(no subject)
shit. i feel like i'm falling, sinking, into a terrible irrational state. help me. a feeling of wanting to run away, go home, go somewhere. but home? no, i am just as bad there, it doesn't help to go home. it doesn't help. i feel happier at the barn. but if i'm too upset, i might take out my emotinal turmoil on strauss. whyyy am i doing this? then i stare in the mirror, i've put on weight. in my frenzy eating. and so, my self loathing begins. i hate how fat i am. well i'm not fat. no. but i have excess weight and i don't want that because i'm so critical of people who look like me. and i've done it to myself.
worst of all, i feel like a self pitying worthless pile of . . . . i hate being this dramatic.
i hate this tightness in my chest.
i hate feeling like smoking a ciggarette.
i hate feeling like trying to find relief and finding no comfort.
the day started out good, but now i've tumbled into this state. tumbled, such a perfect word for it.
worst of all, i feel like a self pitying worthless pile of . . . . i hate being this dramatic.
i hate this tightness in my chest.
i hate feeling like smoking a ciggarette.
i hate feeling like trying to find relief and finding no comfort.
the day started out good, but now i've tumbled into this state. tumbled, such a perfect word for it.