(no subject)
It seemed to come out of nowhere. I was watching the season finale for a show and near the end two characters were facing death in two different places but while communicating with each other. The man was unaware that the woman was shot and dying, but trying to help him. The woman only thought to help him and calm him down. The man was so upset at being faced with death that he began yelling and raving. The woman asked him to stop and yelled asking why to which she replied, "because you're breaking my heart," while choking back sobs. At that moment I lost it. And I could not stop crying for the life of me. The man died never knowing that the woman was also dying and what she really did for him. Yes it was really sad and that might be the reason I started crying, but it wasn't the reason the tears wouldn't stop. It's been a week since I found out my half-sister was murdered and I hadn't had an emotional hiccup in the slightest. All it took was one thing to set me off and then it became about everything. Losing the chance to get to know this person who is part of my family, the weak relationships that I have with my other family members, the loss of my half-brother years ago who I will never know. And then it became about my loneliness. Meeting a nice guy who is mutually attracted to me but unavailable. Feeling like I have no one to talk to, to spend time with, to console me. Full-on sad time.
Luckily, after I took a shower to calm down I called a good friend. She cheered me up without even knowing I needed it. We talked for hours about this and that and nothing and everything. I've been talking so long now about changing my life for the better and I always have these huge goals and I always know that everything will be different and better once I accomplish these goals but then nothing changes. One of the goals I recognize as a true need in my life if I really want things to change is to simply realize, remember, recall all the things that I am truly lucky to already have in my life. I have known some great people, some really great friends and many of them are still in my life even if they are miles and miles apart. That is such an amazing and special thing to be cherished. The trick will be finding the ways to remind myself of this one simple fact and maybe, just maybe I'll have a chance at finding happiness. There is no such thing as a quick fix so I just hope to find the strength to keep on moving in life. To not give up and to keep striving for the good. Things will work out because they just have to.
Luckily, after I took a shower to calm down I called a good friend. She cheered me up without even knowing I needed it. We talked for hours about this and that and nothing and everything. I've been talking so long now about changing my life for the better and I always have these huge goals and I always know that everything will be different and better once I accomplish these goals but then nothing changes. One of the goals I recognize as a true need in my life if I really want things to change is to simply realize, remember, recall all the things that I am truly lucky to already have in my life. I have known some great people, some really great friends and many of them are still in my life even if they are miles and miles apart. That is such an amazing and special thing to be cherished. The trick will be finding the ways to remind myself of this one simple fact and maybe, just maybe I'll have a chance at finding happiness. There is no such thing as a quick fix so I just hope to find the strength to keep on moving in life. To not give up and to keep striving for the good. Things will work out because they just have to.