Brigit's Flame - January 2009 - Week 2
The strangest thing happened to me, this week. I wrote a poem! Not that I never did, but... I'm quite fond of it. Don't let that prevent you from sharing your thoughts. Will I finally make it to week 3? Thanks for reading. ;)
This week's topic is DEMONS.
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This week's topic is DEMONS.
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First, I want to say I think it's awesome that you've crossed over into poetry this week. Welcome to the dark side. ;)
1. The element that makes the poem the most interesting for me is expressed in the second and fourth stanzas. I like that the demons question their role in the universe, and should you choose to revise, I'd like to see that idea developed further. I think one way you can do that is by developing a specific voice for each group of characters.
Who are the innocents? Who are the demons? and when I say that, I don't necessarily mean you should name them specifically...I like that you've kept the poem somewhat anonymous because for me as a reader, it helps keep the two groups of entities relatable. But who are they? What do they want out of their existence? How do they feel about what's happening here?
2. Along those lines, I think the poem would be much more dynamic if the demons had a catalyst, a specific event that caused them to question their role in the universe. Why are they suddenly pondering the rights and wrongs of corrupting people's souls?
3. Some of the lines in this piece are a little awkward to me. For example, the first line in the poem is awesome. I love the rhythm you create there...but the rest of the stanza doesn't seem to fit. One thing I find helps me when I'm unsure about the rhythm of a piece is reading it aloud. It makes it a lot easier to be objective about the work, and when you find yourself tripping over some of the lines, its a great clue to what specifically is not working for you.
4. Finally, the rhyme scheme....or lack of one (sorry!). Poetry does not have to rhyme (if that helps at all), but when it does, it should be very calculated and specifically chosen. A lot of times, rhyme comes in at the end of a poem to draw attention to a specific idea, or to really create a sense of finale. I think an interesting choice for this piece might be to go without the rhyme scheme until the second to last stanza (the one that starts with "Behind their mask...").
Thank you for sharing, and don't forget that poetry should be fun to write! Keep playing with it.
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I'm worrying because I think you misinterpreted what I was trying to say in the fourth stanza. Let me clarify my thoughts.
The first two stanzas deal with children's fear of the dark, which disappears as they grow old and realize demons are merely humans.
The third stanza explain that those demonic humans are judged by their peers other humans - anyone - then sentenced to spears (a metaphor for the capital punishment, the lethal injection).
The fourth stanza is an open question to humans who want to punish other humans for their atrocities by taking away their lives, basically acting as they did. Which may be, and that's what I'm getting at in the fifth stanza, what they want. Maybe those inhuman humans' sole desire is to go to hell and we help them to reach that goal with what we think is a punishment, what they can interpret as a reward for their actions.
I'm wondering why you understood the fourth stanza as spoken by the demons' voice... I guess missed my point.
Anyway, it was nice to write and surprisingly easier than I thought, beginner's luck maybe! I tried to listen to the poem spoken by Microsoft voices! I sensed some of it was a bit off, but I liked the lines that way and I was running out of time. But I will take your advice for future ventures into the dark side. ;) I guessed I was a bit obsessed with the rhyming here. I'm still quite happy about my first real poem!
Thanks for your time!
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