(no subject)
I am just sitting in my hot room listening to my music. Doing alot of thinking. Lots! My life is changing to quick. My mind is just so fucked up. Still processing everything. For some reason I dont realize things until its too late and it fucking sucks. Brad was everything I wanted. He is so great and he was mine. He wanted no one else and I just pushed him away. Damn do I hate myself for that. He means so much to me. Always will. I love him and everything about him. I mean he had his flaws, but the big ones became his past and nothing more. I just sit here and think about how much I love him and how badly I want us to be together again. Ohhh how happy I'd be if he called and asked me back....or showed up at my house and hugged me. OMG I'd freakin ball. I just dont know what to do. I dont want to lose him for real, forever! I cant. He just dont beleive me, he doesnt think that I truly want hiim back and I only want him. I dont have really anything else to write about in my journal cause I really have nothing else going on. I've been downloading alot of music and hanging out with Danielle. Lenny, Joe and them can go fuck off. They are all fake assholes and I dont want anything to do with them. I just want somone to help me. I want Brad to come and comfort me. Hold me. This is going to be one of the most hardest transition in my life so far. So much has to change and so much has to happen for me to let this all go. To let him go. I've always wondered why poeple were afraid of love. I understand it now. Love comes and it goes. It hurts and it heals. Both feelings are incredible, and change a person's life in so many ways. I dont doubt our God, but I wonder if he understands it's power? In the book I read, written by Sylvia Brown, her spirit guide said that God is all love. What would it be like to be touch by untainted pure love? We get touched by it everyday and it feels incredible, but we abuse it and it becomes tainted. Damn I dont even make any sense! I am just so fucked up! I dont even know whats wrong with me.
Today Brad is buying the third season of Six Feet Under and is probably going to watch it with Lisa. I want him to watch it with me :-( I am so powerless and so dumb. I cant take it anymore. I just dont know if I am going to win. Part of me dont want to. Part of me just wants to lay down and sleep forever. I'd probably have more asking God to take me home than asking Brad to come back.
"Unbreak my heart, come back and say you love me.
Take back that sad word goodbye, bring joy into my life."
Danielle is freakin moving to Cleveland! The only person I am close to besides Brad. Grrrrr. My life is just falling apart. Do I have the will to pick it back up? They say that the first cut is the deepest. I dont think so. Rick has become nothing to me now. Nothing, but I memory that holds no hope, no pain, no tears. Brad is everything to me, he was so great. I miss his oddness, his outgoingness, I miss HIM!!!! I always will and if there is someone else out there for me I hope they are like him. I hope they can take what he has and wrap it all into something greater. For I know that Brad isnt coming back, but at least I'll always have a piece of him. I hate saying that cause I dont want no one else, but I cant force someone to come back or love me again. This summer is going to be soo long and so painful and sooo freakin hard.
UHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I just dont know!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This all jus sucks. Come back babes, be with me forever. Let me show you that you are great. Let me show you the way you should be showed. Let me hold you when your lonely, let me chear you up when your sad, let us live together loving each other everyday. Let me show you the way. Lets show each other we care, that we are love and that it still exist. Let us make people jealous of us and the way we are. We can fix this, if a heart can heal then so can we. And a heart can heal, you healed it for me. Nothing is impossible. And WE ARE NOT WRONG! WE ARE RIGHT!!!!!!!! We have more than love. We have each other, we have hope, we can knowledge...we have so much.
I should try and beat Suikoden 4 today so I can tell Brad all about it. It is such a good game! I love it! Makes it even better it came from my corny man.... Lol. I miss all your corniness....Lol :-) If you want to be with me, then be with me. Brad I promise you I freakin swear on my very soul.... that we'll be ok. That I'll love you. That I'll be there for you and NEVER leave you alone. That I'll NEVER hurt you. I promise on my very existance. I swear on my future babes. Let no darkness or mistakes tear us apart. Let us both be strong.
I love you more than anything.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo