Making the thing that should not be exist no more
In my quest for self-discovery, my sensei - Brittney - passed the torch to my sister, Leah, who reiterated a few things I already know, and told me more that I wasn't aware of. One of these things was to forgive the people who've dealt out verbal abuse to me. She also stressed that my mom was foremost among them, as well as herself, my other sister and my dad. So, last night, I unblocked my mom's e-mail address and wrote a message of 'I want to bury the hatchet; let's talk'. I got her reply just today and I didn't feel any of the usual animosity that I used to when reading a message from her; strangely enough, I was actually a little wistful. I was able to stop thinking of her as a traitor and a coward (though, I still don't approve of how she chose to separate from her marriage) and looked at it instead as someone who had little choice and didn't know what else to do. The core motivation for my making amends is indeed selfish, but now I genuinely care about her and how she's doing where before I couldn't have cared less. About the only thing that could get me to regress is if/when she decides to come back stateside and she and my dad start fighting again. That's the only thing I can conceive that would rouse my anger toward her again and I pray that such doesn't happen. In any case, I'm finally on the road to becoming myself; the person I was always meant to be instead of what whoever else wanted me to be. Where I go from there is yet to be seen and not for me to worry about now. It'll turn out okay, nonetheless. *wink, smile*
~Driretlan
~Driretlan