communication
counselor appt next week.
maybe i'll try to be my own counsellor until then.
i feel like i have comm. probs with my beau. there are so many times when he says things so abruptly, cold things, completely uncaring things that scare me. he will be sweet and loving and wonderful up until a point where it feels like he snaps and shuts off. if i'm not responding to him, he'll work and work up until a point and then all of a sudden he's unconvinceable, there's no more interest, he's lost, and i am a stranger to him.
a lot of times this happens in sexual encounters. he's so hot and heavy i can't even breathe, i can't enjoy it, i'm really thinking about how uncomfortable i am in the position, i accidently let a question slip out that's obviously not related, he knows my mind is somewhere else and he stops completely.
up until he stops i would have wanted to stop myself, to reposition, to retry it a different way, to come from a different approach, and then he stops for good. it's orguilloso, i guess you would say. but i'm so sick of that word and that behaviour, i don't feel like it's a good excuse for his actions. it breaks my heart every single time without fail. they're always small things. the things don't matter.
shari at the farm has been happily married for like 17 years. i almost don't believe her. how is that possible? i don't even know if i believe in marriage. it's a nice idea but honestly how does it work? he's getting better ( i thought) as time goes on, and that makes me feel good. it's actually not about me. it was worse last summer in the beginning of the relationship. that means he doens't really hate me. is it just a temper problem? i feel like i'm sweet and giving all the time. honestly. maybe i'm spacey and maybe i'm not as horny as he is, or maybe i did kiss two boys while we were broken up or maybe i'm not a virgin. but i'm the best thing that i can be for you.
i feel nervous when i talk to friends who are boys. i'm afraid felix will find out and ask me and get angry and jealous and there will be problems with us.
and the bad part is how good it is when it's good. he can be so wonderful, too. so thoughtful and kind and gentle and reliable and sensitive. receptive. such a good lover. he's good at everything he does. he's very competent in the broadest sense--he can trim my bushes, give good back rubs, fix the plumbing, and cook a chicken fried steak. he can wear cowboy boots and tennis shoes, shave his pubic hair, grow out his curl, speak two languages, work on a farm, cut my hair, etc. etc.
if there wasn't that scary switchover point i would want him forever.
maybe i'll try to be my own counsellor until then.
i feel like i have comm. probs with my beau. there are so many times when he says things so abruptly, cold things, completely uncaring things that scare me. he will be sweet and loving and wonderful up until a point where it feels like he snaps and shuts off. if i'm not responding to him, he'll work and work up until a point and then all of a sudden he's unconvinceable, there's no more interest, he's lost, and i am a stranger to him.
a lot of times this happens in sexual encounters. he's so hot and heavy i can't even breathe, i can't enjoy it, i'm really thinking about how uncomfortable i am in the position, i accidently let a question slip out that's obviously not related, he knows my mind is somewhere else and he stops completely.
up until he stops i would have wanted to stop myself, to reposition, to retry it a different way, to come from a different approach, and then he stops for good. it's orguilloso, i guess you would say. but i'm so sick of that word and that behaviour, i don't feel like it's a good excuse for his actions. it breaks my heart every single time without fail. they're always small things. the things don't matter.
shari at the farm has been happily married for like 17 years. i almost don't believe her. how is that possible? i don't even know if i believe in marriage. it's a nice idea but honestly how does it work? he's getting better ( i thought) as time goes on, and that makes me feel good. it's actually not about me. it was worse last summer in the beginning of the relationship. that means he doens't really hate me. is it just a temper problem? i feel like i'm sweet and giving all the time. honestly. maybe i'm spacey and maybe i'm not as horny as he is, or maybe i did kiss two boys while we were broken up or maybe i'm not a virgin. but i'm the best thing that i can be for you.
i feel nervous when i talk to friends who are boys. i'm afraid felix will find out and ask me and get angry and jealous and there will be problems with us.
and the bad part is how good it is when it's good. he can be so wonderful, too. so thoughtful and kind and gentle and reliable and sensitive. receptive. such a good lover. he's good at everything he does. he's very competent in the broadest sense--he can trim my bushes, give good back rubs, fix the plumbing, and cook a chicken fried steak. he can wear cowboy boots and tennis shoes, shave his pubic hair, grow out his curl, speak two languages, work on a farm, cut my hair, etc. etc.
if there wasn't that scary switchover point i would want him forever.