An Examination of my Writing
I have been talking to friends, and I have been looking at myself. My own writing.
I don't know where I've gotten my ego from - I'm not a good writer. I'm not fantastic and many people want to read my writing - and no, I'm NOT asking or looking for ego-strokes or praise. I'm just sincerely not that good. I know I'm not. But it's sometimes nice to believe that I'm honestly worth reading (thanks Nel, if you're reading this).
What started this is basically that I can't find myself able to handle criticism on particular characters I RP. I know, anyone really likes only praise. Praise and positive squeeing. I like them too.
But I do not want to be anything like those blind writers on FF-net. I used to be them, I just never posted what I wrote in that time online. And when I say that I used to be them, I mean I believed that I was very good, excellent, even, and can't be ever wrong or criticised.
So. After talking to several friends, and hearing comments, and a brutally, very painful talk with Dark, I have to think over my game-play. I have to think over my writing.
You know what they say, write what you know? Write your characters with your heart and soul and all that?
Why is it that I can write my original characters so much easier than fanfic characters? Why is it that I can write fanfiction by myself so much better and easier than as a character? What is demanded by RP that isn't by fanfiction in general, what is different and what works?
One of my problems when I RP is that I cannot divorce myself from my characters. Why? Why is that when I can manage it with my other characters in normal narrative fanfiction, but can't with RP?
Probably the same reason why I can't be an actor.
With RP, you have to take on a persona. You have to be them, you can't be yourself. You can't be an omnipotent manipulator and puppeteer, because god-modding isn't allowed. That's stupidly obvious - I've done it by accident in personal RPs, and it's stupid and irritating and I'm glad when people point it out. Tangent. So when you're RPing, you're trying to be in-character. And how do you do that?
I'm not a ninja. I'm not a twenty-three year old teacher of primary school children. I'm not a seventeen year old gay male either. The only thing I have in common with them is that I'm human, and possibly nominally Asian, and depending on the fandom, sometimes not even then.
So I can only hope and attempt to extrapolate human reactions to my characters. And what I believe a person I'd constructed him/them to be. But apparently, I can't keep myself totally divorced from them - I bleed through.
That's a failing, because in RP, you cannot afford to do that. So when a character attacks your character, you feel it like you'd gotten hit yourself. In some ways, it's good, because it means your reactions would be realistic and genuine. The ONLY problem is, are those reactions realistic and genuine to your character's?
This is what is so admirable about the people I RP with. They react so realistically, and so in character, they leave me gaping and stupefied. And so, in order to find out how they manage this, I asked them how they went about doing it.
Most of the people I've asked say that the way they manage is... infusing themselves into it. Into the character. They aren't themselves when they RP, they are the character. They feel, think, touch and taste, exactly like their characters. They have their characters' nightmares, they share their hopes. They only find out strange things about their characters over play, gorgeous characteristics that they didn't think of but the characters did.
That is... so. Gorgeous, don't you agree? Beautiful and perfect and you can tell that it works for RP. That is how they write too. In everything. For everything, almost, these people who I've asked. THat is why their writing, their solo writing, is so visceral, so realistic, haunting in their emotional vividness, the sharp tactile quality they have. (Go read Dark's, JB's and Nezu's writing to know what I mean. I haven't spoken to Maldoror, but I suspect that is how she writes as well.)
And me? That isn't quite how I write. I don't quite infuse myself into my characters, but watch a scene. Watch the words that describe it and them and the scene and everything in it, and it all goes into words. I'm more a puppeteer than an 'in-body' writer, and while I could do it, that's not my default writing style. So. Maybe that's the reason why I am not so good with RPing. Why I'm not in-character enough yet not detached enough to prevent myself from bleeding into Iruka, Kotetsu, Shimon, Ebisu, anyone I'm writing. I've noticed it. I've seen it. For example, if I were writing with a friend who is of strict upbringing, and doesn't use vulgarities, and I'm writing with a character who's foul-mouthed, I try to tone down his vulgarities.
And that's a problem. Because my character isn't talking to my friend. He's talking to HER character, who doesn't give a damn about vulgarities. In my effort not to offend HER sensibilities, I warp my character. He speaks out of character.
Second-guessing is an enemy in this case. I don't want to hurt someone else, and therefore warp my character.
Another problem, however, is not thinking enough. Dark pointed out : "What would a military man in THIS situation do?" Because the character was doing what *I* would have done. Thinking what I thought. Why? it isn't because I was second-guessing. I wasn't trying to tone down anything, or suit him to my friend's sensibilities. I was not thinking. I wasn't thinking hard enough, I wasn't being in character, I wasn't being rigourous on myself.
I could excuse myself, of course. Family problems, being distracted, emotional at the time, distracted by other RPs...
But that's no excuse. I have no excuse. Because that's pushing the blame from myself, my own weakness, and that's not allowed. That makes my writing suffer. If I am to write well, I should write with my full attention on the tag, on the character, and not think: Oh, I want to get the tag out as soon as possible, I want to read this at the same time, I want to talk to him/her/it/them at the same time. This is a character failing of mine. I know myself, I know myself too well. I am lazy. Whining to friends and wanting praise and validation? That is stupid, and it's only a more cultured form of what those teenie-booper writers on FFnet are doing, and it is what I despise.
I once considered quitting. Quitting the games I'm in, and keeping to personal one-on-one RPs. No complaints from them, no siree.
But. But. That's quitting. And even better? I have gotten complaints. It's not as critical, because it's easily erased, forgotten, but very very subtle. Don't keep doing my character's actions. I've gotten used to your tagging, but you could work on it a little... And the fact that other people are slow to tag me. Slowness means jarring and that means out of game-mindset and that means problems.
Very subtle criticism, but it's criticism nonetheless. And it's something I have to think about. When I am thinking, and concentrating, I can write. I can write well. And that is what I should do. I should do myself justice, what little talent in writing I DO have, I should give my all. I should do my character(s) justice. They are good, they are funny, they are engaging. I should make them REAL. I should give them three-dimensional personalities. They are my ticket to making friends, having a good time. I should do them the favour and help them back. I should give them what is owed to them. They are soldiers/ninja/fantasy sorcerers/masters/pets/slaves/power hungry maniacs. They are not me. They have motivations and aims and dreams that are not mine. And risking sounding self important and self centred and somewhat crazy, they deserve not to be treated like an extension of me. They can be an alter ego. They can be the face I wear in the game. But they are not me. As another persona altogether, they are separate from me. And that means any critic I receive on them, it is not to me. Any critic I receive on me, is not to them (but it is connected). My writing is the only way they see light. If I cannot get it true the way other people write, then I have to do it my way, but I have to get it done all the same.
What does that mean in practical terms?
1. I shall concentrate on as few tags as possible. Which means this: Either I talk ONLY to one friend or I work ONLY on one tag. The others CAN wait. They HAVE waited. If Dark can manage multiple tags and NOT suck, so can I.
2. I shall think before I write. I shall edit before I finish. I shall not rush my tags. What we want is quality, not quantity - though lots of good stuff is good, good stuff is better than more.
3. I shall stop being an emo brat. If people ignore me, or shun me, or criticise my writing, it is NOT because I am stupid or useless or bad at writing. It is because they are busy or they really have a problem with my writing which is not the same as a problem with me.
4. I shall stop emoting at other people.