(no subject)
I feel completely lost, like I don't know what to do in or about my life. It got to the point where I even thought, "why the hell am i 'living' for?" -- not to belittle people who actually think of suicide, but I'm normally a pretty peppy cheery person, so something is very off.
Ryan sent me a present and card in the mail today, and it's probably the most fitting card I've seen in a while. It really made me smile, moreso than the gift he sent [which was a voidwalker figurine from WoW that he got from Blizzcon... lol]. That made me think about where to find comfort in my alarmingly shitty mood, and I realized... I don't really have anything/anyone for consolation [besides ranting in a journal, online and on paper]. Granted, I usually don't like burdening people with stuff in my life because honestly, it's not that big of a deal. People go through highs and lows their entire life, and this one is no different. I'd like to think I'm a really good listener and advice-giver if people ever need someone, but most of the time they just think the same as me.
So really, I don't talk to people about my "issues". I've ranted plenty about things that bothered me, and have bothered me in the past and it seems moreso that I just annoy people with these instead of just letting these issues go and moving on... which I guess is just a personal thing, I tend to brood over things that really, well, bother me.
I talked to Eddie for the first time in a couple weeks, and I told him the reason why is because I wouldn't rant to him about my [now ex] team/team leader issues, and he just said he "appreciated that," and the conversation stopped there. That actually kind of hurt. At least I don't have to hear about his team drama anymore... when we DID talk, I suppose. I don't really understand that kid either, but that's a different story all together. ANYWAY
I think I need to get away from here. However, the idea of moving anywhere far from home also makes me hesitant, as much as I think it would help. Especially for school, though that would be my best bet... My college career hasn't been met with much luck [I wasn't completely happy with Cedar Crest, and I'm terribly unhappy here at Rutgers despite it being a good school, but it takes more than that, I believe]. The idea of transferring again, and to somewhere far away, really frightens me. I'm also too poor to just travel for a week or so, just to relieve some tensions at home. This is where I say it sucks to be a commuter :P
I'd really like to travel to the west coast though, preferably sometime before Ryan comes back too... and I'm pretty sure that's in December, and then back to upstate NY for him. Maybe I'll take his offer to pay part of my ticket, but just as a loan.
@ gameboyguy - I think I might just take your advice. :)
And now I feel just a bit better.
Ryan sent me a present and card in the mail today, and it's probably the most fitting card I've seen in a while. It really made me smile, moreso than the gift he sent [which was a voidwalker figurine from WoW that he got from Blizzcon... lol]. That made me think about where to find comfort in my alarmingly shitty mood, and I realized... I don't really have anything/anyone for consolation [besides ranting in a journal, online and on paper]. Granted, I usually don't like burdening people with stuff in my life because honestly, it's not that big of a deal. People go through highs and lows their entire life, and this one is no different. I'd like to think I'm a really good listener and advice-giver if people ever need someone, but most of the time they just think the same as me.
So really, I don't talk to people about my "issues". I've ranted plenty about things that bothered me, and have bothered me in the past and it seems moreso that I just annoy people with these instead of just letting these issues go and moving on... which I guess is just a personal thing, I tend to brood over things that really, well, bother me.
I talked to Eddie for the first time in a couple weeks, and I told him the reason why is because I wouldn't rant to him about my [now ex] team/team leader issues, and he just said he "appreciated that," and the conversation stopped there. That actually kind of hurt. At least I don't have to hear about his team drama anymore... when we DID talk, I suppose. I don't really understand that kid either, but that's a different story all together. ANYWAY
I think I need to get away from here. However, the idea of moving anywhere far from home also makes me hesitant, as much as I think it would help. Especially for school, though that would be my best bet... My college career hasn't been met with much luck [I wasn't completely happy with Cedar Crest, and I'm terribly unhappy here at Rutgers despite it being a good school, but it takes more than that, I believe]. The idea of transferring again, and to somewhere far away, really frightens me. I'm also too poor to just travel for a week or so, just to relieve some tensions at home. This is where I say it sucks to be a commuter :P
I'd really like to travel to the west coast though, preferably sometime before Ryan comes back too... and I'm pretty sure that's in December, and then back to upstate NY for him. Maybe I'll take his offer to pay part of my ticket, but just as a loan.
@ gameboyguy - I think I might just take your advice. :)
And now I feel just a bit better.