Happily ever after...or how my life always seems to mirror a Disney movie (or 12)
Disclaimer: I am not saying that I am currently in love with anyone. I'm really not, although I have noticed a guy or two lately. One of whom may have potential down the road. This is more a reflection of the past and how I'm working through some "stuff"
That being said...I've been in a funk the past few days and really missing my boys. And the way they acted on the phone last night had me thinking about their dad and again about where things went wrong. And then I got to thinking about how it all started out and how I have a pattern that I didn't even realize I had.
I am a self-admitted hopeless romantic and sap. And I'm ok with that, even if it's one of the things that makes me "cute" and "sweet" and keeps me vulnerable and naive. And I have no intention of changing that. I am actually trying to keep people at arms' length and trying to put up walls because I've been hurt and heartbroken so profoundly not once but twice in the past 3 or 4 years. I'm not good at it at all...I'm good at loving and caring and letting people in and setting myself up (knowingly) to potentially be hurt. And not just in romantic situations but in all relationships.
But what I want to talk about right now is that heartbreak. And how no matter how jaded or cynical or determined to strike out on my own and not get involved with anyone I try to be, I never seem to be successful.
J and I met in concert band in the spring of 2001. We shared a music stand (so incredibly geeky and cliche I know lol). And he had these big blue eyes and adorable dimples and this sweet crooked smile. But he was a second semester freshman and I was *finally* in my last semester and graduating in May (I'm six years his senior). And I had been "talking" to this boy for almost 2 years and we'd been hanging out and "stuff" and I was absolutely not looking to settle down. I'd been single for three years and actually ok with it and enjoying the freedom to come and go. Sure I missed having a steady boyfriend sometimes (especially around formal time LOL) but I was a strong independent woman who really didn't have a problem picking up guys on the weekends if I really wanted to and I was good. Definitely not interested in settling down the last few months before graduation.
Then, at our first concert of the semester, he takes my folder and writes his Yahoo ID on it and tells me I should IM him sometime. So one night, during a spring thunder storm, when I was home all alone and feeling a little creeped out, I strike up a chat with him.I was still determined to keep it friendly and casual. I was still hanging out with the other guy. I didn't want to set myself up to be hurt. I didn't want to start something when I didn't know where I was going to be in a couple of months. Life was good and I was happy with things as they were. I tried to fight it...and I eventually lost. We started to hang out but not label anything...that lasted all of two weeks.
Then one day we were hanging out and watching Disney's "Hercules" (he was patient and young and in love and willing to tolerate my love of all things Disney) and I watched Megara fight her feelings for Herc and just laughed. It was me and J and just...well I fell when I didn't want to fall. And then Megara sang this song and it became my theme song and the way I told him how I felt
We got engaged 2 years later and married 3 years later. And now, 10 years and one month(give or take a week) after our wedding day, we're separated and he's not defending me or sticking up for me. Enter heartbreak. Not because the relationship failed - I've had failed relationships before. And sure they make me sad and it's lonely and sometimes even now, three years after we separated, I still miss him. I'll hear a song or see something on TV that will remind me of him and it's a bittersweet moment. I don't hate him, even though sometimes I feel like I would be justified in it. A part of me will always love him. We have two kids together - that changed me and made it impossible for me to totally harden my heart to him. I really don't want to be hard and cold to him either. It's not good for me, for him or for the kids. It's not who I am. But every time his gf attacks me (either mentally or verbally) and he stands by and lets it happen, my heart breaks a little more.
Despite all of this, I still relate to Megara. I still find myself wanting that fairytale - Prince Charming and being swept off my feet and the whole nine yards. I know I could be setting myself up to suffer this heart break again, but I can't help myself. I love being in love. I love everything that goes with falling in love. And no matter how many hurts I suffer, I don't think that's ever going to change. And if that makes me "cute" and "sweet" and vulnerable and naive, then oh well. I guess I am all those things. And that's ok. (even though I HATE "cute" and "sweet" and "girl next door" ugh!)
I really am perfectly content being on my own right now. I'm not shutting out the world - quite the opposite actually - but I'm using this time to focus on me and my schooling and trying to avoid the distraction of a relationship. I don't have the time to devote to one right now and I'm honestly enjoying my freedom. I have a feeling, though, that just like Megara, I'm going to end up blindsided when I least expect it. And when I am, I hope I'm smart enough to give it a chance instead of running away in fear of another broken heart.
Random cuteness - when I searched for the video I used here I came across this clip from The Little Mermaid:
and I will admit, LOL, that I TOTALLY played this song over and over again when I was trying to get my high school boyfriend to kiss me. We'd been dating for a while and I really wanted to kiss him but was too awkward and shy to make the first move (and I knew it was going to be his first kiss). I finally had to actually tell him to kiss me, just playing the song didn't work - it was apparently too subtle LOL. But now every time I hear this song I think about sitting at the cliffs with Ben watching the sun set over the city and making the same wish over and over on the first stars that appeared. And him FINALLY kissing me. He was my first love and the memory makes me smile, even 20+ years later. (told you I'm a hopeless romantic, a total sap and a bit of a goofball! )
That being said...I've been in a funk the past few days and really missing my boys. And the way they acted on the phone last night had me thinking about their dad and again about where things went wrong. And then I got to thinking about how it all started out and how I have a pattern that I didn't even realize I had.
I am a self-admitted hopeless romantic and sap. And I'm ok with that, even if it's one of the things that makes me "cute" and "sweet" and keeps me vulnerable and naive. And I have no intention of changing that. I am actually trying to keep people at arms' length and trying to put up walls because I've been hurt and heartbroken so profoundly not once but twice in the past 3 or 4 years. I'm not good at it at all...I'm good at loving and caring and letting people in and setting myself up (knowingly) to potentially be hurt. And not just in romantic situations but in all relationships.
But what I want to talk about right now is that heartbreak. And how no matter how jaded or cynical or determined to strike out on my own and not get involved with anyone I try to be, I never seem to be successful.
J and I met in concert band in the spring of 2001. We shared a music stand (so incredibly geeky and cliche I know lol). And he had these big blue eyes and adorable dimples and this sweet crooked smile. But he was a second semester freshman and I was *finally* in my last semester and graduating in May (I'm six years his senior). And I had been "talking" to this boy for almost 2 years and we'd been hanging out and "stuff" and I was absolutely not looking to settle down. I'd been single for three years and actually ok with it and enjoying the freedom to come and go. Sure I missed having a steady boyfriend sometimes (especially around formal time LOL) but I was a strong independent woman who really didn't have a problem picking up guys on the weekends if I really wanted to and I was good. Definitely not interested in settling down the last few months before graduation.
Then, at our first concert of the semester, he takes my folder and writes his Yahoo ID on it and tells me I should IM him sometime. So one night, during a spring thunder storm, when I was home all alone and feeling a little creeped out, I strike up a chat with him.I was still determined to keep it friendly and casual. I was still hanging out with the other guy. I didn't want to set myself up to be hurt. I didn't want to start something when I didn't know where I was going to be in a couple of months. Life was good and I was happy with things as they were. I tried to fight it...and I eventually lost. We started to hang out but not label anything...that lasted all of two weeks.
Then one day we were hanging out and watching Disney's "Hercules" (he was patient and young and in love and willing to tolerate my love of all things Disney) and I watched Megara fight her feelings for Herc and just laughed. It was me and J and just...well I fell when I didn't want to fall. And then Megara sang this song and it became my theme song and the way I told him how I felt
Click to viewWe got engaged 2 years later and married 3 years later. And now, 10 years and one month(give or take a week) after our wedding day, we're separated and he's not defending me or sticking up for me. Enter heartbreak. Not because the relationship failed - I've had failed relationships before. And sure they make me sad and it's lonely and sometimes even now, three years after we separated, I still miss him. I'll hear a song or see something on TV that will remind me of him and it's a bittersweet moment. I don't hate him, even though sometimes I feel like I would be justified in it. A part of me will always love him. We have two kids together - that changed me and made it impossible for me to totally harden my heart to him. I really don't want to be hard and cold to him either. It's not good for me, for him or for the kids. It's not who I am. But every time his gf attacks me (either mentally or verbally) and he stands by and lets it happen, my heart breaks a little more.
Despite all of this, I still relate to Megara. I still find myself wanting that fairytale - Prince Charming and being swept off my feet and the whole nine yards. I know I could be setting myself up to suffer this heart break again, but I can't help myself. I love being in love. I love everything that goes with falling in love. And no matter how many hurts I suffer, I don't think that's ever going to change. And if that makes me "cute" and "sweet" and vulnerable and naive, then oh well. I guess I am all those things. And that's ok. (even though I HATE "cute" and "sweet" and "girl next door" ugh!)
I really am perfectly content being on my own right now. I'm not shutting out the world - quite the opposite actually - but I'm using this time to focus on me and my schooling and trying to avoid the distraction of a relationship. I don't have the time to devote to one right now and I'm honestly enjoying my freedom. I have a feeling, though, that just like Megara, I'm going to end up blindsided when I least expect it. And when I am, I hope I'm smart enough to give it a chance instead of running away in fear of another broken heart.
Random cuteness - when I searched for the video I used here I came across this clip from The Little Mermaid:
and I will admit, LOL, that I TOTALLY played this song over and over again when I was trying to get my high school boyfriend to kiss me. We'd been dating for a while and I really wanted to kiss him but was too awkward and shy to make the first move (and I knew it was going to be his first kiss). I finally had to actually tell him to kiss me, just playing the song didn't work - it was apparently too subtle LOL. But now every time I hear this song I think about sitting at the cliffs with Ben watching the sun set over the city and making the same wish over and over on the first stars that appeared. And him FINALLY kissing me. He was my first love and the memory makes me smile, even 20+ years later. (told you I'm a hopeless romantic, a total sap and a bit of a goofball! )