Jesus, how to reconcile…
Originally published at Dancin' In The Wind.... Please leave any comments there.
*sighs* gosh…that title is said in such an amazing, emotion capturing sigh in the song. It completely ’gets’ this. Pete did this song so amazingly. haha..yes…I did just say that :-p
I’ve been listening to:
Drainpipe-Phil
Drown-Phil
A Little’s Enough-AVA
Awe-Phil (just added that in the last hour due to 1, not hearing it in a while and 2, there’s one part of the chorus that always makes me really happy…the second saying of “awe” in the chorus- the ’scale’ feel that has is incredibly fun)
in a ‘playlist’ that’s been on repeat for the past 3.5 hours. And it’s been amazing.
Have I accomplished anything tonight? no. Which means I’ll probably get a super low grade in my keyboarding class, but their rules on how to set up a stupid time test were far too…idiotic to read at like 2am. Granted, I slept all day, so it’s like reading them at noon lol, but still.
Why can’t they let me just do the work instead of making me jump through their stupid little hoops?
It amazes me that as long as it’s been out I’m still completely and totally engulfed in Drainpipe. This is definitely the longest I’ve been so enchanted by a song. Ever.
Okay…change in songs….new ‘repeating playlist’:
The Moment I Said It- Imogen Heap (piano and vocals are stunning- a very ‘losing control, going mad’ kind of song, lyrically and musically, but I adore it)
Drainpipe- Phil (lol..I just…can’t get away from it- it still brings me to tears)
I Live To Fall Asleep- Manic Street Preachers (love the jazzy, yet not jazz feel to it- vocals are unbeatable, always takes me to a dreamlike place)
Without You Here- Goo Goo Dolls (haven’t listened to it in a few days…miss it lol)
Laugh Until You Die- The Motel Beds (what a beautiful song ‘may you laugh, until you die’…it’s such a happy song. Makes life seem simple, even if just for those two short minutes!)
Portland Is Leaving- Rocky Votolato (trying to describe this song is impossible. It’s like…absolutely perfect. ’sounds too simple, love is the only answer, everything else is, just a trainwreck’…yea…perfect!)
*dies* such a musical/getting nothing accomplished kind of night.
Yes…that was indeed my attempt to shove my musical likings down other peoples throats without it being obvious. I didn’t think I did a good job at being sneaky, so you know…might as well blow my own cover.
I need to learn how to play music. I think if I had that talent, I’d be quite good actually. I’ve got a bunch of stuff…energy, if you will, just fwaring (yes fwaring…yes, I did indeed just make that up lol- couldn’t find a word I liked, so make one) around inside me that hasn’t found any outlet yet. The problem, of course, is not having the talent.
I don’t want to learn music though. It should be natural. I guess I’m stuck up in that sense. In anything art related- it’s a total all or nothing thing with me. Born with natural talent, or forget it. Does that mean I’m against lessons and stuff? no. I just think it gets weird, for me personally, if you show absolutely no natural talent, force yourself into learning something, and then ‘get it’.
It’s so annoying. I often think I have the feeling part down, but I’m always gut-wrenchingly horrid at things I try out. How horrid is it that I just said “I think I have the feeling part down”. I think too much. And I drive myself crazy with it.
*sighs* I really need a sunny day. A sunny day that isn’t a weekend.
I’m thinking about going downtown the next time we have a sunny weekday and hang around on the circle. That or just get in the car and drive. I’m desperately needing my own little oasis…my garden.
I hate being a girl. I’m the single most untrusting girl in the world. I’m scared to death to go somewhere completely secluded outside all alone, but it’s my dream. It’s what I long for. Total seclusion. Worth the risk? Definitely. It’s a hyper-paranoid risk created by my mind anyways. I was scared my drivers ed teacher was going to kidnap me while on the drive part of it.
I need self expression.
I need self expression that I’m good at.
I need my oasis.
I need to be safely alone.
I need to get over my disgust with support letters as,
I need to send in half of my Mexico funds in June.
I need to understand others.
I need to understand myself.
I need to go shopping for new pants. I have 3 pairs.
I need to feel God as much as I did last month.
I need to ‘live’ God as much as I did last month.
I need to finish my already late $100 homework.
I need to finish it and send it in by the 24th, or I fail.
I need a passion that isn’t as vague as mine all are now.
I need to stop staying up so late.
I need to stop running off of caffeine alone.
I need to realize when I do those 2, I become amazingly depressed at night.
I need to grow up and stop wasting time.
I need to do what I need to do, instead of listening to music for 6 hours.
I need to get out of the house.
I need friends who I can go to Starbucks with and sit and talk for hours.
I need someone that gets me in and out.
I need to trust people.
I need to get close enough to people to trust them first.
I need to stop acting like I can avoid responsibilities my entire life.
I need to realize that in order to accomplish what I want,
I need to sift through the muck first.
I need to be stuck.
I need to be completely without an ‘out’.
I need to talk to a few people in particular.
I need to accept that I only know about half of those people.
I need to get away.
I need to reprioritze in an overall sense, not just short term as I have before
I need to stop being so stubborn and resistant to change.
I need to do something, see something I created that is me.
I need something that captures what I want it to capture.
I need to realize that liking real, raw, honest people, doesn’t make me one.
I need to need.
I need to be absolutely desperate.
I need to be striving for truth.
I need to stop taking everything for granted.
I [desperately] need to crumble.
I need to break down.
I [don’t] need to be broken but,
I need to break. Completely.
I need to freak out, break down, and start over.
I need to realize that that’s the ugly way, that I’m not meant to go.
I need to realize that that’s the easy way. That’s the comfortable way.
I need to realize that that’s the familiar way. The way of old.
I need to stop thinking about what I need.
I need to realize it’s already known.
I need to realize it’s already taken care of.
I need to trust.
*sighs* long night. I take that back, it was a short night. The past hour has been very long though. And for once, my day will only be longer, as I will be doing school work while I’m incredibly tired. Tomorrow (today?) will be an interesting day. A day I’m not looking forward to being a part of. Can we skip to Friday please? Can I be bailed out one last time so I can stop stressing out? I’ve had enough to think about without school. I’m not even IN school, I forget about it for 7 weeks, and cram the last two. I opened my keyboarding book for the first time today. Funny how my first 9wks stuff was due a month ago, and I’m choosing NOW to open up my book? lovely.
A GED would be so much easier. So much more…me. But even though I’m technically taking short cuts, I’m, for once, going to stick something out no matter how long it takes.
*sighs* I need motivation so badly. If I could just see where I’m going, I would have motivation to get there, but blindly walking into something just seems pointless. It doesn’t scare me, but it’s like…why work for something that I don’t even know exists? Why work for a nameless faceless future? I think I have an idea though. Believe it or not. Lots of research going into this one. Oddly enough, I can see how it fits. God is so weird…so so weird in the way He chooses to show things.
*takes a step back to think* yea…haha…that’s just the slightest bit creepy that I say “I need motivation” and like…4 lines later, something very…different comes about? Yea…that makes it doubly official. God is amazing. I need major God time. Not just normal God time…but…extended God time. Remind me again why you generally have to be 21 or whatever to rent a hotel room? Because a few nights in a very distraction-free place such as that, totally alone, and safe…that sounds quite lovely. I shall find a way to make due with whatever scraps I’m thrown though. Allow the scraps to be turned into a feast. *sighs* yea…those who say trusting in God is an ‘easy escape’ or whatever…gooosh…experience it before you say it. This isn’t easy- I don’t mean that in an unsatisfied way, it’s not about being satisfied, it’s about what’s going to happen, what needs to happen, but yea…it’s definitely not easy, and the moments of going off pure trust, that’s not overly enjoyable when it’s such a new concept.
*random note* it’s amazing how much I grasp ‘The Orphan’ now. Before, I thought it was a rather random song, but after getting into the Word, you start to learn things. *gasps* yea…who would have thought *rolls eyes* lol