Fic - Holding Fire 2/9 - How to Give (SPN)
Title: How to Give
Series: Holding Fire
Author: Ry (curseangel / dreamsforlease)
Rating: PG-13
Characters/Pairings: Sam Winchester, Dean Winchester; John Winchester is mentioned.
Summary: A series of short!fics based around Sam's time in college, and it's effects, mostly on his brother and their relationship. Inspired by the Heather Nova song "A Way to Live". This chapter: Dean reacts to Sam's disappearance.
Dean wakes up early to the bad feeling he's been trying to fight off all week, not illness but something more subtle than that. He doesn't know what it is and he doesn't want to, until he looks over and sees Sam's empty bed, and then he wants to a whole hell of a lot. The next few minutes are all activity, movement to distract from the rising panic he's pushing down his throat like sticky rice he doesn't want to swallow, pulling on a pair of jeans he doesn't care that he wore yesterday and almost tripping over them to get to the bathroom. If Sammy's in there he's gonna feel pretty dumb, so he's not and it only makes him feel worse.
Sam's bag is gone, Dean hadn't noticed that at first and he curses, low and with feeling, shoving his feet into his boots and grabbing the room key and going to face facts. He knew this was coming, and he'd known for a while, with the arguments Sam and Dad were getting into, all raised voices and clenched fists and him standing by, trying to defuse the C4 before it exploded all over them. Apparently it didn't work, because here he was in the blast zone, ground zero, knocking on his father's room's door right next to his and Sam's. He hopes it's an overreaction, that his brother stepped out for a drink or something, but he knows it isn't true and the lie to himself feels heavy and foreign in his own brain. It's like he's weighing himself down with his own thoughts, so he forces them back.
He tells his father what's happened and watches the play of emotions flicker across the weathered features and wishes he could have given something resembling good news. But there isn't any, just emptiness and a place on a motel room bed where someone was lying last night and isn't now. Hours later in the passenger seat of the Impala, ducking his head to make it a secret, he taps out the auto-dial to his brother's phone and prays to any god who's listening, and he names off a lot of them, Western and Eastern and dead and he doesn't care if it gives him half a shot at reaching his stubborn bastard of a little brother who isn't picking up his phone. He hides the phone half face down on his thigh, mindful of the mood his father is in, and they're on their way to Alabama but Dean can't help wishing they were going to California.
He could change Sam's mind, he knows it. He sends a text - 'call me' - rates it urgent. Calls five more times in the next hour. Sam doesn't pick up, and Dean's starting to get the idea that he's not planning on it.
It hurts more than he thinks it ought to.
Series: Holding Fire
Author: Ry (curseangel / dreamsforlease)
Rating: PG-13
Characters/Pairings: Sam Winchester, Dean Winchester; John Winchester is mentioned.
Summary: A series of short!fics based around Sam's time in college, and it's effects, mostly on his brother and their relationship. Inspired by the Heather Nova song "A Way to Live". This chapter: Dean reacts to Sam's disappearance.
Dean wakes up early to the bad feeling he's been trying to fight off all week, not illness but something more subtle than that. He doesn't know what it is and he doesn't want to, until he looks over and sees Sam's empty bed, and then he wants to a whole hell of a lot. The next few minutes are all activity, movement to distract from the rising panic he's pushing down his throat like sticky rice he doesn't want to swallow, pulling on a pair of jeans he doesn't care that he wore yesterday and almost tripping over them to get to the bathroom. If Sammy's in there he's gonna feel pretty dumb, so he's not and it only makes him feel worse.
Sam's bag is gone, Dean hadn't noticed that at first and he curses, low and with feeling, shoving his feet into his boots and grabbing the room key and going to face facts. He knew this was coming, and he'd known for a while, with the arguments Sam and Dad were getting into, all raised voices and clenched fists and him standing by, trying to defuse the C4 before it exploded all over them. Apparently it didn't work, because here he was in the blast zone, ground zero, knocking on his father's room's door right next to his and Sam's. He hopes it's an overreaction, that his brother stepped out for a drink or something, but he knows it isn't true and the lie to himself feels heavy and foreign in his own brain. It's like he's weighing himself down with his own thoughts, so he forces them back.
He tells his father what's happened and watches the play of emotions flicker across the weathered features and wishes he could have given something resembling good news. But there isn't any, just emptiness and a place on a motel room bed where someone was lying last night and isn't now. Hours later in the passenger seat of the Impala, ducking his head to make it a secret, he taps out the auto-dial to his brother's phone and prays to any god who's listening, and he names off a lot of them, Western and Eastern and dead and he doesn't care if it gives him half a shot at reaching his stubborn bastard of a little brother who isn't picking up his phone. He hides the phone half face down on his thigh, mindful of the mood his father is in, and they're on their way to Alabama but Dean can't help wishing they were going to California.
He could change Sam's mind, he knows it. He sends a text - 'call me' - rates it urgent. Calls five more times in the next hour. Sam doesn't pick up, and Dean's starting to get the idea that he's not planning on it.
It hurts more than he thinks it ought to.