The Majestic Potoobear, and Things To Do With Small Rodents
From the longer-running D&D campaign - Off to Tribor and the Temple of Elemental Pains-in-the-Arse
GM: Those Aarakocra are still following you, discreetly.
Lamech: Circling like vultures.
We're crossing the hills on the most direct route possible, and spot a wolf ahead of us.
GM: It's dropping markers every few minutes.
Kerak: ... You mean peeing.
GM: .... Yes.
It's the druid's assistant, making sure we don't get lost. What a shame he didn't notice the monster encounter he lead us straight into.
Lamech: Well, that's what comes of spending an hour following a Shitzu.
Kavorog failed to notice the ambush either.
Lamech: Too busy thinking about the Blue Knight, were you?
Kavorog: Dat Ass!
GM: The orc longbows target the unarmoured dragonborn!
Kavorog: Unarmed? Pff.
Lamech: It's the boob window.
Still, after a hard battle, we prevail for long enough to consider looting the bodies.
Kerak: Should we really pick that sword up? The Orc said it needed to drink the gnome's blood.
Lamech: Reasonable grounds for suspicion, I believe is the legal term.
Kerak: A bit dodgy, in the colloquial.
And from the more recently started one. This session was such non-stop wit and filthy jokes that I missed recording at least half of them.
Learning the spell Web
Salazar: Yes, Dirty Franz covers everything in sticky white stuff.
Ewen: And I promptly set myself on fire.
Salazar OoC: One of my characters in the other game learned the legendary Bukkake Missile.
Salazar: I might be nastier than the tiefling, but I AM human.
Heather: Eh, jury's still out on that.
The Dirty Franz Guide to Schools of Magic
Salazar: Abjuration - Dirty Frank smells so bad things go away
Heather: Conjuration - Dirty Franz smells so bad he attracts wild animals. Divination - Dirty Franz gets so high on his own stink he can see into the fucking future.
Salazar: Enchantment - People keep Dirty Franz around for some reason. We think this is why.
Heather: Evocation - I AM the boomstick !
Ewen: Dirty Franz smells OFFENSIVELY bad
Heather: Illusion - Dirty Franz smells so bad he warps OTHER people's perception of reality. Necromancy - Smells so bad even the dead get up and walk away.
Ewen: Or the dead assume he's already a Lich and do what he says.
Heather: Transmutation - Dirty Franz smells so bad he warps reality.
Heather: I can suddenly talk to animals!.... I'm one step closer to becoming a Disney Princess.
Dirty Franz: We found evidence he was going to kidnap us.... And killed him first.
Jurgen: Sequence of events is important. But not in this case.
Ewen: Maybe in court.
Heather speaks to some rats on the far side of a door.
Heather: My time has come.... Squeak! SQUEAK SQUEAK! SQUEAKUM!
Rat: Where is my master?
Heather: I'm your new master!
Rat: You don't sound like a wizard.
Heather: ... That's because I'm a wizard's apprentice!
The room is a wizard's lab and library - the rat peers at us from among the alchemical equipment.
Jurgen: Nobody insult the rat, he has a retort ready.
All: *groan*
Salazar: ... My fault, I listened.
GM: Dirty Franz has it made - all the wizard's spellbooks and scrolls are here.
Salazar: Can Franz even read?
Dirty Franz: Dirty Franz always on lookout for soft paper.
Rat: I have a bit of an issue here - you killed my master.
Ewen: Well he was being a bit of a dick.
The bigger problem is that with the wizard dead, the rat familiar will soon dissipate back into the realms of plot convenience.
Heather: So, does anybody know the Find Familiar spell?
Dirty Franz: *holds up hand*
Heather: Yes, what is it Franz? Do you need to go to the toilet? Lie down? Sleep?
Dirty Franz: Dirty Franz knows Familiar spell.
Heather: Why am I not surprised you talk to vermin.
Dirty Franz: Dirty Franz had gerbil once. His name was Lemmiwinks.
All: ....
Ewen's player: Now where have I heard that name before.... Oh god.
Salazar OoC : And moving swiftly on!!! Right now!
Dirty Franz: I kept him in my Dimensional Pocket.
Ewen: Argghhhh!
Heather: OK, I want to know... But I'm afraid to ask.
Salazar: I know some people that will pay good coin for an invisibility potion. Back at the Academy.
Heather: Oh?
Salazar: Yes. Professors, mostly.
Heather: ... D:
Dirty Franz: They have to avoid the students somehow.
Salazar: 'Avoid'?
Dirty Franz OoC: Spider Climb will be a useful Buff.
Heather OoC: Useful for you too.
Dirty Franz OoC: Yes, you can wake up in the middle of the night to find Franz clinging to the ceiling, watching you.
Heather: .... Go back to sleep.
Ewen: If I ever wake up to something like that, I'm setting the ceiling on fire.
Salazar: You know Heather, if you really want to learn how to be a Princess, you have to master the art of gargling walnuts.
Heather: That sounds difficult. Do you do it with water?
Salazar: Generally no.
Heather: Is it really worth learning?
Salazar: You'll find it invaluable on your wedding night.
Heather: Why do people keep going on about my wedding night? I thought I'd be too busy fucking to need all this other stuff.
Heather: I suspect Franz will be getting a lot of use out of the ability to see through his familiar's eyes.
GM: And the rat will be doing a lot of covering its own eyes and screaming.
Rat: Brain Bleach! Brain Bleach!
Heather: Why is it that it's the teifling and the warlock that make me LEAST uncomfortable?
Salazar: Because humans are scum.
Heather: Why are they still using copper coins? Haven't they heard of inflation?
We also find a roomful of bugbears 'demeaning' a goblin.
GM: I'm sparing you the details.
Dirty Franz OoC: You forget what kind of party this is. The goblin failed his Anal Circumference test, did he?
Salazar: Wait... You said the bugbears are busy 'demeaning' the goblin? Exactly how much armour are they wearing?
GM: ..... fuck.
GM: The bugbear is very angry and swings both morningstars.
Dirty Franz OoC: 'Both'?
GM: *sigh* Alright, all three morningstars.
Salazar: OK - I unarmed-attack the bugbear *does 23 points of damage*And now I have him grappled... By the 'morningstar'.
Bugbear: *screams*
Salazar OoC: Well, the rules say grapple controls his movement XD
Jurgen makes swift work of another bugbear.
Ewen: And every hit was to the junk.
GM: And the bugbear is dead.
Dirty Franz OoC: And converted to Judaism.
Heather: I can't believe you did all that slashing damage to his 'morningstar'.
Salazar finishes off the first bugbear.
GM: *sigh*and you have a trophy.
Salazar: And now I can say to the next person that annoys me 'The last person who annoyed me, I tore his dick off.'
Salazar: Now how am I ever expected to top this?
Heather: For gods sake man, stop waving that thing around!
Salazar has a conversation with the goblin.
Salazar: Get to Charsmouth, and ask around the docks for Slippery Eli. The person, not the sex act.
Heather: What??
Salazar: If he gets to Charsmouth alive and delivers this letter, he's got a job. Eli's always after fresh talent. And if he can survive five minutes with bugbears without getting his neck snapped, he's obviously got potential.
There's also a set of slave cages, and a pile of discarded clothes. Dirty Franz gets to work on his annual change of wardrobe.
GM: It's not just the current prisoner's clothes. It's quite a large pile.
Dirty Franz OoC: That's OK, I'll go for the layered look.
Heather: The big dress suits you.
We find out that the rest of the slaves have been sold to Orcs at Cragsmoor Castle.
Salazar: Well, it's always nice to have a target.
GM: I had a chapter full of side quests to get you to this point!
Heather: I know, we were just killing time a bar and we accidentally their entire base.
Slave: They killed my husband because he defied them!
Ewen: *shrug* And we killed the entire gang because they defied us.
Heather: We crawled up their arse so hard they died.
GM: Whoever is behind this calls themselves the Black Spider.
Ewen: Hang about, let me check my notes - there's at least 56 criminal organisations that use that as their name. Or variants.
Heather: The Ebon Spider.
Ewen: And the Bleak Spider.
Dirty Franz: The dyslexic one.
After this profitable hour of bloodshed and mayhem, it's time to patch up any minor injuries and prepare our excuses for why we murdered a dozen people after one of them tried to pick a fight
Salazar: Yup, that's healing magic alright - takes away the hurt, leaves the pain.
Ewen: I think I've got the hang of this.
Heather: You'd better, I remember what happened to that cat.
Ewen: Don't worry, I haven't blown up anything for weeks.
Heather: You haven't used Heal in over a week!
Salazar: I'm trying to come up with some way of saying 'Don't worry, we're not planning on killing anybody else tonight and we're leaving in the morning'
Heather: He was going to kidnap us, and we killed him.
Sildar: What???
Heather: Think of us as violently protective bodyguards.
Sildar: Albrecht? I can't believe this! He's a member of the Lord's Alliance!
Heather: Why not, they're all a bunch of dicks anyway. Unlike the nobility up north, they'll backstab you in the front.
Salazar: Or if they do backstab you will give you a reach-around as they do.
GM: Eventually word gets around that you've effectively wiped out the biggest threat in town.
Ewen: Is it because I'm sitting in the bar itemising the huge pile of loot?
Dirty Franz: That and the big pyramid of heads.
A party ensues. Heather gets Hella Drunk.
Ewen: I don't know how to put livers back together.
All the shopkeepers that would have hired us to deal with the Red Brands turn up with spontaneous gifts.
Heather OoC: I don't know what to do - I'm so many sheets to the wind that people are just turning up and giving me money.
Salazar: If you're dancing and people are throwing money at you, you're supposed to start taking clothes off.
Salazar considers ways to top the Morningstar incident.
Salazar: Hey, shopkeeper, do you have any melon-ballers?
Heather: Franz... Hey. Franz. I get where you're coming from, man. I worship Sune, but you worship the God of Filth. And I only party some of the time, but you stink around the clock!
Dirty Franz: *hunched over his My Little Pony figures at one of the tables, and looking more and more nervous as Heather goes on*
Salazar: Hey, Franz! Why don't you and I go upstairs for a party with these lovely ladies!
GM: You realise that the moment Franz sees the bath, you're going to have to Grapple him?
Salazar: Yup!
Heather: You don't understand, he's carrying out his priestly duties!
Salazar: Scrub away, ladies, scrub away!
Salazar: You realise that to worship Sune properly, you have to help Franz find his inner beauty? So grab a sponge.
Ewen: 'On a stick, I'm not a monster'
Heather grabs the most handsome man in the bar and drags him upstairs.
Ewen: Wait - I think that's me.
Heather: *yoink*
Ewen gets a membership offer from the Zhentarim, a secret society of evil mercenaries and the like.
Salazar: And it's not me who gets the offer. Because I'm busy.
Heather: 'You're far too silly to join our super-serious dark and edgy organisation!'
Ewen: Instead they approach the warlock who visibly glowing with positive energy. 'You're a warlock, right?' '.... Yes?'
Heather OoC: 'The rules are that's you're not allowed to smile, so turn that smile upside-down'
Ewen OoC: And because I glanced at the GMs laptop at the wrong moment and saw the thing about joining the Harpers, I'm going to try and join them, too XD *rolls a Natural 20* I like the sound of your organisation and would like to subscribe to your newsletter.
Salazar: I think we're going to be in town for a few days, so I'm putting up some notices - 'Rugged Man-About-Town Seeks Halfling Size Queen'
And they're still trying to get Franz clean, despite Franz's efforts.
Ewen: Go down to the blacksmith, see if you can borrow his wire brush.
Ewen ALSO gets a membership offer to the Order of the Gauntlet. It's becoming obvious why Albrecht managed to be a traitor - the various conspiracies are too incompetent to notice that they're all trying to recruit the same guy.
Salazar: This is going to make for an interesting coat-of-arms some day.
Ewen: I'm sure that these offers were supposed to go to different characters, but this is hilarious.
Heather: 'Excuse me, you seem to be the only one who's not completely blitzed'.
GM: There's a bounty on Orcs.
Salazar: Whoop-de-fucking-do.
GM: They're threatening economic stability in the region.
Salazar: Ah, that's different - now I've got a reason to kill them. Society only survives thanks to enlightened self-interest.
Sildar also approaches Ewen, to ask if Heather will be interested in joining the Lord's Alliance.
Dirty Franz OoC: Assuming Sildar didn't see her table-dancing last night.
Dirty Franz: I think the Red Brands are recruiting.
Heather: 'Will you people fuck off and let me count my money!!!!'
Heather: What happened last night?
Salazar: You got to see Franz naked.
Dirty Franz OoC: And Ewen had to chew his own arm off for some reason.
Ewen: And I joined two public and two secret organisations. Explanations later.
Heather: Odd they'd accept me after I ran away from my parents.
Ewen: Well, the head of the Lord's Alliance in Neverwinter is the Adventurer King - he probably considers it a glowing recommendation.
Salazar: Aren't they still pressuring him to get married? *eyes Heather speculatively*
Heather: Isn't he like, 40?
Ewen: 50, now.
Salazar: But still vital.
GM: I'm still impressed that this entire session has been one combat.
Ewen: And looting.
Dirty Franz: And table-dancing.
Salazar: And Dirty Franz had a bath.
Dirty Franz OoC: You remember the Peanuts character Pigpen, and the way the cloud would reform around him over a few panels?
Salazar: That's a shitty use of Prestidigitation. You realise the next attempt to get you clean will involve exorcism, right?
Heather has new plate armour.
Dirty Franz: Hope you've got a gambason on under that.
Heather: What? You people try wearing bare metal next to your nips. That stuff chafes.
Salazar: Well, there goes my fantasy for night.
Heather: And then there's those girls that wear chain mail against the skin - SOMETHING'S going to get pinched. Now shut up, I'm going to go do cartwheels in my new armour. *fails the DEX check, rolls to bottom of hill* I'm fine, my new armour protected me. Also, it's not grass stains, it's the green blood of my enemies. Ewen, bring my dinner down here.
Random Encounter!
Heather: Owlbears have an INT of 3.
GM: It's the Majestic Potoo-bear.
Ewen: Hard to take seriously as its mauling you to death.
It's also difficult to take it seriously when it's held to the ground with Evard's Naughty Tentacles and on fire.
Salazar: We eat tonight!
GM: Those Aarakocra are still following you, discreetly.
Lamech: Circling like vultures.
We're crossing the hills on the most direct route possible, and spot a wolf ahead of us.
GM: It's dropping markers every few minutes.
Kerak: ... You mean peeing.
GM: .... Yes.
It's the druid's assistant, making sure we don't get lost. What a shame he didn't notice the monster encounter he lead us straight into.
Lamech: Well, that's what comes of spending an hour following a Shitzu.
Kavorog failed to notice the ambush either.
Lamech: Too busy thinking about the Blue Knight, were you?
Kavorog: Dat Ass!
GM: The orc longbows target the unarmoured dragonborn!
Kavorog: Unarmed? Pff.
Lamech: It's the boob window.
Still, after a hard battle, we prevail for long enough to consider looting the bodies.
Kerak: Should we really pick that sword up? The Orc said it needed to drink the gnome's blood.
Lamech: Reasonable grounds for suspicion, I believe is the legal term.
Kerak: A bit dodgy, in the colloquial.
And from the more recently started one. This session was such non-stop wit and filthy jokes that I missed recording at least half of them.
Learning the spell Web
Salazar: Yes, Dirty Franz covers everything in sticky white stuff.
Ewen: And I promptly set myself on fire.
Salazar OoC: One of my characters in the other game learned the legendary Bukkake Missile.
Salazar: I might be nastier than the tiefling, but I AM human.
Heather: Eh, jury's still out on that.
The Dirty Franz Guide to Schools of Magic
Salazar: Abjuration - Dirty Frank smells so bad things go away
Heather: Conjuration - Dirty Franz smells so bad he attracts wild animals. Divination - Dirty Franz gets so high on his own stink he can see into the fucking future.
Salazar: Enchantment - People keep Dirty Franz around for some reason. We think this is why.
Heather: Evocation - I AM the boomstick !
Ewen: Dirty Franz smells OFFENSIVELY bad
Heather: Illusion - Dirty Franz smells so bad he warps OTHER people's perception of reality. Necromancy - Smells so bad even the dead get up and walk away.
Ewen: Or the dead assume he's already a Lich and do what he says.
Heather: Transmutation - Dirty Franz smells so bad he warps reality.
Heather: I can suddenly talk to animals!.... I'm one step closer to becoming a Disney Princess.
Dirty Franz: We found evidence he was going to kidnap us.... And killed him first.
Jurgen: Sequence of events is important. But not in this case.
Ewen: Maybe in court.
Heather speaks to some rats on the far side of a door.
Heather: My time has come.... Squeak! SQUEAK SQUEAK! SQUEAKUM!
Rat: Where is my master?
Heather: I'm your new master!
Rat: You don't sound like a wizard.
Heather: ... That's because I'm a wizard's apprentice!
The room is a wizard's lab and library - the rat peers at us from among the alchemical equipment.
Jurgen: Nobody insult the rat, he has a retort ready.
All: *groan*
Salazar: ... My fault, I listened.
GM: Dirty Franz has it made - all the wizard's spellbooks and scrolls are here.
Salazar: Can Franz even read?
Dirty Franz: Dirty Franz always on lookout for soft paper.
Rat: I have a bit of an issue here - you killed my master.
Ewen: Well he was being a bit of a dick.
The bigger problem is that with the wizard dead, the rat familiar will soon dissipate back into the realms of plot convenience.
Heather: So, does anybody know the Find Familiar spell?
Dirty Franz: *holds up hand*
Heather: Yes, what is it Franz? Do you need to go to the toilet? Lie down? Sleep?
Dirty Franz: Dirty Franz knows Familiar spell.
Heather: Why am I not surprised you talk to vermin.
Dirty Franz: Dirty Franz had gerbil once. His name was Lemmiwinks.
All: ....
Ewen's player: Now where have I heard that name before.... Oh god.
Salazar OoC : And moving swiftly on!!! Right now!
Dirty Franz: I kept him in my Dimensional Pocket.
Ewen: Argghhhh!
Heather: OK, I want to know... But I'm afraid to ask.
Salazar: I know some people that will pay good coin for an invisibility potion. Back at the Academy.
Heather: Oh?
Salazar: Yes. Professors, mostly.
Heather: ... D:
Dirty Franz: They have to avoid the students somehow.
Salazar: 'Avoid'?
Dirty Franz OoC: Spider Climb will be a useful Buff.
Heather OoC: Useful for you too.
Dirty Franz OoC: Yes, you can wake up in the middle of the night to find Franz clinging to the ceiling, watching you.
Heather: .... Go back to sleep.
Ewen: If I ever wake up to something like that, I'm setting the ceiling on fire.
Salazar: You know Heather, if you really want to learn how to be a Princess, you have to master the art of gargling walnuts.
Heather: That sounds difficult. Do you do it with water?
Salazar: Generally no.
Heather: Is it really worth learning?
Salazar: You'll find it invaluable on your wedding night.
Heather: Why do people keep going on about my wedding night? I thought I'd be too busy fucking to need all this other stuff.
Heather: I suspect Franz will be getting a lot of use out of the ability to see through his familiar's eyes.
GM: And the rat will be doing a lot of covering its own eyes and screaming.
Rat: Brain Bleach! Brain Bleach!
Heather: Why is it that it's the teifling and the warlock that make me LEAST uncomfortable?
Salazar: Because humans are scum.
Heather: Why are they still using copper coins? Haven't they heard of inflation?
We also find a roomful of bugbears 'demeaning' a goblin.
GM: I'm sparing you the details.
Dirty Franz OoC: You forget what kind of party this is. The goblin failed his Anal Circumference test, did he?
Salazar: Wait... You said the bugbears are busy 'demeaning' the goblin? Exactly how much armour are they wearing?
GM: ..... fuck.
GM: The bugbear is very angry and swings both morningstars.
Dirty Franz OoC: 'Both'?
GM: *sigh* Alright, all three morningstars.
Salazar: OK - I unarmed-attack the bugbear *does 23 points of damage*And now I have him grappled... By the 'morningstar'.
Bugbear: *screams*
Salazar OoC: Well, the rules say grapple controls his movement XD
Jurgen makes swift work of another bugbear.
Ewen: And every hit was to the junk.
GM: And the bugbear is dead.
Dirty Franz OoC: And converted to Judaism.
Heather: I can't believe you did all that slashing damage to his 'morningstar'.
Salazar finishes off the first bugbear.
GM: *sigh*and you have a trophy.
Salazar: And now I can say to the next person that annoys me 'The last person who annoyed me, I tore his dick off.'
Salazar: Now how am I ever expected to top this?
Heather: For gods sake man, stop waving that thing around!
Salazar has a conversation with the goblin.
Salazar: Get to Charsmouth, and ask around the docks for Slippery Eli. The person, not the sex act.
Heather: What??
Salazar: If he gets to Charsmouth alive and delivers this letter, he's got a job. Eli's always after fresh talent. And if he can survive five minutes with bugbears without getting his neck snapped, he's obviously got potential.
There's also a set of slave cages, and a pile of discarded clothes. Dirty Franz gets to work on his annual change of wardrobe.
GM: It's not just the current prisoner's clothes. It's quite a large pile.
Dirty Franz OoC: That's OK, I'll go for the layered look.
Heather: The big dress suits you.
We find out that the rest of the slaves have been sold to Orcs at Cragsmoor Castle.
Salazar: Well, it's always nice to have a target.
GM: I had a chapter full of side quests to get you to this point!
Heather: I know, we were just killing time a bar and we accidentally their entire base.
Slave: They killed my husband because he defied them!
Ewen: *shrug* And we killed the entire gang because they defied us.
Heather: We crawled up their arse so hard they died.
GM: Whoever is behind this calls themselves the Black Spider.
Ewen: Hang about, let me check my notes - there's at least 56 criminal organisations that use that as their name. Or variants.
Heather: The Ebon Spider.
Ewen: And the Bleak Spider.
Dirty Franz: The dyslexic one.
After this profitable hour of bloodshed and mayhem, it's time to patch up any minor injuries and prepare our excuses for why we murdered a dozen people after one of them tried to pick a fight
Salazar: Yup, that's healing magic alright - takes away the hurt, leaves the pain.
Ewen: I think I've got the hang of this.
Heather: You'd better, I remember what happened to that cat.
Ewen: Don't worry, I haven't blown up anything for weeks.
Heather: You haven't used Heal in over a week!
Salazar: I'm trying to come up with some way of saying 'Don't worry, we're not planning on killing anybody else tonight and we're leaving in the morning'
Heather: He was going to kidnap us, and we killed him.
Sildar: What???
Heather: Think of us as violently protective bodyguards.
Sildar: Albrecht? I can't believe this! He's a member of the Lord's Alliance!
Heather: Why not, they're all a bunch of dicks anyway. Unlike the nobility up north, they'll backstab you in the front.
Salazar: Or if they do backstab you will give you a reach-around as they do.
GM: Eventually word gets around that you've effectively wiped out the biggest threat in town.
Ewen: Is it because I'm sitting in the bar itemising the huge pile of loot?
Dirty Franz: That and the big pyramid of heads.
A party ensues. Heather gets Hella Drunk.
Ewen: I don't know how to put livers back together.
All the shopkeepers that would have hired us to deal with the Red Brands turn up with spontaneous gifts.
Heather OoC: I don't know what to do - I'm so many sheets to the wind that people are just turning up and giving me money.
Salazar: If you're dancing and people are throwing money at you, you're supposed to start taking clothes off.
Salazar considers ways to top the Morningstar incident.
Salazar: Hey, shopkeeper, do you have any melon-ballers?
Heather: Franz... Hey. Franz. I get where you're coming from, man. I worship Sune, but you worship the God of Filth. And I only party some of the time, but you stink around the clock!
Dirty Franz: *hunched over his My Little Pony figures at one of the tables, and looking more and more nervous as Heather goes on*
Salazar: Hey, Franz! Why don't you and I go upstairs for a party with these lovely ladies!
GM: You realise that the moment Franz sees the bath, you're going to have to Grapple him?
Salazar: Yup!
Heather: You don't understand, he's carrying out his priestly duties!
Salazar: Scrub away, ladies, scrub away!
Salazar: You realise that to worship Sune properly, you have to help Franz find his inner beauty? So grab a sponge.
Ewen: 'On a stick, I'm not a monster'
Heather grabs the most handsome man in the bar and drags him upstairs.
Ewen: Wait - I think that's me.
Heather: *yoink*
Ewen gets a membership offer from the Zhentarim, a secret society of evil mercenaries and the like.
Salazar: And it's not me who gets the offer. Because I'm busy.
Heather: 'You're far too silly to join our super-serious dark and edgy organisation!'
Ewen: Instead they approach the warlock who visibly glowing with positive energy. 'You're a warlock, right?' '.... Yes?'
Heather OoC: 'The rules are that's you're not allowed to smile, so turn that smile upside-down'
Ewen OoC: And because I glanced at the GMs laptop at the wrong moment and saw the thing about joining the Harpers, I'm going to try and join them, too XD *rolls a Natural 20* I like the sound of your organisation and would like to subscribe to your newsletter.
Salazar: I think we're going to be in town for a few days, so I'm putting up some notices - 'Rugged Man-About-Town Seeks Halfling Size Queen'
And they're still trying to get Franz clean, despite Franz's efforts.
Ewen: Go down to the blacksmith, see if you can borrow his wire brush.
Ewen ALSO gets a membership offer to the Order of the Gauntlet. It's becoming obvious why Albrecht managed to be a traitor - the various conspiracies are too incompetent to notice that they're all trying to recruit the same guy.
Salazar: This is going to make for an interesting coat-of-arms some day.
Ewen: I'm sure that these offers were supposed to go to different characters, but this is hilarious.
Heather: 'Excuse me, you seem to be the only one who's not completely blitzed'.
GM: There's a bounty on Orcs.
Salazar: Whoop-de-fucking-do.
GM: They're threatening economic stability in the region.
Salazar: Ah, that's different - now I've got a reason to kill them. Society only survives thanks to enlightened self-interest.
Sildar also approaches Ewen, to ask if Heather will be interested in joining the Lord's Alliance.
Dirty Franz OoC: Assuming Sildar didn't see her table-dancing last night.
Dirty Franz: I think the Red Brands are recruiting.
Heather: 'Will you people fuck off and let me count my money!!!!'
Heather: What happened last night?
Salazar: You got to see Franz naked.
Dirty Franz OoC: And Ewen had to chew his own arm off for some reason.
Ewen: And I joined two public and two secret organisations. Explanations later.
Heather: Odd they'd accept me after I ran away from my parents.
Ewen: Well, the head of the Lord's Alliance in Neverwinter is the Adventurer King - he probably considers it a glowing recommendation.
Salazar: Aren't they still pressuring him to get married? *eyes Heather speculatively*
Heather: Isn't he like, 40?
Ewen: 50, now.
Salazar: But still vital.
GM: I'm still impressed that this entire session has been one combat.
Ewen: And looting.
Dirty Franz: And table-dancing.
Salazar: And Dirty Franz had a bath.
Dirty Franz OoC: You remember the Peanuts character Pigpen, and the way the cloud would reform around him over a few panels?
Salazar: That's a shitty use of Prestidigitation. You realise the next attempt to get you clean will involve exorcism, right?
Heather has new plate armour.
Dirty Franz: Hope you've got a gambason on under that.
Heather: What? You people try wearing bare metal next to your nips. That stuff chafes.
Salazar: Well, there goes my fantasy for night.
Heather: And then there's those girls that wear chain mail against the skin - SOMETHING'S going to get pinched. Now shut up, I'm going to go do cartwheels in my new armour. *fails the DEX check, rolls to bottom of hill* I'm fine, my new armour protected me. Also, it's not grass stains, it's the green blood of my enemies. Ewen, bring my dinner down here.
Random Encounter!
Heather: Owlbears have an INT of 3.
GM: It's the Majestic Potoo-bear.
Ewen: Hard to take seriously as its mauling you to death.
It's also difficult to take it seriously when it's held to the ground with Evard's Naughty Tentacles and on fire.
Salazar: We eat tonight!