I will tell the audient void
I had thought that was the first time in over a year that I have used this, but after further inspection, I find that this is not true. That's not to say that everything has been peaches and gravy in my world here, but for the last few months, things have been really good. I am in the best physical shape of my life (I work out four days a week and have almost back to being able to run 5k's no problem) I'm taking classes at UB and looking for a real job again, I have a fairly large circle of close friends (well, actually several occasionally overlapping ones, but eh) and I'm the most social I have ever been (while once I used to pine for time with people, I now find myself occasionally pining for time alone). All of which is great. Something just snapped a little bit ago. I have no idea what it was.
I've been missing Cat pretty bad the last few days. It's become normal for my thoughts to drift to her occasionally, for the last several days especially, I feel almost exactly the same as I did three years ago. And there's the rub. It happened three years ago. I'm completely over things that happened a week ago, but this, from three years ago (three rather changing years) still occasionally knocks me on my ass. And while I know that the imagine I miss is only a composite of some parts of her and some of the things we did together, having things end the way they did really fucks with me sometimes.
And as such, I had a massive anxiety attack Monday/Tuesday. It involved me leaving work, trying to get into both the UB and Canisius counseling centers (failing on both counts, because apparently the lack of threats of self-harm indicate a fairly calm state?). I'm going in tomorrow at 9:30 to the UB center, which should be beneficial. They've coupled me with a cognitive behavioral specialist who apparently wants to screen me for Generalized Anxiety Disorder, which is not unreasonable. The name does rather unsubtly suggest "cop-out" or more closely, "we don't know what's wrong with you," but maybe some direction is better than spinning in circles.
This feels less like a coherent entry than a series of fragmented thoughts, but that's probably appropriate. Sleep beckons, though, and I move towards it with great anticipation.
I've been missing Cat pretty bad the last few days. It's become normal for my thoughts to drift to her occasionally, for the last several days especially, I feel almost exactly the same as I did three years ago. And there's the rub. It happened three years ago. I'm completely over things that happened a week ago, but this, from three years ago (three rather changing years) still occasionally knocks me on my ass. And while I know that the imagine I miss is only a composite of some parts of her and some of the things we did together, having things end the way they did really fucks with me sometimes.
And as such, I had a massive anxiety attack Monday/Tuesday. It involved me leaving work, trying to get into both the UB and Canisius counseling centers (failing on both counts, because apparently the lack of threats of self-harm indicate a fairly calm state?). I'm going in tomorrow at 9:30 to the UB center, which should be beneficial. They've coupled me with a cognitive behavioral specialist who apparently wants to screen me for Generalized Anxiety Disorder, which is not unreasonable. The name does rather unsubtly suggest "cop-out" or more closely, "we don't know what's wrong with you," but maybe some direction is better than spinning in circles.
This feels less like a coherent entry than a series of fragmented thoughts, but that's probably appropriate. Sleep beckons, though, and I move towards it with great anticipation.