Sometimes I write in the moment.
I haven't been expressing myself well. Maybe that's because I haven't been sleeping much at all. I just lay in bed at night and think; even when I distract myself in other way, or with positive thoughts I always drift back to more stressful things.
When I spoke about my tendency to feel more comfortable sharing my body than my emotions I was really thinking of a few isolated instances, and not my over all sexual history. Contrary to how it may seem or what I may have said/implied I don't make it a habit to jump into bed with people I don't have a relationship with. I don't really know why I feel the need to state this again; other than the fact that I feel I'm representing myself inaccurately.
Maybe I tend to forget that people don't know me as well as I think they do.
I wake up in the middle of the night sometimes and wonder where you are and what you're doing. I could probably find out easy enough, but somehow it doesn't seem to matter unless you're the one telling me about it. It feels strange that we are so far in the past, that I’ve fallen in love since you, considered a future with someone else besides you. I don’t like that you aren't in my life. That I don't see you or hear your voice. Often times it seems more as if you're dead and not simply gone from my life, I think I still mourn you or us from time to time. I had to fall in love with someone else to fall out of love with you, and now I don't have either anymore I guess that leaves me feeling a little alone, despite all the other people in my life.
Fitting you back in my life was so easy because I loved it so much when you were there the first time. You bring out a side of me no one else really does, and see a part of myself I rarely show others. If you disappear from my life completely I will have lost something wonderful, someone amazing. I can't imagine spending the rest of my life never looking into your eyes again or hearing you laugh or feeling you touch me, if even in some small casual way. I love you like I've never loved anyone else before, it was a way I tried to put into words so often but I’m never quite sure I succeeded in capturing accurately. I think you were right; I used what happened as an excuse, because even though I still feel justified in being upset over it, it really wasn’t enough to end our relationship. It's one of the things I stay up at night thinking about, trying to figure out the reasons why - I still don’t know. Maybe it's not important to know, this still seems to be the right thing.
They don't know that I'm harder on myself than anyone else in the world. They don't know that stupid things make me laugh, and that I like kissing until both of our lips are chapped and sore. They don't know that I'll use any excuse to touch. They don't know that I get cravings for pizza at midnight, like beer from the bottle and steal cigarettes because I forget to buy my own. They don't know that given the chance I'd never shower alone and make love during every rainstorm. They don't know that I despise lies more than anything and that I'll forgive almost anything with an apology, a hug and a lame joke.
People can read my words or see me talk about the things I do and the way I live my life, but I often feel that they see me in some distorted light. When I act the toughest I'm probably my weakest, because I'm finding it necessary to not only fool others, but to fool myself into thinking I'm someone who doesn't feel, someone who puts her own wants and needs before those of others. I always feel, and even when I'm doing something self-serving I'm worried about how it will affect others even indirectly.
I've been a walking, talking contradiction lately and I need to stop doing that.
Edit: Hey, Vince... I'm sorry, I just got your message. I'd fallen asleep. Maybe we can catch each other tomorrow. :-*
When I spoke about my tendency to feel more comfortable sharing my body than my emotions I was really thinking of a few isolated instances, and not my over all sexual history. Contrary to how it may seem or what I may have said/implied I don't make it a habit to jump into bed with people I don't have a relationship with. I don't really know why I feel the need to state this again; other than the fact that I feel I'm representing myself inaccurately.
Maybe I tend to forget that people don't know me as well as I think they do.
I wake up in the middle of the night sometimes and wonder where you are and what you're doing. I could probably find out easy enough, but somehow it doesn't seem to matter unless you're the one telling me about it. It feels strange that we are so far in the past, that I’ve fallen in love since you, considered a future with someone else besides you. I don’t like that you aren't in my life. That I don't see you or hear your voice. Often times it seems more as if you're dead and not simply gone from my life, I think I still mourn you or us from time to time. I had to fall in love with someone else to fall out of love with you, and now I don't have either anymore I guess that leaves me feeling a little alone, despite all the other people in my life.
Fitting you back in my life was so easy because I loved it so much when you were there the first time. You bring out a side of me no one else really does, and see a part of myself I rarely show others. If you disappear from my life completely I will have lost something wonderful, someone amazing. I can't imagine spending the rest of my life never looking into your eyes again or hearing you laugh or feeling you touch me, if even in some small casual way. I love you like I've never loved anyone else before, it was a way I tried to put into words so often but I’m never quite sure I succeeded in capturing accurately. I think you were right; I used what happened as an excuse, because even though I still feel justified in being upset over it, it really wasn’t enough to end our relationship. It's one of the things I stay up at night thinking about, trying to figure out the reasons why - I still don’t know. Maybe it's not important to know, this still seems to be the right thing.
They don't know that I'm harder on myself than anyone else in the world. They don't know that stupid things make me laugh, and that I like kissing until both of our lips are chapped and sore. They don't know that I'll use any excuse to touch. They don't know that I get cravings for pizza at midnight, like beer from the bottle and steal cigarettes because I forget to buy my own. They don't know that given the chance I'd never shower alone and make love during every rainstorm. They don't know that I despise lies more than anything and that I'll forgive almost anything with an apology, a hug and a lame joke.
People can read my words or see me talk about the things I do and the way I live my life, but I often feel that they see me in some distorted light. When I act the toughest I'm probably my weakest, because I'm finding it necessary to not only fool others, but to fool myself into thinking I'm someone who doesn't feel, someone who puts her own wants and needs before those of others. I always feel, and even when I'm doing something self-serving I'm worried about how it will affect others even indirectly.
I've been a walking, talking contradiction lately and I need to stop doing that.
Edit: Hey, Vince... I'm sorry, I just got your message. I'd fallen asleep. Maybe we can catch each other tomorrow. :-*