Pathfinder: The Mummy's Mask : Deluxe Pyramid Tour
The Pharaoh’s pyramid has spikes, and lightning.
Nemat: Oh god, he’s gone full edgelord.
He also has colossal scorpions as guard dogs, which does him no good at all since the entire party is invisible and flying. Doesn’t stop the slightly-built woman that appears out of thin air and a blast of trumpets at the top of the pyramid and strolls unconcerned down the side towards us. It’s the same woman who was doing the illicit research in the secret library, months ago. She addresses us, the entire area, and, as we’ll learn later, is doing the same from smaller pyramids hovering over every major town in Osirion.
Spokeswoman: These are the words of Hakotep the First, Lord of the Sands, Scourge of the Shory, Most Beloved Son of Set, Glorious and Eternal Sky Pharaoh of Osirion! Let all who would grow wise fall silent and listen!
Zenobia: Well, we can probably still hear her if we go inside, so let's go inside.
Nemat: No no, she might give the game away.
Zenobia: ‘Don’t stop the bad guys when they’re monologuing’
Spokeswoman: Rejoice, faithful of Osirion! Your god and pharaoh has returned to rule over His lands and His people with strength and wisdom, to return the kingdom to the glory lost by His unworthy successors!
Nemat: Actually she’s not saying anything useful, I’ll just cast Silence.
The woman splits into two, one image continuing her spiel, and the other looking at us and heading towards us.
Spokeswoman: Is it you who called down the pyramid? Who would dare impede the Sky Pharaoh in his divine undertaking? Who would stand in the way of a living god?
Asrian: Yes.
Zenobia: Well, we’re not going to lie.
She seems a bit unprepared to deal with anybody that isn’t as prolix as her.
GM: STOP BREAKING THE NPCs
Spokeswoman: If you wish to meet He who wields the Crook and Flail of Kings, you must demonstrate your worthiness by traversing the Fourfold Path-Walk on the Wind, Breathe in the Water, Swim through the Soil, and Dance in the Fire. Only those sorely tested may come into the divine presence of the Most Beloved Son of Set.
Nemat: I can do all of those. But I’ll need Onka’s help for one of them.
Asrian: Or we can just obliterate you.
Spokeswoman: I would like to see you try.
Nemat: Thank you! That’s exactly what we were waiting for - permission!
But the spokeswoman is clearly an illusory projection.
Nemat: I’m not going to waste a reply on somebody who doesn’t have the courage to be here in person.
Spokeswoman: *smiling sweetly* Then perhaps, mortal, we shall meet in person.
Hopefully we’ll survive that long - some of the challenges inside the pyramid are amazingly nasty.
Nemat: Did you just kinkshame a chaos beast to death?
We also discover that some of the sarcophagi are just painted wood.
Asrian: I’m getting the impression that Pharoah-guy is just cheap.
He probably spent all the money on the Hurricane Shaft - not fun. Especially since we literally have enough rope to hang ourselves. Asrian manages to run up along the wall without being Mixmastered, to place some helpful ropes.
Zenobia OoC: At least I don’t have a heart attack.
GM: You do see her slip.
Asrian: She’s seen my slip many times.
And of course then something like this happens
And who would have guessed that a thorough knowledge of funeral practises would be relevant? We all turn to our local expert, Nemat. Of course after so many instances of poorly done funerals leading to Problems, having a properly done funeral leading to Bigger Problems is entirely apropo for this campaign.
Zenobia: Can Nightmare Vapour poison be counteracted by cuddling?
And it looks like somebody actually considered the possibility of adventures flitting around like swallows, since Asrian triggers a Dispel Magic trap while she’s flying over a 300ft-deep shaft.
Zenobia OoC: And now Zenobia has that heart attack.
Fortunately it negated her Delay Poison first, and she knows Featherfall anyway. It also turns out that the Pharaoh had a rather geeky son that Nemat probably would have quite liked, and that the Pharaoh thought well enough of to get a statue of Thoth made to represent him. He might have been an evil ****, but at least he was fond of his kid. Typically arrogant, of course. The kid’s mum, on the other hand, was apparently a follower of the Dark Tapestry.
Asrian: So she’s probably gone on to her fate worse than death.
Onka: And good riddance.
Unfortunately it looks like we’re going to break into the kid’s sarcophagus. None of us want to - he seems like he would have been an OK kid. Maybe we should ask his spirit for permission first?
GM: oh my god why must my players try to make friends with everything including THE LONG DEAD. They've Undertale'd half this adventure I swear.
Even if the Pharaoh didn’t go bonkers until after his son was killed, it’s practically certain that the sarcophagus will be trapped out the wazoo.
Zenobia: Well, at least it’ll give Nemat more time to copy down the hieroglyphs.
As it turns out, it’s enchanted with a illusory trap.
Onka: So cheap he didn’t even set traps on his own son’s grave.
Zenobia: Better than getting a False Negative on the Detect Traps..
Even better would be not having to fight a pair of giant fire-immune lightning birds. Asrian’s skillset isn’t going to be very useful here.
Zenobia: You’ll just have to handle the Wand of Cure Light Wounds.
Nemat: I refrain from commenting on your knowledge of her wand-handling skills.
Zenobia OoC: If I CAN banish them it’ll be Thunderbirds Go!
Nemat Chains of Light them - they plummet to the bottom of the 300ft shaft.
Asrian: That might not kill them.
Nemat: It’s THUDD at the very least.
Zenobia OoC: Now we defeated the Zapdosses, do we put them in our Pokéballs?
GM: ah, so that's why Asrian fell in love, you can't help but boop that snoot
Asrian OoC: That, and taking a lover who wouldn't judge her appearance. Asrian has serious body image problems.
Nemat OoC: I need healing, I have a booboo.
Asrian OoC: Imagine how much you’d need if you had a Yogi.
Zenobia: Would it be asking for trouble if we take bets on what’s in the next tomb?
Asrian: Yes.
Zenobia: Just as well I’m not a gambling gnoll then.
Nemat: Well, the last few were thematically appropriate, so the shrine of the Sphinx will be a sphinx. Or my girlfriend, according to you guys.
It’s a mummified sphinx.
Zenobia: Your girlfriend isn’t looking too well there.
Androsphinx: *hisses* Finally, some visitors!
Asrian: Do you need a cough drop?
Androsphinx: I’ve been here ten thousand years, I don’t think a cough drop will achieve much.
Nemat: Actually it’s been closer to two and half.
Androsphinx: It felt much longer.
Zenobia is appalled that a thinking being has been locked up in here that long without any contact with the outside world or even anything to read. We attempt our usual trick of talking them around to our side, or even just escorting them out of the pyramid for some fresh air.
Nemat: Oh no we aren’t - do I have to explain androsphinxs? They’re evil rapists. And probably have baby-eating in their description. If anything, becoming a mummy probably improved his disposition.
Androsphinx: So do you want the riddle or do you want me to eat you?
Nemat: Oh, we’ll try the riddle first.
Androsphinx: Excellent choice, I do so enjoy them.
He gives us the riddle, which Zenobia solves instantly:
Asrian: She from the desert. There’s nothing to talk about but sand and camels out there.
Nemat: Allow us to introduce ourselves - we’re the Covenant of Wati. Adventurers and scholars.
Androsphinx: Ah. Not the usual meatheads then. Well, do what you want, I’ll be back in ten minutes. I’m going for a walk.
We’re left in charge of one of the control panels for the Pharaoh’s fleet of flying pyramids. Asrian suggests we order them to fly into an infamous manastorm that should scuttle them quite nicely. Or better yet, just inform them all that the Covenant of Wati has infiltrated the other pyramids and they should attack each other. And then shut down the interface completely. Pity we don’t have time to saw it off the base and take it with us.
Asrian: It’s emerald, I want it.
Zenobia: I thought it was gnolls that like emeralds.
We head off to sabotage another level of the main pyramid, although we do return the late Prince’s mask.
Asrian: It’s not his fault his dad is a d***.
Unfortunately the next level apparently requires the sacrifice of a sentient humanoid before we can get in.
Nemat: Or I can just knock repeatedly, because f*** that s***
GM: There’s no response.
Nemat: I meant knocking with my adamantium hammer.
Unfortunately, the entire passage is trapped and we get somewhat toasted. It would appear the entire area is the home of some kind of major fire demon. This, presumably, is the Path of Fire.
Nemat: Oh god, he’s gone full edgelord.
He also has colossal scorpions as guard dogs, which does him no good at all since the entire party is invisible and flying. Doesn’t stop the slightly-built woman that appears out of thin air and a blast of trumpets at the top of the pyramid and strolls unconcerned down the side towards us. It’s the same woman who was doing the illicit research in the secret library, months ago. She addresses us, the entire area, and, as we’ll learn later, is doing the same from smaller pyramids hovering over every major town in Osirion.
Spokeswoman: These are the words of Hakotep the First, Lord of the Sands, Scourge of the Shory, Most Beloved Son of Set, Glorious and Eternal Sky Pharaoh of Osirion! Let all who would grow wise fall silent and listen!
Zenobia: Well, we can probably still hear her if we go inside, so let's go inside.
Nemat: No no, she might give the game away.
Zenobia: ‘Don’t stop the bad guys when they’re monologuing’
Spokeswoman: Rejoice, faithful of Osirion! Your god and pharaoh has returned to rule over His lands and His people with strength and wisdom, to return the kingdom to the glory lost by His unworthy successors!
Nemat: Actually she’s not saying anything useful, I’ll just cast Silence.
The woman splits into two, one image continuing her spiel, and the other looking at us and heading towards us.
Spokeswoman: Is it you who called down the pyramid? Who would dare impede the Sky Pharaoh in his divine undertaking? Who would stand in the way of a living god?
Asrian: Yes.
Zenobia: Well, we’re not going to lie.
She seems a bit unprepared to deal with anybody that isn’t as prolix as her.
GM: STOP BREAKING THE NPCs
Spokeswoman: If you wish to meet He who wields the Crook and Flail of Kings, you must demonstrate your worthiness by traversing the Fourfold Path-Walk on the Wind, Breathe in the Water, Swim through the Soil, and Dance in the Fire. Only those sorely tested may come into the divine presence of the Most Beloved Son of Set.
Nemat: I can do all of those. But I’ll need Onka’s help for one of them.
Asrian: Or we can just obliterate you.
Spokeswoman: I would like to see you try.
Nemat: Thank you! That’s exactly what we were waiting for - permission!
But the spokeswoman is clearly an illusory projection.
Nemat: I’m not going to waste a reply on somebody who doesn’t have the courage to be here in person.
Spokeswoman: *smiling sweetly* Then perhaps, mortal, we shall meet in person.
Hopefully we’ll survive that long - some of the challenges inside the pyramid are amazingly nasty.
Nemat: Did you just kinkshame a chaos beast to death?
We also discover that some of the sarcophagi are just painted wood.
Asrian: I’m getting the impression that Pharoah-guy is just cheap.
He probably spent all the money on the Hurricane Shaft - not fun. Especially since we literally have enough rope to hang ourselves. Asrian manages to run up along the wall without being Mixmastered, to place some helpful ropes.
Zenobia OoC: At least I don’t have a heart attack.
GM: You do see her slip.
Asrian: She’s seen my slip many times.
And of course then something like this happens
And who would have guessed that a thorough knowledge of funeral practises would be relevant? We all turn to our local expert, Nemat. Of course after so many instances of poorly done funerals leading to Problems, having a properly done funeral leading to Bigger Problems is entirely apropo for this campaign.
Zenobia: Can Nightmare Vapour poison be counteracted by cuddling?
And it looks like somebody actually considered the possibility of adventures flitting around like swallows, since Asrian triggers a Dispel Magic trap while she’s flying over a 300ft-deep shaft.
Zenobia OoC: And now Zenobia has that heart attack.
Fortunately it negated her Delay Poison first, and she knows Featherfall anyway. It also turns out that the Pharaoh had a rather geeky son that Nemat probably would have quite liked, and that the Pharaoh thought well enough of to get a statue of Thoth made to represent him. He might have been an evil ****, but at least he was fond of his kid. Typically arrogant, of course. The kid’s mum, on the other hand, was apparently a follower of the Dark Tapestry.
Asrian: So she’s probably gone on to her fate worse than death.
Onka: And good riddance.
Unfortunately it looks like we’re going to break into the kid’s sarcophagus. None of us want to - he seems like he would have been an OK kid. Maybe we should ask his spirit for permission first?
GM: oh my god why must my players try to make friends with everything including THE LONG DEAD. They've Undertale'd half this adventure I swear.
Even if the Pharaoh didn’t go bonkers until after his son was killed, it’s practically certain that the sarcophagus will be trapped out the wazoo.
Zenobia: Well, at least it’ll give Nemat more time to copy down the hieroglyphs.
As it turns out, it’s enchanted with a illusory trap.
Onka: So cheap he didn’t even set traps on his own son’s grave.
Zenobia: Better than getting a False Negative on the Detect Traps..
Even better would be not having to fight a pair of giant fire-immune lightning birds. Asrian’s skillset isn’t going to be very useful here.
Zenobia: You’ll just have to handle the Wand of Cure Light Wounds.
Nemat: I refrain from commenting on your knowledge of her wand-handling skills.
Zenobia OoC: If I CAN banish them it’ll be Thunderbirds Go!
Nemat Chains of Light them - they plummet to the bottom of the 300ft shaft.
Asrian: That might not kill them.
Nemat: It’s THUDD at the very least.
Zenobia OoC: Now we defeated the Zapdosses, do we put them in our Pokéballs?
GM: ah, so that's why Asrian fell in love, you can't help but boop that snoot
Asrian OoC: That, and taking a lover who wouldn't judge her appearance. Asrian has serious body image problems.
Nemat OoC: I need healing, I have a booboo.
Asrian OoC: Imagine how much you’d need if you had a Yogi.
Zenobia: Would it be asking for trouble if we take bets on what’s in the next tomb?
Asrian: Yes.
Zenobia: Just as well I’m not a gambling gnoll then.
Nemat: Well, the last few were thematically appropriate, so the shrine of the Sphinx will be a sphinx. Or my girlfriend, according to you guys.
It’s a mummified sphinx.
Zenobia: Your girlfriend isn’t looking too well there.
Androsphinx: *hisses* Finally, some visitors!
Asrian: Do you need a cough drop?
Androsphinx: I’ve been here ten thousand years, I don’t think a cough drop will achieve much.
Nemat: Actually it’s been closer to two and half.
Androsphinx: It felt much longer.
Zenobia is appalled that a thinking being has been locked up in here that long without any contact with the outside world or even anything to read. We attempt our usual trick of talking them around to our side, or even just escorting them out of the pyramid for some fresh air.
Nemat: Oh no we aren’t - do I have to explain androsphinxs? They’re evil rapists. And probably have baby-eating in their description. If anything, becoming a mummy probably improved his disposition.
Androsphinx: So do you want the riddle or do you want me to eat you?
Nemat: Oh, we’ll try the riddle first.
Androsphinx: Excellent choice, I do so enjoy them.
He gives us the riddle, which Zenobia solves instantly:
Asrian: She from the desert. There’s nothing to talk about but sand and camels out there.
Nemat: Allow us to introduce ourselves - we’re the Covenant of Wati. Adventurers and scholars.
Androsphinx: Ah. Not the usual meatheads then. Well, do what you want, I’ll be back in ten minutes. I’m going for a walk.
We’re left in charge of one of the control panels for the Pharaoh’s fleet of flying pyramids. Asrian suggests we order them to fly into an infamous manastorm that should scuttle them quite nicely. Or better yet, just inform them all that the Covenant of Wati has infiltrated the other pyramids and they should attack each other. And then shut down the interface completely. Pity we don’t have time to saw it off the base and take it with us.
Asrian: It’s emerald, I want it.
Zenobia: I thought it was gnolls that like emeralds.
We head off to sabotage another level of the main pyramid, although we do return the late Prince’s mask.
Asrian: It’s not his fault his dad is a d***.
Unfortunately the next level apparently requires the sacrifice of a sentient humanoid before we can get in.
Nemat: Or I can just knock repeatedly, because f*** that s***
GM: There’s no response.
Nemat: I meant knocking with my adamantium hammer.
Unfortunately, the entire passage is trapped and we get somewhat toasted. It would appear the entire area is the home of some kind of major fire demon. This, presumably, is the Path of Fire.