(no subject)
Sitting here drinking a mamosa and listening to The Beatles. I should be in a fairly good mood with all this but I'm not. In fact I've been depressed for awhile. Going on months now. It didn't just start with Amandas' death. I think I've been sad since seventh grade with random intervals of contentment, not happiness, just contentment.
I feel as if I've just committed a crime and have been caught. I feel hopeless and I know that I'm going to have to deal with the consequences. They won't be a simple slap on the wrist and community service where you can hope to make up for your crime but a long time in prison where your friends and family will lose contact with you and eventually forget about you. Maybe, once emerged, they won't even recognize you or perhaps they will be ashamed. It's amazing how much jail term resembles failure. I've been slowly slipping and now it seems too late. I'll slip away ashamed and they'll forget me.
I feel as if I've just committed a crime and have been caught. I feel hopeless and I know that I'm going to have to deal with the consequences. They won't be a simple slap on the wrist and community service where you can hope to make up for your crime but a long time in prison where your friends and family will lose contact with you and eventually forget about you. Maybe, once emerged, they won't even recognize you or perhaps they will be ashamed. It's amazing how much jail term resembles failure. I've been slowly slipping and now it seems too late. I'll slip away ashamed and they'll forget me.