Confusion is a lot harder to face
Ha ha ha… I’m a huge fraud. Well things I said I wouldn’t do I’ve been doing. I can just see my self falling for Joshua once more. Which I hope it doesn’t happen. At least if he’s not on board with me. So far things have been shifting from a friends only thing to fuck buddies. Which doesn’t really please me much to know that I’m being used as a sexual item and as an emotional tampon. Yet I'm kind of doing the same thing. He needs to make up his mind about stuff but that doesn’t seem to be happening anytime soon. Again who am I too push him. I’m really stuck between it all. I guess I too don’t know what I want. See I want him to be my friend and be there with me and I love to cuddle with him and kiss him run my fingers thru his hair and across his chest. Yet, I don’t want him to think that I am nothing with out him. That I am gushing dyeing to be with him although I do enjoy his company, and I do love it when he hugs me and what not. But I don’t feel like I’m sure I want a relationship. Well I’ve just reread all that I’ve said… well not really I just ran it all thru my mind and it well seems like I’m in fucking love with him. But, I know I’m not. I am not in love with him. Am I really capable of keeping a sexual friendship? Am I that open minded that I am willing to do it? Or am I just beings stupid and setting my self up for disappointment and a lot of hurt? I’ve got to admit I do get jealous when he mentions that other girl. Yet I don’t really care a whole lot. He doesn’t mention her a lot. He’s a smart boy. But then again I’m with him a whole lot of the time. Weekends are mine. I spend the night 3 or four days out of the week. (We don't always f***)(or play friendly games that sounds a whole lot better than f***)And well I see him a lot. And I think to my self. Where does this other girl come in? When and where does he see her? Does he drive up before work to her work place and see her? That's unlikely because he has to pick up his brother first.Does he see her after work? I doubt it.Does he even see her at all? Does he talk to her? And if he does, when? How often? Have I been in the room or in his house while he does it? Eeeh well figures. I know that he doesn’t want a relation ship with me. But he still keeps me around. I guess it’s the same thing as me. I don’t want a relationship yet I need him to be there for me. And I hold back from pouring all my attention and affection towards him because of this reason. That we both know that we don’t know what the hell we want. Well as far as it goes I’m just going to ride out the storm and see where it leads. I’m not going to let him hold me back from meeting any other boys and whatever. After all… we’re not boyfriend and girlfriend. Nor are we dating. :D