How to do yoga at home
How to do yoga at home with a toddler in ten easy steps.
Step one:
Find the mythical window that coincides between toddler nap time and big kids still at school time.
Step two:
spend 45 minutes trying desperately to get toddler to nap, once toddler is actually asleep tip toe out of toddlers room, remember that your yoga pants/top/mat etc. are all in the room next to toddler room and carefully tip toe past sleeping toddler in search of these.
Step three: (if you're lucky the toddler stays asleep, if not, proceed to step 7)
Get into discount department store yoga pants and pull your hair into messy pony tail. Put on yoga DVD take deep breath, get annoyed with soothing voice on tape for not hurrying up as you only have 45 minutes until the toddler wakes up and you need to get on with this shit!!
Step four:
Remember you totally promised your husband you'd get caught up on the laundry, realize this is an impossibility and decide instead to just do his laundry, toss in first load and run back to soothing work out DVD.
Step five:
Attempt to hurry up and relax into some basic stretches, breaking once for water and once to pee. Succeed in making it half way through the DVD and consider spending the rest of nap time eating chocolates or taking a shower, decide instead to finish the work out.
Step six:
Get into the more complex poses and begin to find some sort of relaxation, yeah this is great, I feel kinda calm and maybe even a little zen, as you attempt a handstand, toddler wakes up and demands mama! Rescue toddler from the perils of nap time.
Step Seven:
Try and get into your inner zen place thingy you swear makes yoga better, as you attempt a back bend toddler will sneak under you and sneak a boobie-snack, do not fall on toddler. Try another pose, only to be climbed on by toddler who then smacks you in the face with the netflix remote demanding Bubble Guppies. While attempting to downward dog, point remote at the television and find Bubble Guppies, give up and stand up properly get toddler set up and resume one last attempt at a standing forward bend despite the annoying high pitched Bubble Guppies theme song making you want to gouge your ears out and ruining any attempt at relaxation you could have possibly cultivated. Toddler will then press their face directly against yours and with a gob of drool landing firmly on your chin demand "juice box". Sigh defeated and get toddler a juice box.
Step eight:
Passive aggressively text your husband saying you're running away with the circus, or at least you would have been if the darn toddler had napped and let you finish your yoga but now you can't because you're not flexible enough as follows:
Wife: Is chicken ok for dinner?
Husband: yeah sure.
Wife: Fine I'll make meatloaf.
Husband: ok.
Step nine:
Decide that whatever enlightenment/exercise/whatever you were aiming for is just not happening today and reach for the lap top and some thin mints.
Step ten:
As your husband pulls into the driveway remember the half finished laundry that's still sitting in the washing machine.
Step one:
Find the mythical window that coincides between toddler nap time and big kids still at school time.
Step two:
spend 45 minutes trying desperately to get toddler to nap, once toddler is actually asleep tip toe out of toddlers room, remember that your yoga pants/top/mat etc. are all in the room next to toddler room and carefully tip toe past sleeping toddler in search of these.
Step three: (if you're lucky the toddler stays asleep, if not, proceed to step 7)
Get into discount department store yoga pants and pull your hair into messy pony tail. Put on yoga DVD take deep breath, get annoyed with soothing voice on tape for not hurrying up as you only have 45 minutes until the toddler wakes up and you need to get on with this shit!!
Step four:
Remember you totally promised your husband you'd get caught up on the laundry, realize this is an impossibility and decide instead to just do his laundry, toss in first load and run back to soothing work out DVD.
Step five:
Attempt to hurry up and relax into some basic stretches, breaking once for water and once to pee. Succeed in making it half way through the DVD and consider spending the rest of nap time eating chocolates or taking a shower, decide instead to finish the work out.
Step six:
Get into the more complex poses and begin to find some sort of relaxation, yeah this is great, I feel kinda calm and maybe even a little zen, as you attempt a handstand, toddler wakes up and demands mama! Rescue toddler from the perils of nap time.
Step Seven:
Try and get into your inner zen place thingy you swear makes yoga better, as you attempt a back bend toddler will sneak under you and sneak a boobie-snack, do not fall on toddler. Try another pose, only to be climbed on by toddler who then smacks you in the face with the netflix remote demanding Bubble Guppies. While attempting to downward dog, point remote at the television and find Bubble Guppies, give up and stand up properly get toddler set up and resume one last attempt at a standing forward bend despite the annoying high pitched Bubble Guppies theme song making you want to gouge your ears out and ruining any attempt at relaxation you could have possibly cultivated. Toddler will then press their face directly against yours and with a gob of drool landing firmly on your chin demand "juice box". Sigh defeated and get toddler a juice box.
Step eight:
Passive aggressively text your husband saying you're running away with the circus, or at least you would have been if the darn toddler had napped and let you finish your yoga but now you can't because you're not flexible enough as follows:
Wife: Is chicken ok for dinner?
Husband: yeah sure.
Wife: Fine I'll make meatloaf.
Husband: ok.
Step nine:
Decide that whatever enlightenment/exercise/whatever you were aiming for is just not happening today and reach for the lap top and some thin mints.
Step ten:
As your husband pulls into the driveway remember the half finished laundry that's still sitting in the washing machine.