I tried to be perfect, it just wasnt worth it, i dont believe it makes me real.
yesterday. breaking down over net.
my really good friend spike comes on
and whenever he's on he always teases me.
and i told him not to.
that im breaking down.
and everything was falling A p a r t.
and we talked.
and he called me.
and we talked for hours.
i've known spike for 5 years.
and he's always been so awesome to me.
calling whenever he could.
it's just he hasnt been on alot cuz only one computer.
and to many people who hog it.
im just gladd he called.
"im gonna come and stay for a little while next month,
i want to take care of you right now. i want you happy pam"
he is the most awesome person.
he's right there at the 2 top of my best friend list
courtney is my sister, so of course she's first.
it's just her and him pulling me through this.
and chris.j. wanted to talked to me while courtney was.
and helped alot.
gave me his s/n but i forgot to save it.
so ill get it from courtney later tonight.
but you know what?
i really dont think jesse will be with me
and i dont think i can be wiht someone,
who doesnt even know how they love me.
after one mistake.
it happens.
but it's so hard ot believe.
it's like he never really cared.
but i know he did.
but i dont want someone
who will brag about his friends trying to hook him up on dates
saying he might go back out with hollie
giving me false hope.
"it's a 50 50 % chance.."
and continue huritng me even though he says he hates too.
so if he decides to not be with me.
ill pack all the stuff he gave me.
fivel, happy bunny. his shirt, his first flower he gave me a almost a year ago.
all those letter...pictures of us.
everything.
put it in a box. and when i go see him, give it to him. and then leave.
chris and courtney,
when they come see me,
there going to jesse's firs tot grab my lava lamp and my hats.
so i wont have to stay an awkward long minute grabbing my stuff,
after i drop his off.
i just..have to do it.
i cant stand having him everywhere..
and yes, i will keep one picture of him in my scrapbook.
i have to have a pic of everyone i know in there.
it's important to me.
so i wont forget anyone i know...
even the ones that put through pain.
even my enemy's.
if i have a pic of them, they will be in there.
jesse called. asking if i was ok. i said "yea cuz im over you." and he was like oh. and we talked about a little something. told him what chris and courtney was gonna do and then he says "i dont believe you wouldnt wait for me" and i said "i am waiting for you. it's just easier being over you right now so i dont hurt. cuz i dont believe you'll be with me again" then asked if he understood. and he said yea. but i would LOVE to be with him again. i believe in second chances..