counting alone (part 1)
title: counting alone (part 1)
pairing: chanyeol/baekhyun
genre: angst, romance
summary: a different day, a different mission. a different mission, a different Feed. a different Feed, another kill. the world isn't ending, but his world already did.
“It’s weird don’t you think?” Baekhyun starts, lifting his head off his pillow to look at Chanyeol. “What is?” Chanyeol answers, leaning back further against the headboard, eyeing him curiously.
“How nothing ever works out perfectly. No matter how hard you try, there’s always going to be something you’re not satisfied with even if you’ve accomplished everything you’ve ever dreamed of. It’s like we were made to not be settled, we were made to somehow not be at peace, we were ma-, wait, why are you looking at me like that…”
“I like looking at that philosophical face of yours when your thoughts go all deep,” Chanyeol laughs as he grabs the hand that was about to fly up to his face. “Please continue,” he adds, holding onto Baekhyun’s fingers a little tighter. Baekhyun rolls his eyes in response but carries on anyway.
“It’s like we were made to remind ourselves of our imperfections through the perfections we think we’ve accomplished,” he pauses. “But it’s funny, you were never one of those things, those imperfections. I get scared sometimes. Everything takes its turn in going bad, the career, the friends, the family, my hair,”
“You know if you just stick with one hair colour for more than two weeks your roots wouldn’t be so damag-“
“Chanyeol, no, shut up. Anyway, everything takes its turn in going bad, but it’s never you. You’re never one of them. I get scared thinking about the if’s sometimes. But then, hey, maybe you’ll never be one of those things.” Baekhyun smiles up at him before covering his face with both of his hands. Chanyeol gingerly pries his hands off of his face and pulls Baekhyun on top of him, resting his chin on the shorter boy’s head. “It’s called love, Baek” he whispers, laughing as Baekhyun squirms in his grip, telling Chanyeol that he takes it all back.
He meant it. He was in love with everything about Byun Baekhyun.
He still is.
Chanyeol opened his eyes groggily after being violently shaken by the officer on duty this morning, who was clearly not in a good mood.
“Calling all Takers on Level 4. Calling all Takers on Level 4. Please report to assembly hall at zero six three zero hours. Zero six three zero hours. End.” The monotonous voice echoed around every corner of the vicinity. It sprung upon cracked white walls, metal window frames and large grey aluminum doors. It sucked the life out of Chanyeol, every single day. He was beginning to think it was draining more from him than he had left.
“That’s us right?” his roommate called out drowsily, cracking and eye open to glance at him. Chanyeol nodded, throwing a pillow on Sehun’s face. Sehun was the only good thing about this hellhole. When Sehun first arrived, he was scared and trembling, his cold features failing to hide his shaking pupils and stuttering. He reminded Chanyeol of how he was when he first got thrown in here.
Chanyeol initiated small talk, knowing that conversation was the best distraction, or rather the only distraction. They spent the night telling each other about their lives before the Selection. Sehun spoke about how he used to dance everyday with his best friend, Jongin. He told Chanyeol about how they would run through shop houses with firecrackers, get into trouble and puppy-dog-face they’re way out of it because ‘Jongin was just as cute as he was.’ Chanyeol told Sehun about his job at a recording studio producing demo tracks for underground artists and living in tiny well-decorated single bedroom apartment with a brown haired singer named Byun Baekhyun who was his first (and most favourite) client.
Sehun had cried the whole night telling Chanyeol that Jongin had failed to make the Selection. And Chanyeol had held him close and stroked his hair till the wee hours of the morning, grateful that even though he had no idea where Baekhyun could be, Baekhyun had made the cut.
At least he knew Baekhyun was out there alive and breathing.
When Chanyeol was selected, they stripped him of everything that he had on him. He had nothing of his own - no clothes, wallet, phone, pictures. They grabbed him by the neck and slapped on thick black dye onto his red hair. All Takers had to wear the same white t-shirt and army green pants. There was no mirror in the room or the bathroom or basically anywhere in the Station, neither were there any reflective surfaces in the building that could take on the role of one. Takers were not allowed to see their own face because it would trigger memories of a life before this. They didn’t want that.
He would force himself to dream of Baekhyun every night, whispering his name over and over again until it was the only thing his mind was capable of comprehending. It usually worked. It was the only way he could make sure that he would never forget how Baekhyun looked like, that even if he were to look completely different now he would be able to recognize Baekhyun if he happened to bump into him one day whenever that would be.
The first time Chanyeol had seen his own face after months was during his first mission. The Feed that he was taking care of was a boy in his late teens. He was a feisty one, who bit and spat at Chanyeol as he was strapped up into his chair. He had turned around to fix the dosage of serum when he heard the boy scream. The kid had bitten through the rubber straps and made a dart out of the Feeder tent. Chanyeol ran after him, finally being able to grab hold of his head after the kid slipped on leftover food scraps left in front of an empty barn shed. He pushed the needle deep into the boy’s chest, watching dark lines visibly surface on the boys skin as the serum travelled through his veins. The boy’s head was shaking, almost as much as his fingers were when he let go of the syringe. The boy stopped moving completely when his eyes had turned fully white. He had just killed someone. His purpose to live now was to kill these people. One person each mission. One mission every two days. He had stumbled backwards unable to carry himself up on his feet when he felt his back hit against something cool.
It was the barn’s only window. A dusty, cracked window barely hanging onto its frame. In that window, Chanyeol had seen his faint reflection. He couldn’t remember exactly how he used to look like, but he was pretty sure his cheekbones didn’t stick out so much and that his lips weren’t this pale. He knew that the serum he was given had changed the color of his eyes, because they were a light grey now. His face was almost white, looking even more translucent under the jet-black hair swept across his forehead. He wondered if Baekhyun would be able to recognize him. Baekhyun had always told him about how he could feel him from a mile away because he always glowed, from his smile to his bright eyes.
He didn’t think Baekhyun would be able to feel him coming now. He wasn’t glowing anymore. Touching his flaky skin under the icy breeze, he realized that he barely looked alive.
“Level 4 Takers. Level 4 Takers.” The voice resonated across the whole assembly hall, bouncing off the white metal walls. “Today you go to the city. Today you take the central hub, where the Feed are many. Today you will be in Seoul.”
Chanyeol froze. He could see Sehun shifting his feet from the corner of his eye.
Today they go to Seoul. Today they carry out their mission in the place they were from. It was ironic how they were both placed in a Station in Seoul itself. The Main Station located in the central hub. They’ve been so close to home this whole time, but they had never even caught a glimpse of it throughout their two years in it.
“Can you handle it?” Sehun asked.
“What do you mean,” Chanyeol kept his eyes locked straight ahead. He knew exactly what Sehun meant. Could he handle going out into the place where he used to live a normal life? Could he handle doing what he did now in the place where everything once was? Could he handle seeing everything without falling into memories that he was forced to lock away?
“I don’t think I can either,” the younger boy stated with a light chuckle. He turned to Chanyeol, nudging his arm. “You got me, I got you, right?”
Chanyeol looked at his feet, a smile playing on his lips as he looked at Sehun. “Of course.”
They were usually sent off deep into the countryside, dealing with Feed who had already given up most hope and hence barely put up a fight when they were taken in by the Takers (with the exception of a couple of young ones like the feisty boy he dealt with on his first mission). The city however was a tougher place to carry out the job. Most of the Feed that were here were people who had just been captured. They were the angriest; freshly rejected from the Selection, holding enough energy to attempt fighting the system. Only the most capable Takers were sent to the city to take down the Feed here. After about two years of experience being on missions, and being rather good at it, it was only a matter of time before it was their turn.
Takers were transported to mission sites through underground passageways in dark pods. Chanyeol remembered the first time he was pushed into one of those things. He was blindfolded as they took him into the Station, but he could feel the wind against his skin and the bright streaks that peeked from below the black cloth wrapped around his eyes. He knew he was still in the city. Next thing he knew, the blindfold was taken off and he was being pushed into a metal structure that looked like an elongated egg. He remembered the constriction in his chest as doors of the egg-like structure shut. It was pitch black, with only enough space for him to stretch his elbows out to the walls of it and for his feet to move an inch forward from his seat. The darkness was suffocating. He could feel the structure move, like a train on a track. In fact, it was moving very fast. He wasn’t sure how long it was before the doors opened again and all he could see was trees.
Over time, being in those pods had become the only thing for him to look forward to. The deep darkness comforted him now more than anything. It was in this darkness that he could imagine Baekhyun best. He could see the way Baekhyun’s eyes scrunched up when he smiled, he could smell the scent of Baekhyun’s shampoo when his head was nuzzled under his own, he could feel Baekhyun’s hands on his chest as he kissed up his neck. It was in this silence that he could make out the sound of his voice, the sound of his voice as he sang every morning, the sound of his voice when he whispers before falling asleep, the sound of his voice when he talks through laughter, the sound of his voice when it was hoarse and scratchy from the night before.
It was only in those suffocating minutes that he could remember what it was like to be in love and to not just miss it.
“You two should sit out on this one.”
Kyungsoo was the leader of the Takers living on Level 4. Physique-wise he was the smallest, but nobody had a stronger mind than him. He was taken in 4 years ago, when he was fresh out of high school. He was the only one in his family who made it through the Selection. He found himself staring into the lifeless eyes of his own mother after his first mission.
Everyone said Kyungsoo had a cold heart, but Chanyeol and Sehun knew that their little leader had a whole lot more to him.
“Jesus, we’ll be fine. I won’t get triggered, I mean don’t even remember anything anymore, it takes me a while to remember my own face,” Chanyeol groaned, facing Kyungsoo who had his lips pursed into a tight line.
“You were both taken in here. So were they. Sehun, he didn’t make the cut because of his back problem which means they wouldn’t have transported him out. There’s a chan-“
“Come on, little boss. It’s been 2 years, they would’ve taken him out already. I’ve come to terms with Jongin being dead. Don’t. Don’t say shit like that, man.”
Sehun kept his eyes fixed to the ground. “It’s Chanyeol you should be worried about.”
Chanyeol cleared his throat, pulling his jacket over the white tank top before strapping the serum tubes around his waist. He could feel eyes boring into the side of his face.
He chuckled a little. “I’m doing this for the mission, boys. I just want to get this over with,” he paused knowing what they wanted to hear from him next.
“I’m not going to look for him.”
Being in the pod felt suffocating this time around. He could feel it move but it felt as though it wasn’t going as fast as it usually did. Time was passing by excruciatingly slow in a darkness that he suddenly felt unfamiliar with, as though it was waiting with hands stretched out to wrap around his neck. He tried to squeeze his eyes shut to let his mind drown in everything that was Baekhyun, Baekhyun, Baekhyun. But instead of feeling at ease, he could feel his muscles tense and his heart pound dangerously fast in his chest.
He was going into the city, to the place he would call home. He was going back there with no trace of anything that could link him to the life he once lived before 2 years ago. He was practically a stranger to the city at this point, nothing but a tourist. What would it feel like? What would it look like?
All the memories in his head were going to be right before him. It was going to be real; and real was something he had not experienced in a long time.
pairing: chanyeol/baekhyun
genre: angst, romance
summary: a different day, a different mission. a different mission, a different Feed. a different Feed, another kill. the world isn't ending, but his world already did.
“It’s weird don’t you think?” Baekhyun starts, lifting his head off his pillow to look at Chanyeol. “What is?” Chanyeol answers, leaning back further against the headboard, eyeing him curiously.
“How nothing ever works out perfectly. No matter how hard you try, there’s always going to be something you’re not satisfied with even if you’ve accomplished everything you’ve ever dreamed of. It’s like we were made to not be settled, we were made to somehow not be at peace, we were ma-, wait, why are you looking at me like that…”
“I like looking at that philosophical face of yours when your thoughts go all deep,” Chanyeol laughs as he grabs the hand that was about to fly up to his face. “Please continue,” he adds, holding onto Baekhyun’s fingers a little tighter. Baekhyun rolls his eyes in response but carries on anyway.
“It’s like we were made to remind ourselves of our imperfections through the perfections we think we’ve accomplished,” he pauses. “But it’s funny, you were never one of those things, those imperfections. I get scared sometimes. Everything takes its turn in going bad, the career, the friends, the family, my hair,”
“You know if you just stick with one hair colour for more than two weeks your roots wouldn’t be so damag-“
“Chanyeol, no, shut up. Anyway, everything takes its turn in going bad, but it’s never you. You’re never one of them. I get scared thinking about the if’s sometimes. But then, hey, maybe you’ll never be one of those things.” Baekhyun smiles up at him before covering his face with both of his hands. Chanyeol gingerly pries his hands off of his face and pulls Baekhyun on top of him, resting his chin on the shorter boy’s head. “It’s called love, Baek” he whispers, laughing as Baekhyun squirms in his grip, telling Chanyeol that he takes it all back.
He meant it. He was in love with everything about Byun Baekhyun.
He still is.
Chanyeol opened his eyes groggily after being violently shaken by the officer on duty this morning, who was clearly not in a good mood.
“Calling all Takers on Level 4. Calling all Takers on Level 4. Please report to assembly hall at zero six three zero hours. Zero six three zero hours. End.” The monotonous voice echoed around every corner of the vicinity. It sprung upon cracked white walls, metal window frames and large grey aluminum doors. It sucked the life out of Chanyeol, every single day. He was beginning to think it was draining more from him than he had left.
“That’s us right?” his roommate called out drowsily, cracking and eye open to glance at him. Chanyeol nodded, throwing a pillow on Sehun’s face. Sehun was the only good thing about this hellhole. When Sehun first arrived, he was scared and trembling, his cold features failing to hide his shaking pupils and stuttering. He reminded Chanyeol of how he was when he first got thrown in here.
Chanyeol initiated small talk, knowing that conversation was the best distraction, or rather the only distraction. They spent the night telling each other about their lives before the Selection. Sehun spoke about how he used to dance everyday with his best friend, Jongin. He told Chanyeol about how they would run through shop houses with firecrackers, get into trouble and puppy-dog-face they’re way out of it because ‘Jongin was just as cute as he was.’ Chanyeol told Sehun about his job at a recording studio producing demo tracks for underground artists and living in tiny well-decorated single bedroom apartment with a brown haired singer named Byun Baekhyun who was his first (and most favourite) client.
Sehun had cried the whole night telling Chanyeol that Jongin had failed to make the Selection. And Chanyeol had held him close and stroked his hair till the wee hours of the morning, grateful that even though he had no idea where Baekhyun could be, Baekhyun had made the cut.
At least he knew Baekhyun was out there alive and breathing.
When Chanyeol was selected, they stripped him of everything that he had on him. He had nothing of his own - no clothes, wallet, phone, pictures. They grabbed him by the neck and slapped on thick black dye onto his red hair. All Takers had to wear the same white t-shirt and army green pants. There was no mirror in the room or the bathroom or basically anywhere in the Station, neither were there any reflective surfaces in the building that could take on the role of one. Takers were not allowed to see their own face because it would trigger memories of a life before this. They didn’t want that.
He would force himself to dream of Baekhyun every night, whispering his name over and over again until it was the only thing his mind was capable of comprehending. It usually worked. It was the only way he could make sure that he would never forget how Baekhyun looked like, that even if he were to look completely different now he would be able to recognize Baekhyun if he happened to bump into him one day whenever that would be.
The first time Chanyeol had seen his own face after months was during his first mission. The Feed that he was taking care of was a boy in his late teens. He was a feisty one, who bit and spat at Chanyeol as he was strapped up into his chair. He had turned around to fix the dosage of serum when he heard the boy scream. The kid had bitten through the rubber straps and made a dart out of the Feeder tent. Chanyeol ran after him, finally being able to grab hold of his head after the kid slipped on leftover food scraps left in front of an empty barn shed. He pushed the needle deep into the boy’s chest, watching dark lines visibly surface on the boys skin as the serum travelled through his veins. The boy’s head was shaking, almost as much as his fingers were when he let go of the syringe. The boy stopped moving completely when his eyes had turned fully white. He had just killed someone. His purpose to live now was to kill these people. One person each mission. One mission every two days. He had stumbled backwards unable to carry himself up on his feet when he felt his back hit against something cool.
It was the barn’s only window. A dusty, cracked window barely hanging onto its frame. In that window, Chanyeol had seen his faint reflection. He couldn’t remember exactly how he used to look like, but he was pretty sure his cheekbones didn’t stick out so much and that his lips weren’t this pale. He knew that the serum he was given had changed the color of his eyes, because they were a light grey now. His face was almost white, looking even more translucent under the jet-black hair swept across his forehead. He wondered if Baekhyun would be able to recognize him. Baekhyun had always told him about how he could feel him from a mile away because he always glowed, from his smile to his bright eyes.
He didn’t think Baekhyun would be able to feel him coming now. He wasn’t glowing anymore. Touching his flaky skin under the icy breeze, he realized that he barely looked alive.
“Level 4 Takers. Level 4 Takers.” The voice resonated across the whole assembly hall, bouncing off the white metal walls. “Today you go to the city. Today you take the central hub, where the Feed are many. Today you will be in Seoul.”
Chanyeol froze. He could see Sehun shifting his feet from the corner of his eye.
Today they go to Seoul. Today they carry out their mission in the place they were from. It was ironic how they were both placed in a Station in Seoul itself. The Main Station located in the central hub. They’ve been so close to home this whole time, but they had never even caught a glimpse of it throughout their two years in it.
“Can you handle it?” Sehun asked.
“What do you mean,” Chanyeol kept his eyes locked straight ahead. He knew exactly what Sehun meant. Could he handle going out into the place where he used to live a normal life? Could he handle doing what he did now in the place where everything once was? Could he handle seeing everything without falling into memories that he was forced to lock away?
“I don’t think I can either,” the younger boy stated with a light chuckle. He turned to Chanyeol, nudging his arm. “You got me, I got you, right?”
Chanyeol looked at his feet, a smile playing on his lips as he looked at Sehun. “Of course.”
They were usually sent off deep into the countryside, dealing with Feed who had already given up most hope and hence barely put up a fight when they were taken in by the Takers (with the exception of a couple of young ones like the feisty boy he dealt with on his first mission). The city however was a tougher place to carry out the job. Most of the Feed that were here were people who had just been captured. They were the angriest; freshly rejected from the Selection, holding enough energy to attempt fighting the system. Only the most capable Takers were sent to the city to take down the Feed here. After about two years of experience being on missions, and being rather good at it, it was only a matter of time before it was their turn.
Takers were transported to mission sites through underground passageways in dark pods. Chanyeol remembered the first time he was pushed into one of those things. He was blindfolded as they took him into the Station, but he could feel the wind against his skin and the bright streaks that peeked from below the black cloth wrapped around his eyes. He knew he was still in the city. Next thing he knew, the blindfold was taken off and he was being pushed into a metal structure that looked like an elongated egg. He remembered the constriction in his chest as doors of the egg-like structure shut. It was pitch black, with only enough space for him to stretch his elbows out to the walls of it and for his feet to move an inch forward from his seat. The darkness was suffocating. He could feel the structure move, like a train on a track. In fact, it was moving very fast. He wasn’t sure how long it was before the doors opened again and all he could see was trees.
Over time, being in those pods had become the only thing for him to look forward to. The deep darkness comforted him now more than anything. It was in this darkness that he could imagine Baekhyun best. He could see the way Baekhyun’s eyes scrunched up when he smiled, he could smell the scent of Baekhyun’s shampoo when his head was nuzzled under his own, he could feel Baekhyun’s hands on his chest as he kissed up his neck. It was in this silence that he could make out the sound of his voice, the sound of his voice as he sang every morning, the sound of his voice when he whispers before falling asleep, the sound of his voice when he talks through laughter, the sound of his voice when it was hoarse and scratchy from the night before.
It was only in those suffocating minutes that he could remember what it was like to be in love and to not just miss it.
“You two should sit out on this one.”
Kyungsoo was the leader of the Takers living on Level 4. Physique-wise he was the smallest, but nobody had a stronger mind than him. He was taken in 4 years ago, when he was fresh out of high school. He was the only one in his family who made it through the Selection. He found himself staring into the lifeless eyes of his own mother after his first mission.
Everyone said Kyungsoo had a cold heart, but Chanyeol and Sehun knew that their little leader had a whole lot more to him.
“Jesus, we’ll be fine. I won’t get triggered, I mean don’t even remember anything anymore, it takes me a while to remember my own face,” Chanyeol groaned, facing Kyungsoo who had his lips pursed into a tight line.
“You were both taken in here. So were they. Sehun, he didn’t make the cut because of his back problem which means they wouldn’t have transported him out. There’s a chan-“
“Come on, little boss. It’s been 2 years, they would’ve taken him out already. I’ve come to terms with Jongin being dead. Don’t. Don’t say shit like that, man.”
Sehun kept his eyes fixed to the ground. “It’s Chanyeol you should be worried about.”
Chanyeol cleared his throat, pulling his jacket over the white tank top before strapping the serum tubes around his waist. He could feel eyes boring into the side of his face.
He chuckled a little. “I’m doing this for the mission, boys. I just want to get this over with,” he paused knowing what they wanted to hear from him next.
“I’m not going to look for him.”
Being in the pod felt suffocating this time around. He could feel it move but it felt as though it wasn’t going as fast as it usually did. Time was passing by excruciatingly slow in a darkness that he suddenly felt unfamiliar with, as though it was waiting with hands stretched out to wrap around his neck. He tried to squeeze his eyes shut to let his mind drown in everything that was Baekhyun, Baekhyun, Baekhyun. But instead of feeling at ease, he could feel his muscles tense and his heart pound dangerously fast in his chest.
He was going into the city, to the place he would call home. He was going back there with no trace of anything that could link him to the life he once lived before 2 years ago. He was practically a stranger to the city at this point, nothing but a tourist. What would it feel like? What would it look like?
All the memories in his head were going to be right before him. It was going to be real; and real was something he had not experienced in a long time.