Developments
So, there exists a new computer. For some reason, I cannot get my cameras to communicate with it, but that will only be a matter of time. The problem is that when the old computer died, I lost the cut footage of the wedding. The good news is that I have the edit list done, so once the footage is imported, the final cut will take only a few hours. As a side note, part of what will be used to play over footage is Streetlight Manifesto's Great Heights. So good. So very, very good.
While I will openly admit that this is neither a new nor a dramatic development, I've been thinking about Cailtin a lot lately. It's not an intentional thing; I would benefit greatly from putting her behind me, but I can't seem to. For the first time in a while, though, I feel this sort of thought has benefited me rather than the other thing, as it's for once causing me to start looking forward rather than behind. For example, despite the thing with Mel not working out, instead of wallowing like I would normally, it became inspiration and motivation. Not so much fiction writing as studying computer science and trying hard to get out of the call center, but you get the idea. I've not recreated the calculator program from Freshman year yet, but I have written a program that resolves, for lack of a better term, the Collatz Conjecture. So that's fun.
And while I doubt that I will ever be truly over her, and that some part of me will always wonder about and want what could have been, it is becoming increasingly obvious that this will never happen, and that it very likely shouldn't. And I think the somewhat increased mental preoccupation has to do with three things, the maturity that I have experienced that is torturing me for being pretty damn awful to the girl (seriously, I was really quite the dick for a lot of that, and really wish I could go back and fix it, but alas, see above), trying to recapture the elements of college I never really enjoyed, because partially due to my less than optimal employment, I do feel as if I had wasted much of college, and three, because of a complete feeling of lacking a place in the world. However, for the first time in a while, I am working on resolving that. It's kind of sad, having to point my compass in a direction so vastly different from where I want to be, but the world does demand detours from time to time.
While I will openly admit that this is neither a new nor a dramatic development, I've been thinking about Cailtin a lot lately. It's not an intentional thing; I would benefit greatly from putting her behind me, but I can't seem to. For the first time in a while, though, I feel this sort of thought has benefited me rather than the other thing, as it's for once causing me to start looking forward rather than behind. For example, despite the thing with Mel not working out, instead of wallowing like I would normally, it became inspiration and motivation. Not so much fiction writing as studying computer science and trying hard to get out of the call center, but you get the idea. I've not recreated the calculator program from Freshman year yet, but I have written a program that resolves, for lack of a better term, the Collatz Conjecture. So that's fun.
And while I doubt that I will ever be truly over her, and that some part of me will always wonder about and want what could have been, it is becoming increasingly obvious that this will never happen, and that it very likely shouldn't. And I think the somewhat increased mental preoccupation has to do with three things, the maturity that I have experienced that is torturing me for being pretty damn awful to the girl (seriously, I was really quite the dick for a lot of that, and really wish I could go back and fix it, but alas, see above), trying to recapture the elements of college I never really enjoyed, because partially due to my less than optimal employment, I do feel as if I had wasted much of college, and three, because of a complete feeling of lacking a place in the world. However, for the first time in a while, I am working on resolving that. It's kind of sad, having to point my compass in a direction so vastly different from where I want to be, but the world does demand detours from time to time.