Stepping out of my skin and homesickness
I want to remove my skin and step out of my body. Because yes, if I could just be an observer and watch everything as it happens, wouldn't that be so much easier?
As of late, life has consisted of little other than lazy Sundays watching Bollywood movies, listening to slow electronica and making a minimal effort at academics.
I'm losing my hair due to stress, like.
Contradiction much? Almost like a Scotch-Korean. Almost.
But it's not even as if I want to shed my skin. I want to claw at it, tear it apart, mutilate it enough so that I can essentially step out of my physical being and disappear.
Because yes, that would be so much easier.
I miss home. Maybe if I never came to this place, I would be a different person. What if I stayed in my home country and live my life as if nothing had happened? I think, if I never came here, I would be a lot less uncomfortable or upset or disappointed. I think I might have been happier too. I sometimes wish I never knew all the things I know now; so that I wouldn't have to fear losing them.
At the same time, there is this ridiculously bothersome notion in the back of my head, begging for me to never imagine the possibility because if I do, I may not be satisfied with the life I have. That, I think, is one of my worst fears because if I don't like the life I have now, I can't go anywhere else. There is nothing I can do.
But I've been taught that no matter what, everything happens for a reason. Everything. That, to me, is reassuring because even though it may seem like everything is predetermined, it's more of the fact that there is a reason for those things happening. And I like to believe that those reasons are in the end, beneficial. If I make myself believe that everything that happens is for my own good, I know I don't have to worry about anything.
And yet, I still can't help but wonder: what if I had done something differently in the past? How much of an effect would that have on my life today?
Ah...I wanna go home! *flail-whine*
~P
As of late, life has consisted of little other than lazy Sundays watching Bollywood movies, listening to slow electronica and making a minimal effort at academics.
I'm losing my hair due to stress, like.
Contradiction much? Almost like a Scotch-Korean. Almost.
But it's not even as if I want to shed my skin. I want to claw at it, tear it apart, mutilate it enough so that I can essentially step out of my physical being and disappear.
Because yes, that would be so much easier.
I miss home. Maybe if I never came to this place, I would be a different person. What if I stayed in my home country and live my life as if nothing had happened? I think, if I never came here, I would be a lot less uncomfortable or upset or disappointed. I think I might have been happier too. I sometimes wish I never knew all the things I know now; so that I wouldn't have to fear losing them.
At the same time, there is this ridiculously bothersome notion in the back of my head, begging for me to never imagine the possibility because if I do, I may not be satisfied with the life I have. That, I think, is one of my worst fears because if I don't like the life I have now, I can't go anywhere else. There is nothing I can do.
But I've been taught that no matter what, everything happens for a reason. Everything. That, to me, is reassuring because even though it may seem like everything is predetermined, it's more of the fact that there is a reason for those things happening. And I like to believe that those reasons are in the end, beneficial. If I make myself believe that everything that happens is for my own good, I know I don't have to worry about anything.
And yet, I still can't help but wonder: what if I had done something differently in the past? How much of an effect would that have on my life today?
Ah...I wanna go home! *flail-whine*
~P