I've had Phil Collins on repeat all day. What's wrong with me?
I'm still not sleeping well. I lay in bed at night and have conversations in my head with people I'll probably never discuss these things with.
My head is a mess; I'm fighting with who I am vs. what I choose to do. I haven't had to do that in a long time. I don't know what my motivation is for some of the things I choose to do. There seem to be very few people I really feel able to be myself around. Niko is one of those, he sees right through me. I tried to tell him I didn't care about something yesterday, and he just looked at me for a second and said, "Yes you do." and I felt like such an asshole.
It's funny when people react the exact way you expect them to and yet there is no feeling of satisfaction in that.
I wonder how messed up it is that I'm still fucked up by what Chris did. I can't seem to let that go, I guess maybe because I feel a little like he was misleading me every step of the way, and I'd adjust to that and it would happen again and despite all of that I was starting to fall in love with him. I still don't know why people find it so easy to leave me - physically, emotionally, both... it never stops hurting.
Cam keeps telling me that I need to stay single for a while, she's probably right but I've always been bad about denying myself what feels good in the moment.
Just because I don't talk about you, doesn't mean I'm not thinking about you. I can think of a few instances where the exact opposite is true.
My head is a mess; I'm fighting with who I am vs. what I choose to do. I haven't had to do that in a long time. I don't know what my motivation is for some of the things I choose to do. There seem to be very few people I really feel able to be myself around. Niko is one of those, he sees right through me. I tried to tell him I didn't care about something yesterday, and he just looked at me for a second and said, "Yes you do." and I felt like such an asshole.
It's funny when people react the exact way you expect them to and yet there is no feeling of satisfaction in that.
I wonder how messed up it is that I'm still fucked up by what Chris did. I can't seem to let that go, I guess maybe because I feel a little like he was misleading me every step of the way, and I'd adjust to that and it would happen again and despite all of that I was starting to fall in love with him. I still don't know why people find it so easy to leave me - physically, emotionally, both... it never stops hurting.
Cam keeps telling me that I need to stay single for a while, she's probably right but I've always been bad about denying myself what feels good in the moment.
Just because I don't talk about you, doesn't mean I'm not thinking about you. I can think of a few instances where the exact opposite is true.