Comments | dreamy_idealist: Brigit's Flame - November 2008

dreamy_idealist

Brigit's Flame - November 2008 - Week 1

Nov 07, 2008 15:55

New brigits_flame round, and I'm in! Great way to increase my NaNo count!

This week's topic is WINE.

Anyway this is a little long, so thanks for reading.

Feedback appreciated.

This is 100% fiction. I wrote in first person, which is so unusual for me. That's the beauty of the community I guess. I couldn't find a title, though.

( * * * * * )

writing, one shot, brigit's flame

Comments 4

Editing triplescorpio November 15 2008, 18:58:44 UTC

I thought this was a lovely story. You did a very nice job with the imagery, and I especially liked all the "red" refernces (as I love those colors too!). I think you did very well in conveying the main character's reactions without being overdone, as well as the relationship between the couple. I especially liked, for example, how you described the marriage proposal: " first assumed this was a figment of my imagination caused by my drinking an alcoholic beverage I wasn’t even supposed to have in the first place, only the insignificant amount I consumed wouldn’t even have hurt Vermilion, my goldfish ( ... )

Edit (2) watchclarewrite November 17 2008, 06:30:46 UTC

Hey, I'm your secondary editor this week. Sorry about the delay in getting back to you- things have been a little hectic.
Also, I'm bawling my eyes out at this story. Seriously. So it took a little while to recollect my thoughts.

I think that you did a great job conveying what you probably wanted to, in this piece- the fleeting nature of life, the importance of sight (or, rather, the unimportance), the beauty of simple things and everyday life. Your characters are rich and filled with emotion and conflict. The plot progression in this was also superb- you did a good job of revealing the conflict (the illness) before really letting the relationship between the two characters fully unfold to the readers. It helps convey a feeling of love overcoming against adversity, which is always a great message.

I seriously can't think of many things to critique, except for a few nitpicky grammar and spelling choices. If you have any specific questions, feel free to shoot them my way, otherwise, I thought this was brilliant!

innana88 November 17 2008, 20:53:05 UTC

I came back to re-read this one. I'm sorry I didn't comment this week, but this is a really strong entry. I know my edit was a bit tough this week, but you really do have a lot of talent.

dreamy_idealist November 18 2008, 11:22:24 UTC

Hey, I really appreciate you took some time to re-read it. Thanks. ;-)