...thats what hurts even more. that its my best friend in the whole world. my heart. god..i want to die so much right now. i fucking hate crying..and its all ive been doing all night. so..heres mine and shaynas conversation.
i just asked her..to tell me now if she liked him..before anything went any further. she said she didnt..she really didnt. then she said that what happened was ludy and michael told her that they told jeff she liked him. at the same time, jeff tells raechel it was lauren lacalle. then shayna told me chris called..and he asked to speak to jeff. then shayna said when they got back on the fone chris told her that he told jeff that he knows me really well and not to fuck things up..(it made me feel really good to know that chris still cares about me..really. it did.) so then shayna was just like i dont like him..i dont know why anyone would tell him that. and i wouldnt do that to you..thats such bullshit id never do that. well. to hear her say that only gave me little confidence. because why would lauren say that. so thats basically what was said. rae calls after we finished talking about that..so i clicked over..and started crying my eyes out again. she told me what jeff said..and i duno. i think that if shayna really doesnt like him like she tells me and adam and raechel..and whats shes been saying for a while now..that she loves chris so much..and she will never b able to move on..that she needs to tell jeff. and let other people that say she likes him know the truth. god this hurts so much. my best friend. why her..
so..here we are. two minutes to 1..and ive been crying my eyes out literally for about 4 hours..my mom thinks that ive gone crazy. and i think i have...i really am crazy in love with jeff. i dont care if anyone says oh u dont know him..i feel it. i really have never felt this way about anyone in my life. he is really special. and i dont know what i would do if i didnt have the chance to get to be with him..and experience the seriousness that both of us are talking about. well. heres what shayna said. i hope you dont mind that i put this here shayn.
LetHerDownEasy: I dont like him u kno the truth i love chris. . Nothin is goin to change
i wish someone understood..i wish he knew how much i like him..how strong my feelings are for him. i dont know what to do anymore. it always happens to me..maybe i should give up..but i cant. i feel like i need to be with him.. like..i duno. i cant describe it. but i need to go stop crying. leave me a comment if you love me.