Redefining my bubble
Long ago (in freshman year -- last year) I was friends with this one person. This person's name is Durpert. In real life, he/she is called something else but here, he/she shall be called Durpert for my own twisted reasons. See, when I got into this special/weird/exclusive high school, I was elated and nervous at the same time. For several reasons, actually.
Elated because finally, I feel somewhat accomplished that I've gotten accepted into an educational institution from which I can actually learn something that I will apply later in life (maybe?). Because I've made my parents proud which will always be a good thing because I care for them so, so much. Because I won't have to deal with high schoolers who are obnoxious/loud/annoying, etc.
Nervous because I will have to make new friends. I'll have to ride a new bus (this always freaks me out, I don't know why). It's far away from where I live. The curriculum will rape my academic ass, beat it, shit on it and rape it again.
But the one thing - or person - that gave me a little comfort was Durpert. Well actually, I considered Durpert more of a rival for getting into the school in the first place because the smarter person automatically gets in. But since we both got in, it was okay. And we were friends from the same town and know what? We got along great!
It was fucking fantastic. I knew Durpert a little from 6th grade because he/she sat at my desk during Social Studies but that was it. I didn't know any else about him/her. Now that we go the same school though, we became best friendz forevasszz overnight. I really mean it. We had so, so much fun together, especially on the bus because we had other people from our town go to the same academy. I've never laughed so much in my life then.
But it wasn't as if I shouldn't have been expecting this. I mean, I knew from the beginning that Durpert was OCD. Very OCD. It got in the way. For example, we'd be working on a Chemistry Lab and we would always argue about the protocol or the results or something. We were completely polar opposites. And sometimes that would work wonderfully in our favour. Other times, it would cause us to not speak to each other.
We had very different opinions. I guess it could be said that I was laid-back while he/she was ... well, OCD. In retrospect, I should have seen it coming.
.
.
.
The first time it had happened, I thought it was hilarious. It was over a Spanish project and I'm still not sure what happened. I think it was something along the lines of me accusing him/her of not doing work. Here's how it was:
I sent my Spanish group an email asking them to read over the parts they've written so that there were no mistakes or anything like that. When no one responded, I replied to everyone saying something like: "Good job guys. No one did anything to look over. Haha, especially someone *cough* Durpert *cough*. :P Haha." It was meant as a joke. I remember I put in several "lols", "hahas" and ":P"s. But when Durpert saw the email, he/she got offended and when I came on the bus the next day, he/she wouldn't say a single word. So eventually I had to sit somewhere on the bus. At that point, I didn't even think it was possible that that email could have made him/her stop talking to me.
So...I did stuff. It. tore. me. apart.
I've never had a problem like this before. No one has walked out on me like that -- ever. I haven't even had a friend like him/her before. And when someone like that abruptly stops talking to you, it's painful.
I cried myself to sleep every single night that month.
Come February 1st, Durpert says "Happy birthday" and that "we need to talk. Let's do it on the bus"
Okay Durpert. You've taken my heart and ripped it out, sure you can talk to me as it is convenient for you. Why not?
So once on the bus, Durpert says to me, "It really hurt me."
I stare.
"The email."
I nod vigorously because I'm a loser.
"You hurt me. That email you sent made me really sad."
"Oh." I nodded again but at this point I'm not even paying attention to what he's/she's saying anymore. I just kept thinking that all those times that I've done stupid things to myself, all those times that I cried so hard that I was sure my stomach and lungs were going to collapse, was because of this email -- that he/she printed out to show me -- I've sent. The entire ordeal was so bizarre, I wanted to laugh. So I did.
It was a ridiculously high-pitched, stupid and utterly embarrassing nervous laugh. And even to me, it sounded so forced. Durpert looked at me funny and kept going.
"So..." A few seconds passed and it was clear that he/she wanted an apology.
From me.
On my birthday.
So what did I do?
"I'm sorry! Aw, I'm sorry..."
I try not to regret things in my life. Even if I know I did something wrong, I try to make it so that it turns into a good thing so that I don't wish it never happened. I feel as if if you do have regrets, it's just a waste of your life and I really don't want that. I want to gain from my mistakes.
So a minute or two after I said "I'm sorry! Aw, I'm sorry..." I regretted it.
First of all, let's make sure it is known that to this day, I still do not know what I did wrong in that email. Anyone care to enlighten me? This is not a rhetorical question that I'm asking to make myself feel better, really. I genuinely do not know.
Also let's step back a little and let Eddie know something about myself: before Durpert, I've never had such a close friend that I put so much trust in. I'm not sure whether whoever's reading can empathize with me, but for someone like that to break ties with me -- suddenly stop talking to me -- was a big blow. Again, I don't know if anyone can imagine but I took that blow hard. And did some very stupid things that again, I regret.
So back to the bus.
I said words of apology without really knowing that I was speaking at all and the entire bus ride home, my face hurt forcing myself to laugh or smile. I think, in Durpert's mind, everything was okay. Things were back to normal again. And I sat there, wearing false smiles and not being able to think.
.
.
.
I feel guilty for this and I don't even know why. But I don't remember much after we "made up." I forget how I felt after that day on the bus (my birthday) and I forget what happened in real life. I do have a valid reason for not being able to remember all this, though.
It's because the same ordeal happened all over again. I wish I can say something clever like, "History repeats itself, bitch" but I can't because this time it's slightly different. So in the words of Mark Twain, "History doesn't really repeat itself, but it has a nasty habit of rhyming."
So let's start again.
This happened in Spanish class again. I dunno, maybe this is the Universe (Multiverse?) trying to tell me that Spanish is not my language? But anyway, Durpert, another friend and I were in the same Spanish group again. It was some powerpoint thingy (see, I don't remember). And it was done, everything was good, I did my part and everything. We just had to finalize it before we sent it to the teacher.
So.
Durpert sent me the powerpoint and asked me to look it over. I didn't have time to at that moment, so I just went back to doing my other work. I was going to send him/her an email later about how I didn't have time and that I would do it later. But before I sent him/her an email about doing it later, he/she already sent the powerpoint to the teacher.
The next day on the bus, he/she ignored me.
The day after, he/she switched seats.
And the day after, it was the same.
So at first, I couldn't quite believe it. Again.I tried to make light of it, make fun of it. I had a ring of friends that Durpert and I shared. When we all sat at our lunch table I would make subtle blatant hints about friendship and friends and all various sorts of bullshit that might provoke Durpert to speak to me again.
If my friend (we shall her/him...Ringo!) Ringo gives me a cookie because he's/she's that nice, I'd say, "That's so nice, Ringo. You're such a good friend, Ringo. 'Cause that's what friends do, Ringo." With each statement, I'd look Durpert in the face and search for a reaction, any reaction. I was going for a smile at the least. I knew it wasn't going to rekindle our friendship so easily but I at least wanted him/her to acknowledge my presence. But when I glanced at him/her, I saw nothing but a stern look.
It was then when I realized that yes, this was it. It's over.
This went on for a while. Surprisingly, I was really good at socializing with my friends whilst still avoiding Durpert. In fact, I made more friends with out him/her. Actually I'm going to do a little insert on why I think Durpert may have, in my opinion, overreacted to my mistake.
When Durpert and I arrived at my new school, I think we were both dependent upon each other or social support. There was this invisible rule that said we had to be best friends for the rest of our high school career because we shared the same town. It was weird but I somewhat agreed with that rule. And let's be honest, in middle school, I was a social loser. Really, I didn't have a lot of friends and the friends I did have were more like acquaintances. This was actually one of the reasons I wanted to go to an academy; because I didn't want to deal with my old school's classmates' shit. Anyway, this rule. It was followed for a while in Freshman year, even a few months. Durpert and I made friends but we made them together. See, the together part is important because it meant that the person we made friends with was a friend of mine as well as Durpert. This meant that there won't be people who would be able to call me their friend. But the rule was broken.
Durpert and I are opposites. So of course, I would have different interests than he/she would have. I like anime. He/She doesn't. So when I do find this one person who likes anime as much as I do, I started hanging out with him/her. Sometimes, I would spend more time with this new anime person than I would with Durpert. It was apparent that this was unsettling Durpert. And I really don't want to sound vain but perhaps he/she was jealous?
It's a weird thought, surely, but not completely unimaginable.
But it doesn't stop there. Let's go back to that period where Durpert doesn't speak to me at all. Yes, it went of for a long, long time. Yes, I was able to adjust. Yes, I felt somewhat relieved. Yes, I was having a little more fun (this is because Durpert has this really annoying OCD habit and would frequently call me for school work just about everyday and spam my email). What bothered me though, was that we were on unfriendly terms. He/She was not hostile or anything. Just cold. I think it was worse than being outright mean.
Believe it or not, it got better. Over time (and I don't know what caused this to happen), he/she began to speak snippets to me. Smile at me sometimes. And generally amicable towards me (although a little strained). Life went on.
Then I went and did something stupid.
I'm a stupid girl, really. Perhaps this might have seemed like a good idea then, but now...
Anyway, what I had done was, to find closure, ask Durpert if I could speak to him/her on the bus that day. I wasn't sure if we were friends again so I was planning on asking him/her to make sure. Or you know, put an end to this uncomfortable situation. It was Geometry class and Durpert was laughing and generally having a good time. I thought this was a good time to ask him/her because what could possibly go wrong. I thought when I'd ask him/her, "Can we talk on the bus?" he'd/she'd be plussed at most. But when I did ask, he/she went completely still and I've never seen a face transform from glee to cold so quickly. It unnerved me and suddenly I felt that this was a stupid idea. It was too late, though, he/she already said yes.
That whole day was, as cliché as this sounds, a blur. When I got on the bus that day, I sat in the back this time (I usually sat in the front and Durpert sat in the back). Durpert hesitated a while and spoke to his/her friend and it was obvious he/she was conflicted about talking to me.
He/She finally comes over to talk with me and for a few seconds just sits there.
"So...how is this gonna work?" I ask nervously. "How can I fix this."
Durpert just sits there looked a little unsure of himself/herself.
Adam Lambert's "What Do You Want From Me" is playing in the background and to be cheezy, I chuckle and say, "What do you want from me?"
This gets a little laugh from Durpert and at that moment I get this small glimmer of hope in my head that maybe, finally this is all over. Maybe it can go back the way it was so many days ago.
"I...I just don't think we can be friends anymore."
.
.
.
Boom. Just like that. It goes without saying that I spent the rest of the lengthy bus ride trying so. fucking. hard. not to cry. I'm being really honest here, it was so hard not to sob.
And so.
That's it.
.
.
.
After that, it went on like...weird. Durpert spoke to me when necessary, again, somewhat amicably. And I just nodded.
I really hope for whoever's reading this to know that I'm not trying to antagonize Durpert. I'm merely telling my side of the story. I'm sure that there are things I probably have missed or that I'm being biased.
.
.
.
Now, it's sophomore year. And Durpert is friendly towards me. He/She is hugging me, laughing with me, smiling at me, complementing me, making jokes with me and I can go on. What do I do? I reciprocate as if nothing had ever happened.
It's not as if other people don't notice. Several of our friends know some of what had happened and they think it's really unfortunate. As do I.
I have learned from this experience though. Like I've mentioned before I don't regret this experience. It just made me realize what a fool I was to believe that I could have such a perfect friend. A person who would forgive no matter what I did, especially something as trivial as academic mistakes. Someone who'd never turn their back on me.
But yes, I was foolish. I forgave Durpert for causing me so much pain, so much stress, whatever. I will never forgive myself, however, for pouring all my trust into that one person. It's made me realize that I really need to reduce the size of my trust-bubble and keep myself to myself. It's not as though I'm going to stop having friends; far from it. I just won't make the same mistake that I made with Durpert. That is -- to expect so much of that person.
.
.
.
And now you know, Eddie. Well, that's enough catharsis to last me a lifetime. So goodbye Durpert and I hope we could meet again, perhaps in another life? That would be nice. I hope you have a wonderful life and I'll silently be mourning.
~P
Elated because finally, I feel somewhat accomplished that I've gotten accepted into an educational institution from which I can actually learn something that I will apply later in life (maybe?). Because I've made my parents proud which will always be a good thing because I care for them so, so much. Because I won't have to deal with high schoolers who are obnoxious/loud/annoying, etc.
Nervous because I will have to make new friends. I'll have to ride a new bus (this always freaks me out, I don't know why). It's far away from where I live. The curriculum will rape my academic ass, beat it, shit on it and rape it again.
But the one thing - or person - that gave me a little comfort was Durpert. Well actually, I considered Durpert more of a rival for getting into the school in the first place because the smarter person automatically gets in. But since we both got in, it was okay. And we were friends from the same town and know what? We got along great!
It was fucking fantastic. I knew Durpert a little from 6th grade because he/she sat at my desk during Social Studies but that was it. I didn't know any else about him/her. Now that we go the same school though, we became best friendz forevasszz overnight. I really mean it. We had so, so much fun together, especially on the bus because we had other people from our town go to the same academy. I've never laughed so much in my life then.
But it wasn't as if I shouldn't have been expecting this. I mean, I knew from the beginning that Durpert was OCD. Very OCD. It got in the way. For example, we'd be working on a Chemistry Lab and we would always argue about the protocol or the results or something. We were completely polar opposites. And sometimes that would work wonderfully in our favour. Other times, it would cause us to not speak to each other.
We had very different opinions. I guess it could be said that I was laid-back while he/she was ... well, OCD. In retrospect, I should have seen it coming.
.
.
.
The first time it had happened, I thought it was hilarious. It was over a Spanish project and I'm still not sure what happened. I think it was something along the lines of me accusing him/her of not doing work. Here's how it was:
I sent my Spanish group an email asking them to read over the parts they've written so that there were no mistakes or anything like that. When no one responded, I replied to everyone saying something like: "Good job guys. No one did anything to look over. Haha, especially someone *cough* Durpert *cough*. :P Haha." It was meant as a joke. I remember I put in several "lols", "hahas" and ":P"s. But when Durpert saw the email, he/she got offended and when I came on the bus the next day, he/she wouldn't say a single word. So eventually I had to sit somewhere on the bus. At that point, I didn't even think it was possible that that email could have made him/her stop talking to me.
So...I did stuff. It. tore. me. apart.
I've never had a problem like this before. No one has walked out on me like that -- ever. I haven't even had a friend like him/her before. And when someone like that abruptly stops talking to you, it's painful.
I cried myself to sleep every single night that month.
Come February 1st, Durpert says "Happy birthday" and that "we need to talk. Let's do it on the bus"
Okay Durpert. You've taken my heart and ripped it out, sure you can talk to me as it is convenient for you. Why not?
So once on the bus, Durpert says to me, "It really hurt me."
I stare.
"The email."
I nod vigorously because I'm a loser.
"You hurt me. That email you sent made me really sad."
"Oh." I nodded again but at this point I'm not even paying attention to what he's/she's saying anymore. I just kept thinking that all those times that I've done stupid things to myself, all those times that I cried so hard that I was sure my stomach and lungs were going to collapse, was because of this email -- that he/she printed out to show me -- I've sent. The entire ordeal was so bizarre, I wanted to laugh. So I did.
It was a ridiculously high-pitched, stupid and utterly embarrassing nervous laugh. And even to me, it sounded so forced. Durpert looked at me funny and kept going.
"So..." A few seconds passed and it was clear that he/she wanted an apology.
From me.
On my birthday.
So what did I do?
"I'm sorry! Aw, I'm sorry..."
I try not to regret things in my life. Even if I know I did something wrong, I try to make it so that it turns into a good thing so that I don't wish it never happened. I feel as if if you do have regrets, it's just a waste of your life and I really don't want that. I want to gain from my mistakes.
So a minute or two after I said "I'm sorry! Aw, I'm sorry..." I regretted it.
First of all, let's make sure it is known that to this day, I still do not know what I did wrong in that email. Anyone care to enlighten me? This is not a rhetorical question that I'm asking to make myself feel better, really. I genuinely do not know.
Also let's step back a little and let Eddie know something about myself: before Durpert, I've never had such a close friend that I put so much trust in. I'm not sure whether whoever's reading can empathize with me, but for someone like that to break ties with me -- suddenly stop talking to me -- was a big blow. Again, I don't know if anyone can imagine but I took that blow hard. And did some very stupid things that again, I regret.
So back to the bus.
I said words of apology without really knowing that I was speaking at all and the entire bus ride home, my face hurt forcing myself to laugh or smile. I think, in Durpert's mind, everything was okay. Things were back to normal again. And I sat there, wearing false smiles and not being able to think.
.
.
.
I feel guilty for this and I don't even know why. But I don't remember much after we "made up." I forget how I felt after that day on the bus (my birthday) and I forget what happened in real life. I do have a valid reason for not being able to remember all this, though.
It's because the same ordeal happened all over again. I wish I can say something clever like, "History repeats itself, bitch" but I can't because this time it's slightly different. So in the words of Mark Twain, "History doesn't really repeat itself, but it has a nasty habit of rhyming."
So let's start again.
This happened in Spanish class again. I dunno, maybe this is the Universe (Multiverse?) trying to tell me that Spanish is not my language? But anyway, Durpert, another friend and I were in the same Spanish group again. It was some powerpoint thingy (see, I don't remember). And it was done, everything was good, I did my part and everything. We just had to finalize it before we sent it to the teacher.
So.
Durpert sent me the powerpoint and asked me to look it over. I didn't have time to at that moment, so I just went back to doing my other work. I was going to send him/her an email later about how I didn't have time and that I would do it later. But before I sent him/her an email about doing it later, he/she already sent the powerpoint to the teacher.
The next day on the bus, he/she ignored me.
The day after, he/she switched seats.
And the day after, it was the same.
So at first, I couldn't quite believe it. Again.I tried to make light of it, make fun of it. I had a ring of friends that Durpert and I shared. When we all sat at our lunch table I would make subtle blatant hints about friendship and friends and all various sorts of bullshit that might provoke Durpert to speak to me again.
If my friend (we shall her/him...Ringo!) Ringo gives me a cookie because he's/she's that nice, I'd say, "That's so nice, Ringo. You're such a good friend, Ringo. 'Cause that's what friends do, Ringo." With each statement, I'd look Durpert in the face and search for a reaction, any reaction. I was going for a smile at the least. I knew it wasn't going to rekindle our friendship so easily but I at least wanted him/her to acknowledge my presence. But when I glanced at him/her, I saw nothing but a stern look.
It was then when I realized that yes, this was it. It's over.
This went on for a while. Surprisingly, I was really good at socializing with my friends whilst still avoiding Durpert. In fact, I made more friends with out him/her. Actually I'm going to do a little insert on why I think Durpert may have, in my opinion, overreacted to my mistake.
When Durpert and I arrived at my new school, I think we were both dependent upon each other or social support. There was this invisible rule that said we had to be best friends for the rest of our high school career because we shared the same town. It was weird but I somewhat agreed with that rule. And let's be honest, in middle school, I was a social loser. Really, I didn't have a lot of friends and the friends I did have were more like acquaintances. This was actually one of the reasons I wanted to go to an academy; because I didn't want to deal with my old school's classmates' shit. Anyway, this rule. It was followed for a while in Freshman year, even a few months. Durpert and I made friends but we made them together. See, the together part is important because it meant that the person we made friends with was a friend of mine as well as Durpert. This meant that there won't be people who would be able to call me their friend. But the rule was broken.
Durpert and I are opposites. So of course, I would have different interests than he/she would have. I like anime. He/She doesn't. So when I do find this one person who likes anime as much as I do, I started hanging out with him/her. Sometimes, I would spend more time with this new anime person than I would with Durpert. It was apparent that this was unsettling Durpert. And I really don't want to sound vain but perhaps he/she was jealous?
It's a weird thought, surely, but not completely unimaginable.
But it doesn't stop there. Let's go back to that period where Durpert doesn't speak to me at all. Yes, it went of for a long, long time. Yes, I was able to adjust. Yes, I felt somewhat relieved. Yes, I was having a little more fun (this is because Durpert has this really annoying OCD habit and would frequently call me for school work just about everyday and spam my email). What bothered me though, was that we were on unfriendly terms. He/She was not hostile or anything. Just cold. I think it was worse than being outright mean.
Believe it or not, it got better. Over time (and I don't know what caused this to happen), he/she began to speak snippets to me. Smile at me sometimes. And generally amicable towards me (although a little strained). Life went on.
Then I went and did something stupid.
I'm a stupid girl, really. Perhaps this might have seemed like a good idea then, but now...
Anyway, what I had done was, to find closure, ask Durpert if I could speak to him/her on the bus that day. I wasn't sure if we were friends again so I was planning on asking him/her to make sure. Or you know, put an end to this uncomfortable situation. It was Geometry class and Durpert was laughing and generally having a good time. I thought this was a good time to ask him/her because what could possibly go wrong. I thought when I'd ask him/her, "Can we talk on the bus?" he'd/she'd be plussed at most. But when I did ask, he/she went completely still and I've never seen a face transform from glee to cold so quickly. It unnerved me and suddenly I felt that this was a stupid idea. It was too late, though, he/she already said yes.
That whole day was, as cliché as this sounds, a blur. When I got on the bus that day, I sat in the back this time (I usually sat in the front and Durpert sat in the back). Durpert hesitated a while and spoke to his/her friend and it was obvious he/she was conflicted about talking to me.
He/She finally comes over to talk with me and for a few seconds just sits there.
"So...how is this gonna work?" I ask nervously. "How can I fix this."
Durpert just sits there looked a little unsure of himself/herself.
Adam Lambert's "What Do You Want From Me" is playing in the background and to be cheezy, I chuckle and say, "What do you want from me?"
This gets a little laugh from Durpert and at that moment I get this small glimmer of hope in my head that maybe, finally this is all over. Maybe it can go back the way it was so many days ago.
"I...I just don't think we can be friends anymore."
.
.
.
Boom. Just like that. It goes without saying that I spent the rest of the lengthy bus ride trying so. fucking. hard. not to cry. I'm being really honest here, it was so hard not to sob.
And so.
That's it.
.
.
.
After that, it went on like...weird. Durpert spoke to me when necessary, again, somewhat amicably. And I just nodded.
I really hope for whoever's reading this to know that I'm not trying to antagonize Durpert. I'm merely telling my side of the story. I'm sure that there are things I probably have missed or that I'm being biased.
.
.
.
Now, it's sophomore year. And Durpert is friendly towards me. He/She is hugging me, laughing with me, smiling at me, complementing me, making jokes with me and I can go on. What do I do? I reciprocate as if nothing had ever happened.
It's not as if other people don't notice. Several of our friends know some of what had happened and they think it's really unfortunate. As do I.
I have learned from this experience though. Like I've mentioned before I don't regret this experience. It just made me realize what a fool I was to believe that I could have such a perfect friend. A person who would forgive no matter what I did, especially something as trivial as academic mistakes. Someone who'd never turn their back on me.
But yes, I was foolish. I forgave Durpert for causing me so much pain, so much stress, whatever. I will never forgive myself, however, for pouring all my trust into that one person. It's made me realize that I really need to reduce the size of my trust-bubble and keep myself to myself. It's not as though I'm going to stop having friends; far from it. I just won't make the same mistake that I made with Durpert. That is -- to expect so much of that person.
.
.
.
And now you know, Eddie. Well, that's enough catharsis to last me a lifetime. So goodbye Durpert and I hope we could meet again, perhaps in another life? That would be nice. I hope you have a wonderful life and I'll silently be mourning.
~P